“I guess…my freedom. When I’m flying, I’m above all the crap that I carry around with me. Up there—” she pointed toward the ceiling of the cave “—I’m in the arms of the sky.”
“Maybe an invisible, loving mother of sorts?”
She stared at Kell for a long moment. He was extremely intelligent, able to put seemingly disparate pieces together and make them fit like a completed puzzle. “I never thought of that way, but yes. I always feel protected up there, guarded, maybe.” She’d just walked away from a helo crash that should have killed her. Kell had been her guardian angel this time around.
“Without a mother to hold you,” Kell said, “you probably didn’t get a lot of that maternal nurturing we all need as kids growing up.”
“I’ve thought about that, too. Maybe that’s why I love going out into the Afghan villages, bringing clothing and shoes to the kids. I work with a local charity that is run by a husband-and-wife team, Emma and Khalid Shaheen. Both were Apache pilots and then Emma got kidnapped by the Taliban. She was injured and received nerve damage to her left hand. The Army doesn’t let you fly if you don’t have feeling in all ten fingers. But when Emma married Khalid, she got to fly his charity’s helicopter, a CH-47. A year ago, when my squadron was at Bagram, I took my off days and flew with Emma.”
“You like kids?”
“Just a little.” Leah smiled, tipping her head back against the wall. “Before we lost Evan, I loved taking care of him. I spoiled him rotten.” She laughed softly, a warm, good feeling flowing through her. “Kids should be spoiled with love.”
“Evan will always own a piece of your heart.”
“One of the good parts,” Leah agreed quietly. “The rest of my heart feels like it’s been cut up and buried.”
“Because of your marriage?” Kell knew he was getting into dangerous territory, but he wanted to understand her ex-husband. He saw her give him a grim look and her lips thinned as if she was weighing whether to say anything or not.
“Let’s just say I had lousy taste when it came to choosing a husband.”
Kell looked at his watch. “Time to go to bed.” It was a piece of information about Hayden Grant. Maybe, in time, Leah would trust him with the rest of the story, but he wouldn’t push her. As a sniper, he could look at a lawn and tell which blades of grass had been moved by an animal or a human. In the same way, Leah was giving him tiny signs and in his mind he was putting them together. Eventually, a pattern would emerge and he’d see the whole picture. He wanted to know because he had feelings for Leah. No one was more surprised than Kell. He wasn’t looking for a woman. Sex with the right woman? Yes. But as he pushed off his boots and got comfortable, he wouldn’t lie to himself. His heart was involved in this equation. What was he going to do?
As he made sure Leah was settled in for the night before turning off the light, Ballard sensed, or maybe intuited, she liked him just as much. They were two planets on a collision course with one another that could never have a happy ending.
*
THE NIGHTMARE STARTED insidiously for Leah. She and Hayden were camping out in the hills of Georgia; something he liked to do. It was August, the humidity high, the mosquitoes pestering her nonstop. Hayden was in a bad mood. Her father had been busy reviewing the fitness reports for every officer. Hayden was a captain and he wanted early major in rank. He was worried her father wouldn’t give him the marks he needed to make that early rank. He was busy building a fire, throwing heavier limbs on it, the smoke billowing up through the dense pine forest surrounding them.
“You need to talk to your father,” he growled. “I need a perfect score on this next fitness report.”
Leah’s hands shook as she began unpacking the food from the cardboard box sitting in the rear of their SUV. “If I say anything, Hayden, he’ll suspect you put me up to it. You know that.”
She hated these conversations. Assessments came every six months, and officers and enlisted persons alike were given a score. Those that had the highest grades would automatically be put up for early-promotion consideration. This was the first time Hayden could be put up for it by her father, the squadron commander.
“You have to say something,” he ground out, standing, wiping his hands off on his jeans. He glared at her. “Figure out a diplomatic way, Leah, but get it done, dammit!”
She winced as he cursed. Hayden was building into one of his rages and it scared her to death. She dropped the bread on the ground, then quickly picked it up. Breathing unevenly, her mind awash with fear of what he might do, she said, “I’ll talk to him.”
He walked over and stood beside her. He was six feet tall. She was five feet seven inches tall. Staring down at her, he jerked her hair back, hard. “Monday. When we get back. Take him to lunch.”
“Ow!” Leah cried, her scalp radiating pain. Her hand had gone up to the side of her head. “Stop hurting me, Hayden! You don’t have to worry, I’ll talk to my father.”
*
“LEAH! WAKE UP!” Kell dodged her fist and it landed hard against his chest, a lot of power behind her swing. She’d screamed and scared the hell out of him, jerking him out of his sleep. Worse, if there were Taliban nearby, they’d have heard it.
Gripping her arm, Ballard gave her a small shake. “Leah! Wake up. It’s just a dream!” He saw her face twisted and contorted, her mouth opened to scream again. What the hell kind of nightmares was she having to make her twist and buck against him? He had knelt down, dodging her flailing fist. It was lucky for him her other arm was in a sling or he’d have been in trouble.
“Sugar. Come on. It’s Kell. You’re safe. No one is attacking you…”
Kell’s voice broke through her nightmare and Leah snapped awake. Her eyes widened enormously as she sucked in ragged gasps of air. Kell’s darkly shadowed face was so close. His eyes narrowed, filled with urgent concern. She felt his one hand on her shoulders, the other carefully holding her right wrist. With a groan, she pushed him away. He instantly released her.
Sweaty, shaking, Leah pushed herself up into a sitting position. Kell sat back on his heels, guardedly watching her.
Rubbing her face, her hands trembling, Leah muttered, “I’m sorry…I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to hit you…” She couldn’t tear Hayden’s glare out of her mind, the one from after she’d struck him in the face. That time, she wasn’t raped. How many times had he done it to her over the years? She’d lost count.
“Do you want some water?” Kell asked her quietly, watching her hide her face behind her trembling hand. He could feel she was embarrassed and he wanted to give her some room.
“P-please.”
“Be right back.” He got up and walked over to his ruck near his sleeping bag.
She couldn’t cry! She had stopped crying years ago. No help had ever come. Leah had felt something precious break inside her soul once she realized there was no way out of that nightmare marriage to Hayden. Scrubbing her face, Leah forced all the tears deep down inside herself.
Kell knelt at her side, opening the bottle. “Here,” he offered her quietly, holding it out toward her.
Leah slid her shaking hand around it and drank deeply. Her throat hurt. She couldn’t look at Kell. She was too ashamed. Finally, she stopped drinking and gripped the bottle in her lap, hands white-knuckled. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”
Kell moved his hand lightly across her hair. “Do you have these nightmares often?” He was thinking maybe the crash was resurrecting a lot of ugly events in her life, replaying them now, one after another. He saw the agony in her eyes as she looked over at him.
“Not like this,” Leah quavered. “Maybe once a month.” Rubbing her aching brow, she tried to draw in a deep breath. Her heart was skipping so hard, she felt like she might have a heart attack.
Resting his hand on her right shoulder, Kell said, “It’s probably because of the crash. You could have died in it. That sort of thing can raise all kinds of monsters we hide from ourselves.”
“Monster
is the right word,” Leah rasped unsteadily. She gave him an apologetic look. “You need your sleep, Kell. You’re working twelve hours or more as a sniper every day.” She swallowed hard. “Maybe I should move my bed into the other cave. At least you’ll get some undisturbed sleep that way.”
“That’s not happening.” He saw her eyes turn sad. Kell sensed such deep grief within her, but he couldn’t plumb it with just his senses. Whatever it was, it was tragic. He wanted to hold Leah but he could tell she was tense, as if struggling to contain all those runaway terrors. She was trying to stuff them way back down into herself once again. Kell wasn’t going to force her into his arms. If she didn’t come of her own volition, he couldn’t help. Leah didn’t know that, though. “I wake up so many times a night,” he told her sincerely, catching her downcast eyes. “SEALs don’t sleep like regular folks. We catnap for five, maybe ten minutes, and then we snap fully awake. And then, we go back into a catnapping cycle again.” He gave her a small smile meant to make her feel better. “No harm, no foul. Okay?”
“Okay,” she whispered brokenly, feeling as if she were falling apart.
“Why don’t you lie down? I’ll get the blanket and cover you up with it.”
Leah nodded and whispered her thanks, lying on her right side. She felt him cover her with it, gently tucking it in around her hunched shoulders like a mother might for a child. Shutting her eyes tightly, biting back a sob, she realized Kell’s touch was stunningly different from Hayden’s. She’d been such a coward. Looking back on that three-year marriage, Leah knew she should have gone to her father. But even now, she wasn’t sure he’d believe her. He still thought of Hayden as the son he’d lost, Leah thought bitterly. Hayden replaced Evan in her father’s world. And Hayden wanted to show him he could one day replace him as commander when he retired.
She heard Kell lie down, the cave going to blackness once more as he turned off the small penlight. The darkness hid her and maybe that was a good thing. Leah figured Kell telling her that Hayden had demanded her immediate return had probably brought up their sordid past. Pushing her face into the scratchy wool blanket, she was so glad Kell had told him no. Leah never wanted to see Hayden again face-to-face. She wasn’t sure what she’d do, there was so much rage built up inside of her from three years of being beaten and raped by him.
She had five more days, possibly, before they had to leave this cave. Hayden couldn’t hang around Bravo forever; he had a squadron to run at Bagram.
Leah prayed he wouldn’t be there once they were picked up by helicopter. She wanted to leave her past behind her.
CHAPTER FIVE
KELL MOVED SILENTLY down the long tunnel enclosed in complete darkness. He’d made this trip so many times, he didn’t need any light. His hearing was keyed for any slight change of sounds from what he knew to be normal.
His heart was pounding hard. He’d been jogging for two miles from his hide back to the cave complex. His heart yearned for Leah. No matter what he tried to do, Kell couldn’t get her out of his mind, his heart or his body. Damn, but the woman attracted him.
He held the Win-Mag easily in his right hand, beginning the ascent that would take him home. To her. He was late by two hours and he hoped Leah hadn’t worried. Being a sniper wasn’t a nine-to-five job.
As he approached the cave, he saw a very faint light, indicating she had a penlight on. His nostrils flared and he could smell an MRE that she was eating. Spaghetti. Grinning to himself, he rounded the entrance and found her standing, alert, watchful. Had she heard him? And then, with a jolt, he realized she was dressed in one of his clean, tan T-shirts and a pair of his cammie trousers. The long legs of his trousers had been rolled up to her ankles. Halting, Kell took off his damp boonie cap.
“Looks like you raided my fashionable-clothes closet,” he teased, coming forward. Kell saw that Leah had bathed. His gaze missed nothing. She had taken the sling off, too. Even in the shadows, he could tell she was stronger, a confident look gleaming in her eyes.
“Guilty.” She pointed to her flight suit that she’d washed and was drying on a rock near the pool. “It should be dry by tomorrow morning.” Leah felt her pulse rise as Kell moved like a silent shadow toward the rear of the cave where she stood. “Is everything okay?”
Hearing the worry in her tone, he set the sniper rifle against the wall, got out of his H-gear and set everything near his sleeping bag. “Yes. Sorry I’m late. No way to contact you.” Kell glanced over at her, his gaze automatically falling on her lips. What would it be like to touch that mouth of hers? If he kissed Leah, would she respond? Or push him away? His gaze went to her eyes. He could see she looked much better.
“I was worried,” Leah admitted. “I got out an MRE for you. Are you hungry?”
Kell straightened, rolling his shoulders, getting rid of the tension in them. “Yeah, I’m a starving cow brute. You’ve been busy,” he commented, giving her a grin. “Place looks clean as a whistle.” He gestured around the area.
Pleased he’d noticed, Leah stepped forward, handing him the MRE. When their fingers briefly touched, she felt a powerful yearning radiate outward within her heart. A burning in her lower body went from simmer to boil.
The look in his eyes changed, grew turbulent as their fingers met. Kell felt it, too—an invisible magic that seemed to exist between them. Shaken, Leah stepped back, unsure of herself, not him.
She sat back down on her sleeping bag, drawing up her knees and placing her arms around them. “I feel pretty much back to normal,” she told him as he sat down. Kell looked tired. Leah could see the strain by the way his skin stretched across his cheekbones. “Wish I could do more. You look whipped.” And of course, she’d awakened him last night, causing him more loss of sleep. It wasn’t a good thing and Leah knew it.
“Tough day at the office,” he said, eating hungrily. “The assault’s underway. I was on the sat phone with the master chief just before dark, giving him more intel on what’s coming over the border. There’s been nothing but clashes going on down in the valley area all day long.”
“So, you were very busy.” She knew snipers often were the eyes and ears for high command, so that timely decisions could be made. They were a very important force multiplier tool out in a constantly changing war like this.
“Very. I wasn’t bored.” Kell lifted his head and grinned over at her. “Did you get the note I left you?”
“I did. That was so sweet to leave me candy.” Leah smiled into his dark eyes that burned with a look that sent fire streaking through her. “I loved the M&M’s. Thank you.”
Shrugging, he said between bites, “I figured you could use a lift. Chocolate does it for me and I was hoping it would do it for you, too.” Well, it did only so much for him. Kell’s desire for Leah was so damned urgent and constant, no amount of chocolate would douse the fire in his groin or the need for her growing in his heart.
“It was wonderful,” she admitted softly. “And thoughtful of you.” She saw him nod, those stormy gray eyes of his making her feel desired. Leah forced herself to quit watching his lips move as he ate. Kell’s mouth was chiseled and somehow, Leah sensed he’d be an incredible kisser. Groaning to herself, she felt sensitized to his gaze. Even her breasts were tightening beneath his too-large T-shirt. She’d washed her cotton bra, too, but it was still damp.
Keeping her arms across her breasts stopped her nipples from standing out from the fabric. Now, she wished she’d put on the damp bra.
Kell put the MRE aside, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “What else did you do today?” He saw she was protecting her breasts, understanding her only bra was hanging off another rock near the pool. Forcing himself to keep his eyes above her neck, he had no desire to make her feel uncomfortable.
Leah gestured toward the other cave. “After I got clean in the pool, I went looking for something to wear,” she admitted. “I found your clothes thrown all over the place. That cave was a mess, so I spent part of the day just folding clothes an
d organizing a few things.”
“Bored, eh?” Kell chuckled. Getting up, he said, “Let’s go take a look.” Leah stood and joined him. He watched her walk. “No more dizziness?”
“None, thank goodness,” she murmured, walking at his side. He was so tall she felt somewhat dwarfed by his size, the breadth of his shoulders and chest. He moved without a sound and she was always impressed by his silence.
“And your left arm?” he asked, rounding the corner.
“Okay. Sore and tender. I really missed using my arm.” She held it up, moving her fingers. “It feels pretty good today, thanks to you.”
Kell halted inside the cave and flashed the penlight around. “Amazing,” he murmured. “You moved a lot of stuff around.” He had used this cave off and on over the years and he had to admit he wasn’t exactly organized. At least, not like now. The woman knew how to get things done and done right.
“You okay with it?” Leah asked, feeling trepidation. Hayden hated her moving anything around. He wanted everything in a very specific place. If she moved it, he flew into a rage. He was a total control freak. A fanatic.
“Sure ’nuff,” Kell murmured. “I like what you’ve done. I can see the MREs are all in one place, the boxes of water in another. Makes it easier to find them than in the mess I had.” He chuckled. Looking down at her, Kell said, “Makes me wonder what you’ll do for an encore tomorrow while I’m gone.”
“Not much,” Leah said wryly, following him to the other cave.
“Uh-oh,” Kell teased, placing the penlight between their beds, “I can tell you’re getting restless.”
She sat down, legs crossed, facing him. Kell joined her and took off his boots. “For sure. Are you going to get washed up?”
“Yes, my skin’s crawling with that fine dirt. Drives me up a wall.” He pulled off his sweat-soaked socks and put each one on a small rock outcropping to dry. “I’ve gotten spoiled having this place to land. Sometimes, I’d be out on a sniper op for two or three weeks, never getting a chance to get one shower. That’s when the baby wipes I always carry in my ruck come in handy.”
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