“You look like a young woman now,” she said, her eyes welling up. From beside the fire she grabbed a heavy, nubbly blue cardigan. “Here,” she said, handing it to a shivering Fi. “I know it’s not the right accessory,” she joked, “but it will keep you warm.” Leading her by the hand, Maggie pulled Fi back into the dining room. “I’m stealing her for a moment,” Maggie told the rest of the Family. “This beautiful girl needs to see herself.” Fi walked behind her with her hand over her eyes as Maggie instructed.
“Ok,” Maggie breathed, “Open your eyes.” Fi opened her eyes and then gasped. Maggie had led her to stand before the large horizontal mirror opposite the windows. Her expression made Maggie chuckle. “When was the last time you even looked into the mirror my lovie?” Fi thought about it and realized that she couldn’t really remember.
“I don’t think I have since the first month that we lived here,” she admitted, still shocked that the reflection in the mirror formed the words as she spoke them. The girl in the mirror couldn’t possibly be her, Fi thought, turning and watching the reflection turn with her. Even in the hazy light she could see that the dress did indeed look lovely on her. She shed the sweater, Maggie holding it for her so she could admire herself.
Her hair had grown very long. She hadn’t cut it since they’d escaped in the spring. It cascaded over her shoulders in long coppery coils, the shorter pieces curling into chin length springs around her face. Examining her reflection, she realized that the most pronounced difference was in her body. When she’d had to add a belt to her cargo pants to keep them on, she knew that she was dropping weight. Though she hadn’t been a curvy girl to begin with, she was not thrilled to be stick thin. She sighed.
“Mama, there was a time when I thought it would be great to be this thin,” she half-joked. “Now I wish I filled out the dress the way it was cut.” Maggie nodded, helping Fi to put the sweater back on.
“Well, it suits you Fi,” she said. “It’s the color, it lights up your eyes and makes them look green,” she said, peering closely at Fi’s face. “You look wonderful to me.” Fi knew that was true. And she knew that she looked better than she ever did in her outdoor and military clothes. Ugh, she must really look like a boy in that stuff, she thought with chagrin. Fi returned to the warm living room and sat by the fireplace. Kiara moved from her spot on the other side of the fire and came to sit next to her. Her eyes were wide.
“What is it baby? What’s wrong?” Fi asked, suddenly concerned.
“You look like a princess Fi.” Her tone was reverent and Fi laughed, her concern alleviated.
“A barefoot princess in a cardigan sweater,” she joked, but Kiara would not be discouraged.
“Zoe thinks so too, don’t you Zo?” Kiara asked, leaning out from her perch to peer around Aliyah. Fi leaned out too and saw Zoe nod. Suddenly a frigid breeze blew through the room.
“I have to agree Fi,” Sean said, the cold pouring off of his clothes. “You definitely look like a princess.” His grin widened as he stared at her. His expression was so intense, Fi thought, suddenly uncomfortable. Shivering, she pulled the sweater back onto her shoulders and turned her cold half to face the heat.
The return of the men served as the official start to the party. Sean had snared two squirrels and had even found the stash of nuts one had hidden. Both were a welcome source of fat. Aliyah quickly broke down the squirrels and the pine that Sean brought to add to the broth she already had simmering with venison jerky. Ensuring that they got some green vegetable with their meal, she opened one can of peas to add to the broth as well. After a few minutes, the room filled with a wonderful smell as the squirrel began to cook. Fi’s stomach growled and everyone grew excited to eat.
Birthdays were given an exemption from the Food Rules, so long as the Family had enough to eat. They all shared a taste of the squirrel and venison stew. At the end of the meal John and Lucy ceremoniously opened a can of fruit and everyone sang to Fi and then split it. It made for only one tiny sweet morsel, but it was wonderful. Since they’d run out of their dried apples and winter had claimed all the berries, fruit had become a difficult commodity to find.
Rachel provided the entertainment, singing songs by request for an hour until she grew tired. The Family sometimes sang along and sometimes simply listened to her strong, clear, high voice fill the room. As Fi watched, she felt her usual concern. Rachel’s voice had become the biggest thing about her. The food rules already limited her food and she insisted on living by them, but it mattered little since she no appetite. None of the Family would have denied her food, if she had been able to eat.
Despite her intentions for the day, Fi found her thoughts turning to surviving the rest of this winter. It was getting harder and harder to find anything decent on raids and it was impossible to find anything growing. Sean did his best, but with the ground frozen hard, roots were out of the question. It was good that they had stockpiled as much as they could when they first arrived at the home in the fall, she reflected.
Lydia and Aliyah got up to settle the children, and Fi decided to head to bed as well. Everyone slept on the first floor near the fireplace. She started laying out her sleeping bag by the couch and Sean joined her. He set up to sleep against the east wall. Fi got into her bag in her dress and sweater, shivering as her skin hit the cold sleeping bag. Her teeth chattered as she waited to warm up. Doc Ron threw a large log on the fire, sending up sparks that curled up the chimney and into the room. It would burn a long time, creating the warm coals they needed to keep the room at a bearable temperature.
Fi lay awake in the darkness while the room cooled. Her thoughts swirled and settled once again on Rachel. She worried about her thinness, the bags under her eyes, and how tired she always seemed to be. But then again, the entire Family was tired more often now that they were becoming starved. Even Fi and Sean had realized that the raids took a lot out of them both and it was difficult to recover. Raiding was so essential to their survival that the Family had started feeding Fi and Sean more the week before a raid, to give them extra strength. It did help, and they brought back as much as they could. Fi always felt like she had to return with twice what she’d eaten that past week, but it didn’t always work out that way. In the darkness, Sean’s rustling broke into her thoughts.
“Fi?” she heard him whisper. “Are you awake?”
“Yes Sean. I’m awake.” I’m always awake, she thought.
“What are you thinking about?” Fi didn’t see the point in lying to Sean.
“Rachel.” Sean’s breathing stopped, just for a moment. Of course, they both worried about Rachel.
“And Maggie,” he added, his voice quiet.
“Of course, Maggie too,” Fi said with a sigh. “But,” she started, whispering, and then didn’t finish. Sean knew. It was getting hard to believe that Maggie was going to make it much longer at this point. She was so ill that today’s effort to help Fi bathe would probably keep her down for a week. The horrible truth was that Fi thought about Rachel more often because she felt like there was more hope for her if she could make it to Eden. When Fi looked at Maggie all she saw was an end that was coming to claim her.
Sighing, Fi realized that no matter what she vowed to herself, she couldn’t go a single day without worrying. Not without worrying about her mother’s developing cough and absent appetite. Not without worrying about Rachel’s thinning frame and constant tiredness and bruising. Not without worrying about keeping the Family safe from Others and keeping them from starving. Not without worrying about whether they would find Eden...her thoughts trailed off. After a few minutes, Sean spoke again.
“Did you have a Happy Birthday Fi?”
“Yes Sean,” Fi forced a reassuring tone to her voice in the darkness. She didn’t want anyone else to worry like she did, certainly not about her. “I had a Happy Birthday.”
At least as happy as things can get now, she thought to herself, pressing her numbing toes against her calf muscles.
Beg, Ba
rter, or Steal
----------- Fi -----------
Her feet hit the ground and Fi crouched with her pack on her back and surveyed her surroundings. She could no longer see or hear anyone in the darkened store so she stood, rubbing her sore neck. She’d been stuck on top of the freezer for hours. Thank God those stupid Others had finally left. She stretched her arms above her.
“Hey” a quiet voice spoke from behind. Fi drew the .22 and spun to orient herself with the freezer case at her back. Frantic, she scanned and she saw only one person. Before her was a dirty, thin man of about Maggie’s age. He wore a sweatshirt and jeans with beat up sneakers and a classic tan trench coat. Seeing her gun, he threw his hands in the air. “Don’t shoot!” he joked. Fi frowned. This asshole thought she was kidding. It was the trench coat that worried her, she thought. There was no way to tell if he was armed.
“Take off your coat,” she demanded, gesturing with the gun. “I want to make sure you aren’t armed.” His face screwed up in annoyance, but he took off the dirty trench coat and shoved it onto the empty beige metal shelves behind him. That’s when Fi noticed that he also had a pack. He set the pack carefully on the dirty linoleum floor next to him.
“Who are you?” his voice was gentle. “I won’t hurt you.” As if to make his point, he shook his head.
“That’s very nice of you,” Fi responded without lowering her weapon. “But right now I can be absolutely sure of that because if you try to hurt me, I will shoot you.” She smiled. “You can’t argue with that.” The man frowned at this, but she knew that she was right. He was hardly in a position to argue. “My name is Fi,” she offered, finally answering his question.
“Mark,” he pointed to himself. “I’m alone here,” he tried to reassure her. “I’m just out here looking for stuff for my family, that is all.” Fi could tell he was nervous because his glance kept darting to her weapon. “I assume that you’re doing the same,” he added, “but you can’t possibly be alone.”
“And why is that?” she asked, amused. Mark’s eyes widened a bit and he stumbled over his response.
“Well, because, because you’re a kid,” he stammered. “I mean, look at you!” He stopped and his voice became low and serious. “In my family we don’t send young girls out on dangerous missions at all, let alone by themselves.” Fi shrugged.
“Well, in my Family we do.” Carefully she reached up with her left hand to unclip her pack and slide it to the floor, threading it over the drawn gun in one quick motion.
“How many in your Family?” he asked her. “If you don’t mind my asking, that is.” Normally she would not share any information about her Family, but this guy seemed ok. Besides, these days her Family was far away, safely tucked into the enveloping arms of their Home.
“There are fourteen of us right now.” Mark’s mouth dropped open in shock.
“And they send you to do this?” he asked again, incredulous. Suddenly his face grew concerned. “Wait, are you all children?” At this it was all she could do to keep from bursting out laughing. His face was hilarious, Fi thought to herself. Imagine this poor man’s concern for a group of fourteen children who were all alone in this world!
“No,” she shook her head, “we are about half and half, children and adults.”
“And among which group do you count yourself then?” Mark smiled and scratched at his beard.
“Adult, of course.” He laughed soundlessly at her response and nodded. “But to answer the question you’re asking, yes there are adult men in my Family. They send me to do this because I’m the one best qualified for the job.” She stopped to measure the weight of that statement on her audience. Good, he was properly impressed. “And,” she added, “It’s my choice anyway, because I’m the Leader of the Family.” At this, he gasped while she laughed. Her arrow had hit its target. Mark shook his shaggy head.
“Ok then, Leader,” he said and knelt by his pack. “Why don’t you put down your weapon so that we can barter.”? The thought made her heart begin flutter again. While hidden, she had watched Others barter on many occasions and she knew that some barters go very, very wrong.
“You must think I’m stupid,” she addressed Mark with derision. “Just because you underestimated me, doesn’t mean that I will do the same with you.” She gestured her head toward her own body. “You have at least a hundred pounds on me even though we’re both starving. No,” she shook her head firmly. “The gun stays while we talk, or we can just part ways now.”
Mark nodded in acknowledgement and rubbed his forehead. He sighed, but they both knew that they had to be quick. Others could come at any time and many don’t wait to talk before they shoot. He took out all the trade-worthy contents of his pack: a few canned veggies, one can of fruit cocktail, a small handful of 9mm ammunition, and some cleaning supplies including bar soaps and a shampoo.
“S’all I’ve gotten so far. It’s getting harder,” he said. Fi nodded, that was certainly true. Supplies were getting scarcer all the time.
“Is there a weapon to go with that ammunition?” she asked him with one eyebrow cocked. Mark shook his head and stood, holding up his shirt to show his waistband. He knelt again and opened every pocket in his pack to show her.
“I leave it with my family for protection,” he explained. “It’s our only one.” Fi nodded and relaxed.
Fi had only bartered with someone on one other occasion. She did not know if there were any ‘rules’, but her goal was to avoid showing exactly how much she wanted that stupid can of fruit cocktail. If he knew, then he could push to take more from her. Kneeling, Fi pulled out the items she was willing to barter: A few canned veggies including one supersized canned yam that was a bit inconvenient, a hunk of dried venison strips, four tiny glass jars of baby food, a handful of bottles of basic painkillers, and one bottle of shampoo.
She thought she heard Mark react when she pulled out the baby food. Good, maybe they had a baby too and really needed that. For her, the tiny jars were barely worth the effort but they were food and they were organic, so she had grabbed them. Something is better than nothing was her motto now, with shelves getting emptier and emptier in the Ghost Towns.
Fi began the barter. “I have interest in the Fruit Cocktail.” It was a strain to keep her tone casual. She was actually dying to get the fruit cocktail and bring it back. Because it was winter, they hadn’t had much fruit in months, and the sugar would be a treat for everyone. Too bad it would be more Sickfood, she thought, but at this point there was so little food left at all that she couldn’t be picky. That is why she thought the baby food might be valuable to Mark.
“Ok.” He also seemed to force a casual tone. “I have interest in the baby food.” He pointed to the jars. “How about the fruit cocktail for two jars of baby food?” he asked her. “One just doesn’t seem like enough to make it fair,” he added. She nodded, affirming her agreement, and held out the two jars of baby food. Fi reviewed Mark’s wares again and offered a second barter.
“What about you give me one of those soaps, and you can have a few strips of my venison jerky. This is Truefood,” she added, as she held out the jerky. He looked puzzled. Oh yeah, she remembered, most people don’t know about Sickfood. They think all this canned stuff is healthy.
“Where did you get venison?” he asked, clearly curious. Oh, Fi thought, that was his question. She nodded, understanding his surprise. The deer had been hit hard by the death of the grasses combined with the winter weather.
“Got it real early,” she explained, describing the deer kill. “About a month into the Famine, while we were on the run. I was so worried about keeping us fed that I took the risk. I broke the meat down into strips and we spread them over the bushes and sun-cured it. Took four days and we lost some to rot, but we saved a lot too.” Mark shook his head and whistled.
“Well, aren’t you resourceful.” His tone was bitter. “A month into the Famine, I was wandering around abandoned suburbs trying to dodge bullets with my kids.” Fi flinch
ed. She forgot at times that her Family had been given such an advantage.
“Not everyone was lucky enough to make it into the woods before things got bad,” she agreed.
Mark gestured toward the baby food jars. “Yeah, I just wish we had thought to grab more stuff before we fled the City. All we were focused on were the nukes.”
Fi frowned. What nukes? What the hell was he talking about? Did somebody get nuked? Mark’s smile was a worried slash across his face, more angry than amused.
“Oh, you didn’t hear?” he asked in a high-pitched, fake voice. “The government surrounded the Cities so that they could nuke us.” Now Fi was truly confused. If the City had been nuked, surely they would have seen or heard something. They hadn’t been that far away, had they, she wondered? He continued in his normal voice.
“That was the rumor that went around. They said other countries nuked people, but no one had details. It only took a couple days of it spreading for everyone in the City to become totally panicked. Then the first riots broke out and people started leaving. There was no food, the soldiers wouldn’t let us leave, there was no phone, and no Internet,” his voice trailed off.
Fi had never really thought about the City, she’d always been so focused on her Family surviving and making it to Eden. Millions of people all dealing with this at once, she thought, what a nightmare that would be. Of course there would be rumors. It only made sense.
“So you left because you thought the government had trapped you so they could nuke you?” she asked. Mark nodded.
“Everyone did, practically. It was crazy. We walked all the way from Brooklyn into Manhattan and then north from there. There were millions of us all walking away from the city. Some people stayed on Long Island, but we were afraid to be trapped, afraid to be so close.”
“But didn’t everyone loot all the stores on their way out?” Fi asked. “I would have assumed the City was the last place you could find food now, there were so many people there.” Mark closed his eyes and rubbed them.
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