“Do you believe in angels, Declan?” I asked when he sat on my bed. He smiled at me, seemingly unsurprised by my question.
“I sure do,” he said “Do you?”
I shrugged and let out a sigh. “I don’t know. Father O’Reilly said there are lots of angels in heaven, but how can he be so sure if he’s never seen one?”
Ever since our grandfather died a week before I’d been restlessly trying to find out if there was life after death, because I wanted to know that Grandpa was fine.
“Well, I’ve never seen an angel myself,” he said, tugging at his chin, “But I’m sure they’re all around us and, if you really believe, you might be able to see one some day.” He smiled and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, pulling my lobe in the teasing way that always made me laugh. “Sometimes we’ve got to believe in things even if they can’t be seen or explained. That’s what faith is all about, little Kathy.”
“Do you think Grandpa is in heaven now? That maybe he’s an angel?” I asked, not wanting to go to sleep or put an end to the conversation. Out of all the people I’d asked this question to he’d been the first one who’d said something that actually made sense, and I wanted to know more. He smiled and nodded.
“He’s probably playing golf with other angels now,” he said and we both laughed at the thought. “Go to sleep now, and don’t worry too much about him. I’m sure he’s doing great.”
I lay down and he pulled the blanket up to my chin, kissed my brow and stood up.
“Goodnight, Declan,” I said, just before he switched off the light.
“Nighty-night, little Kathy. Sweet dreams.” he whispered and closed the door.
I woke up with a start, short of breath. I looked around: I was in my hospital room, fourteen years later and had just relived the exact same day I’d lived when I was nine years old and wanted to know whether Grandpa was in heaven or not.
“Deco,” I said aloud. “Are you in heaven now?”
I sighed and laid my head down on my pillow. It was at that very moment, as I was just about to fall asleep again, that the door opened and Colin entered the room, ready for therapy.
“Hey! I see someone’s being lazy today!” he teased, his fists on his hips. I pulled the blanket over my head like a naughty child, and he laughed.
“I don’t want to get out of bed today,” I moaned. “That snow fight wore me out; I need to rest.”
I squealed when Colin yanked the blanket back and wanted to cover myself, even though I was totally dressed in my not-very-sexy flannel pajamas.
“Get out of bed,” he ordered in a firm tone and I quirked an eyebrow.
“Yeah, right. As if I could do that on my own.”
I reached for the blanket again, but he didn’t let me grab it.
“You’ve gotta learn sooner or later. You won’t be in this hospital forever, with nurses helping you in and out of bed. So why not start now?”
I snorted and crossed my arms over my chest. “I’ll start tomorrow.”
“Nope, you’ll start today. Come on,” he said, taking my hand and pulling me so I was sitting upright. Ugh, I hated it when he was so bossy!
Although I understood he was only doing his job, sometimes it felt as if he was deliberately trying to drive me crazy and at times like these, I couldn’t wait to be released from the hospital and finally go home.
I shrugged, sighed dramatically, and gave him a ‘Now what?’ expression.
He smiled, not at all intimidated by my look, and expertly showed me how to fix the brakes on the wheelchair and use all of my strength to prop myself up on my hands to get out of bed and into that awful wheelchair without falling flat on my face. I had to admit, he was a pretty good teacher and it turned out to be easier than I’d thought.
Since the day of the accident I’d always had someone take care of me, be it the nurses or my mom. She’d moved in with my aunt Josie a couple of days after the funeral so she could come and check on me during visiting hours. I felt awful for thinking it, but I wasn’t too pleased that my mom had decided to stay in Dublin and visit every day; I understood she was only trying to help, and she probably needed to keep herself busy so that she wouldn’t think of Declan, but she really treated me like a child most of the times, and the rest of the time she treated me like an invalid.
Yesterday when she’d come to visit in the afternoon, she’d insisted on helping me wash my hair. I’d been grateful, but when I’d tried to tell her I could dry it on my own since my arms were working okay, she’d looked hurt and I’d felt awful for hurting her feelings.
So I accepted her help even though, when she looked at me with compassion in her eyes, she made me feel as useless as a refrigerator at the North Pole.
Colin was different. He never made me feel like an invalid. He always spurred me to do better, to get a hold of my life again and try to make the most of what I’d been left with. It felt good; when I was with him I felt almost normal, and a normal life was all I yearned for right now.
I was a human contradiction, I knew that; one minute I wanted to go home and the other I wanted to stay in the hospital. I didn’t know what I wanted anymore. I just wanted to go back to being the old Kathy, but I knew it wasn’t likely to happen.
Once I was settled in my wheelchair, Colin winked at me, with his fists on his hips.
“See? So much fuss about nothing,” he said and my cheeks flushed. I was really ashamed of my childish behavior now. He grinned then called a nurse to help me get dressed, leaving me to think how I would miss being scooped up in his arms now I’d learned how to get out of bed on my own. When I became conscious where my thoughts had gone, I shook my head and realized how stupid I was for even just wishing he could be interested in me in that way.
When he came back to pick me up I was washed and dressed in my comfortable, but again not very sexy, tracksuit that would definitely never make him fall for me, and pushed all romantic thoughts about Colin into the recesses of my mind.
Chapter Twelve
Colin
January 17, 2012
“Do you believe in angels, Colin?” Kathleen asked out of the blue while she was lying on a mat in the gym. I was helping with her stretching exercises and her question caught me by surprise, so I stopped with my hands around her calf, her knee bent in midair, and stared at her.
“Sorry, I guess that was a stupid question,” she apologized, blushing. I was getting to know her by now and I understood she could be pretty insecure and shy at times. I was sure her brother had been her guiding light when he was alive and now that she was alone she looked lost, like a ship trying to approach a dark harbor with no lighthouse to guide it.
“No, it’s not,” I quickly said, lying her leg back down on the mat, not wanting her to feel ashamed or, least of all, intimidated by me. She’d started to open up, although I knew it was going to be a slow process, and I didn’t want her to shut up like a clam again. “It’s just…unusual. I don’t often get asked about angels during therapy.” I grinned and she seemed to relax a little.
“When I was nine, after my grandfather died, I started asking everyone about angels and heaven,” she explained, without meeting my eyes. “Declan was the only one who’d ever given me a satisfying answer.”
“Which was?” I asked, knowing she wouldn’t go on with her exercise until she was done with the subject. I’d come to learn that if she wanted to talk, I simply had to let her, because if I urged her to do her exercises instead she wouldn’t bother at all.
“He said they’re all around us and they look after us, although we can’t see them.”
I nodded. From the bits and pieces she’d told me so far I was starting to believe Declan had been a very diplomatic person as well as a very sweet brother. It broke my heart to think how much she must miss him now.
“What do you think?” She interrupted my train of thought and I stared at her, blankly.
“Well, I’m a doctor so I should really only believe in what can be scientif
ically explained,” I started, but her eyes suddenly turned dark—no, sad, so I quickly went on, before she could take offense. “But I’m also a Catholic so I’d like to believe there’s something more to life than this. I mean, it would be kinda sad if all we had was this life, if it all ended with death.”
She nodded; apparently my answer had sated her curiosity, so hopefully we could move to a more neutral ground.
“Then why didn’t angels save Declan?”
Ouch! Trick question. Whatever my answer, I was sure she wouldn’t like it. Even worse, she would probably hate me and I couldn’t afford that now.
“Er…well…” I said, stalling for time. I was really walking on thin ice and I wished she’d never come up with the subject in the first place. What was I supposed to reply?
She looked up at me and when her blue eyes locked with mine I knew I wouldn’t be able to lie. I bent my head and sighed.
“I don’t know, Kathleen.” I said honestly, scratching the back of my neck. “I’m still trying to figure out why my parents died and I’m still here, so…well, I guess I’m not the best person you should ask.”
Her eyes turned dark again, and her cheeks flushed.
“I’m sorry,” she said, sounding sad. “I forgot about your parents.”
I smiled at her trying to show her it was okay, but I felt the old ache come back—the ache that had kept me company for so long and I’d somehow managed to sweep under the carpet before it could destroy my life.
I needed to take my mind off the topic. I needed to think of something else. I couldn’t break down in front of her, it wouldn’t be professional and she surely didn’t need it.
“Now, can we concentrate on your therapy please?” I asked, trying to sound as if I was scolding, although I knew she wasn’t intimidated by me. She nodded and stared at the ceiling, lost in a world of her own, and I understood she wasn’t going to be cooperative today. After the snow fight I’d been quite confident she was getting better, but now she’d started talking about angels and why they didn’t save her brother and I felt like I was walking in a minefield. I didn’t want to say something wrong, nor did I want to dismiss the subject, but I honestly didn’t know how to behave. I’d always been confident I was good with people and that I knew how to take the best out of them, but with Kathleen I always felt as if I was taking one step forward and three steps back and I hated it. She was my challenge, my new mission, and I didn’t want to fail. I hated failing, and I wasn’t one to give up easily.
“Kathleen,” I said softly and she stopped staring at the ceiling, turning her gaze on me. “I really need you to focus on this, please.”
She stared at me sadly and I could see tears waiting to spill out. She’d been thinking of her brother again, no doubt.
“I’m tired,” she said, sighing and looking away. “Can we stop for today, please?”
I snorted and shook my head in resignation, sitting down on the floor and hugging my knees.
“You’re not even trying,” I said, without bothering to hide my exasperation. It was time she understood they paid me for a reason—the reason being to help her get back on her feet. “How am I supposed to help you?”
“I don’t see the point in trying,” she said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
“We’ve been there before.” I rolled my eyes while she looked away. “I have never lied to you, Kathleen and I ain’t gonna start now. Yes, you might be in that wheelchair for the rest of your life; but even so,” I changed my tone to a softer one, as I didn’t want her to feel I was chastising her. “You’ve got to try and learn to live with it. I know it sucks, but you can’t hide your head in the sand like an ostrich and wait for life to pass you by. You need to get a hold of it again and learn to cope with your new situation. You can still do lots of things, Kathleen. You can do anything as long as you really want it.”
“Like what?”
I snorted, hugging my knees even tighter because all I wanted to do was punch the floor in exasperation.
“Like…I don’t know, maybe following your therapy and letting your poor physio help you, for starters?”
“What for? Once I’m out of here, I’ll probably have to go back living with my parents and be a burden on them for the rest of my hopefully-very-short life.”
I stood up with a swift movement that startled her; I had to move away and count to ten before I was able to say anything.
“I’ve seen people worse off than you, Kathleen. And they were grateful to be alive, grateful they’d been given another shot at life, despite their condition. I know you went through a lot, and I understand it’s still too soon for you to accept it, but you’ll have to eventually. You’re here, you’re alive; that’s all that matters.”
I hadn’t meant for my tone to be so harsh but maybe it was what she needed, because when I turned back and looked at her, I saw her face was the picture of contrition and she was close to tears.
“I’m sorry,” she said, and I saw a tear roll down her cheek; I felt awful, and knelt down again, close to her. “You’re so right about everything, so right about me. I’m just hiding my head in the sand and I’m refusing to listen to anything that’s not what I want to hear. This is not who I am. I don’t want to be this boring, gloomy, self-absorbed person; I want to be able to laugh again, and get excited at life.” She looked up at me and her eyes were pleading. “Will you help me, Colin? Please?”
I smiled a broad grin and my heart felt lighter: our therapy hadn’t been a waste of time after all.
Chapter Thirteen
Kathleen
January 19, 2012
“Kathy.”
I pulled the blanket on top of my head, pretending not to hear the voice that was calling me, and rolled on my other side.
“Kathy.”
No, please, not yet.
It was still too early to get up, I was sure there was still an hour to go before I’d be late for school, so why had he come to wake me up now?
“Leave me alone, Declan.” I moaned, half asleep.
“I’m here, Kathy.”
My eyelids fluttered open. Surrounded by a warm, white aura that lit the darkness of my hospital room my brother stood by the foot of my bed smiling at me, one of his sweet smiles I had loved so much when he was alive.
“I’m here Kathy, I won’t leave you alone; we’ll get through all this together, I promise.”
“Declan.” I whispered, afraid I would wake up and find it had only been a dream. “But you were…”
“Dead? Yes, I died in the crash,” he whispered, as if he had been able to read my thoughts. “But I moved on to another life, a better place. Our souls live on, Kathy.”
He kept smiling, and he got close to me until he was standing by the side of the bed. He looked peaceful and healthy.
Tears filled my eyes and soon they started running down my cheeks before I could stop them.
“Sweetheart, don’t cry for me; I’m doing great,” he said, smiling. I sniffled and wiped away the tears with the back of my hand.
“Are you…?”
“An angel?” he finished my sentence and I nodded. He looked at me, his blue eyes deeper than ever. “I’m not only an angel, Kathy. I’m your angel. I’m here to help you. I’ve been sent to cure your soul and help you fulfill your destiny.”
Declan was right there beside me, he was smiling at me and he was there to help me. It was too much for me to bear, too much to take in. My heart wanted to believe but my head was telling me it was another of my silly dreams.
“You won’t leave me again, will you Deco?” I asked, feeling scared at the thought of him disappearing. I’d been dreaming of him almost every night ever since the accident, although most of the time they were nightmares in which he was either walking away from me and not hearing my screams, or falling off a cliff and I couldn’t save him. Every time I woke with a start, but right now I hoped he wouldn’t leave me again. I felt complete now he was here and looking at his f
ace surrounded by an aura of white light filled my soul with hope.
He bent down and touched my hand; a sense of calm and peace pervaded my body and I closed my eyes as warmth spread through my skin.
“I’ll stay as long as you need me, Kathy,” he whispered, and for the first time since the accident I felt peaceful as I slowly fell asleep. I was sure the awful nightmares wouldn’t haunt me anymore, because I knew Declan wouldn’t let it happen.
I woke up as light peeped in through the curtain and rubbed my hand across my eyes. For the first time in days I’d slept like a log, and when I remembered what had happened the night before I felt an inner strength I hadn’t had in days.
I looked at the wheelchair next to my bed and contemplated pushing the call button to wait for a nurse to help me, like I always did. But I remembered how Colin taught me to be independent, to get out of bed on my own, and I decided I wanted to try. In the worst of cases, I’d fall off the bed, but the thought didn’t scare me.
I lifted my legs with my hands and threw them lifelessly off the side of the bed. Then I braced my arms and I lowered myself onto the wheelchair seat. I was so proud of myself I wanted to scream but I decided against it, knowing the other patients in the ward didn’t really need a fright. Instead, I wheeled close to the window and pulled the curtains open.
“Grand,” I sighed, looking out of the window on a typical Irish day, all my happiness gone. Even so, I opened the sliding window and breathed the cold rainy air. The smell of wet grass filled my lungs and my mind wandered. Memories of my childhood in Galway filled my head, the days we spent running in the fields, Declan and I, together with the other kids of the neighborhood. I felt tears filling my eyes, as the happy laughter of Declan running through the fields chasing me echoed in my head. A warm salty tear ran down my cheek, and I instinctively wiped it away with the back of my hand like I had done so often recently. I closed the window and took a deep breath, trying to pull myself together, before anyone walked into my room.
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