‘Shahana?’
She swings around at the sound of her name. It is Ayesha. ‘You startled me.’
Ayesha’s mouth is stretched tight; she doesn’t even give a greeting. ‘Who was that with Tanveer?’
Shahana realises it is not the time to lie. ‘His name is Zahid.’ She takes Ayesha’s hands in her own. ‘He is like a brother, like Irfan.’
‘Oh, Shahana. I came to see if you are all right. You went so quickly yesterday, and Ummie wondered why you didn’t talk about Mr Nadir.’
‘You told her about that?’
‘Yes, you need help.’ She purses her lips. ‘But I see your life is even more complicated than you said.’
Shahana sighs. ‘Come inside and I will tell you over chai.’
When they have their hands wrapped around cups of salty noon chai, keeping their fingers warm, Shahana speaks again.
‘We found him, Tanveer and I, saved him from the wild dogs. He hunts for us. Tanveer loves him. I’ve never seen him so happy. How could I turn Zahid away?’
‘Couldn’t you have told the police?’
‘Go to Athmuqam? It’s too far away, how could I do that? Besides, they’d put him in the camp or prison. They’d think he was a refugee, a fugitive or a boy militant.’
‘And he is none of these things?’ Ayesha’s voice is sharp.
Shahana hangs her head miserably. ‘I don’t know.’
‘All the more reason why you should live with us.’
‘What about Tanveer?’
‘He can come too.’
‘You are so kind. I will think about it carefully.’
‘There is really only one decision to make, Shahana.’ Ayesha puts her empty cup on the floor.
‘Some more chai?’ Shahana lifts the samovar.
At first Ayesha says no, but Shahana asks again. The third time she asks Ayesha sighs and says yes.
‘Do you remember those afternoon teas at our house after school? Always three times we had to ask if you wanted more chai and on the third time your mother would say yes.’
‘It is the proper way.’ Ayesha has not lost her frown. ‘So many things are not done properly anymore. It’s because of the conflict.’ She regards Shahana. ‘But not everything has changed – we mustn’t forget what is haram. Do you know what could happen if someone from the village sees this boy here?’
‘Zahid, his name is Zahid,’ Shahana says softly, and Ayesha stares at her.
‘You could be put into prison for adultery.’
‘But I have never—’
‘No, but mud will stick, worse than that thrown at a half-widow. Everyone knows there is no mud without rain.’
Shahana nods miserably, trying to push away the image of the three of them sleeping inside the house for warmth. When she is with Zahid she wishes she could forget the rules.
That night she thinks about it. She knows it is cold for Zahid under the house and it will get worse. If she goes to Ayesha’s then Zahid could sleep in the house. Isn’t living at Ayesha’s what she secretly wished for before they were speaking again? But that was before she and Tanveer found Zahid. She drifts into sleep and a voice like Nana-ji’s reminds her that Zahid is only there to keep them safe. Once she goes to live with Ayesha he will leave.
She danced into the forest. It was aflame with autumn leaves, but then right before her eyes they turned into true flames. The flames jumped from tree to tree. The branches were alight – the forest was on fire. Myna birds flew above her. Blue mountain sheep, leopards, hares, wild goats, black panthers and bears thundered through the trees towards the giant fence, but they couldn’t jump over it. There was nothing she could do. The animals roared and wailed and squealed. Rani! She had to save Rani from the fire. She ran back towards the house. Just as she reached the logs she heard a gun fire.
Shahana springs awake. Gunshots always wake her. Was it in the dream or in the forest? It was so loud. How close was it? She can hear banging. It sounds as if it is coming from under the house.
Tanveer wakes then. ‘Shahji?’
She holds him. Rani is bleating.
‘Maybe it’s the militant. Maybe he wants us for fighters. Maybe he wants Rani.’
‘Chup.’ Shahana shushes him. ‘He wouldn’t do that.’ But she isn’t sure.
She wants to go to the door to check, but she must keep Tanveer safe. Then they hear a snarl. A growl. Rani squeals. Shahana has never heard such a sound. Another gunshot. Is it Zahid?
‘Shahji, we have to help Rani.’ Tanveer is crying but he jumps off the charpoy and runs to the door.
‘Tanveer, stop. Let me light the lamp.’
Suddenly all is quiet. Tanveer peeks out the doorway. ‘There’s a chitta, Shahji. It’s running away.’
She sees the leopard streaking through the trees like silver in the moonlight. ‘Get away from the door, Tanveer.’
‘But I can hear Rani crying.’
The bleating comes closer, accompanied by click-clacking up the logs. There is a bang on the door and Tanveer opens it wider. ‘Zahid.’
Shahana goes to him. ‘Are you all right? We didn’t know what was happening.’
He leads Rani inside. She is thrashing her head from side to side and complaining pitifully.
‘Just a chitta.’ He gestures to Rani. ‘She will have to sleep in here. The wall didn’t hold against a chitta. And Rani on a rope is easy food.’
‘I wish I saw the chitta up close,’ Tanveer says.
‘I saw enough for both of us. She was beautiful but very hungry.’
‘You’re not hurt?’ Shahana says, shutting the door against the cold.
‘No, but Rani has a scratch.’
Rani’s scratch is a gash across her thigh. Shahana washes it and applies salt, her stock treatment for wounds. There were times Nana-ji brought Rani inside too. She wonders how he knew when to.
Tanveer finds a plastic bag and ties it around Rani’s rump. ‘This way we can catch her poo.’ He ties Rani to the post holding up the roof.
‘It will be crowded in here,’ Shahana murmurs.
‘But warmer,’ Zahid grins. ‘We can think what else to do tomorrow.’
‘Tomorrow we’ll make a pen for her,’ Shahana says with some satisfaction. She won’t be able to leave the house yet, not until Rani is settled.
Chapter 17
In the morning Tanveer finishes sweeping snow off the logs and runs down to play with Rani. He still looks pale, and his shoulders are hunched in his pheran, but he sounds happy. Shahana helps Zahid nail a spare blanket above the door to keep the cold out, then they build the goat pen in the room.
‘By the door would be best.’ She hasn’t slept well. Rani took a long time to settle, and Shahana is still worrying about Ayesha’s words. If she tells Zahid about Ayesha’s offer he will tell her to go. But will he stay?
‘We need to use hard wood or Rani will eat her way through it, and butt you awake in the night.’ Zahid is making a joke, and Shahana is glad there doesn’t seem to be a barrier between them today. Maybe the leopard attack has made them see what is more important.
Zahid is resting a piece of wood on another, getting ready to nail it with Nana-ji’s hammer, when a man’s voice echoes from outside.
‘Assalamu alaikum.’
They hear Tanveer’s voice in reply. ‘Wa alaikum assalam. Do you want some milk?’
‘Nahin, not today.’
Shahana stands like stone and Zahid carefully lays down the hammer. ‘I have to go out there,’ she whispers. She puts her shawl over her head.
‘Be careful.’ Zahid touches her shoulder.
‘He won’t hurt us,’ she says. ‘Stay here.’
Shahana can hear Tanveer chatting; she steps through the doorway and nods to Amaan.
When he sees her, he says, ‘I was worried. I heard shots from this direction in the night. Are you all right?’
‘Ji hahn, yes, thank you.’
‘Are all of you okay?’
Shahana nod
s. Surely he isn’t going to ask where her other brother is.
‘Tanveer says you had a chitta.’
‘Ji, our brother fired shots in the air and it fled.’
‘And your goat?’ Rani has already nudged against him; he is eyeing her flank.
Shahana gives a flicker of a smile. ‘She is fine. We will bring her inside for the winter now.’
There is a slight pause, then the militant says evenly, ‘How do you have a weapon?’
Shahana clutches her shawl to her chest to still the jumping of her heart. She breathes deeply before she speaks. ‘It is our grandfather’s. He died last winter.’
The militant frowns. ‘I do not like it that you kids are here alone, even if you do have an older brother. Can you not live with someone in the village?’
‘I will think about that, thank you. I have friends in the village.’ Shahana realises what she has said and feels unexpected joy well up. She does have friends; they are not alone.
‘Shukriya,’ she says to him as if he is the one who has brought her friends. She takes a square of embroidery from her pocket. ‘I made this for you, for your sister,’ she says. It is the piece with the silver star sewn with forbidden thread.
He looks at it then says, ‘This is exceptional work. You have great talent.’ He brings out some money and Shahana takes a step backwards.
‘Nay, janab. It is a gift.’
But he says, ‘So is this. Let an honorary brother give you something to ease your circumstances.’ He passes it to Tanveer.
‘Shukriya, Amaan,’ he says.
She feels prickling behind her eyes. When has Tanveer learned to use his name so easily?
Amaan is looking right into her face, his eyes glistening. Then he smiles at Tanveer. When he looks up at her again, the smile is politely erased but she can see it brimming in his eyes.
‘Thank you,’ she whispers. Tanveer hands her the money, but she is thanking Amaan for the smile.
When she returns Zahid is pacing.
‘Did you see him?’ she asks, for the door is ajar.
Zahid nods. ‘A man like that will know—’
Shahana cuts him off. ‘You always say that but you never explain.’
Zahid glances at her, as if deciding, then says, ‘He was one of the militants who saw Veer and me on the mountain.’
‘So? We can’t know what he is thinking just because he is a militant. He is different – he misses his family. That’s why he comes.’
Zahid hesitates, as though he wants to disagree, but doesn’t say any more.
Tanveer rushes up the logs. ‘Shahji, I will take Rani and collect some more wood. Maybe I’ll see the chitta.’
Zahid is still finishing the pen. Shahana says, ‘Don’t be long. You are still getting better.’ She goes to the door. ‘It looks like a snowstorm will come later.’
‘Don’t worry so much, Shahji. I’m not a baby. I’m big enough now to look after you.’
His words silence Shahana. She feels like warning him to be careful, but she stops herself. Does she treat him like a baby just because he is often unwell? She watches him from the doorway, tying the baskets on Rani and clicking his tongue to make her follow him, ‘Tsk, tsk.’ Just like Nana-ji.
She returns inside, sits on the charpoy and opens the bag with the dupatta inside. If she embroiders it will it mean she agrees to be married? Could she send it back undone? No, she needs the money. Maybe she can sew it and take it to him to say she won’t be the one wearing it. Could she be as brave as a leopard? She smiles at the image of herself snarling at Mr Nadir but her amusement soon fades. If she ever had any courage, it has been sucked from her, like juice from an apple.
The gold thread is on a spool, just like the silver. She threads a needle and tries a few stitches. It is not as fine as cotton or silk, but it shines like silver. The silver thread looked like moonlight on snow. This gold is like sunlight shining on flames. Shahana knows the sun is made of fire; her mother told her so. She loves the sun but she won’t see much of it now. Not for the first time, she wonders if they will survive the winter. That makes her think of Ayesha. There is no reason this year not to survive. She just has to decide to stay with Ayesha.
Zahid puts the last length of branch on the pen and disappears outside. He is edgy. Shahana can see that the militants bother him. If she takes Tanveer and goes to Ayesha’s, Zahid can stay in the house. If he leaves or can’t look after Rani, maybe Shahana can take her to Ayesha’s, too, though Rani won’t be able to stay inside at Aunty Rabia’s.
She is halfway around the border of the dupatta when she looks up. The sky is so dark already it is difficult to see her stitches. She can hear Zahid under the house. Is he trying to fix the damage done by the leopard? She goes down to see.
Zahid has made some mud bricks. ‘It’s not the right weather to make these, but maybe they will dry. Then we can stack them on this side.’
Shahana doesn’t think they will hold a leopard. She says so.
‘It’s just to keep warmer,’ Zahid says. ‘The chitta shouldn’t come if Rani is inside with you.’
‘But what about you? Won’t the chitta smell you?’
Zahid stares at her. ‘Chittas are not known for eating boys, only goats.’
Then Shahana says quickly before she changes her mind, ‘I could take Tanveer and stay at Aunty Rabia’s house. She is getting better. Then you will be safer. You can live inside.’
‘That will be good for you,’ Zahid says slowly. ‘Veer . . . ’ and he stops.
She knows what he is thinking. Tanveer will not want to leave him. But she can’t ask Zahid to look after Tanveer. He often needs medicine, and she sometimes wakes in the night to see to him. And where would Zahid get the money to buy rice and tea? And what if he can’t cook? No, she can’t leave Tanveer.
She worries afresh that if she goes, Zahid will live somewhere else, somewhere the militant won’t come. But before he can say anything else they hear voices.
‘Quick, in here!’ Zahid gestures to the other side of the wall he is fixing with branches and mud.
‘But it might be someone I know,’ Shahana says.
‘Just in case.’
They crouch together but Shahana can’t hear what the voices are saying. A small group of men in turbans pass by near the spring. She can’t see if they have guns. None of them look like Amaan.
‘See? Your militant has told them where you live. That you have two brothers.’ Zahid says the words quietly, but they sting like a scorpion strike.
Surely Amaan would not have done that. He could have taken Tanveer anytime, but he hasn’t. The men move away up the mountain.
Shahana stands and moves out from under the house. She checks the sky. It’s darker, and she is right about the snowstorm.
‘Tanveer isn’t back yet.’
‘He’s probably chasing the chitta,’ Zahid says. There is something in his eyes that Shahana can’t read. He is angry with her over the militant again, she can tell, but to worry her about Tanveer unnecessarily? Zahid clearly hasn’t forgiven her and Shahana doesn’t know how to make it better between them.
Then his expression softens. ‘He is no doubt trapping and wants to surprise us.’
‘I’m going to bring him back. He’s still not strong enough after being in the stream.’ She races up the logs to get her shawl, socks and shoes.
Zahid follows her inside. ‘I will come too.’
She isn’t sure he wants to. He sounded so annoyed under the house. Maybe they should just shout at each other like normal brothers and sisters, but they are too careful. Shahana knows Zahid hides the anger he feels, and something else too, yet she knows she needs him. ‘I am sorry about the militant.’
He inclines his head. ‘I am too.’ But Shahana knows there is more to say. The air between them is like a snowdrift, hard to see through.
‘Veer has Rani with him at least,’ he says. ‘She is sensible.’ He brings the Lee Enfield and they trudge together up the mou
ntain. Zahid throws the rifle over his shoulder and turns, watching every direction.
They don’t see Tanveer in any distance from the house that they think he could have travelled.
‘Look!’ Shahana thinks she sees something ahead. ‘Is that Rani? Yes, we’ve found them.’
She hurries forward but when they reach Rani, she is alone, happily nibbling some grass she’s found between patches of snow. ‘Tanveer?’ Shahana calls. Zahid signals to her to be quiet and checks behind the nearby trees. He looks like a soldier and Shahana’s throat constricts. There is too much to think about; she must think only of Tanveer.
‘The little river.’ It comes out as a gasp and they both hurry down to the river’s edge. ‘He likes fishing here but he didn’t take the net.’
Zahid checks all along the bank. ‘We’ve been here before, trapping, but he hasn’t been here today.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘No grass has been walked on. There are no footprints in the mud.’
‘We will have to split up,’ she says. ‘I’ll keep checking the forest in case he has fallen somewhere.’ She gives a shaky laugh. ‘Perhaps he is asleep under a tree.’
‘It is too cold to fall asleep outside. I’ll go down to the Neelum River.’
‘You can take Rani home on the way.’ Then she says, ‘Be careful. The LoC runs along the river.’
‘It is nearby here too.’ He stands so close she thinks he will touch her. ‘I don’t want to leave you alone.’
‘We can’t be in both places at once. Look at the weather. We must find him before the storm.’
He sighs. ‘There is something you have a right to know, but I’ll wait until after we find Tanveer.’
Shahana watches Zahid sliding down the mountain, leading Rani by her rope. He turns once and lifts an arm to her.
Chapter 18
Shahana has an idea. There were militants near the house and now Tanveer is gone. Doesn’t that mean something? It wouldn’t have been Amaan, surely, but maybe he can help. She is not sure where the militants’ camp is, so she keeps climbing. They would be hidden, away from the Line of Control and the army base. Only in her dreams has she been this high up the mountain. She shrugs the thought away as the thunder of a waterfall grows closer. No wonder the little river rushes so fast – it is fed by so much power. What would it feel like to be behind that wall of water, safe from everything? She pulls her shawl around her head as she climbs. The wind is rising, and it’s bitterly cold.
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