by KE Payne
“Why didn’t we see this coming?” Eden’s mother rounded on him, her face twisted with anger and confusion. “What have we done so wrong to make our own daughter do this to us?”
“What?” Eden’s voice rose. “You think my being gay is just me getting at you?”
“Are you seriously telling me that you and she—”
More voices.
Shouting now.
Excitement, the thrill of it all, the scandal.
I spun round. Gabby stood inches from me, glaring.
“Eden, stop saying you’re gay.” Her mother’s voice was measured again. “You’ve had boyfriends. You can have the pick of any boy in your school.”
“I don’t want any boy,” Eden insisted, trying to contain her frustration. “I want Tabby.”
“You poisonous bitch,” Gabby hissed in my ear, drowning out Eden and her mother. “What have you done to her? What have you been saying to her to make her like this?”
My heart slammed against my ribcage.
Why wouldn’t the room stop spinning?
“I haven’t said anything,” I faltered. “We’ve fallen in—”
“Love?” Gabby’s voice growled with menace. “Don’t give me that shit.” She grabbed my arm. “Eden was perfectly normal before you moved down here and started spouting all your lezzy bullshit.”
“You turned her,” Beth spat. “You couldn’t leave her alone, could you?”
“With your revolting lesbian ways,” Gabby butted in.
“You see?” Eden’s mother flung her hands out. “Listen to your friends. Listen to everyone in here. Every single person in this room will tell you that she”—she pointed towards me—“has turned your head. She”—another jabbing finger—“has put ideas in your head. She is the one to blame for all this.”
“And she”—Libby stepped forward from the shadows of the room where she’d been listening to everything—“is the sweetest, kindest, loveliest person you could ever meet, and Eden is everything to her.” She stood behind me and placed a reassuring hand in the small of my back. “So, no,” Libby said, “not everyone in this room will tell you that Tabby’s turned Eden’s head.” She looked at Eden’s mother. “Your daughter is eighteen. She’s not a child. She knows her own mind. Give her some credit at least.”
“So why did everything change when Tabby came down here?” Gabby cast her head in my direction. “Eden wasn’t like this before she came on the scene.”
“Maybe Eden wanted to change!” Libby said, exasperated. “Maybe falling in love changes a person, Gob—”
“Maybe Tabby should go after her own sort,” Beth said. “Eden’s straight.” She swung round to challenge me, her finger aimed towards my face like a dagger. “You got that? She’s not like you.”
Say something, Eden, please!
I looked at Eden, my eyes pleading with her. All I could hear was my own heart flailing wildly in my ears.
“Stop.” Eden finally spoke. Her voice, so soft after all the harshness, was an instant comfort.
Gabby put her hands on her hips. Instant petulant child look achieved.
Loser.
Eden looked evenly at her and Beth. “It’s all true,” she said. “Every word.” She walked over and took my hand. It was cold and clammy with nerves. She gave my fingers an encouraging squeeze. “Don’t you dare look at her like she’s nothing,” she said, “because she’s worth a thousand of each of you.”
Eden punched her words out, each one said with more conviction and determination than the last. My heart crashed with love for her. I looked at her as she defended me. The expression on her face told me she meant everything she was saying. Slowly, the worries and insecurities of the last few days crumbled to dust.
“How can you say what Tabby and I have is disgusting?” Eden was on a roll.
Was I going to stop her?
Like hell I was.
“You know what’s really disgusting?” Eden continued. When neither Gabby or Beth answered, she carried on. “The way you two spoke to Tabby the other day.” Her voice faltered for the first time. “You’re my oldest friends, but I’ve never heard you speak as repulsively as you did then.”
Beth stepped forward. “I—”
“Shut up.” Eden shook her head. “It’s sickening,” she continued, “the things you’ve said to her. To anyone. What gives you the right to judge? You should be ashamed of yourselves. I’m ashamed of you. I’m ashamed of myself that it took me this long to say these words.”
“You’re…really in love with her?” Beth asked.
“I am.” Another squeeze of my hand. “So let me ask you this: Do you think I’m vile, too? Because you can either be my friends and support my happiness, or…not.”
Gabby turned away. Guess that was her answer, then.
Beth, though, looked meek. Ashamed. “I had no idea you had feelings for Tabby,” she said, her tone almost simpering. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Why do you think?” Eden replied. “Look how the pair of you have acted. How I’ve acted because of you.”
“But I never noticed anything different about you,” Beth said. “You’re my bestie, and I didn’t see any of this coming.” She looked disappointed. Upset, even.
“Why would I be different?” Eden asked. “I’m still the same person I was before I met Tabby.”
Beth shrugged, at a loss. “I’m sorry.” She looked at me properly for the first time.
I waited for Gabby to apologize, too.
Nothing.
“I hate it when you talk about Tabby like she’s something to be afraid of or kicked aside,” Eden said. “So if I ever hear either of you spouting homophobic filth at her—or me—again, I’ll report you, and I’ll cut you out of my life forever.” She looked from Gabby to Beth and back to Gabby again. “Got that?”
They both nodded like chastised children.
Way to go, Eden.
I felt Eden’s grip. Reassuring. Supportive.
I couldn’t speak. It was as if I was in a dream, and at any moment my alarm clock would snap me out of it. Faces swam at me: Gabby in a silent, white fury, Beth submissive, Eden’s parents, speechless by the kitchen door.
“You’re the other half to me, do you know that?” Eden said. She snubbed the room and spoke to me directly, as if there was no one else around. “Without you, I’m hollow. With you, I’m complete. I feel like I can do anything, say anything, go anywhere, as long as I’ve got you at my side.”
“Eden, I—”
“Why deny my feelings when everything inside me is shouting your name?” Eden continued. “Everything reminds me of you. You’re with me everywhere I go. I can’t shake you from my head.”
“That’s cute.”
“You’re cute.”
“You’re both cute.” Ben came up behind us and put his arms round us both. “Now, I don’t know about you two, but I’m starving,” he said. “And there’s a birthday cake in that kitchen with my name on it.” He punched his thumb back over his shoulder.
“My name,” Eden corrected. “It’s my birthday, remember?”
“So, if you two are finished here,” he said, “perhaps we could all go eat?”
He peeled his arms from us and walked towards the kitchen, ushering his mother along with him as he did so. Trepidation swept over me as Eden’s dad walked over to us. I instantly released her hand. She took it again.
My insides fizzed, not for the first time that evening.
“Not quite the eighteenth speech I was expecting.” He looked uncomfortably at our clasped hands.
“I meant every word,” Eden said. “And I don’t think I’ll ever forgive Mum for the things she said to Tabby.” Her voice shook.
“You will,” I told her.
Her gaze darted to my face, questioning.
“I forgave you.” I shrugged, watching her face redden with the memories of all she’d put me through. “You’ll forgive her in time, just the same.”
Ede
n’s dad held up his hand. “For what it’s worth, I think it was very brave, what you just did,” he said. “Standing up in a room full of people and saying all that.”
“I’m fed up with living a lie,” she said. “And past caring about what those two, or anyone else, thinks of me any more.” She threw an indifferent look over towards Gabby and Beth, both deep in conversation by the front door.
“Your mum is just shocked, Eden,” her father said. “She needs time to get her head around things.”
“Just like you needed your own time to get your head around things,” I reminded her, hiking one eyebrow to make my point.
“Yes, but she has no need to be shocked.” Eden bristled. “I’m not pregnant, or having an affair with a married man. I haven’t killed anyone or robbed a bloody bank. I’m. Just. Gay.” She emphasized every word.
“And she just needs some time,” he said, casting a look towards the kitchen. “That’s all I’m saying.” Her father took a deep breath. “I better go and see how she is.” He looked tired. “I’m sorry,” he addressed me, “for the things my wife said to you before. It’s a lot for her to get her head round.”
“It’s okay,” I said. “Everyone comes to terms at their own speed. I can understand why she said it.”
“I don’t agree with what she said, if it’s any consolation.” Her father made to go. “You appreciate that I have to go and be with my wife, don’t you? Talk to her.”
I nodded.
“And we’ll talk some more later.” He touched Eden’s arm, then mine, then strode off towards the kitchen.
“You know you didn’t have to do all that,” I said. I felt humble. Grateful, but humble.
“Yes, I did. I needed you to know I meant every word,” Eden said. “And that I’ll never reject you or not support you when you need me again.”
“And your parents?” I stressed.
“My problem,” Eden said. “Like Gabby and Beth are my problems, too.”
“Our problem,” I corrected.
“Our problem.” Eden smiled. “Although I think Beth will be less of a problem than Gobby. Not that I particularly care either way.”
“Gobby, huh?”
“Definitely Gobby.”
“Always Gobby.” Libby appeared beside us. “Some things will never change.” She swirled her drink around in her glass. Lifted it up. “To you guys,” she said. “And to not giving a shit what people think.”
“And happiness.” Greg threaded his arm around me and hugged me close. He chinked the bottom of his bottle with mine. “The most important thing of all.” He raised his bottle to Eden.
Eden’s expression relaxed. The first time that night.
“I do love you, you know,” I said. I pulled her into the corner of the room.
Surprisingly, everyone in the room had gone back to doing their own thing again. Drinks were there to be drunk, nibbles to be nibbled. The brief, although embarrassing, floor show was over, and if we weren’t exactly forgotten, we were now being…benevolently ignored. Human nature, I guessed. Suited me fine.
“I love you, too,” Eden said, tugging gently on my hands so I’d put my arms round her waist. “You do believe me, don’t you?”
“After all that?” I asked. I laced my arms around her waist and pitched a look back over to the middle of the room. “I’ll never doubt anything you say ever again.”
“Shall we go outside? I could use some air.”
“Sure.”
We headed for the back door, slipped outside.
“Let’s hide out here for a bit,” she said. She pulled herself up on the small wall that surrounded her parents’ conservatory and gestured for me to follow. Her face was illuminated by the light from the moon, giving her a striking, almost ghostly look. Eden held a stone between her finger and thumb. She looked at it like it was the most interesting thing in the world. “I wish they’d all just change the record on the whole it’s a phase argument.”
“But it’s not?” I asked. “Just a phase?”
“What—?”
“Not just a hiccup in your normal life?”
“Tab—”
“Are you going to hold your breath one day when you get fed up with the hiccups and hope that makes them—or rather, me—go away again?”
“You said you would believe everything I say from here on out.”
“I’m just testing. We’ve been through a lot, you have to admit.”
Eden let the stone fall from her hands. It bounced and rolled away, lost in the darkness of the patio. She took my hand. “I want to take my time to get to know you even better. I want a future with you, Tabs. No hiccups.”
We looked at one another, holding each other’s eyes for the longest time. Slowly, Eden leaned closer. Still looking into my eyes, she grazed her lips against mine, softly to begin with, then harder as I kissed her back. She looped her arm around my waist, pulling me against her, and kissed me deeper still, the intensity of the moment and her warm lips on mine making my head swirl. Finally, she pulled back, taking my hands in hers. “I love you, Tabs. Very much.”
“Three little words.” I looked down at our joined hands. “But they mean so much. To me, anyway.”
“Then I’ll keep saying those three little words until you get tired of hearing them,” Eden said.
“I’ll never get tired of hearing you say them,” I said. “Never.”
“Stay with me tonight?” she suddenly said. “Please?”
“Here?” I understood the meaning in her eyes.
“Not here.” Eden shook her head. “Take me back to yours? While your parents are out? I really need you tonight, Tabs.”
“Are you sure?” I asked.
“Never been more sure of anything in my life,” Eden replied.
I took my hand from hers and enveloped her shoulder, drawing her close to me. She rested her head against my neck, occasionally leaning up to kiss my cheek, more often just nestling against me in silence. Then, no more words were needed. We sat like that, enjoying each other’s presence, savouring the silence and relishing the cool of the late evening air until the first light raindrops of the night hurried us back inside.
It was perfect. Eden was perfect. She was the girl who changed me, and who brought me closer to my dad, after years of keeping him at arm’s length. I’ll forever be grateful to her for that.
But most importantly, Eden was the girl who made me grow up and realize that sometimes obstacles appear in your life for a very good reason. And when you stop worrying about them and learn how to jump over them, life can be pretty damn good. Eden taught me that.
Because of her, I finally discovered that sometimes change really can be for the better.
About the Author
KE Payne was born in Bath, the English city, not the tub, and after leaving school she worked for the British government for fifteen years, which probably sounds a lot more exciting than it really was.
Fed up with spending her days moving paperwork around her desk and making models of the Taj Mahal out of paperclips, she packed it all in to go to university in Bristol and graduated as a mature student in 2006 with a degree in linguistics and history.
After graduating, she worked at a university in the Midlands for a while, again moving all that paperwork around, before finally leaving to embark on her dream career as a writer.
She moved to the idyllic English countryside in 2007 where she now lives and works happily surrounded by dogs and guinea pigs.
Praise for KE Payne
365 Days
“One of the most real books I’ve ever read. It frequently made me giggle out loud to myself while muttering, ‘OMG, RIGHT?’”—AfterEllen.com
“Payne captures Clemmie’s voice—an engaging blend of teenage angst and saucy self-assurance—with full-throated style.”—Richard Labonté, Book Marks
[email protected]
“A fast-paced read [that] I found hard to put down.”—C-Spot Reviews
“A wonderful, thou
ght-provoking novel of a teenager discovering who she truly is.”—Fresh Fiction
Another 365 Days
“Funny, engaging, and accessible.”—Kirkus Reviews
The Road to Her
“A wonderful, heart-warming story of love, unrequited love, betrayal, self-discovery and coming out.”—Terry’s Lesfic Reviews.
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Asher’s Fault by Elizabeth Wheeler. Fourteen-year-old Asher Price sees the world in black and white, much like the photos he takes, but when his little brother drowns at the same moment Asher experiences his first same-sex kiss, he can no longer hide behind the lens of his camera and eventually discovers he isn’t the only one with a secret. (978-1-60282-982-4)
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