“Do you ever wear this stuff—the regalia—to festivals or anything?” Victor asked, his voice reverent.
Niles hadn’t worn any type of traditional dress since that high school graduation. At his college graduation, he’d worn the same stole, but that was it.
“I haven’t since I was younger. I love attending festivals and powwows, but normally don’t wear any regalia.”
Niles brushed his hand over a canvas apron that was folded neatly under the moccasins. If he unfolded the apron, he would be able to see the intricate embroidery on its front. His hands shook a little as he straightened the fold and pulled back.
“You should wear some of this to work. Wouldn’t it be as historically accurate as the homestead stuff? Especially for this part of Oklahoma.”
“Oh … well, yes and no. Prior to the forced relocations, Great Plains tribes roamed through this area. After the Trail of Tears, this was the Cherokee Nation reservation before statehood dissolved the tribal governments, and despite the U.S. government’s best efforts, this part of the state has thankfully always retained its tribal roots. It’s now the Cherokee Nation jurisdictional service area.” Niles smiled. He sounded like he was repeating one of his scripts from work. “But it wouldn’t be right to wear my dad’s regalia on any old work day.” In fact, the thought made Niles feel exposed and vulnerable.
“Why? You normally wear a fucked-up cowboy costume. This seems so much cooler.”
“Yeah, but that’s the thing. I wear a costume to work.” Niles fiddled with the fringe on his jean shorts. “Regalia isn’t a costume. It has meaning. My dad always said that wearing regalia is spiritual. It’s a material manifestation of our heritage. You know, on my paternal grandmother’s side of the family, we can trace our Southern Cheyenne heritage all the way back to before the Cheyenne and Arapaho nations were forced on a reservation together, and my dad’s dad—my grandfather—has relatives from both the Cheyenne and Arapaho tribes. So my dad’s regalia tells a story of our Cheyenne-Arapaho heritage. It tells a story of his life, of resisting being beaten down by historical trauma. And I don’t want to trivialize that.”
Niles’s voice wavered, and Victor scooted away from the open box and wrapped him into a hug. With his face buried in Victor’s shoulder, it was much easier to talk.
“You know the Cricket Plague Days festival coming up?” Niles said. “My dad loves that festival. It basically celebrates Bison Hills’ identity and history, which is quintessentially Native American. Mom and Dad treated Cricket Plague Days like one big reunion. The year after Mom died, Dad introduced me to some old buddy of his from the All-Indian Fastpitch Tournament who was there selling honey, and he gushed about the LGBTQIA groups I’d been involved with in college and the programs I was organizing at Bushyhead Homestead. It made me proud, you know? Proud that I’m gay and Cheyenne and Arapaho. And I remember wishing that Mom had been there to see it. To see me be proud of myself. Then last year, I still had people coming up to me and giving their condolences about my mom. It’s been years, Vic! Years since she died. And now, Dad won’t be there either. This year everyone will be asking where he is or how he’s doing, and I’m going to have to tell so many people that he’s dying.”
A sob burst from Niles’s throat and the sudden tears spilling from his eyes surprised him so much he couldn’t stop them.
“I’ve got you,” Victor said into Niles’s hair. “It’s okay.”
“Oh God. I’m going to have to say it over and over again.”
“I know, honey. I’m so sorry.”
Niles cried into Victor’s shoulder for a good ten minutes. Once the shudders finally slowed down, Victor untangled himself and went to fetch Niles some tissues. When Niles was alone, he pulled the beaded belt from the box and held it between his hands. It was so delicate and vibrant. He wished he could show it to Rusty, but pushed that hope down until it was hidden from sight.
He and Rusty were such a sad imitation of what they’d been before. Showing Rusty anything that was near and dear to him was too risky at this point. He would not reveal himself any more than he’d done already.
The memory of crying out “Love you” when Rusty was fucking him bubbled to the surface, and another sob threatened to burst forth.
Why wasn’t he fearless, like Victor? Or beautiful and perfect, like Todd?
Or steady and self-assured, like Rusty?
Niles’s parents would have been disappointed in this version of him. If his dad were able to talk, able to understand, he would have been appalled at Niles for letting his insecurities rule his life. His father would have told him he was strong and unique and deserving of respect. Especially from himself. And if his mother were alive, she would have told him he shouldn’t live his life in the shadows. That he was loved and important and deserved the light.
“Okay, darling, here’s a tissue,” Victor said as he skipped back into the room and thrust a wad of Kleenex into Niles’s lap.
“Thanks.” Niles blew his nose, and then closed his eyes. “I’m so glad you’re here. I feel like everything is falling apart.”
“I love being here, staying with you. It feels like college.”
Niles smiled a little. College had been wonderful, despite him and Victor being such an odd pair. He couldn’t help remembering all of Victor’s other friends who hadn’t understood why Victor had wanted to live with him or how Niles had been able to hold Victor’s attention for more than a minute at a time. They’d thought Niles was a charity case.
“I love having you here, even if it’s only for a couple of days,” he said.
“We should hang out with Sexy Pants and Rusty again,” Victor said slyly.
“I think you have a crush.”
“Hell yeah, I have a crush. I’d suck that pretty boy’s dick in a hot minute.”
“You were so mean to him.”
“He deserves it.” Victor smiled sharply. “He shouldn’t have kissed Rusty in front of you like a fuckboy.” He plopped his head back onto Niles’s shoulder. “When did you tell Rusty you love him?” he asked innocently.
“Ugh. Last weekend. During sex. I’m the lamest.”
Victor laughed a little. “I can’t believe you were having sex in the first place.”
Niles was still surprised by that too. Just thinking about it made him sad and uncomfortable. And horny. “How did you know about that? Did Rusty tell you?”
“Accidentally.” Victor shrugged, and Niles blew his nose again.
“I’m choosing to ignore that any of it happened.” Which was almost the truth, except at night, when he jerked off to the memory and then wallowed in humiliation until sleep took him.
“Rusty is totally crazy over you,” Victor said. “He might not come to his senses, which is why you are way better off without him, but he’s crazy about you. I hope you know that.”
Niles almost strained his eyes from rolling them so hard. Victor was only trying to make him feel better.
“Last weekend, after we fucked, he told me he was moving and wasn’t interested in anything but this weird, almost-friendship. At the time, I was pathetically relieved to have that, but maybe it’s not healthy for me to hang out with him anymore.”
“Why?”
“It hurts too much. It was fun at O’Donnell Ducks, but maybe a clean break would have been better? I need to get my head wrapped around the fact that we’re not together and never will be, you know? That’s hard to do when we’re still texting and spending time together. It’s like he’s unwittingly leading me on, giving me hope. I know he doesn’t mean to, I know it’s just my own head playing tricks on me, but …”
“It hurts,” Victor finished for him.
“Yeah.”
Niles’s cell phone buzzed in his back pocket, and they both jumped. He pulled it out and saw the number from Honeydew Estates.
“Hello?”
“Good afternoon, can I speak with Mr. Niles Longfellow?”
“This is he.”
“
Hi, Niles. It’s Dr. Whiterock.”
Dr. Whiterock was one of three visiting doctors who periodically saw his father at Honeydew Estates. She was a tall, reserved woman, and Niles liked her because she treated everything going on with his father as a fact of life. She didn’t baby Niles or sugarcoat things.
“Is something wrong?”
“As you know, your father had a chest X-ray yesterday, and it seems as if he has developed viral pneumonia. Most likely this is a result of the upper respiratory virus he already had. This is not exactly good news, but I want you to know that this is not as bad as it could be. We’ve caught it early, and for the moment I believe he can get the treatment he needs at Honeydew Estates. If it worsens, we might recommend for him to be transferred to the hospital. Any questions so far?”
“What treatment are you giving him? He’s already on intravenous antibiotics for the wound on his leg.”
“Yes, and unfortunately, antibiotics won’t help with viral pneumonia. We’ve given him medicine for pain and fever, which should help him sleep, as well as antiviral medicine to decrease the spread of the virus. I’d also like to talk to you about the possibility of oxygen supplementation, if he starts having trouble breathing.”
“Okay,” Niles said weakly.
His head was spinning by the time he got off the phone. He leaned against the wall behind him, and Victor grabbed his hand.
“It’s going to be all right,” Victor whispered.
“I need to go see him. Want to come?”
Maybe he had made a mistake by not allowing visitors, by not inviting people. Maybe different people, different stimulation would have helped his father heal. Or maybe it would have just helped Niles.
“I’d love to come.”
“He’s a lot different than the last time you saw him,” Niles warned. His dad had loved visiting them in college. He’d drive hours to take Niles and Victor to lunch on his days off. Once Victor had taught his dad the basic steps to the samba on the front porch of a Cracker Barrel.
“It will be nice to see him, though. And it will be nice to be there for you.”
Niles nodded and leaned forward to pull the beaded belt his grandmother had made out of the wardrobe box. He wanted to bring it with him. While his dad probably wouldn’t know what he was seeing or recognize it for what it was, he still deserved to be surrounded by the things that had made him proud.
Niles tried not to watch Victor’s reaction when he saw his dad for the first time, but it was hard to ignore his gasp.
“I warned you,” he said quietly.
“I know.”
“Hi, Dad,” Niles said. His dad was propped up in his bed, and the TV in the room was on the Turner Classic Movies channel, but, of course, he didn’t appear to be watching it. “I brought someone to see you. Here’s Victor.”
Victor stepped forward and took Niles’s father’s hand. “Hi, Rodney,” he said softly, but Niles’s dad didn’t react. Niles sighed and pulled two chairs up to the side of the bed.
For the next hour, Victor told Niles’s dad about working for the cruise line. He even included some of his slightly R-rated experiences, which made Niles smile. Victor was talking to his dad just like he normally would, which included enough shock and awe to make a Sunday School teacher faint.
Dad didn’t seem sicker than before the pneumonia diagnosis. The only difference was the occasional rattling cough, but those were few and far between. Still, they wracked his frail body, and Niles wished he could take that pain away. A nurse bustled in to administer Dad’s medicine, and she warned them that the meds would put him to sleep.
As their visit wound down, Victor started telling Dad about Niles selling the piano to Rusty. “He’s selling it to his ex, who, between you and me, is sexy but stupid. This dumbass is throwing away his relationship with Niles for some town that has a Walmart in the city limits. What a sellout, right?”
“He’s moving to be close to his sister and niece,” Niles interrupted, but Victor simply talked over him.
“Anyway, Rusty hired piano movers for tomorrow to haul the piano up his stairs. He’s probably paying as much for the movers as he is for the piano, and it’s all because he wants a little piece of Niles with him forever. It’s kind of romantic if you think about it.”
“Okay, that’s enough,” Niles said, his voice tight with embarrassment. Victor grinned at him. He was such a troublemaker. Niles could have listened to Victor talk to Dad for hours, even if it was about his failed love life, but it was time to head home.
Before he said goodbye, Niles pulled the beaded belt out of his bag. The black beads glinted in the bright light, and he dragged his finger down the thin line of white beads in the middle. “Look what I brought, Dad. I thought you might like to see it.” He placed it under his dad’s fingers.
Niles didn’t know what he’d been expecting. Maybe a moment of recognition? But that didn’t happen, of course. And that was okay.
“Love you, old man. I’ll see you soon.” He slipped the beaded belt from Dad’s lap, and at the last second, his dad’s fingers twitched.
And that little action, probably only an instinctual or subconscious response, would be enough to get Niles through the day. It would be enough.
Jackie and Margo lounged in Rusty’s living room while a show about kids who turned into animal superheroes blared from the TV—Margo was obsessed with it. Jackie was filling out the forms for Margo to start attending school in Sapulpa because she was going up there next week to finish up the official paperwork for the salon with Chrissy. They planned to spend a few weeks doing minor renovations, and then they would open for business. Jackie planned to commute out there three days a week until she had an apartment ready and Margo was all enrolled in school, which meant Rusty had some long babysitting days in the near future to look forward to.
Rusty had been keeping an eye on job postings at the school districts in the Sapulpa area, but there were no jobs to be found—not uncommon for the middle of the school year. He’d probably have no luck until the summer.
He plopped down next to Jackie on the couch, and Margo left her square of carpet in front of the TV to squeeze in between them. He couldn’t hold back his smile.
“I bought a piano,” he whispered over Margo’s head so as not to disturb her.
“Why? You already have a digital one,” Jackie replied without glancing up, obviously distracted by the form she was filling out.
“It was Niles’s mom’s.”
Jackie dropped the pen and stared at him. “You’re buying your ex-boyfriend’s late mother’s piano? That’s a little messed up, don’t you think?”
“Yeah. It is,” he said. “I hired movers for today. I have to meet them at Niles’s house in an hour and a half.”
He directed his attention back to the show on the television. One of the little characters turned into an owl superhero. It was kind of awesome.
“Rusty,” Jackie said quietly. He clenched his jaw and tried to ignore the quiet pleading in her voice. “Hey, look at me.” He finally turned his head. “Is this really what you want? To move to Sapulpa?”
Margo slid off the couch, and started swaying to the beat of the music in the show.
“It’s already a done deal, Jackie.”
“For me and for Margo. Not for you, though. You haven’t quit your job yet or signed a lease in Sapulpa. You haven’t put in notice to leave this apartment, either.”
Rusty rolled his eyes at his relentlessly precise little sister. She huffed and lightly slapped his knee.
“You like it here,” she said, and he nodded. Of course he liked it here. He liked his apartment and his job. He liked his students. He liked working with Todd, despite their recent awkwardness. But the best part of Bison Hills had always been Jackie and Margo.
Until Niles.
“I need a change.” He needed to get away from the temptation and the heartache each time Niles bailed or he screwed up. Each time they tried to be friends.
; “I agree.”
Rusty glared at her. “So then why are you arguing with me?”
“Todd wasn’t right for you, and you weren’t right for Todd.”
“I know this, Jacqueline,” he gritted out.
“But Niles, on the other hand … He’s a gem. He’s your gem, Russell.”
“He broke up with me. He bailed on me. Twice. Why is this so hard to understand? Everyone keeps acting like it’s all my fault.”
“Oh, give me a break. He broke up with you because you lied about Todd.” Rusty growled at her, and she laughed. “It is your fault, dear brother. Maybe he’s just skittish.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Does Niles want to get back together?”
His heart slammed in his chest, and anger rushed through him. Or maybe it was fear. “I think he does,” he admitted through clenched teeth.
“But you don’t?”
“Jackie, I’m moving to Sapulpa in May. I’m not sticking around. He has to. His job is here. His dad is here. He—”
“Okay, hold on. You’re moving to be with us. I get that. But you love it here. You seem at home in Bison Hills in a way you never did in Oklahoma City. I get why you left Oklahoma City when you did. I know that you didn’t like your job and you needed space from your friends there. But you were running because you weren’t happy, in the same way that I was running from my bad decision, from our parents, from Margo’s dad. Well, Rusty, I’m not running anymore. And neither should you.”
Rusty stared at her, blood thundering in his ears. “You don’t want me with you in Sapulpa?”
She made an exasperated noise. “That’s what you got out of that? Of course I want you with us. But I don’t want you to throw away your life or put it on pause for months just because I’m finding mine.”
She grabbed his hand, and Rusty took a couple of shallow breaths. “A job could open up before May, so I could conceivably move sooner than seven months from now,” he said.
Life on Pause Page 20