At his immediate frown, she wished she could take the words back, eat them before she spilled them.
“You ask too much.”
“You ask for nothing, Jake. Why shouldn’t you deserve happiness as much as the next man?”
“Because I don’t have any guarantees. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to have children. Hell, I don’t even know if I’m going to make it to my next birthday.”
“That’s such bullshit, Jake. You won’t let yourself live because it would make you just like the rest of us. Vulnerable. Scared of failure. Fear of being an ordinary person, in ordinary circumstances, taking chances without any certainty as to the outcome. It’s all a risk. Every day. Living is hard, commitment is hard, but making an attempt to do it right is the hardest part of all.”
He glared at her. “Is that why you’re here? To fix our marriage? Do it ‘right’?”
His sarcasm stung, but she’d gone too far to back down now. “And what if I am?”
His look burned through her chest, laying a scorch across her heart. “I’d say you’re out of luck.”
Lila’s hand rose of its own accord. It flew across the space between them and came into contact with his chest as he backed away.
She fell, tipped forward by the momentum of her angry fist. She hit the ground hard, her hands taking the brunt of the impact. Slightly dazed, her brain registered Jake’s concern as background. Seconds passed as she regained her composure.
“Lila? Are you hurt?”
She couldn’t look at him. Couldn’t force herself to see the self-hatred in his eyes. She hugged the warm grass beneath her, closing her eyes. Why? Why did she have to love him so much? And why didn’t he love himself just a little? Just enough to see he was worthy of all the things he denied.
His hands gripped her shoulders, rolling her onto her back. Lila refused to open her eyes. His hand snaked around her back, pulling her into his lap.
“Lila, open your eyes, dammit, and tell me you’re okay.” He shook, his voice gruff with emotion.
Squinting through one open eye, she took in the grief written across his handsome face. His strong lips were turned down and tension creased his forehead.
She wanted to smooth the worry and found her hand lifting to do so. He leaned into her hand, kissing the inside of her wrist, closing his eyes as she stroked his face.
Lila wrapped her hand around his neck, pulling him down to meet her lips. A spark electrified the air as their lips met and a tingle coursed down her spine, spreading fire in its wake.
The light pressure of his lips turned immediately intense, demanding. She submitted, opening like a rose in the morning sun.
His tongue drilled past her lips, past her teeth to the recesses of her mouth. He drank from her. He sucked her tongue, nipped the full center of her bottom lip, and licked the tender underside of her top.
She opened further, releasing all reservations of past mistakes and future doubts. She let herself glory in the sensations, forgetting the outside world, forgetting he didn’t want her as his wife.
She sensed the control in his powerful body, through the tender circle of his arms and gentle caress of his hands. He traced the outline of her cheekbones with his fingers and glided down the column of her neck. His lips followed his hands, licking the pronounced hollow of her throat through the deep vee of her T-shirt.
“You taste like sherbet, Lila.”
His comment sank in seconds later. “What? Sherbet?”
His hand drifted lower to her breast, kneading the flesh through her shirt, pulling at the nipple hidden beneath her bra.
“Hmmm. Sherbet.”
She groaned into his mouth, encouraging his hand to find her shirttail and pull the fabric high, exposing her midriff.
“What flavor?” She loved to tease him almost as much as she relished the feel of his rough hands on her skin. His fingers found the clasp at the front of her bra and thumbed it open, freeing her breasts.
She felt the hot Texas sun caress a naked breast as he lifted her shirt higher still. The lavish attention of Jake’s warm tongue took the sun’s place, but the heat intensified, burning her, claiming her.
He sucked her nipple, testing. “Orange,” he mumbled, his mouth wrapped around her breast.
The world spun away. It didn’t matter that they were in the middle of a pasture on a deserted road. She would take him in the IGA given the chance.
His hand parted her legs and skimmed up a thigh and under her twill skirt to rest heavily on her silk panties. He cupped the slightly rounded mound, letting the weight and warmth drive her crazy.
When his fingers plucked the lace out of the way and brushed her center, she groaned, releasing a rush of air through her teeth.
Relentless, he teased her, stroking and staying just outside her warm, wet core. When his fingers finally dipped inside, Lila came apart in his hands.
“God, Jake…now!” She was ready, writhing with need. She moved a hand to the front of his jeans, caressing his concealed length from base to tip. He was rock hard. Even through the stiff fabric, she could outline the plum-shaped head of his erection.
She needed to feel him pulsing in the palm of her hand, trace the rigid outline of veins, taste the salt upon his skin. She wanted to feel her own power over his body, to know she had the ability to create the same fire within him that burned out of control inside her.
She sought his gaze in the bright sunlight. She found him watching her from behind shadowed lashes. His hat lay upon the grass at her side and his hair stood on end in several places, tousled from her roaming hands. A sensual smile played along the corners of his mouth and a mischievous look shone in his eyes, eyes that reflected the intensity of the overhead sky back to her.
Two fingers pushed inside her, filling her until she came off the ground, pushing against his hand. He lowered his head and recaptured her lips, imitating the dance of his hands electrifying her insides.
She worked at the front of his jeans, unraveling his belt and popping the button. The zipper slid down and he sprang up, straining against a pair of plaid boxers.
He disengaged his tongue enough to mumble across her lips, “I quit wearing briefs a while back.”
Lila laughed outright, hugging him close.
She loved him. And she did the right thing by being here. In Hannington. This is where she belonged, in his arms.
He pulled back, lifting her until she straddled his lap, her skirt hiked high around her hips.
He grinned, licking the exposed nipple even with his mouth. “I like this position.”
She threw her head back, laughing in agreement, offering herself to him. Her breast lay heavy in his warm hand, his thumb rubbing the peak to exquisite hardness.
She opened the front flap on his boxers and pulled him free. It was Jake’s turn to groan. And he did, loud and low in his throat.
He shifted her weight with his hands and she felt the head of his erection nudging against the tight barrier of her panties. She leaned into him, pulling the silk to one side, and he pushed through, filling her in a swift drive.
“Ahhh.” She sank low, taking all of him, filling herself with Jake until she couldn’t distinguish between their bodies, their breaths. He grasped the back of her neck in a firm grip, pulling her lips to his.
He rocked her forward and back in successive motions, driving her crazy. She clung to him, shutting out everything but the feel of their bodies. When she thought she couldn’t ride any higher, he slid a thumb between her folds and along her most sensitive skin until he found her clit.
“Jake!” She dropped her head back, the yell bursting from her lips. He held her tightly against his chest as he climaxed, too, his seed nestling deeply within the walls of her womb.
His head fell to her shoulder and the tension left his body all at once.
Coming back to reality, she noted her clothes were damp with steam and perspiration. And she loved it. She looked around the open pasture populated by mesquit
e trees and rough limestone rock.
She hadn’t made love outdoors since they were nineteen. God, how glorious!
She pressed a hand against Jake’s shoulder and leaned back, taking in the expression on his face, expecting the same rosy glow she felt within.
A cloud passed across his eyes and he fixed her with his penetrating stare. “Are you on the pill?”
The unexpected question hit her like an icy shot of water during a warm shower. “No. I haven’t had the need for birth control lately.”
“Goddammit.” His hands fisted at his side on the ground, but Lila yearned for them to hold her.
He pulled himself together and reined in his temper. “I’m sorry. This was my fault.”
“I had an orgasm, too. I’d like to think I was part of this afternoon delight.” She said this with Jake still inside her.
“I’m not denying we’re good in bed together. That would be a lie. But we can’t afford to plan for a future.” He’d said it figuratively, but there it was: he had an appointment for a cancer screening. “I’ll drive you to Walgreens and buy you the morning-after pill.”
She looked down their bodies to where they were intimately joined. They belonged together, like this, every day for the rest of their lives. She didn’t care how long it meant, as long as they were together to share it.
And she didn’t want the damn morning-after pill!
Her eyes shot back up, colliding with his wary stare. “Look at us, Jake.” His gaze remained steady on her face. “Look at us!” Her voice tightened, thick with determination to make him understand, acknowledge they were right together.
His eyes lowered, trailing down her chest.
“We can’t keep our hands off each other. It’s like we’re nineteen again. If this thing between us hasn’t died in the ten years we’ve been apart, I don’t think it ever will. Why throw it away?”
“I’m not worried about the health of our libidos, Lila.” His lips thinned in self-disgust. “Knocking you up with a kid, although the chance is pretty remote with all of the drugs that have passed through my body, has me scared shitless. What if you do get pregnant and I’m not around anymore? What’ll you do then?”
She recoiled at the vehemence of his words. At last, honesty.
“You don’t know what tomorrow brings. It might bring life and life for many more days after that. It’s a chance I’m willing to take. With you. It’s called loving with your whole heart.”
He moved his hands up her arms, and she leaned in for the expected embrace. But he set her back, disengaging their bodies. He stood, focusing on the horizon as adjusted his jeans.
His withdrawal left her feeling hollow, cold inside. She sat on the hard, warm earth, prickly grass tickling the underside of her thighs.
Could rejection be any more brutal than that? She wondered for a moment if Miss Pru had felt this way. Rejected. Over and over again.
She hated him in that moment. Hated him for his distance, his ability to withdraw and push her away like used goods. And she hated herself for wanting something so much. For wanting him. It was her teenage years all over again. Wanting to fit in, to win the approval of the town, Jake’s parents. To have people see her as a worthy person and not just another Gentry girl.
The hurt swelled inside her, rushing up her throat to fill her mouth with mean words. But what good would they do? Mean words never helped. She bit them back and got to her knees, adjusting her skirt.
Jake walked a wide circle around her, like a wolf around a wounded mate. Watchful, but incapable of removing the pain.
With her bra and top back in place, she gained her feet and headed down the road, leaving Jake to his silence. She’d covered maybe twenty yards when she heard the tread of his boots behind her.
“Lila.” His tone told her to be reasonable. She wasn’t in the mood any longer to be reasonable. She wanted to knock him on his ass, make him hurt as much as she hurt. But it wouldn’t accomplish a thing, except to drive him further away.
God. Wouldn’t it feel good, though? For just a minute?
“Lila.” He grabbed her arm and spun her around to face him. “Where are you going?”
“To civilization. We still have work to do. Miss Pru is waiting.” And according to her sage advice, when one problem couldn’t be fixed, a woman should turn attention to another. Eventually, the unsolvable would solve itself.
The deepening crease between Jake’s dark brows told her he knew she hurt.
“So we’re just going to go back to town like nothing happened out here?”
“If you can act like nothing happened, so can I.” She turned and resumed her march to the road. But she couldn’t act like nothing had happened. It had. Her hand snaked across her belly, rubbing the flat plane of her stomach.
What if they did make a baby? What would she do then?
Love it. Raise it. Be the best damn mother she could be. With or without Jacob Winter.
No use in worrying over an uncertain future. Hell, it was her own advice; she might as well follow it.
Lesson Number Eleven —
Love resides everywhere, in everything. If you open your heart to the land and people around you, chances are good love will find you.
Chapter Thirteen
Jake flipped the switch for the overhead light. His kitchen fell under the harsh glow of fluorescent bulbs. Not the most welcoming lighting for an early-morning visit to the refrigerator, but then his mood wasn’t so pleasant, either.
He plucked the carton of orange juice off the glass shelf and pulled a chair out from under the breakfast table, the fridge door slamming behind him. The juice slid down the back of his throat, quenching his need for stronger spirits.
He’d given up heavy drinking years ago, but since Lila had come back to town, he found the pull of the bottle stronger, something in which to ease the turmoil.
And turmoil she created. His heart and his head were out of sync. His head pushed him one way, further away, all while his heart pulled him closer to her.
The notice for his appointment lay faceup on the table. Jake reread the words for the hundredth time. Yearly screening for cancer patients was rote, no big deal. But each time Jake had to lie on that long, icy steel table, he felt a degree of himself slip away. Never to be recovered.
He pushed the paper across the table, out of sight.
Rising out of the chair, he padded down the hall to his bedroom. Sleep would continue to evade him, so he might as well meet the day head-on. Plunging his body under the warm jets of the shower, he considered the previous day and how he’d been a completely selfish prick.
What the hell was wrong with him? Taking what she too easily gave up. He should have reined himself in, told Lila she deserved better. The woman had fought too long and too hard for her reputation and successful business to throw it away on coming back to Hannington and to him.
He hadn’t said word one. Instead he dived inside her like they were having sex for the first time, barely slowing down to reflect on the consequences. Or, Jesus, to even take off their clothes.
He’d been too long without her company. Her support. Her compassion and courage. But damn, if she hadn’t felt good in his arms, writhing under his fingers, igniting him with the touch of her delicate hands.
Lila had managed to keep her distance the remainder of the day, speaking to him only when necessary. After a passing truck had stopped an hour into their trek and given them a lift to the nearest gas station, she’d called Rose for a ride, leaving him for good.
He sure the hell couldn’t blame her. He’d have left his dumb ass, too.
To make amends, he’d fetched the new store lock and installed it that night under the blaze of a shop light hung from a rusty signage hook under the store’s canopy. He wanted her to know he took her seriously. The job, anyway. At least he could give her that.
Shutting his front door behind him, Jake stepped out into the predawn light. Stars twinkled overhead, wrapping him in familiar comf
ort. He could always count on the sky being the same, each and every day.
It used to be enough.
But not anymore.
“Lila Jean! It’s Jake again!” Granny’s voiced barreled into the kitchen where Lila washed fresh-picked tomatoes in the cast-iron sink.
“Tell him I’ve gone out, please.” She shouted right back, not the least bit inclined to take his call. The humiliation of the other day washed over her anew, bringing heat to her face.
When would she learn?
“You get over here and take this call, girl. This is the third time the poor man’s called today and I won’t lie to him again!”
Stamping her foot, Lila twisted the tap off and marched into the den, drying her hands on a Florida souvenir dish towel as she went. Granny sat enthroned in her favorite recliner, an icy glass of tea at her elbow, the phone smothered between her hand and the side of the chair. When she saw Lila, she shoved the phone at her, her gaze threatening punishment if she didn’t behave with the good manners taught her.
Sticking her tongue out, Lila grabbed the receiver and smacked it to her ear. “What?” her belligerent voice shouted across the line.
“Good afternoon to you, too.”
Granny snatched the towel out of her hand and whipped it around, smacking Lila on the backside.
She danced out of Granny’s reach as the matriarch waved a finger in warning.
“What do you want?” And why the hell did he sound in such a good mood?
“As your contractor, I’m reporting the progress thus far on the store.”
Lila slouched on the brocade-covered ottoman. Crap, and she’d harbored hopes he’d called to apologize. “What progress?” She heard his warm chuckle across the line. She could picture his head thrown back, his sable-colored hair brushing the collar of his shirt.
“Oh, what a short memory you have. I fixed the lock on the door. Good as new.”
He’d fixed the lock? After the other day, she’d figured he’d given up the job for good. She hadn’t seen him around and truly, hadn’t bothered to look. She’d needed time to lick her wounds and revise her plan.
Deconstructing Lila (Entangled Select) Page 11