by Fiona Murphy
I try hard to pull out of it, and Ivan does what he can, having Elise, Lydia, and Anna visit me individually, then one evening all three. As badly as I want to, though, I can’t seem to let go. The pain, the guilt, it’s all too much to face so I smile and I laugh, and when they leave I float back into the haze again.
It’s the breast pain that shakes me out of it. I would swear someone is taking a wrench to a nipple and twisting as if they were trying to get me to confess. Sonofabitch. The last few weeks I’ve been in pain, but a dull, hazy pain, not this sharp, angry one. Without thinking I press a hand to my breast to try and stop it.
Holy crap, I’m pregnant. I am up an entire cup size. How the hell can it happen so fast? It could only be a few weeks, right? Then I remember, I had been in Ivan’s office sharing my disappointment I started my period. Trying to put it down to going without sex, not that I was sad I wasn’t yet pregnant. Especially when I had been wondering if I might be. I hadn’t felt the normal symptoms of my period, but there were small spots of blood that caught me completely off guard. So I put in a tampon then went to tell Ivan, I wasn’t pregnant. Then the phone rang and my world felt like it imploded.
But...that night, when I was getting ready for bed, I went to change the tampon. Only to see there was no blood—well, a few drops, but nothing like what I thought it was. I put another tampon in, not wanting to be caught without one in the middle of the night. Then again the next morning, nothing. I took out the tampon and didn’t replace it, just went with a panty liner. I never needed one again.
Thank god, Ivan walks into the bathroom while I’m trying to not freak out. “What’s the matter?”
I’m in his arms immediately. “I think I’m pregnant,” I mumble. A tiny part of me is worried.
His smile is pure joy, it’s the sun after weeks of rain and cold. “I know.”
What? “How could you know before me?”
“Because, my love, it’s been obvious for weeks. I talked to Elise and she thinks you are anywhere from eight to ten weeks along.” The hand covering my stomach is gentle. “I’ve been wanting to get you in to see a doctor, but you didn’t seem ready yet.”
The worry he can’t hide shocks me, drags me into the stark, harsh reality of what my need to hide has done. To him, to me, to our baby. I cover his hand with mine. “I am so sorry. You didn’t deserve any of this. I don’t deserve how amazing you have been—”
“Christina, it’s okay—”
“No, Ivan, it isn’t okay. I was hiding from the guilt and the pain of losing Abuelo, and it’s bullshit the way I let you pick up the pieces and take care of me when you needed me just as much. Our baby needed me, and I’m sorry—”
His mouth is on mine and oh god, he’s sweet, strong, taking me over. I give him everything he demands.
I’m in his arms on our bed, and I can’t stop touching him. We’ve made love, gentle, quiet, sweet love, but it was a part of the haze too, almost a dream. Now it’s so very real again.
“There are no rules for grief, love, no playbook to go by. What you needed is what you needed. Do not apologize. I needed to take care of you and I did. Our baby is just fine. You’ve been on all the prenatal things you needed to be on for months. I’ve been in contact with the best OB/GYN in the city and she can fit us in for an early morning appointment as soon as you’re ready.”
“For months? How have I been on...you planned all of this?” I realize in wonder, as I see the smug look on his face.
“Of course I did. You were trying my patience. I had asked you to be my woman, you had my ring on your finger, yet you were just using me for my body. I was determined to put my baby inside you to tie us together until the day we died.”
“Ivan, you beautiful, brilliant idiot. I have loved you from the moment I met you. If you had ever told me that you loved me, I would have gladly let you know I was never going anywhere until the day we died.”
He caresses my cheek, all the love he feels glowing in his eyes. “Love, I’ve been showing you since the day I put my cock inside your gorgeous body and knew I was never going to let you go.”
I see it so clearly now, the truth of his words. “Sometimes the words work too.”
“I’ll remember in the future, in our next fifty years together.”
“Just fifty? I think we can do better than that.”
“You always have to have the last word, my love.”
“Hm, when the last word is love, I’ll let you have it.”
“Love,” he whispers, his lips against mine.
Christmas Eve
Christina
When the doorbell rings, I don’t even bother looking up from the present I’m wrapping. The condo is filled with people to answer the door. I’m sure it’s probably just another person coming to deliver something. After the second time Stephanie, the wedding planner and I got snippy with each other, I left her to put the room together herself. If there’s anything I want to change, I’ll do it tomorrow before the ceremony.
There’s a light tapping on our bedroom door. “Christina, it’s Gemma. Ivan wants to see you in his office.”
“Okay, let him know I’ll be right there.” I finish tying the ribbon for Ivan’s last present with satisfaction. I’m glad Gemma didn’t open the door, I haven’t finished wrapping her present yet. I round up her unwrapped present and Ivan’s and take them into our walk-in closet. It takes a few minutes to hide everything.
Opening the door, I find Gemma waiting with her eyes wide. “What?”
She shakes her head, “I thought you said you guys weren’t doing a prenup?”
I go still. “We aren’t.” At least when I offered to sign one a few weeks ago, Ivan declined. Did he change his mind? “Why?”
“The guy who came is Ivan’s lawyer. Sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. Do you want me and Aari to clear out for the day?” Gemma and Aari have been spending the last week with us in order to be here for our wedding day tomorrow. The day after Christmas, Ivan and I are off to our honeymoon for a month. Gemma and Aari will leave on the plane with us and we’ll drop them in Manchester before continuing on to Sicily. I’ve enjoyed having them here, Gemma is sweet and Aari is clearly in love with her. Even if he does seem to be doing a lot of work while he’s here.
“No, don’t worry about it.” I assure her as I go into Ivan’s office.
An older gentleman with a serious expression and graying hair nods at me. “Christina, this is William Blake. He’s got some paperwork I want you to sign.”
Ivan is behind me and closes the door as he crosses to me. “William, my fiancée, Christina Connolly.”
Tense, I look down at the thin document. It’s maybe twenty pages. “What do you want me to sign? I thought you said you were okay not doing a prenup?”
His arms slide around my thickening waist, pulling me against him. “I don’t want you to sign a prenup. This is ownership paperwork. Once you sign, you’ll own thirty percent of Volkov Holdings.”
I forget the guy. I’m stunned, unable to take it in for a moment. “Are you serious? I don’t understand.”
Taking my face between his hands, he smiles down at me. Those bees are let loose again. Who knew Ivan, happy, content, and smiling had the same effect? “For the last three years, you have brought in thirty percent of earnings. As much as I don’t want you worried about working and finding acquisitions, you still continue to do so. You pitched a fit about me trying to raise your salary since you just want to remain at my side as a PA. Fine, you’ll own a part of what you’re helping me make.”
My thoughts are jumbled, I can’t find the words. Why the hell am I crying?
Ivan’s head comes down against mine. “My love, when you cry it causes severe havoc inside me. I’m also sure it’s not good for our daughter.”
I smile against all odds. We’ve been play fighting on whether we’re having a boy or a girl. I’m positive it’s a boy Ivan is hoping for a girl. “You know I don’t care about the money. Your company..
. it’s you and it’s...”
“Exactly, it’s been me for so long. You own so much more than just a part of me, love. You own my whole soul. This is a part of that. I want it on paper the same way I want your name and mine on a marriage certificate. For everyone to know.”
Nodding, I smile through my tears.
It’s not easy to understand the lawyer, I have to ask a few questions but in the end I sign because it will make Ivan happy and that’s all I want. To make him as happy as he makes me.
***
Ivan
Looking around the room, I am at last content. It took several hours to turn Christina’s large studio into what it is now. The place where our wedding ceremony is due to start in the next five minutes. I’m relieved Christina was content with a small ceremony. Our guests consist only Anna, Gemma, Aari, Elise, Dmitri, Lydia, Decker, Connor, Lindsey, Tim, and all the children that went with them here today. Considering it was Christmas Day, the children were better behaved than I was concerned they would be.
Christina had at first been resistant to marrying today, preferring New Year’s Eve. She gave in when I told her she was the gift I had been waiting for all my life, and all I wanted was to make her my wife on Christmas. Through her happy tears, she agreed.
The way I see it, having the kids here is a benefit in that it means everyone will leave sooner. With the ceremony starting at noon, followed by a lunch, I’m hoping everyone will be gone before the evening.
When I told Christina of my hope, she wondered why bother at all. She was content with a ceremony at the courthouse. I was not. I want her to have this day. The dress, the cake, the flowers, and her friends at her side. This will be the only wedding day she will have. I do not want her to have any regrets. I want her to be able to look back on this day with pride and joy.
The music starts, thank fuck. When Christina appears in the doorway, she is so beautiful my whole body aches. She isn’t wearing the dress I had shown her that I liked, but it’s close. The other dress had been a little fussy, with long heavy satin and lace applique along the large skirt. Her wedding dress is all over lace, with a long skirt in lace and tulle. With the tiara I bought her, she looks like the queen she is.
I catch her hands tight in mine. Her smile is so full of love I am dizzy at the sight. Mine, my woman, my baby, my whole life. The words are short, I blink and I’m kissing her. Sealing the vows we make without hesitation, with our whole heart. Today, and every day until I breathe my last breath.
Six Months Later
Christina
I can’t believe I’m nervous. God, you’d think I was some virgin on her wedding night. I cringe as Ivan comes out of the bathroom gorgeously naked. I hit the switch, turning off the lights before he makes it to our bed. Only seconds later the lights are back on.
Ivan studies me in the soft light. “Christina, what’s the matter?”
I’m an idiot, that’s the matter. I sigh, “Can you please turn off the lights? This is... I really want to do this. I’ve missed you but... everything is so different and my body has changed and I—”
The covers are ripped from my hands. I hate him for the way an eyebrow lifts at the sight of the long cotton night gown I’m wearing. Why am I annoyed with him that his cock is still limp at the sight? It’s exactly what I feared. It’s been a long two months since I had our twins, Santino and Victor. And an even longer five months since we made love. I was on bed rest for several months and then the twins were born via caesarean. It took longer than I thought it would to heal from the incision.
“You do want to make love tonight?” The question is soft, almost a whisper.
I nod. Too embarrassed at just how much I want him while worried he’ll take one look at my body and turn away in disgust.
A strong hand runs down along my neck, then to the edge of the nightgown. I blink and he’s ripping it down my body, baring me to him. His eyes run over me slowly until tension is screaming in my body. Then he smiles, it’s lethal and pure sin. And holy crap, he is very hard now.
“Yes, your body has changed.” He runs a fingertip over a nipple leaking with breast milk. “You have carried our sons, kept them safe, your body gave me two beautiful healthy boys.” His fingers keep moving down my body, stopping at the incision.
“When your doctor told us, the safest way to deliver our children was to cut them from you.” He shakes his head. “I have known no greater fear in my life than the idea something might go wrong. That I might lose you. For a moment I resented our sons. I am sorry. It was only for a moment. You are here, safe, and here with me. And you are so fucking beautiful you make me ache the same as you did the first day I laid eyes on you.”
“Over this last almost year, you have given up your body for our children. Now it’s time to give your body up to pleasure you are due, owed, yours and mine.”
I pull him down to me, reveling in the sensation of his body against me after so many months without it. “I love you. I’m sorry. I don’t why I keep saying that. I should never have doubted you, for even a moment. You are the most amazing father and husband I have ever known. I’m not sure why I let my mind get in the way of this, us.”
He truly has been, even more than I thought possible. The moment we found out I was having twins, not until our five month appointment when the 3D ultrasound showed the second baby, Ivan went into hyper paranoid mode. I’d already been relegated to less than twenty hours a week, with no more time in the air. I was fired. After three sweaty hours I got my job back but I worked from home. When I broke down with how much I hated working from home all by myself, Ivan started working from home too.
Since the babies have been born, he has blown me away with how involved he was. He pled for us to add formula as a way of feeding our sons so that he could take his turn. I didn’t hesitate to say yes, overwhelmed at feeding two babies at once. Ivan was up in the middle of the night, often before me or the nanny could get to the nursery. He is sexy as hell when he is wearing one of our sons in the baby sling he wears while he is working. Firmly telling me it was important for our children to feel secure.
I’m not really surprised about his admission of resenting our sons that moment in the delivery room. He had hinted he hated all the fear a multiple pregnancy involved. A few weeks before our due date, he pressed me to make this our only pregnancy. I wasn’t willing to, I admitted I wanted at least one more, but really I wanted two. Ivan lost all color and went quiet for three days. Finally, he gave in and told me the number of children we would have would be my decision. He would work through his fears on his own.
In that moment, I knew, I would only try getting pregnant once more. I wasn’t willing to put him through more than I thought we both could bear.
My orgasm is sweet and leaves me shaking in Ivan’s arms. I run a hand through his hair. There is more silver in it than the first day I met him. And if anything it only makes him more beautiful.
“Ivan...”
“Hm.” He is content, his hands running through my hair.
“That was beautiful as always. But I was wondering...”
I leave the words hanging for a moment. Ivan looks down at me. “Wondering what?”
“Wondering where my animal went that I made of you. It’s been a very long time since you...” Oh god, the pain explodes as Ivan smacks my pussy and thank fucking god I don’t have to ask twice.
A big hand tightens around my neck. “This animal, sweetheart, the one you only have to nudge before he awakens. What a dirty girl you are. My cock is still covered in your come and you want more. I’ll give you more, first you suck my cock clean like a good girl and you’ll get the reward you earn.”
God, I love this man.
Ten Years Later
Christina
“Are you sure about this?”
“I wouldn’t have had the paperwork drawn up if I wasn’t.” Ivan nods.
“It’s just fifty percent...” I’ll own fifty percent of Volkov Holdings. Not a bad anniver
sary present. I would have rather had him all day in bed alone like he promised. We’ve done the previously thought impossible, unloaded our three beautiful children on Gemma for the week. We’ll get payback when we get her two next month. Over the years, we have settled for three day weekends several times a year and even a handful of five days once Kayla turned two almost five years ago. But this anniversary we have the house all to ourselves for seven whole days.
I was promised one day all alone in bed but this is our second day and still no all day in bed. Yesterday we went shopping for and bought a new home, a long overdue purchase of a big sprawling home in the suburbs where the children could roam freely right by their schools. Today the lawyer interrupted sex in the kitchen after breakfast.
The lawyer looks at me with concern. “Is there a problem, Mrs. Volkov?”
Ivan bends over me and whispers. “Sign the damn thing and I’ll keep in bed for forty-eight hours straight with my cock buried inside you until you are sore, Mrs. Volkov.”
I sign and push the paperwork over to the lawyer. “Thanks for coming, have a good day.”
Ivan picks me up and tosses me over his shoulder and nods at the lawyer. “You know the way out.”
Landing on the bed, I whip my shirt off. And watch as Ivan slowly undresses. It hasn’t happened yet. Ten years and counting and the sight of him still makes me weak in the knees. My blood still gets hot and sticky when he looks at me like he is now. “I love you. Thank you.”
Ivan goes still, then walks slowly toward me. “For what?”
“For everything. Loving me, the company, our children, the life we’ve made together. Thank you, for all of it.”
“Love.” One word, it’s all he says as his lips meet mine.
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