by Louise Bay
Published by Louise Bay 2015
Copyright © 2015 Louise Bay. All rights reserved
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with or sponsored by the trademark owners.
ISBN - 978-1-910747-07-0
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Playlist
Acknowledgments
Other Books by Louise Bay
The Empire State Series
Hopeful
Faithful
Let’s Connect
Jake
The cab pulled up in front of Haven’s apartment. I leapt out and pushed some cash through the window to the driver. I kept my eyes fixed firmly on the door to Haven’s building in case she went in or out. I had to convince her that the conversation she’d overheard between Robert and I wasn’t what she thought it was. My heart had turned itself inside out when I’d received her text saying that she never wanted to see me again, that she’d heard Robert and I discussing her. I didn’t know exactly what she thought she’d heard—or what she was thinking. All I knew was it felt as though she was slipping through my fingers. She hadn’t answered my calls, or responded to my texts.
I climbed the stairs to the door, then stopped. Now that I was here, I wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t even know if she was home. Was I supposed to force my way in and pin her down until she listened to me? My mind whirled. I liked order and logic. Normally I could read people and predict how they would react in a million different scenarios. Haven tore right through any theories I had about her and people in general, changing direction every time I thought I had her figured out. It was exhausting and invigorating at the same time. But this felt dark. Like her trail had gone dry. I should have set Robert straight when he’d talked about picking Haven for the Sandy interview because she wouldn’t rival Sandy’s movie-star glamor. I shouldn’t have stayed quiet, but I’d been trying to do what I thought Haven would want me to do—keep our relationship private.
I pressed the buzzer and held my breath, waiting for a response. Relief and shock made my stomach flip when I heard the intercom pick up.
“Haven, it’s Jake. We need to talk.”
The intercom went dead but it wasn’t followed by a buzz of the door being released. I pressed again. No response.
I tried to recall exactly what Robert had said to me and precisely how I’d replied. But the memories seemed muddied from pulling them out and trying to rerun them. I could understand why she’d be upset with Robert; he’d been a prick. And I got that she might be angry with me for not defending her, but did it justify her not wanting anything to do with me? Why wouldn’t she at least talk to me?
I was pacing outside her building when I saw her brother Luke approach. His eyes bore into me and he wore an expression that said he wanted to rip my face from my body.
“Has she spoken to you?” I asked.
“Don’t speak to me, mate, or I might have to punch you,” Luke replied.
“I need to understand why she’s so upset, what she heard. I need to talk to her.” I’d lost my normally balanced, cool exterior as panic started to rise. If her brother was over here in the middle of the day, Haven must be really upset. I hated to think of her in pain and the idea I’d caused it, directly or indirectly, made me feel as if my gut was rotting. It was the last thing I wanted. I couldn’t lose her.
Luke entered a code into the panel next to the intercom and pulled the building door open. “Save it. I’m not interested. I’ve been encouraging her to open up and have some fun for the longest time, and then some wanker like you comes along and fucks her up. I don’t know what you did and I don’t care. The only thing that I could make out through her tears were the words ‘pity fuck’ and if you think you’re too good for Haven, then you don’t know her at all.”
He let the door slam in my face. For a second I was catatonic as what he’d said sank in. Shit. Pity fuck? My gut twisted and I felt as though I might vomit. She thought I agreed with Robert? Surely she knew better than that after Paris.
Questions flew through my head like boulders. How was I going to get her to speak to me? Would she believe me? How was I ever going to get her to trust me? I was due to go to Palo Alto tomorrow, should I cancel? But then I would probably lose the key to the future of Elemental Energy. Maybe it would be good to give Haven some space. Would I ever see her again if she refused to speak to me? I was no longer needed at Rallegra so it wasn’t as if I’d bump into her at work.
The rot in my gut started to spread.
I dialled her number again and it went straight to voicemail, so I typed out another text.
Jake: I’m sorry. Please let me explain.
My head should be buried in Elemental Energy, but instead I was trying to figure out a way to postpone my trip. This was why I’d always dated girls like Millie. Women who required financial, rather than emotional investment. They were easy to predict, easy to keep happy and easy to keep at arm’s length. Haven was oil to their water.
I tried her phone again. Straight to voicemail. There was a sense of relief at the thought that Luke was with her. Hopefully, he would be able to provide some comfort to her.
After a sleepless night, I decided to go to Palo Alto. Haven wasn’t responding to me and I being away would give her some space. I couldn’t exactly set up camp outside her apartment building and I could call her from wherever I was. And I would email her. Try and explain when I could think more clearly. I just didn’t know how to make this right. I’d never cared enough about anyone but my family to have to deal with a situation like this. Hurting Haven had hurt me. Her pain had become mine.
Haven
“If you’re not going to help chop those vegetables, then get out of my kitchen or pour me a glass of wine,” I told Ash as I prepared Sunday dinner. It was a ritual Luke and I’d had forever, and Ash was frequently a part of. Rituals and traditions between us had become more important since our parents had died. And Sunday dinner was the most important of all because it felt as though it was what we’d be doing—congregating, sharing, spending time with each other—if our family were still whole.
Ash went to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of wine.
“A normal girl would go dressed to kill if she thought she were going to see her ex for the first time,” Ash said.
“What can I say? I don’t want him to think that what he’s done has affected me in any way.” But Jake had affected me in every way.
I had cried non-stop for twenty-four hours after I’d overheard Robert and Jake’s conversation. I wasn’t sure which stung more, that Robert thought my best qualification was my unattractiveness, or that Jake had agreed with him. On the rare occasions something got under my skin and created a chink in my armor, my floodgates opened and I temporarily drowned. I wept for everything that had ever gone wrong. I wept for my carefree teens and twenties tha
t had been ripped from me. I wept for my parents who never got to have the lives they dreamed of. I wept for Luke, who had given up his dreams to get a reliable, well-paid job so he could take care of me. And then I wept for the poor, the dying and the hungry. On the rare instances I mourned, everyone’s grief and sorrow became my own.
Luke and Ash were the people who could pull me to safety. Order me into the shower. Make me laugh. Show me the absurdity in my reactions and overreactions. And just as suddenly as it started, it would stop. The chink would heal over. Life would go on.
I was fine.
The knots in my stomach had disappeared as I read Jake’s email, explaining Robert’s view, how he had decided who would take the article before Jake and I met, and how Jake had never shared Robert’s viewpoint. I believed him. But at the same time, that didn’t alter the fact that the whole situation had metaphorically thrown a bucket of ice water over me. Whatever we had, or might have had, had been tarnished. The heartbreak reminded me why I didn’t really date. I had enough people in my life that I loved and cared for, and I needed to hold on tight to them. The thought of falling for someone, properly letting someone in and then having it disintegrate—having them leave—was too painful. It was much better to clutch onto the people that would never willingly go anywhere.
Luke and Ash had been constants in my life since before my parents’ deaths. There was no possibility they would leave me, and that’s what I needed. That was enough.
“So you’re going to go dressed like a puritan?” Ash asked.
“I’m going to wear what I always do. Nothing has changed.”
“His email though, Haven. It made my insides melt.”
“Yes and I replied. I told him it was fine, that I believed him and there were no hard feelings. But you get that things are different, don’t you? I can’t see him in the same way. Hearing that conversation changed things for me.”
“I’m not sure I do get it. He likes you—really cares about you. And you like him. Just because you had a road bump doesn’t mean you give up.”
It isn’t a road bump, it’s a wake-up call. I was grateful that I hadn’t fallen deeper before I’d come to my senses. If I’d lost Jake once he’d become really important to me, it might just have finished me. I couldn’t lose anyone else.
“I need you to drop it. It’s done,” I said. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”
I had to put a stop to the conversation. Part of me couldn’t wait to see him at our Monday morning meeting—I was desperate to hear how his trip to the US had gone but I couldn’t think like that now. We weren’t anything to each other anymore. Talking about him, thinking about him, made it worse—made the feelings about him bigger when all I wanted to do was have them disappear as if he’d never existed.
“Can you get that?” I asked her when the door buzzer went. “It’s likely Luke.”
“As long as I can leave Emma on the doorstep.”
I rolled my eyes. She wasn’t a big fan of Luke’s girlfriend, Emma, mostly because she was jealous. But also because Sunday nights with Emma were different. The three of us were a unit and Emma’s presence altered the dynamic. “I’ll get it, you freak.”
When I opened the door, Luke leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek, handing me a bottle of wine and a bag, which I hoped had stock cubes and broccoli in it. “Hey,” he said.
“Where’s Emma?” I asked.
“She’s not coming.”
I pursed my lips at him and he gave me a gentle shake of the head. His heavy eyes told me he didn’t want to talk about it.
“All the more for us.”
“How are you feeling about work tomorrow?” he asked.
“Fine. Why shouldn’t I?” I replied.
“You know, you’ll see Jake. I’m just asking.”
The truth was I didn’t feel fine but I desperately wished to. I wanted to be over him. I hated myself for looking forward to seeing him. I needed that part of me under control and back to normal so I could prove to myself I was back to Haven pre-Jake, that he hadn’t got under my skin. It was done. We were over before we began.
I took a deep breath and opened the door to the conference room, relieved to find I was the first one to arrive.
I set my pad, pen and Diet Coke down as I took my usual spot and then smoothed the stray wisps of hair back into my tight bun. I can do this.
Within a few minutes, people started filing into the room and filling chairs. I kept my eyes on my to-do list, waiting for the seat opposite to become occupied with too-long legs and a wicked smile. I waited. And waited. But the chair remained free.
Robert arrived and called everyone to order. Had Jake deliberately avoided what had become his usual seat? I glanced down the table and then across. He wasn’t here.
He’d been due back from the US on Saturday. Where was he? His calls had slowed from all day, to three times a day, to a single call since my reply to his email. I had told him that I accepted his apology and that I understood that it wasn’t him that had picked me over Emily. And that was all true. I had added that it was also the case that I didn’t want to continue things between us, but I hoped that we would still be friends. I had to protect myself, and that meant I couldn’t have Jake in my life. Jake had the ability to pierce my armor and he had to be kept at a distance.
Maybe he was just late. Or perhaps he had told Robert he didn’t want to work at Rallegra anymore.
“First piece of news is that we’ve managed to replace Brad. We made an offer to a great Marie Claire photographer yesterday, so we’re hoping he’s on board within a month.”
I held my breath, waiting for Robert to say that Jake would continue to fill in until the new guy started, but there was no discussion of any interim help. No mention of Jake. I suppose I was meant to feel relieved. This should have felt like a reprieve, I was getting what I wanted, but instead my heart shrank in my chest.
“Haven?” Robert asked.
I looked up and found everyone staring at me. I hadn’t been listening.
“How’s the Sandy Fox piece coming along?” he asked.
“Good. I’ll let you have something later on in the day. I just need to pick the photographs. I was hoping to get them from J—Harry today.”
“Good. And your dating feature?”
“Yes, elite dating. There are a number of high-end agencies that have established themselves recently and I’m working on a piece centering around them. I want to interview them and their clients. The idea is to work out what rich men look for in women. Are these men searching for love, or just a quick shag and then it’s back to the day job because their career is really the only thing they can focus on? Do they want a housekeeper that puts out or a soul mate?” As I was explaining the concept to the meeting, I couldn’t stop images of Millie, Jake’s ex, from floating across my brain. Was she who he would end up with?
My idea would involve actually having a couple of dates with these men. I wouldn’t be undercover, because I needed the dating agencies’ cooperation. I was, after all, single. I’d write about the disastrous dates, the wealth, or the lack of spark. I suspected that these agencies were little more than high-end escort services for men who didn’t want to think of themselves as guys who needed to pay for it. It could be fun. I wouldn’t need to feel anything real. It would be easy to keep my distance. It would keep my heart safe and create a distraction.
Back at my desk, I scanned my in box and found an email from Jake. It said nothing other than he was attaching photos of the Sandy article.
My stomach cramped and I steadied myself against the table. The lack of covering message assured me that he understood there was no future for us. It was what the sensible part of my brain wanted. The bit of my body I was trying to ignore, the part that wanted him to never give up on me, slumped in defeat. But it was always for the best when my head ruled my heart.
I clicked on the photos. There were over a hundred. They were beautiful and seemed to capture the very
essence of Sandy. Her almost-black hair was glossy and glamorous, her smile wide and generous. She came across as warm and sensuous. Jake had captured what she looked like, but more, he’d brought out her very best. Was this how he saw her?
When I clicked on the last picture my stomach jolted again. It was of me, on my own, staring directly into the camera. I barely recognized myself. My cheekbones were highlighted and some stray hairs had escaped my bun. I looked relaxed, my eyes seemed to dance and there was a small, secretive smile on my face. The picture captured how I felt when I forgot myself. When I was with Ash and Luke and we were just . . . us. Was this how he saw me? Did he know me like that?
Did I want him to?
Jake
“So you’re still sulking?” Beth asked me. I was sick of sitting at my desk in our guest bedroom all day and had decided to change my surroundings. It may have been a bad idea because now I had my papers spread across the dining table, and Beth had more access to me to give me a hard time. She rarely needed an excuse to bust my balls but since Haven and I had stopped seeing each other—assuming we had ever really started—that was where her attention was centered. She thought I’d given up too easily. She thought I should fight harder. I was trying not to think. I had Elemental Energy to concentrate on.
“I’m not sulking. I’m working. There’s a difference. I have a million things to do if I want Elemental Energy to achieve what it’s capable of.”
“I thought you had a month before the Palo Alto guy started?”
Could she not stop pushing? She’d been like this since I got back from California. Couldn’t she just leave things alone? Haven had made this decision, not me. I ignored her.
“So you have some time. I thought the new photographer at Rallegra didn’t start for a while? I’m sure Robert could still do with the help,” she continued.
“I have a lot to do. Robert will call me if he needs me. I’ve finished the Sandy piece. I wasn’t assigned to anything else.” I was pretty sure that the last place I should be was Rallegra. Haven wanted us to be “friends” but that was not something I could comprehend. If I couldn’t be with her, then I couldn’t see her.