by Leah Atwood
“But Lettie, she’s okay?”
“She’s fine dear. Doing great.”
“Has she asked for me?” He must sound terribly selfish asking.
“Childbirth requires intense focus.”
Which was her subtle way of telling him Lettie hadn’t asked for him. Against his will, a stab of disappointment pricked his heart, but he willed it away. This was about Lettie and her bringing a healthy baby into this world.
Did all fathers feel this way, waiting for their child’s appearance? He needed fresh air. Going back outside, he took a seat in one of the two rocking chairs. Then he worried Myrtle or Flynn might come down to give a progress report and wouldn’t be able to find him, so he propped the door open with a river stone he kept for on the porch for that purpose.
The normally soothing rocking of the chair did nothing to alleviate his anxiety. Had he previously had even a sliver of doubt about loving Lettie, it was now decimated. Love for her pounded on him, knocking his breath away. All he wanted was to be in the room with her, holding her hand and helping her through this. He twisted his lips. Unfortunately, that wasn’t to be. There was only one thing he could do.
He bowed his head and prayed. When he finished his supplication and opened his eyes, the sky had darkened to hues of deep blues and purples. For the first time since Lettie had called out his name that morning, peace settled over him. He rocked for a few more minutes before returning inside and making coffee. About to take his first sip, he looked up when he heard footsteps on the stairs. He set his cup down and briskly made his way to the stairwell.
Myrtle reached the bottom step, her smile wide and bright. “Would you like to see your wife now?”
“Is the baby here?”
She nodded.
“Is it healthy? Is it a boy or a girl?” The questions spilled out.
“Lettie would like to tell you herself.”
Only a great restraint kept Rand from pushing past Myrtle and bounding up the stairs. After what seemed like minutes, but, in reality, was only seconds, Myrtle turned and went up, leaving him to follow. He paused before entering the bedroom, taking a deep breath, preparing himself to meet his son or daughter. Though not his by blood, he already loved this baby.
Flynn came out of the room, flashing a proud smile toward Rand. He grabbed his wife’s hand and took her downstairs, giving the new parents a private moment.
Rand’s heart beat rapidly in anticipation. He swallowed hard and took a step inside. Lettie was sitting in bed, propped up by several pillows. Damp strands of hair clung to her forehead and temples and dark circles shadowed her eyes. But she was beautiful and glowing. His gaze traveled down and his mouth gaped. He blinked and looked again.
He pointed a finger to the bundled baby in the crook of Lettie’s right arm. Then he pointed to the other bundle in the crook of her left arm.
“There… there are two?” Shocked, he stumbled over his words.
Grinning at him, Lettie invited him over. “Come here, Rand. Meet your son and daughter.”
Tears of joy welled in his eyes. He took the few steps to the bed and sat down by his wife. “Which one is which?”
She lifted her right shoulder. “This one is a boy. Meet Daniel Morgan McCade. I thought we could call him Danny. Would you like to hold him?”
Struck speechless, he nodded and slid a hand under Danny’s neck and the other under his bottom. He lifted the baby and cradled him to his chest. So tiny and small.
With her right arm freed, she moved it so that she cradled the girl with both arms. “And this is Naomi Melanie McCade. I thought we could honor Mellie’s memory as well. If that is fine by you,” she said, a quiver of uncertainty in her voice.
If possible, his heart would have burst. Only dear sweet Lettie would think to include Mellie. “Perfectly fine. They are beautiful,” he murmured, still in awe that he was a father, not just of one, but two, precious little babies. “And so tiny. Did Flynn say they were healthy? What did he say about them arriving early?” Paternal concerns hit him with a gale force strength.
“He gave them a clean bill of health. They are breathing great on their own and showing proper responses. He said that often times, twins do arrive early.”
Leaning over, he dusted her cheek with a chaste kiss. “I’m so proud of you, sweetheart.” I love you, he inserted, inaudibly.
Chapter Eight
Shrill cries pierced the air. Lettie stopped dusting the dresser top and picked two-week old Naomi up from the cradle before she woke her brother, who’d finally fallen asleep. She hugged her daughter closely, taking her to the rocking chair that Rand had brought up to the bedroom from downstairs. As Naomi nursed, her shrill cries turned to satisfied suckling noises. Soon, she joined her brother in the land of slumber.
Despite being behind on housework, Lettie continued to rock Naomi. Her babies wouldn’t remain small forever and she wanted to treasure every moment with them. A mother’s love was unlike anything she’d ever experienced. It was protective, cherishing, selfless and unconditional. She’d protect Danny and Naomi with her life if need be, and shower them with every ounce of love she had.
In their fifteen days of life, they’d already begun to show their different personalities. Danny was a relaxed baby, always content as long as his belly was full. His cries were more like soft whimpers, barely reaching a grating level. Naomi, on the other hand, was entirely different. When she got mad, her miniscule hands waved and punched the air, her tiny nose scrunched up, and she would screech at such a high pitch, Lettie often wondered if her ears would survive Naomi’s infanthood.
But she wouldn’t have her babies any other way. God had made them each exactly how they were supposed to be, diverse personalities and all. Lettie looked down at Naomi when she hiccupped in her sleep. Running her hand over the feathery blond tufts of hair, she was in wonder that she had carried this perfect little being into the world.
Reluctantly, she set Naomi back in the cradle. The newborns were so tiny, they both fit comfortably in the cradle. Eventually, a second one would have to be purchased, but Lettie didn’t want to think about her babies getting bigger. Distinct thumps came from the stairwell. She giggled, knowing the sounds came from Rand tiptoeing up the stairs. To his credit, she could tell he tried to be quiet, but a man his size was bound to make noise while climbing the wooden steps that were hollow underneath.
She smiled when he entered the room. Rand, Danny and Naomi were her world. When Daniel died, she’d never expected to love again, let alone have a life which filled her so completely. Yet, here she was, married to a kind and patient man with whom she’d fallen in love.
He hadn’t said the words yet, but she felt in her heart that he also loved her. The friendship and bond they’d been developing in those first months was cemented with the babies’ arrival. They became parents, a team, working together for the good of their family.
Family.
The word struck her with awe. It was an amazing, wonderful word. It wasn’t the family she’d envisioned with Daniel, but it was a family nonetheless, and one she wouldn’t take for granted. Daniel’s memory would always hold a part of her heart, but she’d made room in her heart for more love.
Rand slipped an arm around her waist. “How have they been?”
“Perfect.”
He chuckled. “I wouldn’t expect anything less.”
“Naomi fought sleep again, but she lost the battle ten minutes ago.”
“And how are you feeling?” The tips of his eyelashes touched his brows when he looked down at her.
“Great. Better than I have in a very long time.” Two weeks after giving birth, her energy had returned tenfold.
Slowly, she was beginning to feel like her old self, a person she’d almost forgotten about. There were still times she found herself weepy or overly-emotional, but when Myrtle came to visit yesterday, she had assured her that was all perfectly normal.
“I’m glad.” He tilted his head and kissed her l
ips. “Will you have a cup of coffee with me?”
Her gaze wandered to the dresser where she’d left her dust rag. Chores could wait a few more minutes. “I’ll get it ready.”
“Already took care of it before I came up.”
“Then what are we waiting for?” Before she left the room, she bent over and placed a light kiss on each sleeping baby’s head.
Downstairs, Lettie removed the pot of coffee from the stove and poured the liquid into two cups. She stirred a spoonful of cream in hers and then carried them to the table.
“I have to make a trip to town tomorrow and hire some men for the round up. Would you like to come with me and visit with Myrtle?”
She shook her head no, wishing she could make the trip. “Flynn said to keep the babies home for a few more weeks.”
“Will you be okay by yourself with both babies?” His eyebrows crinkled and concern tightened his smile.
My, how things have changed, Lettie thought. A month ago she would have bristled at his question, assuming he thought her incapable. Now, she simply accepted that he was a thoughtful and caring husband. “I’ll be fine. You won’t always be here to help and I love taking care of them.”
His eyes narrowed, and he looked at her intently, hurt. “I’m not going anywhere, not as long as the Good Lord wants me here.”
“Good grief, Rand, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry. I only meant that you’ll be away from the house often while working.”
“Oh.” He ran a hand through his hair, leaving the strands mussed. “I…”
Lettie sucked in her breath. Rand looked at her with a heavy expression full of… love? Was this the moment she’d been waiting for. How she would love to hear him say the three words her heart longed to hear.
“I care about you. I want you to know that.”
Her chest deflated. Caring was something, at least. It was a start. “I care for you as well.” And so much more.
“I have to go.” He pushed his chair back and stood. Placing his hat back on his head, he turned and left, leaving a half-full cup of coffee.
“That was strange,” she said to the empty room. What just happened?
There was no time for immediate contemplation. The noise of a gentle whimper filtered down from the bedroom. Danny must be awake. She went back upstairs and gathered her son. A rotten odor alerted her to the reason for his whimpers. She cleaned him up and wrapped his bottom in a clean diaper. Then she took advantage of the quiet moments and rocked him for a few minutes. Naomi would wake up soon, so she enjoyed the individual time with Danny as she had done with her daughter earlier.
Once both babies were awake, the midday hours passed rapidly. She changed diapers, nursed, rocked and sometime in between all that, found a way to finish dusting and put a stew on for supper. Gratitude washed over her when Danny and Naomi fell asleep within minutes of each other for another nap. Mothering was hard work, but she wouldn’t change a minute of it.
Rand hadn’t come in for dinner, nor for his usual afternoon break did he often take when he worked near the house. A niggling feeling wouldn’t leave her alone. Something had happened earlier while they were having their coffee that had driven a wedge between them.
Whatever it was, she needed it to be fixed. An inexplicable urge to see him struck her. She should have at least twenty minutes before one of the twins woke up. Going outside, she scanned the landscape, not laying eyes on Rand. She went to the back side of the house.
The sun shone bright, but the dewy smell of rain permeated the air. Movements coming from the cottonwood tree caught her attention. She took a few steps forward, stopping when she heard Rand’s voice. She ought to have announced her presence, but she became transfixed when she saw him sitting under the canopy of leaves. He appeared to be in a one-sided conversation. Her head tilted forward, not to eavesdrop, but to hear if it was a conversation acceptable to interrupt.
His voice was laden with emotion. “I’ll always love you, Mellie. Nothing can ever diminish what we shared, and it’s taken a long time, but I’ve finally realized that’s okay.”
Lettie’s breathing took on the form of short and rapid intakes of air. She couldn’t have heard him right, yet she’d heard it with her own ears. How could she have been so wrong about his feelings toward her? Now she understood why, earlier, he’d escaped the house so quickly. Rand was simply a nice man who felt obligated to take care of her. She should feel grateful that he’d treated her so well and loved the babies as his own. But why did it hurt so badly to hear him talking to his dead wife, admitting that he’d always love her.
Spinning on a heel, she turned and ran back to the house, tears streaming down her face. She stopped at the porch, leaned over the railing, gasping for breath. Pull yourself together Leticia Montrose Morgan McCade, she chided herself. You are better than this.
She was overreacting. Logically, she knew this, but her heart had different ideas. The truth hurt and made her feel foolish for believing he returned her love. She went to the water basin and splashed water onto her face. Blinking, she forced the moisture from her eyes, a combination of water and tears.
What she needed was a woman and a friend to talk with, who understood what she was going through. Someone like Sarah, who’d once been in a similar position. A return letter from Sarah had arrived several days ago. Perhaps reading the note again would cheer her up, or at minimum, temporarily distract her from the issue at hand.
The letter was folded and wedged between two pages of her Bible that still sat at a table in the living area. Lettie retrieved the letter and sat down to read the words again. Sarah spent most of the correspondence talking about Oregon and how beautiful the land was. Frank had been so happy to see her and the children, and Sarah had fallen in love with him all over again.
She was happy for her friend, who’d found love. Their lives weren’t a competition, and she could be happy for someone who had what she didn’t. Besides, Rand cared for her and that meant something. It wasn’t as though her marriage was void of any affection. She simply had to learn to be content with what she had.
And what she had was a heart full of blessings. It was time to start counting them.
Thirty minutes later, Naomi woke up and Lettie went to her, feeling much better than she had. She didn’t know how she’d face Rand, but at least she had a better perspective and didn’t feel as though her heart was shattered.
Chapter Nine
A weight had been lifted from Rand’s shoulders. That morning, while he shared coffee with Lettie, he’d never been so close to telling her he loved her. The words were so close to coming out, resting on the tip of his tongue. But at the last second, he’d backed down and told her he cared for her. The words sounded empty, even to him. Of course, he cared for her. Like a shamed dog, he’d made a quick escape. He knew what he had to do.
Under the cottonwood, one of his favorite places to go when he needed to clear his thoughts, he had a talk with Mellie. Well, as much of a conversation as one could have with a dead person. It was more like sorting out his thoughts, talking to a pretend friend, though he liked to think she was looking down from Heaven, listening.
He’d told her about Lettie. About her ability to continue on against any obstacle, her strength in standing for what was right, even her mood swings. Once he started talking about her, he couldn’t stop. He was completely crazy about her. After he’d told Mellie everything he could about Lettie, he’d released himself from the vow he’d made to her, or rather acknowledged he’d fulfilled that vow and was free to love again. Because he’d promised till death do us part, and death had separated them.
He had loved Mellie, and he would always love her. She was a piece of his past who’d helped form the man he was today. He’d done a lot of soul-searching and came to the conclusion that his love for Mellie was different than what he’d felt for Lettie. Mellie was the love of his youth. Circumstances had brought them together at a young age and falling in love was the natural course of the
ir lives.
Lettie was his mature love. He’d loved once before and learned the meaning. He knew not to squander the gift he’d been given, only it had taken him several weeks to realize what a gift it was. True, Lettie and he had also been brought together by circumstance, but he’d made a choice to choose her and to love her, even though it wasn't the path he’d set out to take.
Tonight he would tell her. He could tell he’d hurt her earlier today, and that was something he had to make right. Life was too short to live with misunderstandings or unspoken words.
Feeling fifty pounds lighter, he returned to the house. Evening was approaching and he wouldn’t get much more work done outside today anyway. Lettie was at the stove, stirring the simmering stew. He went to her, stood behind her and wrapped his arms around her, clasping his hands at her flattened stomach.
“Something smells good,” he told her, sniffing her hair.
She tensed and ignored the double entendre. “Supper will be ready soon. I’ll be back down after checking on the babies.” Extricating herself from his hold, she moved away and walked upstairs.
Uneasiness coiled his stomach into tight knots. He’d hurt her worse than he had thought. Thinking back to childhood, he remembered a few times his Ma and Pa had experienced disagreements. Pa had always said it was best to give a woman her space until she cooled down and then shower her with love. He didn’t want to wait to tell her he loved her, but maybe Pa had a point. Several hours remained in the day. He’d give her some space and tell her before they went to bed.
The twins were abnormally cranky that night. Could be, they sensed the change in pressure. Rain was moving, and he hoped it held off until tomorrow evening. He really needed to get into town and find some men for hire. He might even hire one on a permanent basis. This spring had already seen an influx of calves and he still had some heifers who hadn’t calved yet. From a business standpoint, things were looking toward a tidy profit this year.
Naomi’s shrill cry pierced his eardrums. At the same time, he heard Daniel whimpering. He made his way to the bedroom, ready to help out any way he could. Lettie was pacing back and forth, Naomi cradled against her chest and her head resting on her mama’s shoulder. Patting her back, Lettie tried to expel gas from her daughter.