‘Good idea.’
They walk slowly down the steps, careful not to slip. A narrow pathway on the bazaar road has been cleared of snow, but it is banked up high on either side of the road. They pass Mr Pervaiz on the way. It feels so long since Shahana has been in the bazaar. She exchanges greetings with Mr Pervaiz. ‘Thank you for bringing me home from the avalanche.’
‘Are you better now?’
‘Ji, thank you. Aunty Rabia is looking after me well.’ Actually, it is mainly Ayesha, but it is polite to mention Aunty Rabia.
Mr Pervaiz tips his head and smiles at them. ‘If there is anything you need help with, don’t hesitate to ask me.’
The girls glance at each other and Ayesha says, ‘Thank you, janab.’ Then she adds, in a voice so casual it sounds like she is talking about the snow, ‘We are just going to see Mr Nadir. If we don’t come out in a short while, can you please come to ask for us?’
Mr Pervaiz looks as if he doesn’t know what to say. He glances at Mr Nadir’s shop then back at the girls. ‘Are you in some kind of trouble?’
‘We hope not,’ Ayesha says, but Shahana can’t keep the tears from her eyes. Mr Pervaiz must have noticed, but he doesn’t remark on it.
‘Zarur, certainly, I will always watch out for you.’ He is looking at Shahana as he says this. She wonders if he has questions about her behaviour – he must know about Zahid. She hopes no one else in the bazaar does.
Mr Nadir is writing in a book on the counter when they enter the shop. Shahana feels as though she is walking into a wild dog’s lair.
‘Assalamu alaikum,’ Shahana says.
Mr Nadir nods his head but doesn’t bother to return the greeting.
‘I have come to say I cannot sew. My hands were injured in the avalanche.’
Mr Nadir purses his lips as he stares at Shahana’s hands. Then he says, ‘I hear you have lost your little brother. That’s rather remiss of you, is it not?’
Ayesha gives a gasp. ‘How can you be so cruel?’
‘Cruel? I’m sure the little boy is being looked after better than he’s ever been.’
Ayesha narrows her eyes at him. ‘You have him, don’t you? That’s how you know he is missing.’
Shahana’s mouth opens in shock. In less than a minute Ayesha has forgotten how circumspect they must be.
Mr Nadir stares at them both, a smile curling around his lips. ‘Actually, I paid a man who brought him to me.’ He turns to Shahana. ‘He didn’t give the money to you? Such a charlatan.’
‘But he can’t be sold. I didn’t give my permission.’
‘Oh yes, you did.’ He pushes over a piece of paper.
On it is a word she doesn’t understand and something about a loan. Shahana sees a signature. ‘This is not my writing.’
‘It gives your name, and mine is here. Look.’
Shahana doesn’t want to look. ‘I didn’t do this.’
‘You must have been hurt quite badly in the avalanche if you don’t remember, my dear. The man said you had explained how difficult it is to look after him now it is winter and you have no money.’
‘But Tanveer is sick and needs medicine. I would never give him up.’
Mr Nadir smiles at her. ‘He is growing into a little man with me, not being turned into a baby by you.’
‘His lungs are weak. He needs to keep warm. If the air is too cold he wheezes.’
‘That’s a little unfortunate in this village, don’t you think?’ Mr Nadir adds, ‘I had to pay a lot – it’s a pity you haven’t seen any of it. Unless you don’t remember that either.’ Ayesha snorts, but Mr Nadir carries on. ‘The boy ties knots so well, and can keep a pattern better than the others. I would need so much more money than I paid to let him go.’ Then he says, ‘I may even have to move him to a better factory so he can show his true talent.’
Shahana clutches hold of the counter and Ayesha puts an arm around her. If Mr Nadir moves Tanveer she’ll never find him.
Ayesha cuts in then. ‘You should do the decent thing and give him back to her.’ She scowls at him.
‘Yes,’ Shahana says. She hates the way her voice sounds wobbly. ‘There’s been a mistake. Those men stole him, and I have no way of buying him back.’
Mr Nadir is silent a moment but he looks pleased. Too pleased. What has she said?
He turns so he is looking just at Shahana. ‘But you do have something you can give to me. Have you forgotten that as well?’
Shahana frowns at him, wondering what he could mean. The house? It is the only thing she owns.
‘When your hands are better, of course.’
‘Sewing?’ How could she do enough embroidery to pay off Tanveer’s bondage?
Mr Nadir speaks as though he hasn’t heard her. ‘Though, it might be difficult to make a bargain now, since your cousin was with you in the avalanche.’ He says ‘cousin’ as if he means ‘lover’.
She stares at him in horror. The proposal. And he knows about Zahid. She gasps as if she has run out of air. ‘But I refused.’
Mr Nadir shrugs. ‘It is your choice I suppose. Truly, your brother is better off with me. My business will grow and there will be many opportunities. With his skill he could be the manager of my shop by the time he is twenty.’
Shahana tries not to show how devastated she is, but her legs betray her and she slumps against the counter. This is not the life she wants for Tanveer – sitting at a loom all day when he is so young. He needs the fresh air, the sun, for his lungs. She wants him to study, though she’s not sure how she will manage that – she will never be able to pay for the exercise books. And there is no school anyway. She feels her air escaping, like a balloon.
It is as if Mr Nadir can read her mind. ‘What benefits can you give him, na? He’ll end up joining the militants. That is probably where people think he is now.’
Shahana can’t answer him but Ayesha does. ‘My mother can look after both Shahana and Tanveer.’ Then she bites her lip as if she has said too much.
Mr Nadir looks at her with interest. ‘Is that so? Well, I might notify the authorities. Shahana will be in an orphanage before she can say “salaam”. I am the one who is looking after Tanveer and providing him with opportunities.’
Then he regards Shahana. His face is almost kind but she feels it is the look of a dog staring at a fowl he will be pleased to eat. ‘You have only one choice really, don’t you?’ he says, his head tilted to one side.
She wants to accuse him of dishonesty. Even if she agrees to be married, how does she know he will keep to his bargain? Will he ever give Tanveer back once he discovers how talented he is, and that she has also taught him how to embroider?
The bell on the door jingles and Mr Pervaiz appears.
‘We must go,’ Ayesha says, her voice tight like a spring. ‘Mr Pervaiz is taking us home.’
Shahana can’t get Mr Nadir out of her head. Once Mr Pervaiz goes back to his shop and they thank him for watching over them, Ayesha speaks her mind. ‘That is the first time I’ve seen Mr Nadir in ages. He is so corrupt – making himself rich because of the conflict. You can’t trust him, Shahana. You mustn’t go back or do anything he asks.’
Shahana thinks how hard it all is. She remembers the movie. At the end, Zooni says it’s easy to choose between right and wrong, but that to choose the greater of two goods or the lesser of two evils are the choices of our life. How many times has she, Shahana, made choices that she wouldn’t have had to make if Irfan or her parents were alive? Taking Zahid home may have been an immoral choice, but she couldn’t leave him to the dogs. Talking to Amaan may have been unwise, but she did it to protect Zahid and Tanveer. Right or wrong, she has broken barriers. And now she is thinking of doing something she doesn’t want to do, something that would give Tanveer a better life. Isn’t that a good thing?
‘Shahana? Did you hear me? Don’t trust him.’
Chapter 24
Shahana can walk so well she decides to go to her house, since it isn’t snowing. She t
ells Ayesha she wants to collect her clothes, Tanveer’s medicine, and also her embroidery, to see if her fingers are able to sew yet. But really she wants to search again for Tanveer. Part of her is hoping that Mr Nadir is lying, that Tanveer was just lost and has gone back to the house. He knows how to start a fire. He can make chai. He could possibly make bread, though it might taste like cardboard boxes. She smiles. Oh Tanveer, when will I see you? She feels the sharp pain that Aunty Rabia and Ayesha must have endured for the past two years.
‘Will you be all right?’ Ayesha asks. ‘I have to stay with Ummie this morning, but if you wait until after lunch I can come with you.’
Shahana shakes her head. ‘I will be fine. Always I have walked on the mountain by myself, or with Tanveer—’
Ayesha puts an arm around her shoulders. She doesn’t say any soothing words and Shahana is glad. Nice words are not going to bring Tanveer back, and having Tanveer back is all Shahana wants.
She makes her way out through the village and across the bridge. Someone has cleared a pathway through the snow and swept the planks on the bridge. Shahana can’t walk as quickly as she used to and by the time she reaches the house, her legs are aching. She stops at the bottom of the logs. Someone has swept the snow away there, too. Tanveer. It must be him. It was always his job.
She hurries as best she can to the door, opens it and looks inside. ‘Tanveer?’
But he isn’t there. Nothing has been touched or moved since she went out that day looking for him. The reed flute is lying on the charpoy where Zahid left it. So is the dupatta she was embroidering. She picks up the carving of the camel. Tears spring to her eyes as she berates herself for having foolish hopes. She finds her backpack and puts in all the things she thinks they will need, plus the flute, Tanveer’s camel and her own heart-shaped papier-mâché box. Finally, she picks up the dupatta and gold thread, thinks for a moment, then stuffs them into the bag too.
‘Assalamu alaikum, sister.’ The voice is outside.
She wipes her eyes and pulls her shawl over the bottom half of her face as she goes out the door. She hesitates on the logs, looking down at Amaan. He stands as he always does, his Kalashnikov slung over his shoulder, the tail of his turban hanging down his back.
‘Wa alaikum assalam.’ Her voice sounds flat but there is nothing she can do about it.
‘You are living here again?’
‘Nay, janab.’
‘I was returning up the mountain; I looked back and saw you walking to your door.’
Shahana stares at him. ‘You were here? You swept the snow away?’
He tips his head, as though it is not a big thing to make a fuss over. There is so much she needs to thank him for, but she doesn’t know where to begin.
‘I am just keeping an eye on your house until you return.’
‘That is very kind,’ Shahana says.
‘Have you found your little brother yet?’
The tears well up again and Shahana cannot stop them; they dribble down her face. She doesn’t want Amaan to see them but he takes a step up the logs. His look is caring, like her brother Irfan’s was if ever she fell. ‘You have no idea where he is?’
Shahana tries to blink away the tears. ‘Ji nahin.’ But those are just words. Her mind shows her all sorts of places where he could be: at the bottom of the Neelum River, under a snowdrift or under the ice. In Mr Nadir’s poky dark room.
She takes a deep breath. ‘Actually, there is a man in the village who may have him. He has a weaving loom and boys in debt bondage work it for him. He said a man sold Tanveer to him, but I don’t know if he is telling the truth.’
Amaan takes another step towards her. ‘This is serious, sister.’
‘Ji. And I don’t know what to do.’
He glances away, frowning.
‘There is something he wants,’ she ventures.
‘And what is that?’
‘He has a marriage proposal for me, from a friend of his. If I accept I think he will release Tanveer.’
Amaan is only halfway up the logs but she can hear his breathing. ‘You must not accept this proposal. Men like that are foxes.’
‘My friend Ayesha’s mother will look after Tanveer,’ Shahana continues, as if she hasn’t heard Amaan’s words.
His hand flashes out and almost touches her. The shawl falls from her face and he steps back, as if remembering she isn’t his true sister. ‘He will sell you to the highest bidder. You’ll end up some old goat’s third wife, or worse. You’ll be a slave only.’ His words are harsh but she knows it is because he cares.
She glances at him. ‘What can I do?’
‘The police?’
‘They are in Athmuqam. It’s a long way from here and I think they will listen to Mr Nadir before they will listen to me.’
‘The mosque? Isn’t there someone who will help you?’
Shahana thinks of the little village mosque with its rusty roof and dome of brass, and Mr Pervaiz going to prayer every Friday. ‘Maybe there is a man.’
‘The one who took you home the other night?’
She gives a nod. ‘But if Mr Nadir thinks I am planning against him he might move Tanveer. I can’t risk that. I will never find him.’
‘You must not do anything until you know for sure.’
She smiles faintly at the brotherly concern. She misses Irfan telling her what to do.
‘I want to thank you,’ Shahana says in the silence, ‘for saving us the other night. Zahid is just like a brother but he isn’t and I let you think he was – I just wanted to protect them both—’
Amaan cuts into her sentence. ‘You are children only. In times of conflict we survive the best we can. That is all you were doing – trying to survive.’
Shahana looks up. ‘They haven’t told me if Zahid is well.’
‘That is because they are checking who he is.’
‘But they will realise he crossed over.’
‘I imagine they know that already.’ He sounds as if it is a joke but nothing is funny.
‘Then I must go there. Tell them—’
‘No.’
She frowns at him.
He softens his voice. ‘I already have.’
‘Why would you do that?’ What a risk to take, to walk into a cave where a leopard has cubs.
‘At the avalanche, they heard what Abdul said about him being with us, so I went to explain.’
‘What did you say?’
‘The same as I said that night – I didn’t recognise him.’
Would they believe him? There is no love between the army and the militants.
‘Thank you.’
He looks at her in surprise. ‘I promised.’
‘Ji, and I am grateful you remembered.’
‘How could I not?’ He blows out a breath. Shahana has never seen him look unsure before.
He glances at her. ‘Zahid reminds me of myself. I want to leave, do something that brings life. Zahid felt the same, I believe. I suspected he’d try to escape. Fortunately, he did so when I was on watch. I let him go. Just fired over his head.’
‘Like you did with me?’
‘I have a name in the camp for being a poor shot.’ It is a joke, but his eyes do not glisten. ‘They may think I am too involved with the local people – that I am becoming soft.’
Shahana wonders if he is in trouble because of her.
‘I followed his tracks the next day to check he got across the LoC. It is difficult now, with the razor wire and mines. He didn’t have the stamina expected in a jawan.’
It is the way he is looking at her, as if he is trying to tell her something important, and she thinks of that morning – the net, the wild dogs. ‘You,’ she whispers. ‘You shot the dog?’
He bows his head slightly and lays his hand over his heart.
She stares at him, trying not to think how Amaan reminds her of her father at that moment, and how she wishes he were still here.
‘Can you come with me to Mr Nadir?’ There,
she has said it, but she doesn’t realise what she has asked. She can only think of Tanveer in a dark room, tying knots all day and not being able to breathe.
‘It is difficult,’ he says. ‘The people will tolerate us in the mountains out of sight, but they will not like to see me in the village. Do you understand this?’
She thinks of the day Irfan and her mother died. A different group of militants were in the village that day. She has hated militants ever since, but she doesn’t hate Amaan. She wants to tell him this, but isn’t sure how.
‘I can understand why the people hate us,’ he says. It is as if her thoughts are plain to see on her face. ‘But they might want revenge and more people will get hurt. I understand revenge. It is what my family lives by. Revenge makes you strong and keeps the peace.’
Shahana used to want revenge against the militants too, but just by caring for her and Zahid and Tanveer, Amaan has taught her to let it go. The thought makes her smile. She doubts he would want to hear what she is thinking.
‘So you are happy now, little sister?’
How disconcerting he is. His voice has a laugh in it, even though he is not smiling. Is she wrong to trust him? She is tired of second-guessing, wondering who is trustworthy. Before her parents died she never had to think about such things.
Instead, she asks about Zahid. ‘When you went to the army base, was Zahid well?’
He hesitates only slightly but Shahana notices. ‘I didn’t see him but he is alive. They said he will soon be able to leave.’
This is good news. Shahana wants to see Zahid for herself. ‘How will I get news to you if I need to?’
‘Leave a message here, under your house. I will come sometimes.’ He steps backwards. ‘Khuda hafiz.’
She wants to say healing words before he leaves. She may not see him again. ‘Amaan-ji.’ It is the first time she has used his name and it makes him pause. He turns to look at her. ‘You have taught me something. You have helped me to forgive.’
He lowers his gaze and gives a small smile, but it is not for her. When he lifts his head he says, ‘Then I am a poor jihadi indeed, little sister.’
Shahana Page 11