Murder Mittens

by R. J. Blain

  “You’re something else. Fine, if you absolutely insist on addressing these bounties, I will accompany you on them before we set up for the main bounty. Don’t make me regret this, Wells.”

  Four

  My virus wanted more of Sebastian’s roars immediately.

  I figured it would take me an hour to make my unwanted partner regret his decision to join me on my hunt. First, while I’d gotten rid of the evidence of my gorging from my father’s truck, its unique aroma remained. Second, I hadn’t gone out of my way to make the vehicle presentable for anyone other than me. It’d taken me the short haul to Fargo to make a mess of it. Whoops. Third, us together in a confined space would lead to disaster. I gave myself twenty minutes before I lost to temptation and worked to make him roar.

  My virus wanted more of Sebastian’s roars immediately.

  I wanted to drag it out, but I could live with a few immediate roars, too.

  One of these days, my virus would get me killed. I’d contribute to my demise, and I’d do so with limited regret. Sebastian would snap, roar, and kill me in some brutal fashion. I needed to ask for him to make my demise memorable. If I made headlines, I could be proud of having gone out with a bang.

  “What is that smell?” Sebastian wrinkled his nose.

  “My mother is pregnant, and she thinks I never eat, so she fed me fried chicken. Saffron was only the start of her crimes against her fried chicken, which is usually amazing. As I’m a good daughter and refuse to waste food, I ate it all. It was not as terrible as I thought it would be based on its rather unique fragrance. As this is my father’s truck, I can’t just hose it down with perfume. I’ll wash the interior before I return it and hope that purges the stench of that chicken out of the upholstery. Dad doesn’t mind about the chicken, as he helped me load it in. If he didn’t want the chicken in his truck, he wouldn’t have given me the keys and helped me load it up.”

  “I see you live to vex even your family. And here I thought you were only out for my blood.”

  No, I was not out for his blood. I was out for his roar—and possibly his nude self in my bed. Getting him out of his clothes might involve some bloodshed, as I couldn’t imagine the lion would sacrifice one of his precious suits, which would require me to claw it off him. Most nights, I took the time to sharpen my claws, as they were one of my most important weapons during a hunt. I considered the benefits of going out for his blood. Well, if I went after his clothes, the blood would be an accidental accompaniment, as I did take such good care of my claws.

  Before I tore him out of his clothes, I’d have to paint my nails and my claws. A woman needed to look her best before making some serious moves on a man.

  “I feel like you’re not giving me enough credit here, Sebastian. Why would I settle with only going out for your blood when I can take my entire family out, too? I have a lot of brothers. That’s enough to drive any woman crazy. Frankly, I’m amazed I escaped without a single chaperone.”

  “I’m amazed you haven’t been sent to an institution yet. Permanently.”

  “I do too good of a job of taking out the truly awful lycanthropes in society; they let me off with a continuous chain of warnings. I’m trying to figure out what you did to deserve me. You must have been a very, very bad man in a former life, Sebastian—or you’re an exceptionally bad man now. I’m not sure which. I feel I need to do some research.”

  “Please don’t.”

  “Well, tell me what you did to deserve me, then.”

  “I don’t know what I did to deserve you. If I knew, I’d start setting up shrines to the appropriate divine and apologize profusely, complete with sacrifices as required,” he muttered. “That smell might do me in. How could you stand eating it?”

  “One does not make her pregnant mother cry by being anything other than enthusiastic about her fried chicken. I might be a terrible person, but I do try to be a good daughter. I’m the only daughter she has right now. I’m hoping the next litter is girls. I’m outnumbered terribly.” As a ticket would delay me even more, I pulled over before plugging in the address to my first target. “I have a list of targets, and I expect you to follow my lead on this. I like to take the systematic approach, but honestly? Having you and the truck around will make this a little easier. There is a rule about this truck. We leave no trace of my side job in the truck. My daddy can’t find out about my side job. If my daddy finds out about my side job, that means my momma finds out about my side job, and if my momma finds out about my side job, that means all forty-seven of my brothers learn about my side job. We clear?”

  “As you have a disgustingly good record regarding your bounty performance, it would not benefit me to have you suddenly develop an unfortunate audience of forty-nine individuals.”

  “Don’t forget my uncles.”

  “An unfortunate audience of a ridiculous number of individuals invested in your good health.”

  “Welcome to my life. It’s very frustrating, really. And they don’t understand why I might want to remove the scars from my face, as they’re deluded and will consider me beautiful even if I had no nose.”

  “You would not be beautiful without a nose.”

  “See? I can’t even get mad at you for that. It’s absolutely true. This face without a nose? It’s not pretty. This face without scars? It’s actually almost pretty. I got to see a reconstruction at a recent appointment with a surgeon. They did the bone rebuild to see what I should actually look like. It turns out when you’re not missing a chunk of your cheek, your face looks really different. But I’m almost pretty with a proper face. I’m trying to figure out how your offer is too good to be true. It has to be too good to be true.”

  “It’s a dangerous job, you’re their kind of target, and you’re a single female lycanthrope. That puts you at a high-risk during a high-risk job, so you’re being paid accordingly. If he’s not taken out, there will be many more people hurt. That’s why I’ll be accompanying you. If it wasn’t illegal without consent, I’d microchip you.”

  “I’ll listen to your pitch to microchip me, but it better be a damned good offer and involve your enslavement. I would get to hold your leash. For every day I’m microchipped, I get to hold your leash.”

  “It would be a permanent microchipping.”

  My virus perked up at the thought of keeping Sebastian permanently, as she could get to hear him roar daily. “Then I would get to permanently hold your leash. You can sign over your freedom to me at your leisure. Otherwise, you don’t get to microchip me.”

  “Damn it, Wells!” While his complaint didn’t count as a roar, my virus purred over his display of annoyance.

  A few more jabs might do it. “You’re pretty enough I’d take very good care of you, my new pet lion.”

  “You are a menace,” he snarled.

  “I’m a delight. You just can’t posture and get me to do what you want, so your male lion ego gets terribly bruised. Usually within five minutes of exposure to me. You know you love me because I’m such a delight.”

  For the first time in our relationship, I stunned him into silence.

  My virus took her time considering his new reaction to my mouth, and maybe with a jab or two, I’d get a two-for-one special, knocking the furry pervert out, right along with the egotistical male lion.

  Sometimes, life treated me well, and I wanted nothing to change.

  I pressed the button on the navigation panel, which began instructing me on how to reach the seamstress’s shop, a two-hour drive away with traffic.

  Stupid traffic.

  “It’s simple, Sebastian. If I let egotistical males drag me down, I would be a pampered princess in an ivory tower, safeguarded by a ridiculous number of moody, overprotective male cats. While there are days I wouldn’t mind being a pampered princess, I’d rather not drown in moody, overprotective males. As I’m a lycanthrope, I might be convinced I should tolerate one overprotective male, but he’d have to be spectacular.” I listened to the navigation system’s di
rections, muttering curses at the ridiculous amount of traffic for so small an area.

  I expected the gridlock in somewhere like Chicago, not in Fargo.

  “I have underestimated the amount of suffering you have endured. A single female lycanthrope would find a lone egotistical male cat to be vexing. How many of your brothers are mated?”

  “Not enough of them,” I muttered. “It’s my fault. They don’t want to settle down while they have a sister to protect. I might get into trouble.”

  “Might?”

  “They really aren’t very good at keeping me out of trouble. It’s true. I almost feel sorry for them, really. They make me check in. They’re convinced my face will drive me to doing unacceptable things.”

  “You mean like working as a bounty hunter to pay for your operation?”

  “Exactly. Unacceptable things like that. It’s ridiculous. Why can’t I be a bounty hunter if I want?”

  “It’s dangerous.”

  “And? It’s good work. I’m usually paid well for it.”

  “You earned your way up like everyone else, which is why you’re paid decently for it.”

  “I work in customer service as my day job, Sebastian,” I reminded him. “It pays well compared to that.”

  The lion frowned, staring out the window. “You take unnecessary risks because you’re not paid well enough at your day job?”

  “I take necessary risks because I have a mangled face and wish to replace it with my proper face, and I wish to earn my proper face, thank you. And if you feed me any bullshit about how I should embrace my mangled face, I’ll dump your ass into the nearest lake and ruin your hair. Or maybe I’ll tie you up in my living room for a few weeks so I can properly call you Mr. Mane, Mr. Mane.”

  “You would.”

  “I’m so glad I don’t have to do a demonstration.” I considered having him tied up in my living room for a few weeks, coming to the sad conclusion his growling and roaring would get me fired within a few days. “Are lions expensive to feed? This is an important research question now.”

  “I’m very expensive to feed.”

  Damn it. “How expensive?”

  “I eat enough for six humans on a day I’m taking it easy. My regular dinner is usually three steaks. Take what you can eat, multiply by three, and then make it all steak, all the time.”

  I licked my lips. While his diet could use variety, I had to admit I liked his general plan to exclusively eat steak. “I like steak.”

  “I bet you do, especially after being forced to consume contaminated fried chicken. If you get through this Battle Lake job with minimal injury to yourself, I will provide steak for dinner tonight.”

  Okay. Sebastian spoke my language. Not only did he speak my language, he did so in such a way my virus swooned and waited for him to take over the show.

  She wanted to surrender immediately so she could be pampered, fed steak, and seduced.

  “I think I need my virus levels checked,” I muttered.

  “Why would you say that?”

  “My reasons involve my virus’s unreasonable reaction to the prospect of being fed steak.”

  “It’s steak, Wells. Steak is the true proof there are divines out there who genuinely wish for us to be happy.”

  No, his roar was the only proof I needed some divine out there genuinely wished for me to be happy. “What kind of steak do I get?”

  “The steak you are fed is directly related to how badly you get yourself injured this time. Should you emerge with no bruises or scratches, you will be taken to a nice steakhouse, where I will foot the bill for however much you eat. Should you be scratched, you do not get to go to a nice steakhouse. You will be taken to a buffet that happens to serve steak.”

  “The difference between these two restaurants is alarming considering the differential in injury,” I observed, narrowing my eyes. My virus would swoon again if he took me to a buffet, where I could eat to my heart’s content. “Perfection or buffet? That’s harsh. Dare I ask what will happen to me if I suffer through more than a few bruises or scratches?”

  “I will still take you to a buffet, but they will not serve good steak. They will serve scraps of meat that might have been a steak, but they will serve barbecue chicken worth crying over.”

  Crap. Barbecue chicken might break me. “What else does that horrible buffet have?”

  “A taco bar.”

  My virus demanded I go out of my way to take a beating to earn access to a taco bar. “Ugh, tacos,” I said, feigning disgust while doing my best to keep from drooling. “Does anywhere this far north even serve edible tacos?”

  Sebastian smirked. “That’s for me to know and you to find out. I expect you’ll be fully tenderized after every one of the bounties, and the big one? I’ll be monitoring you in the hospital by the end of it. Again.”

  Damned lion. “I spent five whole hours in the hospital, and that’s only because I passed out in the damned lobby. It’s tiring work bagging six males in one go.”

  “You needed two pints of blood, and you cost the CDC ten thousand dollars in neutralizer. The only reason you didn’t get fined for that stunt is because you called the police to keep the blood trail contained until you could clean it up. And you tried to clean it up yourself.” The lion grunted at me, crossed his arms over his chest, and glowered, staring out the window. “I’ve been over your entire file, Wells. It’s a horror show. I don’t know what I did to deserve this.”

  I grinned. “You probably roared at the wrong vanilla higher up in the CDC, and he felt a need to put you in your place.”

  “She.”

  Laughing, I checked the navigation panel to confirm where I needed to go, pondering how I wanted to take out the asshole wolf holding a woman hostage after infecting her against her will. “Did you try to flirt with a supervisor, Mr. Mane? And not only that, she was a vanilla supervisor? Damn, you’re bold.”

  “Damn it, Wells! I didn’t flirt with her. She pissed me off because she thinks vanillas are worth more than everybody else. I called her out on her bigotry. While roaring. Her boss caught me doing it. I got moved to manage you.”

  “And what happened to your supervisor?”

  “I believe she was fired for being a bigoted asshat.”

  Wait. Sebastian Sumners had a sense of humor? “Did you just call this supervisor an asshat?”

  “I absolutely did. That is what she is. And I’m pretty sure I got sent out of the area to prevent the bigoted asshat from causing me more problems. I think they were either trying to reward me or evict me from the pool of eligible bachelors, but they’ve never met you before.”

  While not a roar, his complaints over his precarious position as a single male lycanthrope pleased my virus. “It’s okay, Mr. Mane. If I wasn’t uglier than sin, I’d be tempted to flirt with a hot supervisor, but honestly? With my face, flirting is more of a horror show. Could you imagine me trying to simper? How about flutter my lashes?”

  I fought my urge to laugh at the thought of me attempting to simper or flutter my lashes at some man. I might be tempted to test it on one of my brothers to witness the chaos and horror.

  “Are you capable of anything as delicate as a simper?” Sebastian asked, his tone sliding from annoyed to intrigued. “I’ve seen pictures of where you plastered on enough makeup to make your mother cry, but you were always covered in blood and growling. You really need to work on that. You have this tendency of going to the CDC while dressed like a lady but acting rather crudely. The makeup might work better if you aren’t wearing blood along with your makeup. Frankly, don’t bother with the makeup. That would probably help some.”

  “You’re just wondering how a body as hot as mine can sport a mouth so filthy you cringe whenever I open it.”

  “That wasn’t quite what I was aiming for, but you do somehow manage to piss me off when you start talking for some reason.”

  “It’s not my fault you have a nice roar. It’s also not my fault you make it so damned easy t
o earn one of those roars. It absolutely is your fault you bristle so nicely. If you didn’t want a cat toying with you, you wouldn’t make it so much fun, Sumners. Now you’re stuck with me, and you only have yourself to blame for that. Personally, my work life has gotten so much better since you called me. Yours? Yours sucks, and I’d feel sorry for you, but one of us is happy. That one of us is me. I’m happy. As a fellow feline, you should be well aware of the superiority of cats, and lynxes are so much better than lions. As I am the best of cat species, I deserve a lion. It’s good to tame the second best in the cat world. Or are lions third best? Tigers are pretty amazing. What do you think, Mr. Mane?”

  “Lions are far superior to tigers.”

  “Spoken like a true lion.” I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel of my father’s truck. “What do you think the male lynx father of a bazillion children but only one daughter would do to a filthy lion scented near his only daughter?”

  “Murder comes to mind. That tends to be what lycanthrope fathers do to males who come near their daughters without their permission.”

  I heaved a sigh. “But I don’t want my father to kill you. If you’re dead, you can’t roar for me, Sumners. This is important to me. Pissing you off and making you roar is one of my joys in life.”

  “Once the daughter is happily mated, the fathers tend to only beat a little rather than attempt murder,” he replied. “This is a well-established fact about lycanthrope males, accepted as a hazard of picking a lycanthrope female rather than a human woman. As there are so few single lycanthrope females, most convince a human woman to settle down and accept the virus, as your brothers will do because you’re the only single female lycanthrope lynx alive.”

  “Lynxes can be happily mated?” I frowned. “But there’s so much fighting. Also, I’m an endangered species, and this sucks.”

  “But is your mother happily fighting?”

  Oh. Right. “Yeah, okay. That is an accurate statement. She joyously fights with my father, which is why she’s pregnant with yet another litter.”