by Mia Archer
“It means the goblin fell over and you get to attack him while he’s down,” Kylie said.
I mouthed a “thanks” to her. “Awesome! So I’m totally going to fireball that goblin’s hairy ass! Do goblins have hairy asses?”
“I don’t want to know,” Kylie said. She rolled the dice behind her screen, a tasteful number that didn’t have a single woman in an armored bikini which was better than the screen Dave used, and grinned. “Your fireball engulfs the goblin and you hear the satisfying screams of the evil creature fade to nothing as it burns away.”
“Ew. The poor thing,” I said.
Travis snorted. “The poor thing was about to kill your character. Remember that,” he said.
“I want to see your dice,” Dave said. “There’s no way that goblin fell over like that. Stuff like that never happened to me!”
“Shut up, Dave,” Kylie snapped. “If we don’t get to look at your stuff then you don’t get to look at my stuff.”
She turned and smiled at me again. I felt warm and fuzzy all over. It was nice to know that someone had my back here. We finished the fight and eventually we were victorious, with Travis landing the final killing blow on the evil goblin king which resulted in a fight over who should get the loot for a good ten minutes before we decided in a three-to-one vote that we were splitting the loot equally with all of us. Then we continued on to the other side of the chamber where the goblin king appeared from because the guys agreed that was probably a good place to start.
I just went along with them. Playing along seemed like the best bet since I still didn’t know all that much about this game.
“This stupid thing isn’t even a proper dungeon,” Dave muttered after Kylie described the other end of the room which opened onto another tunnel. “Goblins in a natural cave formation? Lame.”
“If you think it’s lame then why don’t you make your own game?” Kylie snapped, then paused and grinned. “Oh right. You made your own game and no one liked it, so suck it up and deal with it.”
Kylie looked at everyone at the table to see if anyone else was complaining about the game, but I was having a pretty good time and it seemed like Arnold and Travis were enjoying themselves too. So the game went on and we moved down the dark corridor to a spot where we hit another fork in the road.
“How original,” Dave growled.
“Shut up Dave,” Kylie said. “You’re at a fork where there are two paths. The path to the right leads down into a corridor that’s obviously been cut out by some intelligent creature as it’s lined with stonework. The other corridor leads up to a door that glows and pulses with a magical light. You have a choice, right or left? Down into a dungeon or up to the dangerous magical door?”
I held my breath. I didn’t know enough about this game to even start to make a decision like this. And of course the rest of the table broke out into an argument.
13: It's A Trap!
Kylie:
I fought back the urge to giggle maniacally as I watched the party mulling over the choice I’d laid before them. It was the perfect trap for Dave. There was no way he’d be able to resist going for the big magical shiny door instead of the dungeon which was what he’d been complaining about wanting the entire night.
Be careful what you ask for, and all that. The first fork in the road with the goblins had been the bait. This was where the trap was going to snap shut around the jerk. I was going to teach him the price of meta-gaming at my table, damn it, and shut him down in a way that idiot Jeff never had.
“So what’s your choice? The magical door or the dungeon?” I asked.
“There’s no way we can take what’s on the other side of that door,” Travis said. “Are you sure we’re not getting anything from the other side? We can’t sense anything?”
“Nope. We’ve already run through all the magic spells and abilities you can use, and you’re coming up with bupkis,” I said.
“Nothing from Lore?” Arnold asked.
“Nope.”
“Divination isn’t coming up with anything?” Travis asked.
“Nada. All you can tell is it’s a big shiny magical door glowing with the energies of some powerful magic. Which I guess makes sense since it’s a big shiny metal door and all.”
“We need to go to the dungeon,” Travis said. “There’s no way there’s anything good behind that door. Anything we can’t sense is going to be way beyond our level.”
“You guys are such pansies,” Dave said. I had to hide a smile as I could feel him clamping down around the bait. I needed to be patient, though. I needed to wait until he was well and truly on the line before I yanked back and reeled him in.
“So what are you going to do?” I asked.
I glanced over to Lisa and was surprised to see her smiling at me. I wondered if she suspected something. Then she really surprised me by reaching out and taking my hand. Giving it a good squeeze as the other guys were so preoccupied with arguing that they weren’t paying attention to anything going on between the two of us.
“This is going to be bad, isn’t it?” she whispered.
“You have no idea,” I said, a twinkle in my eye. This was going to be the most fun part of the whole damn evening!
“I don’t care what you guys say. I’m doing it,” Dave said.
I pulled my hand away from Lisa’s and tried to look as innocent as possible as the guys’ returned their attention to our end of the table. It was hard to think of anything other than the feel of Lisa’s hand pressed against mine, though. It was also comforting to know that she had my back in this. I still wasn’t sure how Travis and Arnold would react to this. Sure they had it out for Dave, but they might accuse me of doing the same sort of thing he was always pulling.
“Right, so I walk up to the door and have a good look at it. Does anything happen?” he asked.
I tried so hard to hide my smile, but it was so difficult. He was falling right into my trap and I knew the merest hint of a smile would tip him off. Would let him know something was going on. It seemed Lisa knew I was up to something too, because she was trying to hide her smile.
Clever girl. I liked her more and more with each passing day.
“The door starts pulsing faster and faster the closer you get to it,” I said. “You can feel magical energy crackling off the front of the thing even though you’ve never cast a spell in your life.”
“This is too easy,” Dave said. “Magical riches are all mine baby. The rest of you losers can go through your dungeon and get that stuff the hard way. I reach out and touch the door.”
And just like that his teeth snapped down on the bait and I yanked. Hard.
“The pulsing light and crackling energy comes to a halt the moment you touch the door, and it slides open silently,” I said.
Everyone at the table leaned forward, their mouths hanging open. What was going to happen next? What secrets were beyond the magical door? It was the age old question, or to be more accurate it was a question several decades old, that kept people coming back to this game again and again. They were about to get the answer in this particular scenario, and I knew at least one person at the table wasn’t going to like it.
I finally allowed myself a smile. Dave noticed it and swallowed, suddenly looking nervous, but it was already too late. Travis and Arnold exchanged significant looks. They knew what was coming. It was time to pay back all the times he’d used rules we couldn’t possibly know about to screw us over, and I’d done it without any rules lawyering whatsoever.
Tonight was a good night.
“Dave, could you be a dear and tell me what I need to roll to hit you?”
Dave’s eyes narrowed. Oh yes. He was sensing the trap. Good. Served the little jerk right. “Forty-two. Why?”
“Oh dear. I’m afraid I don’t even need to roll to know that you’re getting hit in a big way,” I said.
I got out my twenty sided die and paused. Looked around the table at everyone in turn. “I’m going to need more twe
nty siders for this. Could you hand them over?”
Everyone around the table looked at each other and then they handed over their twenty-sided dice. It was perhaps a little bit of overkill to ask them, but I wanted to make it clear that by opening that door they’d well and truly stuck their foot in it. I rolled the five dice. Then rolled them a few more times for good measure. Around the table everyone leaned forward, their eyes going more and more wide every time I rolled.
“Right. You’re hit for three hundred fifty seven points of damage, Dave. Your character dies.”
“What? That’s bullshit!”
“Sorry, you’re right,” I said.
Dave crossed his arms and a smug smile settled on his face. The sort of smug smile I’d always hated because it meant he thought he was pulling one over on us. Well now it was his turn to have the rug flipped out from under him.
“I should’ve dressed it up a bit. This is a role-playing game, after all. It’s not all about the numbers.”
Dave’s smile faltered.
“As soon as the door slides open a glittering clawed hand as big as your own body reaches through the door and pulls you in, not quite squeezing the life out of you so that your character is alive when the creature beyond starts to eat you. Satisfied with its dinner, the creature retreats back into its magical lair and leaves the rest of the party unmolested.”
The smile was gone. Dave stared in disbelief. Travis and Arnold broke out into laughter. Lisa couldn’t help but have a little smile of her own.
“What? You can’t just kill me like that!”
I shrugged. “You’re the one who decided to go up and poke the scary magical door. Sort of like the time I decided to harvest mushrooms and you didn’t tell me there was one microscopic amount of poison from a deadly variety that had lived there before the safe mushrooms took over?”
“That was completely legitimate! You failed your botanical lore check on those mushrooms!”
“Oh yeah? What about the time there was literally a sentient Dire Wolf hiding in a sheepskin disguise that time we were walking through farmland where there shouldn’t have been anything higher than a level two encounter?” Arnold said. “You were the only one at the table laughing that day.”
“Truth,” Travis said. “Sentient dire wolves aren’t even a thing. I went home and double checked everything that night.”
Dave crossed his arms and looked indignant. “I can’t help it if you guys didn’t like my little joke.”
“Joke? You wiped nearly the whole party on that encounter!” Travis said. “The only thing keeping the game going after that was that one of us managed to hide long enough to get back to the city and recruit a new party.”
“Listen, I don’t care if the rest of you are mad about the way I ran my game. The point is that Kylie here is abusing her position of authority and I won’t stand for it!”
“She’s not abusing it any more than some people at this table,” Travis said. “Get over it. You’re just getting a little of what you gave us.”
Dave stood and stormed towards the door. “This is ridiculous! I’m not putting up with this! Kylie, you’re a bitch and I’ve never wanted you in this game! No one wanted you in this game but Jeff had his stupid crush on you and then I had no choice! You don’t know what you’re doing and if you know what’s good for you when we come back you’d better figure out a way to bring my character back to life!”
He stepped through the door and gave it a jolly good slam on the way out.
I sat back. I was trying my hardest not to let the waterworks threatening at the edges of my eyes break through. Not in front of everyone. I was not going to fall apart and prove to them that Dave got to me. Still, everything he’d said hit at some insecurities of mine around being a girl at a gaming table that had been lurking for awhile now.
What if the only reason I got invited and got to stay was because Jeff had a crush on me? Was that what it was all about? I was a pretty face? Not that they wanted me at the table.
“Okay, I think maybe we should take a quick break. Maybe go for a swim if you brought your trunks,” I said.
I was amazed that I managed to keep my voice under control. I worried that at any moment it might crack and they’d know just how close to the edge I was. Arnold and Travis stood and made their way to the door, with Arnold stopping there for a moment.
“You know none of what he said is true, right?” he said. “We’d much rather have you running the game than that asshole.”
“Yeah, I vote for kicking him out,” Travis said. “Forget him.”
And then they were gone, leaving just me and Lisa in the pool house. All alone. Just like we’d been all alone a week ago when we were walking back to her house.
Great. Just what I needed. I was already on edge as it was, and here was Lisa sitting so close to me and distracting me. What I really needed was to be alone. Why couldn’t she just leave me alone, damn it? Why did she have to sit there and be such a confusing distraction? It was bad enough I had to deal with Dave without dealing with these strange feelings Lisa always dredged up in me.
“I think I need to go inside and get something,” I said. I couldn’t even think of a good excuse. All I knew was I needed to be away from here. I especially didn’t want Lisa to see how much Dave got to me, damn it.
“Kylie…” Lisa said, but she didn’t get a chance to finish. I stood and brushed past her. Practically sprinted from the pool house to my house. Off to the side the three guys were having what looked like a pretty intense conversation, but I ignored them too.
I needed to get away from them. Get away from Dave and his asshole ways. Away from Lisa and all the confusion she always brought with her.
I managed to make it all the way to my room before the waterworks that had been threatening finally broke free. I guess that was something.
14: Explosion
Lisa:
I leaned back in my chair and let out a long breath. That had been intense. I never would’ve figured Dave as the type to get that upset over something as silly as a game. He took this thing way too seriously.
I agreed with Travis and Arnold. If I had a choice of people to run the game then I knew who I’d pick. Dave was a jerk. Dave was a tyrant. Dave was the kind of asshole who took his petty position of power and turned it into the only thing his life was about, and now that he saw that being taken from him he was obviously pissed.
The jerk. I was pretty sure he’d move Kylie to the verge of tears. My eyes narrowed and I felt more and more pissed off the more I thought about it. I always tried to be nice. I always tried to give people the benefit of the doubt. I always tried to be the person who was making peace rather than the person causing fights.
Well Dave had just pushed me over the edge. I felt defensive of Kylie in a way that I hadn’t felt defensive of anyone else before. It surprised me, but I was going to come to her defense, damn it.
I stood and made my way through the door Dave had slammed moments ago. It was easy enough to find the big jerk. He was standing on the other side of the pool having a pretty nasty conversation with Arnold and Travis if the way they were gesturing back and forth was any indication. I zeroed in on him like I was some death robot from a cheesy ‘80s movie.
He’d hurt Kylie’s feelings and I was out for blood. No more Ms. Nice Lisa.
“You can’t just blow up at people like that,” Travis said. “You’re going to piss her off and then we won’t have anywhere to play our game!”
“So? Why should I care about hurting her feelings? She’s just a stupid girl who shouldn’t be playing this game with us anyways,” Dave shot back.
If anything that made me more angry. Just a stupid girl who shouldn’t be playing this game? Who the hell did he think he was talking about her like that? And what did that make me?
“So what am I Dave? Another stupid girl playing the game?” I asked.
All three stopped. Turned to stare at me. Travis moved ever so slightly to put him
self between me and Dave. I couldn’t tell whether that was because he thought I needed the protection or because he thought Dave needed it. Most people weren’t used to seeing me pissed off. I could imagine him thinking his buddy needed the help.
“What are you talking about Lisa? I invited you because…”
“Oh I know exactly why you invited me,” I said. “Is it because of these?”
I pressed my chest out and his eyes bugged out as he stared. Oh yeah. Pretty obvious what this jerk was after. Also? Pretty obvious what he was never going to get.
“Lisa, you don’t understand…” Dave said.
I took a step forward and grabbed his shirt. Pulled him close. Probably something he’d been hoping for ever since he invited me out last week, but not in the way he was thinking.
“I think I understand perfectly what’s going on here,” I said. “You’re being a dick to Kylie for no reason when she was nice enough to let everyone use her house.”
“I didn’t ask her to…”
“You’re a guest at her house. That means you’re going to be nice to her from here on out, or I swear to God…”
I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. I just knew that he had me mad enough that I felt like I could punch him. It was bad enough when he was a jerk to me. It was even worse for some reason when he was a jerk to Kylie. He seemed surprised that I would get so worked up, but that was his problem, not mine.
“Fine,” he finally muttered, backing down. Looks like Dave wasn’t in the mood for a fight. Which was probably a good thing. I might be pissed off, but I wasn’t sure how good I would be in an actual fight. “I’ll be nice to her.”
“Good,” I said, dusting off his shirt where I’d grabbed it. “I’m glad we could come to an understanding.
I turned and was about to go into the house to see if Kylie needed anything when Dave decided he couldn’t leave well enough alone.
“Crazy bitch. Shouldn’t have invited either of them.”
“Oh now that is it,” I said. The anger came back. I thought nice Lisa was back for a minute there, but then mean Lisa was taking over and grabbing him by the shoulders. We did a little twirl like we were two awkward teenagers at a middle school dance or something and then I was chucking him to the side.