by Ruskin Bond
101 Failed Omelettes might well be the title of my bestseller.
I love watching other people cook-a habit that I acquired at a young age, when I would watch my Granny at work in the kitchen, turning out delicious curries, koftas and custards. I would try helping her, but she soon put a stop to my feeble contributions. On one occasion she asked me to add a cup of spices to a large curry dish she was preparing, and absentmindedly I added a cup of sugar. The result—a very sweet curry! Another invention of mine.
I was better at remembering Granny’s kitchen proverbs. Here are some of them:
‘There is skill in all things, even in making porridge.’
‘Dry bread at home is better then curried prawns abroad.’
‘Eating and drinking should not keep men from thinking.’
‘Better a small fish than an empty dish.’
And her favourite maxim, with which she reprimanded me whenever I showed signs of gluttony: ‘Don’t let your tongue cut your throat.’
And as for making porridge, it’s certainly no simple matter. I made one or two attempts, but it always came out lumpy. ‘What’s this?’ asked Gautam suspiciously, when I offered him some.
‘Porridge!’ I said enthusiastically. ‘It’s eaten by those brave Scottish Highlanders who were always fighting the English!’
‘And did they win?’ he asked.
‘Well—er—not usually But they were outnumbered!’
He looked doubtfully at the porridge. ‘Some other time,’ he said.
So why not take the advice of Thoreau and try to simplify life? Simplify, simplify! Or simply sandwiches…
These shouldn’t be too difficult, I decided. After all, they are basically bread and butter. But have you tried cutting bread into thin slices? Don’t. It’s highly dangerous. If you’re a pianist, you could be putting your career at great risk.
You must get your bread ready sliced. Butter it generously. Now add your fillings. Cheese, tomato, lettuce, cucumber, whatever. Gosh, I was really going places! Slap another slice of buttered bread over this mouth-watering assemblage. Now cut in two. Result: Everything spills out at the sides and on to the tablecloth.
‘Now look what you’ve gone and done,’ says Gautam, in his best Oliver Hardy manner.
‘Never mind,’ I tell him. ‘Practice makes perfect!’
And one of these days you’re going to find Bond’s Book of Better Sandwiches up there on the bestseller lists.