Because of Her

by KE Payne

  “Yeah, she cares a lot when no one’s looking. It’s not enough.”

  “She wants you, Tab. Yeah, she’s been stupid, and I’ll bet right now she’ll be thinking I’m the last person who’d ever back her up. But no one looks at another person the way Eden looks at you without it meaning that they want them unconditionally.”

  “Unconditionally? How do you figure? She’ll cow to the pressure and let me down again, mark my words,” I argued. “What part of that is unconditional? Can I put myself through that?”

  “Maybe she won’t, though,” Libby said. “Maybe she’s manned up and stopped giving a fuck what Dumb and Dumber think any more.”

  We both turned our heads as the door opened and Eden walked in, right on cue. I stepped back from Libby, wiping my eyes, still wet with tears, with the insides of my wrists. Eden shut the door behind her and leant back against it. Her face was tired and blotchy from what I assumed were tears. Like me, she kept wiping at them with her sleeves, which were pulled down over her hands.

  “I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” Her voice was barely audible.

  “Well, you’ve found me,” I said.

  “I’ll leave you to it.” Libby rubbed my arm. “Think about what I’ve just been saying.”

  “Hmm.” Standard reply in such situations, I’d say.

  Eden moved from the door to allow Libby to leave, shooting her a guilty look as she passed.

  “Are we alone?” She tossed a look towards the cubicles.

  “Still scared of being overheard?” Petty. “Yeah, we’re alone.”

  “Why have you been ignoring me?”

  “Really?”

  Eden pressed herself against the door again. I guessed so it would stop anyone else coming in. “I’ve been texting, phoning—”

  “I know. What more should I say to you?”

  “Even though I was telling you how sorry I am?” Eden asked.

  “Sorry is just a word, Eden.”

  “I’ve been going out of my mind since yesterday.”

  “Me, too,” I said bluntly. “Wondering what to do for the best.”

  “What we do for the best”—Eden stepped away from the door and came over to me—“is start again.” She rested her hip against the sinks.

  “Don’t.” I took a step away from her and stood next to the hand dryer. “I can’t keep being let down by you,” I said. “It hurts too much.”

  “I’m sorry I’ve hurt you,” Eden said. “And I’ll keep saying sorry until you believe me.”

  “Give me one good reason why I should believe you? And believe you until when? What about Gabby? And Beth?” I asked. “You’re so worried all the time about what they’re going to say. That’s never going to change.”

  “They’re my problem,” Eden said. “And I’m dealing with it the best way I can.”

  “By throwing me under the bus every time things get hard? Nuh-uh. I’m done with that game. I deserve better.”

  She came closer to me slowly, her eyes never leaving mine. I automatically hugged my arms tightly around myself and moved away again.

  “I can’t be without you, Tab,” she said.

  “Stop it,” I beseeched. “Don’t do this. It’s unfair.”

  “Let me prove how much you mean to me,” Eden said. Her voice was low and quiet. “Please?”

  “I’m so tired of all this, Eden,” I said.

  “So am I.” Eden swallowed. “Tired of how I am. Tired of Gabby and Beth. Tired of fighting.”

  She stood right in front of me. Her eyes drifted over my face, seeking an answer, or just a hint that I might waver. I was mesmerized, just as I had been the first time I ever saw her. Her gaze pulled me in, sapping any resolve I might have had. I forgot just how much power her eyes had over me as I felt myself drowning in them. In her.

  “Do you believe me?” she asked.

  I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. Instead, I let her reach out and take my hand. Without a word, she pulled me with her into a cubicle and shut the door behind her. She locked it. We looked at each other in silence, both breathing quietly, both of us too shy to make the first move.

  “Will you let me show you?” Eden asked again. “So you believe me?”

  I dropped my eyes.

  “Please?” Eden moved towards me and took my face in her hands. She kissed me so slowly and tenderly—a deep pulse travelled the length of my body. I pressed her against the door, my hands reaching up under her top to meet her warm skin, smoothing over the small of her back, over her sides. I sensed her breath quicken when my hands made contact. I impulsively kissed her deeper, lost in her moans and the feel of her body up against mine.

  So much for willpower.

  “Don’t ever leave me again, will you?” Eden spoke through our kisses. “You promise me?”

  “I…can’t…give you up.” I pulled away. “I barely lasted a day without you.”

  “Things will change, I swear to you.” She dusted the hair from my eyes. “I don’t want to risk ever losing you again.”

  “You really mean that?”

  Eden nodded. Resolute. Determined.

  “Come to my party tomorrow night,” she said. “I need you to be there.”

  “You want me to?” That sure was a bombshell. Enough to send a flicker right through me. “With all your family there? And Beth and Gobby?”

  “I do want you to, yes,” Eden said. She stroked my cheek and kissed me again. “Tomorrow, everything changes. Please. Say you’ll come.”

  My heart warred with my brain for what seemed like an interminable stretch. Finally, I blew out a sigh. “Last chance, Eden. I mean it.”

  Chapter Forty-five

  Eden’s house was lit up by the time I arrived for her party the following night, emboldened by the bolstering presence of Libby and Greg. The brightly coloured balloons and dull thudding of music, combined with excited whooping coming from inside the house, drew us in.

  The front door was already open, encouraging everyone to just go on in. A huge cut-out red arrow lay on the hall floor, pointing to the lounge, and we followed. We entered the room uncertainly and looked around at the scattering of people, none of whom we knew.

  “Why do I feel so shy all of a sudden?” Libby bent forward and spoke into my ear so she could be heard above the sound of music. “I feel like a five-year-old going to her best friend’s birthday party.”

  “It’s ’cos her parents are here,” I shouted, all the while seeking a glimpse of Eden. “When was the last time you went to a party where parents were present?”

  “I feel like I ought to have a pretty bow in my hair and a present in my hands,” Libby said, “rather than this bottle.” She waggled a litre bottle of vodka at me.

  “You’re here!” Eden came across the room towards us, glass in hand. She wrapped her arms around me, spilling some of her drink as she did so. “I’ve missed you,” she breathed into my hair. “Thanks for coming, you two,” she said to Libby and Greg, who stood sentry on either side of me.

  “Drinks this way.” Eden took my hand and led me across the room and into the kitchen, where an array of bottles of different sizes and colours were lined up on the side. “There are olives in bowls scattered around the lounge.” She leant into me and giggled. “My mother is treating this like a Women’s Institute soirée rather than her daughter’s eighteenth piss-up.”

  “Are you drunk?” I asked, nodding at her glass.

  “No!” Eden laughed. “It’s orange juice, honest.”

  I was dubious.

  “Honestly,” she said, seeing my unconvinced expression. “I want to have a clear head tonight.” She took a sip from her juice. “I’m just happy you’re here,” she said. “After everything.”

  “I told you yesterday,” I said, reaching over and taking a bottle of beer from the side. “Last chance. I love you, Eden, but I meant it.”

  “So who’s here?” Libby picked up a bottle. She peered at the label, shrugged, then uncapped it. She drank it
back, then looked through the kitchen door back into the lounge. “The Wicked Witches coming?”

  “They’re already here,” Eden said. “Gabby’s latched on to some random guy she met the second she walked in. No idea where Beth’s disappeared to.”

  “Probably singing at someone,” Greg muttered. He reached for a can of cider and opened it noisily, then kissed Libby on the cheek and wandered off into the lounge.

  “Who else?” I peered through the kitchen door into the lounge. A sea of unknown faces loomed out at me.

  “Mum and Dad, of course,” Eden said, taking another drink. “Ben, plus my three cousins. Few neighbours. Oh, and Freya and Liam are here somewhere, too.”

  “I think everyone’s here who should be here now.” Eden’s mother bustled into the kitchen. She took a knife from the kitchen drawer and turned to Eden. “Your dad would like to say a few words.” She rolled her eyes. “Just let him have his moment of being one very proud dad, and then we can cut the cake, okay?”

  I downed my beer and glanced at the table, where a large chocolate cake with eighteen candles sat patiently, waiting to be cut. Beth entered the kitchen, two empty glasses in her hands, and I immediately stiffened.

  “Gabby’s chatting up your cousin Harry in the conservatory, Eden,” she said, bumping me as she came past. “She sent me in for more vodka. That okay?”

  “I thought she was talking to Ben’s friend.” Eden frowned.

  Beth shrugged. “Got bored.”

  “Harry’s already got a girlfriend,” Eden said stiffly. “Does she know that?”

  “She does.” Beth reached past me, shooting me a look of disdain. She grabbed the bottle of vodka that Libby had brought. “But his girlfriend’s not here, is she?” She poured two glasses, filling each liberally.

  “So that makes Harry fair game?” Eden’s voice was laden with contempt.

  “You know Gabby,” Beth said. “Never one to pass up an opportunity. Not where a boy is concerned.” She grabbed a handful of olives and stuffed them in her mouth. “Just like you, eh?” She mumbled through her olives and winked at Eden. Then, just for good measure, she gave me a look. I presumed it was to wind me up.

  Jerk.

  In the front room five minutes later, Eden’s dad did the most awesome speech about Eden. It was a beautiful and thoughtful tribute to her, both perceptive and funny, and summed her up perfectly. I watched as he was speaking, his eyes full of love as he told the room how proud he was of her and how much he loved her. She stood away from me all the while he was talking, standing over to the side of the room, her mother on one side of her, her brother Ben on the other. Our eyes met across the room all the time her father was talking. She looked beautiful. Radiant. Her face was flushed, both by the warmth of the room and her father’s words, giving her a magical glow.

  Finally, speech over, a small swell of applause rippled around the room. Eden and I tore our eyes away from one another and focused back on the others around us. Taking a long drink from her glass, and with the sounds of everyone urging her to say a few words, Eden stepped away from her mother and Ben and turned to face the room.

  “I just wanted to say…” Eden took another drink. Her hand was shaking slightly. “Thank you to everyone for coming tonight, and thank you for all the gifts, even though it’s not my birthday for another five days—”

  “Don’t think you’re getting any more next week as well,” a voice called out from the sofa, making everyone laugh.

  Eden smiled shyly but didn’t reply. “And thank you to Mum and Dad for putting all this on for me tonight.” Her voice sounded forced. Unnatural. “And for the awesome speech, Dad.” She looked at him. “Although I don’t know why you had to tell everyone that story of me feeding the ducks at the park when I was six.” Another ebb and flow of laughter.

  She traced her finger around the rim of her glass and stared down into it. Her brows, I noticed, were pinched tight. “I wanted to say something else as well,” she said, “something that probably needed to be said a while ago.”

  Eden cleared her throat nervously. “I’ve managed to make it to being eighteen,” she began, “without really knowing what true happiness is.” She lifted her head and looked around the room. “But now I do know.”

  Her mother caught Eden’s eye across the room. She smiled.

  “Before, I never felt complete,” Eden said, looking away from her mother and towards me. “I always knew something was missing from my life, but I could never quite put my finger on what it was.” She held my gaze. “But it’s not missing any more.”

  A few murmurs tumbled round the room. An atmosphere was clearly developing, and I began to wish someone would put the music back up again.

  “Sometimes, if you’re lucky, a person comes into your life,” Eden continued, never taking her eyes off me, “who turns everything on its head in the most amazing, beautiful, and unexpected way.”

  Her father caught the look that passed between me and Eden. “This is very nice, Eden,” he said, “but is it going anywhere?” He flashed an anxious look over to Eden’s mother.

  “Before, I was just going through the motions of life as I was expected to,” Eden said, ignoring him. “Just…I don’t know…existing, but always sensing there should be something more.”

  “Is it time to cut the cake?” Eden’s mother started to move towards the kitchen, her knife still in her hand.

  “Let me finish, please?” Eden turned and faced her mother. “If I don’t say this now, I never will.”

  My grip on the beer bottle tightened.

  Her mother’s grip on the knife tightened more.

  “I was talking to someone not so long ago about love.” Eden looked at me. “And that person said what a nice word love is, and how people—how she—liked to hear it.”

  I stared back at her, speechless.

  “I should have told her then that I loved her,” Eden said, “but like an idiot, I didn’t.”

  “She?” Eden’s mother asked. “How much have you had to drink, Eden?”

  I zoned in on Eden. The room encased me. The walls began to press up hard against me, crushing the breath from my lungs as I saw the expression on her face.

  Suddenly I understood.

  Tomorrow, everything changes.

  That’s what she’d said, wasn’t it?

  “Eden.” Her mother’s voice resonated in my head. “Eden, what are you talking about?”

  “I’m talking about Tabby,” Eden replied, never taking her eyes from mine. “I’m in love with her, Mum. And I don’t care if the whole world knows it.”

  Chapter Forty-six

  “I don’t understand.” Eden’s mother stared at her. “How can you be in love with another girl? You’re being absurd.” Confused, her eyes sought out Eden’s dad. “Richard, what’s she talking about?”

  “I am in love with her,” Eden said. “And it’s not absurd. In fact, it’s the most logical thing that’s ever happened to me.” She smiled. “Because now everything makes sense.”

  “But I don’t understand,” her mother repeated. “How can you—”

  “I’m gay,” Eden said, cutting her mother short. “And I—”

  “Don’t be ridiculous! Of course you’re not gay—look at you. You’re beautiful.”

  Her mother was embarrassed.

  She knew it, I knew it.

  The whole damn room knew it.

  She laughed self-consciously. “This is what happens when you leave an eighteen-year-old in charge of the drinks,” she said, as lightly as her wobbling voice would allow. Only one person laughed.

  Awkward.

  “I am gay,” Eden repeated. Her voice was measured and clear. “And I’m in love with Tabby.” She turned back to face me. “And you’ll never know how sorry I am that I upset you and hurt you—repeatedly—and abandoned you in school last week when you needed me the most,” she said. “I really thought I’d lost you. I can’t go through that again.” She took a step closer to me, ig
noring her mother’s protests. “I’m scared of running. I’m scared of denying my feelings for you.”

  Finally, her dad cleared his throat. “Eden, do you really think this is the right time to—”

  “When Tabby needed to hear me tell her I loved her,” Eden continued, undaunted, “I was too scared of what that would mean. Too scared of the one little word that she really needed to hear. I nearly lost her because I was a coward. Well, I’m not a coward any more.” Eden faced her mother.

  “What rubbish.” Eden’s mother dismissed her daughter’s statement with a flick of her hand my way. “You’ve just got yourself all confused because you’ve been spending too much time with her. She’ll have been encouraging you, getting you all mixed up. Making you question things.”

  “I have a name,” I said. My voice was small, but somehow it launched the whole room into action.

  Eden’s mother spun towards me. “Now I see what your plan was,” she said. “Why you were so keen to walk Eden home that night. I thought it strange at the time, but now it all makes perfect sense.”

  “She wanted to make sure I was safe.” Eden slammed her drink back. “For shit’s sake, Mum.”

  “I thought I was being helpful,” I stuttered. “I just—”

  “Oh my fucking God!”

  Who said that? Gobby? Beth? I couldn’t be sure. Voices oscillated now.

  “Are you telling me you—”

  “You listen to me.” Another interruption. Eden’s mother again. Furious.

  Why was the room moving around me?

  “I don’t know what’s been going on between you two,” her mother said, “or what twaddle you’ve been dripping into my daughter’s head. I don’t want to know. But she is not gay. Do you hear me?”

  “I…” I stood, stunned, unable to think or speak.

  “What you get up to in your private life is up to you,” she continued. “If you want to be gay, then fine. Be gay. Just don’t encourage my daughter to experiment with you.”

  “Megan.” Eden’s father’s voice sounded a warning.