by Izzy Shows
"Will we? Do you remember how hard it was to pin her down last time? I fucked up. I fucked everything up!" He threw the glass of brandy at the wall, and I cringed at the sound of shattering glass.
I squeezed my eyes shut, willing myself not to go to that place where the memories of drunken and abusive foster fathers lived. Now was not the time to have a flashback, now was not the time to wallow in misery.
Mal needed me.
"She had been feeding on mages for who knows how long last time, she's been weaned off it for...well, we don't really know what the comparative amount of time is, because we've been rushing the process along," I said. "And thank the Gods for that, because otherwise she'd be a lot stronger. But this is good, this is OK. She's bolted, but we're going to find her, and it won't be so hard to contain her this time."
He looked at me then, really looked at me, his eyes focusing at last.
"I lost her," he said. I could hear it in his voice, how much he blamed himself for her pain. I knew it was useless to tell him that she'd made her own choices and that we were doing what we could to help her, I just wanted something to tell him that would make it OK.
I grabbed both of his hands and squeezed tightly. "Malphas, we do not have time for this. We can have an emotional fall out afterwards, once she's safe and back in her room, that's when you can fall apart and blame yourself for whatever you want to blame yourself for. But right now, this moment, I need you to get it together." There was a strength in my words that I did not feel, but I knew that they needed to be spoken. I didn't want to be cruel. I didn't want him to remember my words later and look back on them with pain.
Maybe I was giving him too much emotional credit; he was a demon after all. Could be he wouldn't give a damn what I said.
His eyes flickered, whatever emotion had been in them was now hidden, and his face returned to the mask I was so used to seeing.
"You're right, of course," he said, his voice even now. "I don't know what I was thinking."
I swallowed, put off by the way he spoke now. I knew it was for the best, but...was it really, in the long term? I didn't like having the responsibility of deciding that. What was done was done, there was no going back. I couldn't very well turn around and tell him to embrace the emotions I'd just asked him to push down.
"Let's go find her," I said, setting my lips in a grim line.
36
Coming out of the fifth bar I'd investigated, I was starting to feel like it was all a little hopeless. How in the hell were we ever going to find Lilith? I could only hope that Mal was having more luck than me. We had decided to split up to look for her, cover more ground.
I flexed my fingers, tempted to pull some heat from the magic in my body and push it through my fingers. Night had fallen and it was bitter cold out, but there was nothing to be done about that. I didn't trust myself with that kind of magic, much more likely that I'd set myself on fire and wouldn't that look crazy?
A scream echoed off the stones of pavement and buildings by the alley and I broke into a run, darting down it without hesitation. Either it was Lilith or it was some other creature attacking a defenseless human—or, more likely, it was someone being mugged. Either way, I was going to be there to stop it from happening.
The scene that greeted me was indeed what I had been looking for, though I took no pleasure in finding it. Lilith was wrapped around a mortal man, his face cradled in her hands, jaws opened wide.
"Damn it," I said, gritting my teeth, and sending up a silent prayer that this was the only victim she'd found this night. I unwound the chain on my left hand and flung it forward. "Ventus!" A gale of wind stormed out of the palm of my hand and crashed into the two of them. Unfortunately, there was no way to differentiate between the mortal and Lilith, so they were both flung against the wall.
Friendly fire. I shrugged off the guilt, it was a necessity to keep the man safe, I told myself as I ran over to them. I grabbed the man by the shoulders, lifting him from where he'd fallen to the ground.
"You've got to get up, you've got to get out of here," I said, yanking on him.
"B-b-b-ut," he said, stammering. "She...she...what was she doing?" His voice was hoarse, I couldn't tell if it was that way because she'd already fed on him or if he was just that afraid. I hoped for the latter. I glanced over at Lilith, weak from the trials I'd put her through, she was still struggling to get to her feet. I had a minute, maybe.
"She was mugging you," I said, my voice firm. "That's all. She's very strong, and she does this a lot. I'm going to take care of her, I'm going to call the police, you just get out of here."
He nodded his head, seeming to accept what I said. Why wouldn't he? The alternative was admitting that something else was going on, something that he couldn't find the words to explain. I knew that he would push this to the back of his mind until time dulled the memory. He would repeat my words over and over to himself until they started to sound true, and eventually he would accept them as fact.
This was the way of mortal men. They could not stop themselves from hiding from the truth.
He bolted down the alley, running to freedom.
I turned to face Lilith, who had just gained her footing and was glaring at me as if...well, as if I had just taken her dinner away from her.
"Preying on regular mortals are we, Lilith? I have to say, I'm impressed you went for that type of meal," I said, hoping to start a conversation.
She snarled and launched herself at me.
"Aegis!" I brought my right hand up and splayed my fingers out in front of me, forming the circular shield that Aidan had beat into my brain until it had become second nature. She bounced against it and stumbled back a few steps. I didn't want to use combat magic against her, I didn't want to hurt her too much, but I wasn't going to stop protecting myself.
"Tempt me, little mage, and I just might eat you," she said.
I breathed a sigh of relief—she was talking. That was all I wanted from her.
"Games over, Lilith," I said. "I'm taking you home, and we're going to have a long chat about why this was a horrible idea. Do you know how worried Malphas is over you? Why would you hurt him like that?"
A flicker of pain crossed her face and I took a step forward, goaded by my perceived victory.
"He cares for you. Come home. I won't hurt you."
"Just kill me already!" She shouted at me, tears forming at her eyes. "Why won't you just kill me?"
And then she launched herself at me again, her nails turning into claws. She took me by surprise, I hadn't been expecting another attack, I'd thought I was in the midst of talking her down. But here she was, rending the sleeve of my jacket and wrapping one clawed hand around my throat.
"If you won't kill me, I'll kill you."
I glared at her. "Vis," I said, curling my arm back and slamming it into her gut. She gasped, letting go of my throat and stepping back. I knew I couldn't take her in a fair fight, even weakened as she was, but it was better to use enhanced strength than fire so I was going to call it as fair as could be.
She lunged, grabbing me by the shoulders and slamming me into a wall. My head bounced against it, pain lancing through me as I groaned.
"Lilith, stop, you've got to stop this nonsense," I said, struggling against her. "You're doing so much better, don't throw all of that away! Don't you want to be the woman you were telling me about, strong enough to walk away from a paradise, all so that you could be respected? The woman who Samael wanted, the woman to whom empires bowed to? You can be that again, you just have to try a little harder to hold onto yourself."
"Why won't you just kill me already?" she said, and I heard the pain and tears mingling in her throat. "Why!" She slammed me back against the wall again, sending more pain through my head.
"Why do you want to die!" I cried, forcing my eyes to stay open.
Her face crumbled and she collapsed in on me, her head resting on my shoulder, her grip weakening. I held her then, wrapping my arms around her because
I didn't know what else to do. I let her cry there for as long as she needed to, awkward as it was for me.
"Why do you want to die, Lilith?"
"I have nothing left to live for, Blair. It's all gone. I've ruined everything. I'm not the woman I told you about, and I never will be again. I'm ruined."
I shifted my grip to her shoulders now, pushing her back a little bit so I could look her in the eye.
"You are not ruined, Lilith," I said, a hard edge to my voice. "You have to live for yourself. You can't live for me, you can't live for Malphas. You can't live for anyone you've ever met, I'm sorry. That's the easy way out, but you have to live for yourself. For who you want to be. You are a strong woman, and I know it’s hard, but you can find yourself again."
Her eyes watered as she looked at me, and I could see that she wanted to drop her gaze. "I don't think I could live with myself, if I let him down again."
"So don't," I said, forcing a small smile to my lips. "Don't let him down, but more importantly, don't let yourself down."
She stared at me for a long moment, her breathing laboured. I knew she was debating letting it all go, killing me, and embracing the monster she had created, and it was a gamble now as to which way she was going to go. There was nothing I could do now to influence her beyond what I had already said. It would have to be enough on my own.
Finally, she nodded her head, her eyes sliding away from mine.
"Live for myself?" She sounded bitter. "I don't even know who I am anymore."
I slid my hand down to find hers, gripping it tightly. "I'll help you."
She looked up at me, an emotion I couldn't recognize in her eyes. "I'll fight you," she said, and at last a smile curved her lips.
"You wouldn't be Lilith if you didn't," I said, grinning back at her.
She stepped away from me, still holding onto my hand, and gave it a tug. "Let's go home."
I dropped her hand—Oh Gods, my heart squeezed at the look on her face—and wrapped my arm around her shoulders. It was worth it to see the warmth fill her face.
We walked out of the alley together.
One crisis handled.
37
"Thank you," Mal said.
We were standing on his balcony, a cigarette in my hand giving me the needed nicotine to calm down from the adrenaline of hunting and finding Lilith.
"Of course," I said, shrugging my shoulders. "You would have done it for me, I didn't do anything special."
"You didn't have to help. You didn't have to say what you said to her."
I blushed, looking away. "She told you?"
"She did. I know I shouldn't feel...glad that she ran away, but I think in the end it's going to make this a lot easier on the three of us. She's decided she wants to get better now, and you've given her more reason to do that than I could have."
I didn't know what to say to that, so instead I lifted the cigarette to my lips and inhaled.
He hesitated for a second before he closed the distance between us and wrapped his arms around me in a hug. "I cannot possibly explain to you how much she means to me, so you cannot understand how much it means to me, what you did."
I pulled away from him, feeling awkward and uncomfortable with all of the attention. Gratitude was not something I was accustomed to, it wasn't anything I got all that frequently, and I wished he would just drop it.
"Like I said, it's not a big deal. I didn't do anything special."
There was little space between us, then, and I realised the critical error of having allowed it. Tension rose between us, his eyes darkened and then...he frowned, a sigh escaping his lips. He moved to the other end of the balcony and turned his back on me, looking out at the city lights.
I chewed on my lip, wishing that I was a different person, wishing that I was someone who could handle this kind of situation with grace and not push people away.
"You know this isn't my thing," I said at last, breaking the silence that had moved between us.
"I know," he said. "That isn't...I'm sorry. I don't mean to make you think that you've done anything wrong, because you haven't."
"Then why are you all the way over there?"
He turned to look at me, leaning his weight against the balcony rail. The way he looked just then, a breeze teasing his black hair, his darkly tanned skin glinting in the dim lighting that permeated the darkness...all of that I could have handled, maybe, but it was the look in his eyes that took my breath away. The way he looked at me, as if I were the greatest temptation on the planet.
"I wanted to kiss you," he said, shrugging. "I'm sorry."
I fidgeted with a fraying string on my jeans, not quite looking at him now. I didn't know what to say to that, didn't know how to handle it.
"When are things going to go back to normal?"
"Maybe...I don't want them to go back to normal."
I glared at him. "Well, I do. I've explained to you already, nothing is going to change."
He walked forward, his gait fluid, until he had taken away all the space he'd put between us and he was too close for comfort. I thought about stepping back, but everything in me clamored to remain exactly where I was.
"Mal, we can't do this," I said, though it barely came out a hoarse whisper with the way my chest had tightened, my breathing had become shallow.
"Why not? I thought I understood before, you were hesitant the day I kissed you in your flat, you didn't seem...experienced. That I could accept, and that allowed me to give you the space I thought you needed. But you've taken up with Shawn, and that clearly is not a truly romantic relationship that you share. Now, you give me excuses, and they seem shallow."
I flushed at the way he described me. It was true, I had felt miles out of my league when he kissed me, but that...he'd been so different from the men and women I'd enjoyed before him, so much so that I had felt almost as if a virgin before him.
"I was rusty," I said. "It had been a while." And truth be told, after he had kissed me, in the year and a half between him and Shawn, I had jumped back on that bicycle. He'd awoken a need in me that had slept soundly for some time.
"It did not seem that way."
I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of explaining what his kiss had done to me, what it had felt like, how much I had wanted more from him once the terror of that situation had gone away. It would go straight to his head, and I couldn't risk that. Instead, I glared at him.
"I have given you my reasons, it's not my fault you can't seem to accept them. I'm not going to take up with a Fallen."
"Afraid?" He smirked, stepping still closer until we were toe to toe, his face so close to mine that our breath mingled in the air.
"I'm not afraid of anything," I said, and damn me, my eyes flicked to his lips for a half second before I brought them back to his eyes—where I saw a victorious glint now.
He lifted a hand to brush against my cheek, raising goose bumps where his fingers met my skin and sending a shiver down my spine.
I shouldn't be here, I thought, remembering the Utakar and everything else I had to do. That's tomorrow night. You have time, now. Stay here.
"I will not kiss you again, Blair," he said, his voice husky. I could hear the need in his voice, and I felt my own disappointment. Betrayed by my own body, it seemed. "Not unless you want me to."
It felt like ages passed while he remained there, waiting for me to say something. I couldn't speak, because any words would be a lie. I wanted to tell him that I didn't want his kiss, that I didn't want anything from him. I wanted to tell him that I wanted him to go away, but that wasn't true either.
"This is a bad idea," I said at last, finding words that would be true.
"The road to hell was paved with good intentions. I would know," he said, smirking at me. "Make this mistake."
I shook my head. "I can't."
"And yet, you do not tell me that you do not want this kiss," he said, seizing on the way I chose my words with care.
"Damn you!" I took t
he needed step back, leaving him there and watching the disappointment fill his eyes. "What do you want me to say? I want you to kiss me, yes. There it is. But I'm not going to do this, Mal. I'm not going to make this mistake, because that's what it is. A mistake. Doing anything...It's dangerous."
"Because of me?"
I stiffened. There it was, that damned voice, the voice of the mark. Talking to me again. Was I losing my mind?
Mal narrowed his eyes, watching me.
"I have to go," I said, and bolted for the door.
I couldn't handle any of this.
38
The day had been absolute shit, all thanks to Mal. I hadn't been able to relax, too keyed up by the things he'd said to me, by the way he'd affected my body. The whole idea of doing this tonight was that we would have the day to rest up and make sure we were at the top of our game when we fought him, but my mind had been a wreck. Now, I had to fight the Utakar and hoped that I had enough brains left to pull it off.
Darkness had fallen, the only thing left to wait for, and now Kailan and I had made our way out into the field. We dragged various rocks to the center of the field, forming a circle there. I laid the last rock, pushing will into it until it created the magical circle that we needed.
"Are you sure about this?" Kailan said, not sounding sure himself.
"No, but it's our best bet."
"What if you can't say its name right?"
"Then we have to come up with another plan and we've got a whole night to do it in," I said, shrugging.
Kailan was silent for a moment before he looked at me with a frown marring his features. "Don't you normally have friends with you? I've heard that you fight with comrades."
"And for this fight, that comrade is you," I said, smirking. "I'm not pulling them into this, this isn't their fight. No one even knows that it's a fight that's taking place."
Emily wouldn't have been able to help, it wasn't her style. Finn would have helped, and Shawn would have been all too eager to join a fight, but they were humans. As much as Finn had proved himself capable at the vampire's house, it had been a close call and I didn't want to repeat the experience.