Ian rose to his feet with Lily still cradled in his arms. “Tonight and tomorrow. I have no intentions of wasting a single moment of the time we have left, my love.” Lily decided not to argue with him about his health, but he did manage to prove to their mutual satisfaction that he was feeling much better…and better…and better.
* * * *
Bright and early Monday, Dan answered the familiar knock on the door with his normal morning cheer. “Greetings and salutations, you two. Coffee’s on, come in.” Upon arriving, Lily headed off to the kitchen, chattering animatedly with Meg. Ian flopped down on the couch, staring straight ahead at the TV.
“So what’s going on?” asked Dan, taking a seat beside him.
Ian shrugged. “I’m going back to work tomorrow. I’ve taken enough of a holiday, I think.”
“Are you well enough to go back?”
“Well enough,” Ian echoed absently.
Daniel studied his best friend of many years. “Now what’s the rest of what’s going on?” he asked.
Ian looked down at his hands. “She’s moving back into that fucking apartment. Don’t laugh,” he mumbled, his voice brittle. “I don’t think I could stand it.”
Dan wasn’t about to laugh; his friend looked as miserable as he had ever seen him. “You asked her to move in with you and she said no,” he said. When Ian nodded he added, “You know, the very thing that’s making you miserable now is the same thing that makes Lily different from all the other women.” It was one of the hardest things he had ever done, but Dan managed to keep the corners of his lips from turning up in a smile. “She’s holding out for marriage and you’re just going to have to accept that.”
Ian’s head snapped up. “No, I don’t. We’ll just continue on like we were before all this started. Getting married just isn’t something in my future right now and she’s just going to have to get her head ‘round that.” He nodded once. “It’s as simple as that. If she wants me, she’ll have to take me as I am. Period.”
Dan tugged on his beard. “I don’t even think you believe that load of shite. You’re not going to win this one.”
Ian leapt to his feet. “You’re talking out your arse, Danny. You don’t know–”
Dan began to laugh. “Sit down. I’m not your enemy,” he ordered, waving him down again. Ian gave him a fierce scowl, but relented and sat in a mortally offended huff.
“That’s better,” Dan said. “Now here’s a secret for you–the woman who won’t capitulate to your demands is the one worth marrying. Take me and your sister, for example. Do you think me any less of a man because she makes decisions for me sometimes? Love means once in a while you have to do it her way. Believe me, it’s not as bad as it sounds, and the perks can be pretty nice.” He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.
Ian rolled his eyes and sighed. “I can’t hear this, Dan.”
* * * *
In the kitchen, it was decided that Lily would start work the following morning. The talk then turned to living arrangements. “You told him no?” Meg gasped and set her coffee mug down with a noisy clunk. “Whatever did he say?”
Lily recounted the whole conversation. “I get the impression he’s kinda commitment shy,” she said.
Meg nodded. “You got that pegged right, dear. Between me and you, there’s been a couple of women that have tried every trick in the book to get themselves married off to him, but every time they’d tighten the noose, he’d cut and run…” she bit her lip then started again. “The big difference here, though, is he never loved them and I truly, with all my heart, believe he loves you. He’s let you get in close, sweetie, and that’s a first. You’ve got him scared to death, in case you didn’t know it.”
She took a sip of her coffee and waved her hand toward the other room. “He’ll come around, darlin’, just give him time. Take my Dan in there. When I told him we were getting married, he went completely off his nut, carrying on like the whole bloody world was coming to an end. Then he decided maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing, and then all of a sudden it was his big idea all along.” Both women laughed and Meg patted Lily’s hand. “Just give him some time and a little room. He’ll sort himself out quick enough.”
The men walked into the kitchen for a cup of the freshly brewed coffee, and Ian glared daggers at his sister. “We need to have a wee chat, you and me. Do you have any idea what kind of message our mother left on my voice mail? That was a truly mortifying thing to be subjected to, especially with company present that wouldn’t allow me to turn it off.” He shot a reproving look at Lily, who giggled in response. “Kindly leave me out of your future discussions,” he said, his tone haughty.
“Pompous git,” Meg snapped back. “We barely talked about you. She did ask if you’d gotten your hair cut, though.”
“Humph,” he snorted and in a more civil tone said, “We had Thanksgiving dinner at Lily’s parents last Thursday. The food was amazing.” And just like that, all the tension in the room dissipated like smoke. Soon, Ian took Lily’s hand and bid Dan and Meg goodbye, promising to see them in the morning.
* * * *
“I want you to do something for me,” Lily said as they made their way to his apartment.
“I want you to do something for me but I’m not getting a hell of a lot of cooperation,” Ian muttered darkly. “What is it you’re wanting?”
She gave him an grin. “Teach me to speak Irish.”
“The best way to learn is to live with someone who won’t speak English,” he said eagerly. “I could do that for you, you know. I mean, is feidir liom–”
“Nice try. Your grandmother didn’t speak English at all?” she said, taking his hand.
He nodded. “She did well enough, she just chose not to. When I was a wee lad, she told my parents she was getting on and needed a helper during the summers.” He smiled. “What she was really looking for was an apprentice. Grandmother was a cailleach. There’s an Irish word for you, it means witch.”
“A witch? A real, live witch?” Lily gasped in mock horror.
Throwing an arm around her shoulders, he gave her a playful tickle. “She taught me what she knew, tarot cards, spells, what herb does what and such,” he explained. “I didn’t understand at first, but when I got older I figured out why she got visitors at all hours of the day and night.”
“So you know all about love spells then,” Lily said, pursing her lips. “Did you use one on me?”
“How else could I ever have gotten your attention, my beauty?” he teased. Sucking in a deep breath, he looked away. “There was a night you said something in Irish to me. Do you remember what it was?”
She thought for a moment then gave him a smile. “Mo anum cara.”
“Yes,” he said, swallowing hard. “Where’d you learn that? Do you know what it means?”
“I think it means something like my soul mate. I found it on…the internet.”
Ian spoke so quietly she almost didn’t hear his whispered words. “Did you mean it?”
She stopped walking and turned to look at him. “Yes, my sweetheart,” Lily whispered. “I do.” She turned and began walking again, and he stepped quickly to catch up to her, catching her hand in his. Neither spoke, and for Lily nothing more needed to be said.
They decided to spend their last free day at the beach. Walking arm in arm along the shoreline, they watched the gulls wheel and scold in the overcast November sky. Lily spied a tiny rolling cafe that sold cinnamony churros and steaming mugs of hot chocolate. They shared one, sipping from the same spot on the Styrofoam cup with the ceremony of newlyweds sharing a silver chalice. When the muted sun dipped low on the horizon, they watched it set then headed for home.
At the apartment, Lily shook out her tangled tresses. “I’m going to need a shower to get my hair straightened out again,” she said, frowning at a stubborn knot.
Ian’s look gave away his intentions. “Will milady require help with those hard to reach places?”
Affecting a lofty accent, Lil
y tilted her nose up and replied, “Yes, I rather think I shall.”
Ian couldn’t suppress his delight. He whooped, grabbed her up in his arms and loped toward the shower with his bounty. He lowered her playfully kicking feet to the floor and turned on the water then proceeded to undress her piece by piece. When she stood naked before him, he stripped and maneuvered her, giggling and squealing, into the shower.
By the time they emerged, the entire bathroom was full of steam, and every inch of their bodies had been scrubbed, to their mutual delight. Lily dried him quickly, but when it was his turn his movements slowed and Lily glanced up to meet his eyes. The amusement gone, Ian’s face was serious. Starting with her hair, he blotted the drops of water with soft, deliberate movements. “I’m preparing my canvas,” he explained. He tossed the towel aside and carried her to the bed. With an unhurried gentleness that belied his raging passion, he laid her down, his hand behind her head as he cradled her in his arms.
He spent the next hour covering her with kisses–fierce, demanding kisses, teasing, playful kisses, and kisses so sweet, love filled her heart to near bursting. He worshiped every part of her body from her forehead down to her toes. He turned her over onto her stomach and laid a path of gentle, open-mouthed kisses along her back and spine that melted her very bones. He played her body like a master bard would play his beloved harp, plucking and caressing her strings, wringing sound and emotion from her as she lay willing beneath his skilled touch.
****
…you are mine and no others…
She gazed up in wonder at him as he captured her lips with his own. When he had wrung every last shuddering sigh and tremor from her willing body, he rolled her beneath him and with one slow smooth, gliding motion enveloped himself. He sighed in sheer ecstasy, and clung to her so tightly, neither could move.
“I love you,” Ian whispered against her ear, “mo anum cara.”
“Yes, I am,” Lily breathed, “and you are mine, beloved.”
Ian buried his face in her fragrant wet hair and began to move against her. She caught his rhythm and moved in counterpoint.”Do you feel it, darlin’?” he whispered against her ear. “Every single time I’m inside you… I keep thinking it can’t get any better and it always does…such a spell you’ve woven over me.”
Lily couldn’t answer; she only moaned and held him closer. Ian felt the tiny ripples of her muscles tightening around him begin and gave himself up to be swept away with her in the currents of pleasure.
. They exchanged soft kisses and whispered words of love until they drifted to the edge of sleep, Lily lying half atop him, her knee wedged between his heavy thighs. His arms were wrapped around her waist, holding her close enough for her to feel his heart beating against hers. She gave a purr of contentment and he smiled in the darkness. It’s a fait accompli. There’s no way she’ll leave me now.
28
He knew she was gone before he even opened his eyes. The vast apartment felt cold and lifeless. Its emptiness crashed over him in waves. He grabbed her pillow and buried his face in it to engulf himself in her scent. It hurt him so fiercely that for a moment he was afraid the pain wouldn’t kill him and he’d be forced to endure it. Stretching his legs, long toes found a little spot still warm at the foot of the bed. Bella, he realized, you’ve left me too.
We’ll just continue on like we were before all this started. The memory of his voice returned to mock him as he laid motionless, hoping sleep would reclaim him. When it did not, he rose to take a shower, but the hot water coursing over his naked body made him think of Lily’s gentle touch on his wet skin and he swore loudly at his sudden and intense arousal. He stood with his forehead pressed to the cold tiles, eyes clenched shut as he fought back...what? Fear. Loneliness. Get a fucking grip, he admonished himself.
He dressed quickly and forced himself to try to eat, but after only two bites of dry toast knew he wasn’t going to be able to keep any food down. “She’ll just have to take me as I am. Period.” What a great fucking fool you are, he thought miserably, then pulled on his boots and left for work.
* * * *
Lily freely admitted to herself that she was, in fact, a coward. More ashamed at herself than she had ever been, she’d known she wouldn’t be able to look Ian in the eye, say goodbye and leave the apartment without dissolving into a gooey puddle of tears. As it was, she’d cried all the way to her apartment. Now alone and lying face down on her suddenly too small bed, the tears were flowing again and showed no signs of stopping.
Bella wasn’t much help either, pacing from room to room and caterwauling in what Lily was certain was an accusatory tone. She pulled a tarot card from her bag, desperate for something–anything–to make her feel less empty. Just give me a sign, she begged. Show me I did the right thing,
Death.
She cringed. It just means change, she reminded herself, and nothing ever gets better unless something changes first. Lily glanced up at the clock and reluctantly began to dress for her first day of work in the Castle office. If he truly loves me, then he’ll want to marry me to have me back with him. She bit her lower lip when the little voice inside her wailed but what if he doesn’t?
* * * *
Ian was met with a round of applause and cheers when he arrived at work and although he smiled woodenly in acknowledgment, it didn’t do much to help his churning insides. He threw himself into his work, reviewing what had been completed, delegating what work still remained. Throughout the morning, he caught himself glancing in the direction of the office. By noon, his need to see Lily overcame his pride, and he headed there with purposeful strides. He paused in front of the door and took a deep breath before yanking it open. .
Meg sat behind the big desk going through purchase orders. “Welcome back!” she exclaimed, Mumbling a greeting, he grabbed a soda out of the refrigerator and looked casually into the other rooms.
“She’s not here,” Meg answered his unspoken question. “I sent her over to wardrobe with some requisition forms.”
His shoulders slumped in disappointment before he could steel himself not to react. “I wasn’t…”
“If it helps your feelings any, she’s as wretched as you, dearthairin mo chroi,” she added gently.
Ignoring the endearment, Ian drained his soda, tossed the can into the bin, and gave his sister a hard look. “I’m not wretched,” he snapped, “I’m just grand.” As he turned to leave, the front door opened and Lily walked in. They froze when they saw each other.
Lily broke into a tentative smile. “Hi, sweetheart,” she said.
“Lily,” he nodded. Without another word, he stalked past her and out the door.
* * * *
Ian didn’t go back to the office for the remainder of the week and Lily’s phone calls and texts went unanswered. By Saturday morning, Meg had had her fill of the ongoing drama. In high dudgeon, she stomped over to Ian’s apartment, alternately ringing the bell and pounding on the door until he was forced to answer it.
When Ian finally flung the door open, Meg was shocked. He was pale and drawn, dark circles under his haunted eyes. “What d’you want, Meghan.” He sighed, moved aside to let her enter.
She gasped at the state of the usually immaculate apartment – clothes everywhere, chairs overturned, books lying strewn on the floor. She whirled around. “What the hell is going on?” she demanded. “It’s a mess in here. You’re a mess. Have you looked at yourself?”
“I’m so glad we had this little chat,” he said in a low snarl, “now if you just came over to bitch, you can turn right round and go back home.”
Meg softened at once. “I’m sorry. I’m worried for you. You look terrible. You’re not sleeping, I can tell.”
“Don’t worry about me. I’m grand,” he spat the words out, “just grand. I need a drink.” He turned and disappeared into the kitchen. Following close, Meg whistled softly at the shambles in there. Empty whisky and wine bottles and glasses littered the counter, and there was broken glass on the
floor near the wall where one or more of the containers had met its untimely demise.
Meg’s gaze flickered over the overflowing trash can and saw nothing but more bottles, no empty take away boxes or anything else to indicate he was eating. “Let me fix you something to eat,” she soothed, “you don’t want to end up back at the hospital.”
He shook his head and walked out of the kitchen. She followed, and grabbing his arm said, “Lily tells me you’re not returning her calls.”
Ian shook loose from her grasp. “I don’t have anything to say. I said it all the night before she left me and it wasn’t enough.”
“Ian, please. You’re making yourself sick over this. She did not leave you,” Meg insisted.
His reaction was both immediate and fierce. “She did leave me!” he roared. “She got up and left me before I woke up.”
“Just listen–”
“No, you listen!” he yelled, “Can you not understand? I can’t give her what she wants. I don’t know if I’m even capable of being who she needs me to be. She’s waiting for some shining knight to ride in and take her away from all this.” He swept his arm out. “I’m not that guy, Meg. I’m selfish and I’m spoiled and I’m a right bastard most of the time and she deserves better.”
Meg took a long, hard look at her younger brother, “She’s been crying her eyes out all week and when she’s not crying, she’s muttering under her breath about how bad you need killing for being so stupid. She loves you,” she said quietly,
Ian let out a bark of sarcastic laughter. “Interesting way of showing it,” he snapped, “but I’m done talking about this. Was there something else you wanted?”
“No, but I–”
“Best you go, then.” Ian strode to the door and held it open for her, his gaze not meeting hers. “I got things to do.”
Holding her head high, she walked past him on her way out. “You make it real hard to care about you sometimes,” she muttered.
“Maybe I’d be better off,” he said, still refusing to meet her eyes. She opened her mouth to speak, but he cut her off with a curt “Discussion’s over.”
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