by Tamara Bach
Then she takes my hands, including the hand holding the glass, and says, “Dear, sweet Mi, I’m not angry or mad, and you haven’t done anything to make me angry or mad. Okay?”
My brain sends a message to nod, and my head responds with slow up-and-down movements.
“So you’re okay?” Laura asks.
Am I okay?
“How much have I had to drink?” I say.
“How much do you think you’ve had?” Laura asks.
“I don’t know.” I shrug my shoulders again. “I think my parka has swallowed me whole!”
***
No, I’m not going to be sick.
Really.
I’m tired.
“You’re so cold.”
She unwraps me. Scarf. Parka. Sweater. T-shirt. The bathroom is very white and the light is too bright. I step out of my shoes. Laura stands by the shower and turns on the faucet.
“It’s always too cold at first, so wait.” She holds her hand under the water. My left foot steps out of my pants and pulls the right leg free. I’m not even wearing my socks any more.
Naked. Brrr. It’s cold.
“That’s good,” says Laura, and she shoves me under the hot shower.
Better.
At some point Laura’s hand reaches in the shower again and she hands me a toothbrush with toothpaste.
At some point I am very warm and very clean. At some point I am wearing a bathrobe and drying my hair. At some point I pull on a T-shirt that Laura hands me. At some point I pull up the covers and close my eyes.
The light goes out. The bed smells so good.
***
“Mi, are you sleeping already? I lied, Mi. I was in love once. With Katharina in my class. But she wasn’t in love with me. And her boyfriend made my life hell. He was ready to beat me up. Are you asleep? Mi? You’ve fallen asleep. I was also in love with a guy. It doesn’t matter who you fall in love with does it? No it doesn’t. God.”
Breathe in...two, three, four...breathe out...three, four...breathe in...
“I don’t want to go through all that again. And I want to be your friend, Mi. Okay? It’s always good to have friends. So. I’m your friend. And I will not kiss you again, I promise.”
Three, four...breathe out...
“Good night,” she says very softly.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Tired.
Sleep.
7
Never again. Ow, my head. What have I done? When do I have to be home? How late is it?
I have to pee, but if I move, I’ll wake up Laura for sure.
It’s still early, barely light.
I get up very quietly, very carefully. In the bathroom I find my clothes and I get dressed. I fold the T-shirt and leave it on the side of the tub.
And then I go.
I’m a coward, right?
Yes. A real coward.
Sometimes I don’t know what is really true and right. For example, I see strawberries and say, “They’re red,” and someone else sees them, too, and nods. But who knows if the red in my head looks the same as the red in theirs? No one can know that! Maybe their red looks the same as my yellow, or maybe it’s just a bit darker than mine.
And I am a coward. On the way home I kick at stones. I lose three in the gutter, one flies into someone’s front yard, another under a car. So I give up.
A little fog wafts through the street. The sun couldn’t get through even if it wanted to. It’s not just the mist. There are definitely clouds, and behind them even more clouds.
Suddenly I smell bread baking, and I realize I’m hungry.
I still have money. Yesterday I only paid for one beer.
Blech, beer.
***
At home I put the buns in a basket and put them on the table. I put water on to boil.
Look out the window. The neighbor’s cat is stalking something. Two kids are playing soccer. A silver Beetle drives by. The water comes to a boil.
The first one up is always loud, no matter how much that person tries to be quiet. And today I’m the first one up. And I’m loud.
Soon Mum is standing behind me and kissing the top of my head.
“So, sweetie, awake already?” Then she looks at me and sniffs me. “Or did you just get home?”
I nod. Will she be mad?
“I slept at Laura’s. I bought buns.” Big smile. I’m a good girl!
It works.
“Okay, then,” Mum says.
“Shall I pour you some coffee?” I ask.
“Oh, yes, please. You’re an angel.”
“I’m a good daughter!”
“Let’s not go overboard.”
We set the table together and I pour the coffee. Dad comes in, says good morning and then gets into the shower.
I eat a bun standing up and look out the window at the garden. The cat is now sitting on the lawn looking up at the sky. I look up, too, but all I see is sky. There’s nothing there. No birds, no plane, no angels, no superheroes. Nothing to interest a cat.
I pull the curtains closed. I stand at the window for awhile thinking about Laura, and my stomach clenches until I feel like I’m going to explode.
After Dad is finished in the bathroom I go in myself, close the door, turn up the music and stand under the shower. My body becomes wet and warm, and I let the water run over my lips. My lips are so soft. I look down at how the water runs along my gleaming body. I wonder how all this can belong to me. I see how my knees bend, how my feet soften, how the water collects in my belly-button. I hug my arms across my chest and close my eyes again.
How do you know when something is right?
I don’t know.
I turn off the shower and dry myself, sit on the edge of the tub wrapped in my bath towel, until Dennis starts banging on the door and yelling that he needs to shower. I go into my room and lie on my bed wrapped in the towel. And I stare and stare at the ceiling.
I don’t need to get up ever again. Never. Ever. I will only get up again when I know what it is all about.
8
Outside it’s bright out again. I lie on my back and look out the window, one hand stroking my stomach very softly, back and forth.
I dry slowly. The spot where my head was lying is damp.
I stand up in slow motion, put on a new CD, pull on my underwear and just stand there for a moment.
Someone knocks on the door and then opens it.
Why exactly do we bother even to have doors in this house?
“Are you coming?” asks Dennis.
“Where?”
“I want to go to the building supply store. Mum says I can take her car.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah. I want to buy paint.”
I stand there thinking it over.
“Hurry up, get dressed. You’ve got five minutes.” Then he’s gone.
***
Dennis has a funny way of driving a car. For example, when he drives backwards, he puts his right arm behind my headrest. Neither Mum nor Dad do this. And he drives fast. Oh, yeah, quite fast. He gets that from Mum. No, he drives even faster than she does.
“Where did you go last night?” Dennis asks as he skids around a corner.
“Away.”
“So I noticed. But where? You couldn’t have stayed that long.”
I just shake my head and my neck muscles tense up as I watch the road. Dear God, let me make it out of this car in one piece.
“Do I need to worry about you?”
I stare at him in amazement.
“No!?!” Is he joking?
He pulls into a parking spot. Thank God!
As he walks across the parking lot he shakes the keys in his hand back and forth. Klingklangklingklang.
“Your friend Laura didn’t stay that long, either,” he says without looking at me.
I don’t have to say anything.
He grabs a shopping cart and starts pushing it down the aisle.
“Did you two go home tog
ether?” he asks, practically shoving the cart into my calves.
“Hey, watch it,” I snarl at him.
“Sorry.”
I walk faster in the direction of the Paints and Finishes section. They’ve got paint to brush, paint to spray, paint for metal, plastic, wood. In white, blue, everything you can imagine. With gloss, with protective coating, metallic or antique finish and whatever. It’s amazing.
“Well?” Dennis says again, keeping the cart at a safe distance.
“What about mauve? Or blue? No, I’m not crazy about blue.”
Dennis grabs a can. “What about this?”
I look at it. “Dennis, that’s forest green. You can’t be serious!”
“Just a thought,” he says.
I’m wavering between gold and mauve. Or maybe we should get...
“What’s going on between the two of you, Miriam?” My eyes move from the label on the can to his face. “Between you and Laura.”
“What should be going on? How much money do you have on you?” Gold is actually more expensive.
“Someone told me that Laura...”
“Told you what?”
Dennis takes a deep breath and the next sentence comes out in a rush. “Mischa told me that Laura hit on his girlfriend. He thinks Laura is...” He’s looking for the right word. “Different.”
Of course Laura is different. Laura is different from anyone I’ve ever known. Laura is different and that’s good, because around here everything is all the same.
“Yeah, okay,” I say. “Now I can tell you. Laura is from another planet. She’s from Mars, and you know what? She’s brainwashed me. And in exactly one month they plan to invade the earth. And I’m going to help them do it. That way I won’t be eliminated.”
Dennis stammers, “Miriam, I just meant...”
But I stick both cans of paint under his nose. “Gold? Good, gold it is. I’ll see you at the cash.”
9
I painted the bench by myself.
“No problem,” I said to Dennis. It takes one hour before you can touch the paint but a day before it is really dry.
I clear away the newspapers under the legs of the bench and go up to my room.
Today time is standing still.
***
Not everything around here is bad. There are things I like. I know that when I’m older or grown up or both that I won’t live here anymore. I might live in a big city, maybe even in Berlin, or...who knows.
In ten years I’ll be twenty-five. What will I be like then? Maybe I’ll have been in love with the same person for a few years. Maybe I’ll have children, or a dog. I wonder what I’ll be doing then. I picture an apartment overlooking a street full of traffic. At night drunk people wander down the sidewalk singing arias. Actually, I just picture myself standing there and looking out at the street below. Nothing more.
It’s getting warmer out. I stand out on the balcony and smoke a cigarette butt that I’ve hidden. This is nice, the balcony. You can stand here and look out at the garden. Beyond that is nothing but countryside.
But what I really like about it isn’t the fields or the trees, but the sky. The sky is so big here. In the city it always looks as though the sky has just been hung out to dry between the houses. But here it’s different. At night the sky is a big black blanket with flecks of stars, a blanket that I can pull over my head when I’m sad. Or happy. A cool blanket when I have a fever. A warm blanket when I’m cold.
The balcony door opens and I quickly hide the cigarette butt with the others.
“Hey, sweetie?”
“Yeah?”
“How are you?”
“Okay.”
Mum links her arm through mine. “Did you have a fight with Dennis?”
“Whatever.” She hasn’t noticed the cigarette.
“Love life problems?”
I shrug. Then we’re quiet.
“There are supposed to be shooting stars tonight,” Mum says suddenly.
“Yeah, I heard that.”
“Nice, isn’t it?”
And I nod.
“The sky is completely clear. We’ll probably see some.”
I’ve never seen a shooting star.
And then one falls. I see it out of the corner of my eye.
“So, did you make a wish?” Mum asks.
“No.”
“So, think of one quickly then.”
And then another one falls. What should I wish? I look over at Mum. I see her face looking up at the sky. And she smiles and in the moonlight she looks much softer.
Sometimes I wonder how everything can be so shitty most of the time and then suddenly completely different, so still and peaceful. Like the way she’s standing here right now, her hair pinned up and with the moonlight shining on her face.
What do I wish for her? I wish her the best. I wish her luck and good health and then I wish that we wouldn’t fight so much. So that she wouldn’t have to be sad.
Another star falls.
“Did you make a wish on that one?” Mum asks.
I nod.
And Mum smiles.
10
“So have you ever had pets?” Laura asks me.
“A few. Nothing with fur, though. A few fish, a turtle that ran away. And a budgie.”
“I had a budgie, too, once. But I killed it,” says Phillip.
“What?” I say. Laura starts to laugh.
“Shut up, Laura!” Phillip snaps. “It was really tragic. He used to fly free in my room and one day I went into my room and forgot that I’d left the cage open. I slammed the door shut as soon as I noticed, but Hansi was caught in the middle.”
Now Laura’s really having a fit.
“What do you mean, in the middle?” I ask.
“I crushed him. With the door.”
“Ouch!”
“Yeah, it was not a great moment,” Phillip says, but even he can’t stop smiling a little.
“It was my fault that our budgie Joker died,” I say. “I left him out in the sun too long and his weak heart couldn’t take it.”
I still remember the Ferrero Rocher box that we buried him in. Funny. That box never showed up again.
“He was a good budgie,” I say.
Laura raises her cup high. “To Joker. He was a good budgie.”
“It’s all a bit macabre, isn’t it?” I say then. “I was pretty devastated at the time.”
“Me, too,” Phillip says.
“They’re just animals,” Laura says.
“Come on!” Phillip says.
“Why? If someone I really cared about died, that would be worse. A human being, I mean.”
“I think the worst is for parents whose children die,” I say.
“I would be the saddest if Pia died.” Laura looks down at the table and starts sweeping a few spilled grains of sugar back and forth.
“Who’s Pia?” I ask.
“My baby sister. She is so sweet. I miss her so much. She lives with my father.”
Phillip stands up and gets himself some more coffee.
“Anyone else?” he asks, lifting the pot.
I shake my head, but Laura hands him her cup.
“When is your mother coming back?” he asks as he pours the coffee.
“Next weekend.” Laura finally brushes the crumbs off the table. “Hey, listen, why don’t we go somewhere next weekend — leave Saturday and come back on Sunday!”
Phillip shrugs and looks in my direction.
“Where would we go, and how would we get there?” I ask. Just go somewhere? Can you do that?
“We just buy a ticket and go. Don’t know where. Wherever we want! Phillip, where should we go?”
Phillip thinks for a minute.
“I have an uncle in the east...”
Laura beams. “Isn’t it great to have a big family? Here’s to family!” And she lifts her mug high.
***
“Mum?”
It’s just before ten. The movie’s about half o
ver.
“Mmmmh?” Mum yawns.
“Mum, we’re thinking of going away for the weekend.”
“And who is we?”
“Laura, Phillip and I. We’re going to go to Phillip’s uncle’s place. Just for one night.”
“And does his uncle know about this?”
“Yes.” Does she believe me?
“And you’ll be back home on Sunday?”
“Yes.”
Mum yawns again. “Do you have enough money?”
“Yeah. It’s really cheap if you go on a weekend.”
“Okay then.”
“Thanks!” Yippee! Wahoo!
Mum yawns again. “I can’t stay awake any longer. Turn the lights out before you go up, okay?” And she goes up to her room.
I pull the phone onto the sofa and call Laura.
“It’s okay. I can come.”
“Fantastic. Phillip has already called his uncle, and it’s okay with him, too.”
The living-room door opens and Dennis comes in and sits down.
“I have to hang up,” I say. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” Then I hang up the phone.
Dennis takes the TV guide off the table, leafs through it and looks up at the screen now and then.
The movie is extremely boring. I’ll go to bed. I have a math exam in the morning.
“Hey, Miriam,” he says. I stop at the door. “Everything okay?”
He turns around and looks at me. I can only see his eyes above the arm of the sofa.
I nod and then I go up to bed.
11
“So what are you doing this weekend?” Ines asks after math.
“We’re going away for the weekend.”
“Really? Where are you going?”
Laura didn’t mention it this morning. I don’t want Suse and Ines to know where we’re going. And above all, I don’t want them to know who “we” are.
“Heading east.”
Ines nods and fishes around in her backpack.
“Are you free later today?” she asks.
I shrug. Look briefly at Laura, who is copying stuff into her notebook.
“Why?”
“I was going to drop by,” Ines says and adds quickly, “I mean for real. I’m not just using you as an excuse.”
“Okay. No problem.” Laura closes her notebook and goes outside.