Hugged By An Angel

by Capizzi, Roberta

  I laughed but she only gave me another of those sad smiles; her big blue eyes were an ocean of unshed tears and I could tell by the way she was looking at me that she was praying for me to leave.

  I knew that look: I had given it to almost every person who’d wanted to comfort me after my parents died. Because of that, I knew I shouldn’t go.

  She needed to cry—yes.

  She needed to let it all out—yes.

  She needed to scream and throw things—yes.

  She needed to hit someone—yes.

  She needed to be alone—NO.

  If she wanted someone to hit, to scream at, to hold her while she was sobbing, well, I’d be that someone. I knew what she was going through better than anyone in the ward and my job was to help people get back on their feet, after all, so that was exactly what I intended to do.

  “Colin, I appreciate you checking on me but…I’m pretty tired right now. I just need to sleep for a while; it’s been a long day.”

  “Don’t do it,” I said, and she finally looked up at me, frowning. “Don’t keep it all inside, Kathleen. It won’t help.”

  “I’m fine,” she said, looking away. I pulled up a chair and sat down next to her bed, knowing she was going to hate me right now; but if that would help her get over the ‘I’m fine’ pretense, I was ready to get screamed at or slapped in the face. The inner rage and despair would drive her crazy if she didn’t release it soon.

  “Your family is gone: there’s no need for you to keep up the pretense. You can let go, you can let it all out. I won’t tell them.”

  “I said I’m fine,” she said, her tone firmer and a bit edgy now. She was getting there; it was working. If I could make her burst she’d be one step closer to healing.

  “No, you’re not. You’ll never be fine if you keep pretending nothing happened. Your brother died and you probably won’t be able to walk again. You can’t shut your eyes and think everything will be okay when you open them again.”

  She took a deep breath and I could almost see her counting to ten in her head as a muscle in her jaw twitched.

  “Colin, please…I just need to be alone, I need to sleep.”

  “You’re not a great liar; has anyone ever told you?” I teased, and her cheeks flushed. “You can put up that charade with your family, but it won’t work with me. I read a lot of psychology books—I understand people.”

  “You don’t know me,” she hissed, balling up the blanket in her fists. I was sure she was dying to hit me hard on the face. “No matter how many books you’ve read, you don’t know me. I’m fine, I just need to sleep!” She raised her voice an octave and I knew it was only a matter of seconds now before she’d start yelling.

  “Fine, okay, keep it up. You’re a strong woman, you’ll get back out there on your own feet, blah blah blah. I’ve heard it one-hundred times and they always end up on antidepressants and contemplating slashing their wrists.” I shrugged, pushed the chair back and stood up. “Suit yourself. If you wanna spend the rest of your life going around like a zombie, it’s none of my business. I don’t get paid for psychological consultations anyway.”

  “Well, I didn’t ask for them!” she snapped and I cheered inwardly, although I kept a straight face. “I didn’t ask for your crap, okay? I don’t need to speak to a shrink, let alone to someone who thinks he can solve my problems with a stupid joke or some small talk. Unless you can bring my brother back and get me out of the wheelchair, I don’t need your help. I just want you to leave me alone!”

  “What, then? What will you do once I’m out of this room?” I used the most annoying tone I could come up with. “Will you close your eyes and hope he’ll talk to you in your dreams? Face it, Kathleen. Your brother’s dead, he’ll never come back. You have to accept it.” I hated saying those nasty words to her, but it was what she needed to get out of her shell and finally feel free.

  “What the hell’s wrong with you? I know my brother’s dead!” she screamed at me, totally out of control. “I saw him being buried, I was right by his grave when they dropped earth on his coffin…”

  Her voice cracked on the word coffin and I sat back on the chair, resting my hand on hers; it was the trigger she needed to finally break down and, as tears flowed out of her eyes, she flung herself at me, her body shaken by sobs.

  I wrapped my arms around her and didn’t say a word. I knew they would be useless now. She needed someone to be there for her, to hold her until she had no more tears left. And I was in no hurry at all.

  Chapter Seven

  Kathleen

  January 11, 2013

  “Your chariot’s here, Cinderella. Ready for the ball?”

  Colin walked in pushing my wheelchair and I sighed; I hated it when he was so cheerful first thing in the morning. I wished he would just leave me alone to drown in my own sorrow and wait for the day I would die. But no, he always had to do his best to cheer me up, to make me smile even when I wished he would shut up and stop acting like a clown.

  Besides, I felt a little ashamed for my behavior. I’d burst into tears and flung myself at him after the funeral, acting as if he was my brother and totally forgetting he was my doctor and I was supposed to keep my distance and behave properly.

  “You don’t look like a Fairy Godmother, though,” I said grumpily, not at all affected by his cheerfulness. He grinned and my heart skipped a beat when the dimples in his cheeks showed up. I hadn’t been able to stop comparing him to Declan every time I saw him but today, for the first time, I realized he wasn’t my brother at all; he was as tall as Declan was, he had brown hair and blue eyes just like him, but that dimpled grin…well, that grin was Colin’s only. It was unique.

  “And you look more like Grumpy than Cinderella, for that matter.”

  He stared at me with a raised eyebrow and folded his arms across his chest, and I couldn’t help noticing his muscles flex underneath his white t-shirt.

  “What?” I asked in a huff.

  “You should really put some more effort into this, Kathleen. I know it’s not easy but you’ve got to try or you’ll never get out of this hospital.”

  “You can’t keep me here forever. We both know I’m never going to get out there on my feet, so why should I waste time with stupid, useless exercises? Let me go home and get on with my life.”

  They’d moved me from the ward, where I’d spent the first couple of days after the accident, to the rehabilitation department on the ground floor where Colin and other physiotherapists worked. He’d explained to me that I’d have to stay a few more days so they could teach me how to cope with my new condition, and then I’d only have to come back for regular therapy sessions for a few weeks until I was sure I was fit to make it on my own. But I still didn’t see the point in all this, since everyone knew I’d never walk again.

  “Kathleen,” he said, in a soft tone that made me ashamed of the harsh one I had used. “This attitude’s never going to help you get better, you know.”

  “I’m not a child, there’s no need to lie to me. I’ll never get better. Dr. O’Donnell told me he doesn’t know what’s wrong and there’s nothing he can do to make me walk again. Unless you have a magic wand, I don’t see the point in trying.” I shrugged and looked away.

  “I’m sorry, I’m afraid I haven’t got a magic wand; but I want to help you, Kathleen. I’ve seen this a million times: people have accidents, their lives are forever changed but they get over it. They accept their new condition and make the most out of it.” I looked at him as he came close to my bed and pulled up a chair. He sat down and rested his elbows on his knees, intertwining his fingers.

  His ocean blue eyes bore into mine, and my stomach quivered. Why did he have that effect on me?

  “You’re so young, Kathleen. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you. You can’t waste it crying over something you can’t change, it’s not fair toward those who died but still wanted to live. Your brother wouldn’t want to see you like this.”

  At the mention o
f Declan my blood boiled in my veins and I wanted to hit him. How dare he speak about my brother, about what he would do or say? He didn’t even know him, and he knew nothing about me either.

  “No, you don’t understand! You’re a happy-go-lucky physio who tells jokes and lives a happy life. You don’t know anything about how I feel! He was everything to me, Colin, everything and now he’s gone.” A single tear drifted down my cheek and I knew the rest would follow soon. “He’s gone, and I didn’t even get the chance to speak to him, to hug him one last time. I didn’t even say goodbye.”

  Colin moved closer to me, and I winced when I felt his intense gaze. It felt as if his eyes could bore into mine and I wanted to look away, only I couldn’t.

  “I know what it feels to have someone you love taken away from you abruptly with no chance to say goodbye, no chance to tell them how much you loved them,” he said, his eyes still locked with mine. “I know the pain, the emptiness, the rage, the despair that takes hold of your body, crushing your heart and leaving you breathless. But you can’t let it destroy you.”

  I stared at him openmouthed, feeling my heart ache at the way his eyes had lost their gleam.

  “You lost someone, too…” I said, and he nodded. “Who?” I dared to ask, and I noticed his eyes went darker, before he looked away.

  “My parents.”

  “Both of them?” I asked, shocked, and I brought a hand to my mouth when he nodded. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry. When? How?”

  “Almost fourteen years ago. Plane crash.”

  I gasped and he turned his eyes back to me; when he noticed I was on the verge of tears, he smiled sweetly, trying to hide his own emotions.

  “My dad’s boss had invited them to his holiday home in Florida. They traveled in his private jet, but something went wrong during landing. It crashed into a hub and one of the engines exploded. I was never allowed to see my parents; they cremated what was left of their bodies and their ashes were all I was left with.”

  A tear escaped my control and I wiped it away with the back of my hand.

  “I’m sorry, Colin. I acted like a bitch and you…I didn’t know…”

  “Don’t worry. It was a long time ago.” He looked away again, staring out the window, and let out a sigh. “What still hurts, though, is that the last thing I told them was a lie. I didn’t tell them I loved them or how much they meant to me. I lied to them, and I’ll never forgive myself for that.”

  I stared quizzically at him and when he met my eyes again, he smiled and shrugged.

  “I was supposed to be on that plane, I’d been invited, too. But I wanted to have the house to myself—well, myself and my six-month girlfriend. It was the first time for both of us and I wanted to do it right. So I lied to my parents, saying I had some important essay to write for school and that I’d rather stay at home and finish it, and they believed me. I was having sex while my parents were dying; how shallow is that?”

  “But you didn’t know…you were young and you…”

  “I should’ve been on that plane, I should’ve died with them. I kept repeating this to myself for months after that day and the sense of guilt turned me into someone I didn’t recognize anymore.”

  “What happened then? Where did you go?”

  I didn’t want to sound like I was interrogating him but I felt he needed to talk to someone, as if he’d never told anyone about it.

  “I was an only child and I had no relatives left in America so they let me choose between a foster home or my grandmother’s in Ireland. So I moved to County Sligo, finished high school, went to college and became a physio.” He shrugged and smiled at me, going back to his usual self—the funny, carefree guy I knew. “And that’s my own sad story. Now, how about you stop acting as if you’re the only one on this earth who’s ever felt pain and go back to working on getting a normal life?”

  I blushed, knowing he was right and had every right to reprimand me. He’d been through something terrible and he had survived; now he wanted to help me, and I owed him at least that much.

  I met his stare. He smiled encouragingly, so I smiled back and nodded.

  “I’ll try to behave, Dr. Byrne.”

  He wrinkled his nose and made a face. “Yikes, don’t call me Dr. Byrne. It sounds old!”

  I laughed and, for the first time in days, I realized it was a real laugh, something that rose from my stomach up to my throat. He probably didn’t realize he was healing me in more ways than he had planned, and I thanked my lucky stars for making our paths cross.

  Chapter Eight

  Colin

  January 11, 2012

  I couldn’t understand why I had told her so much about my parents and my feelings. I simply could have told her they’d died; why did I have to tell her everything, down to the smallest detail? I barely knew her and she had enough on her hands already. She didn’t need to pity the poor boy who’d lost his parents. But there was something in those big, blue eyes, something that made me feel she could understand me, like she could help me or heal me, even. How stupid was that?

  I took a sip of coffee and realized I felt good. For the first time in years I felt as if a load had been taken off my shoulders. It felt liberating to talk to somebody about it, somebody who could understand how I felt.

  Maybe we would become friends and we could keep in touch when her rehab was over. Maybe we could go out some time, have a drink and a chat and…wait, what the hell was I thinking? She was my patient. She barely tolerated me during our sessions and only because she was forced to; what made me think she’d want to be my friend outside the hospital? Who was I kidding, anyway?

  The door to the staff room opened and I turned back, meeting Judith’s smiling gray eyes as she greeted me cheerfully.

  I scrutinized her face: she was giving me one of those looks, one I’d learnt to look out for on Gran’s face every time she wanted to ask me about a girl I was allegedly seeing but wouldn’t say it straight out. Judith wore that look quite often recently.

  She poured herself a cup of coffee then sat down opposite me.

  “How’s our Kathleen doing?”

  Our? Since when had she become ‘Our Kathleen’?

  “Um…she’s all right, I guess. She’s still in shock and not really willing to get treated. It will take her longer than we’d planned if she doesn’t change her attitude.”

  I tried to sound professional; I was talking about a patient after all, but my voice was somehow wary.

  “She’s very sweet, though, don’t you think?”

  Sweet? There, I knew it. She was exactly like Gran. And, once again, she was trying to set me up with a girl. I never really understood why, but Judith had somehow appointed herself as my matchmaker.

  Damn it, what was the matter with her? Why did she think I needed a woman in my life? What made her think I wanted to settle down? I was fine the way I was.

  I shrugged, pretending I didn’t care about Kathleen and drained my coffee. I needed to get out of there before she could start convincing me Kathleen was my perfect match. I couldn’t stand that.

  Okay, I found Kathleen good-looking—not that I was going to tell Judith that. Her big blue eyes stood out against her fair skin, and her long, brown hair looked like pure silk. Her bangs gave her a sweet, innocent look that, I had to admit, I found quite cute.

  But that didn’t really matter to me, did it? I’d never fallen for a patient, and she was too young for me anyway. I had my own baggage of pain, and she had hers. The best we could do was be friends, and cry on each other’s shoulder every now and then. Although I doubted she’d want to be my friend once she was released.

  “Colin, you know, I was thinking you could…”

  “Sorry Judith, I’ve gotta dash. I have an appointment in five minutes, don’t want to make my patient wait,” I said, standing up before she could finish the sentence—oh yeah, Judith, I knew exactly where you were going!

  I knew she was a smart woman and she probably understood I was running
away from her questions. I had no appointments for another thirty minutes but I really didn’t want her to start fantasizing about my wedding. Man, she could be worse than Gran at times!

  Speaking of whom, I realized I hadn’t called Gran in almost a week and I definitely needed to check on her. I hated being so far away from the most important woman in my life, although I tried to visit at least every other weekend.

  Gran answered on the second ring and her voice took on a cheerful tone when she heard it was me. I apologized for not calling sooner. I didn’t tell her but the truth was, that after Kathleen had been brought in, the old wounds had ripped open again and I knew Gran would pick up on how I was feeling if she heard me on the phone. I’d always been an open book to her, and knowing I’d gone back to one of those dark moments would probably have her worried.

  “Are you coming home this weekend, son?” Gran asked, bringing me back to the conversation I’d alienated myself from.

  “Sure, of course. I’m sorry I didn’t make it over last weekend.”

  “Good, then I’ll make you a stew.”

  My mouth watered at the thought. I couldn’t wait for the weekend so I could get in the car and reach Gran. Although…I hadn’t really thought of Kathleen and how lonely she would be if I drove away. But, then again, why should I care so much? Surely her family would come to visit her, and they’d keep her company. I wasn’t even sure she wanted me around, and Gran definitely needed me there. The stew was a bonus.

  I told Gran I’d be there around noon and she reminded me to drive safe—as usual—and when I hung up I felt a bit guilty, although I didn’t really understand why. I shrugged and went toward the lift, heading for the gym and my next appointment and trying to ignore that weird feeling in the pit of my stomach.

  Chapter Nine