by Nikita Singh
Her voice caught, and she cleared her throat before continuing, ‘Most guys would’ve just said this girl is crazy and moved on, but you kept trying. I gave you more than enough reasons to walk out, but you stood by me. And I needed that more than I realized. I needed someone to show me that I mattered, that I was cared for, that I wasn’t absolutely alone in the world. And you did. You were always there, even when I was such an asshole to you.’ Akriti was crying, her eyes unfocussed, as if remembering the incidents she was referring to.
‘Hey, don’t worry about it,’ Siddhant said softly. ‘It’s in the past. And I always knew that even though your anger was directed towards me, it wasn’t about me.’
‘Good, because I need you to know that, okay? It was never about you. You were wonderful, and you didn’t deserve that treatment,’ Akriti said firmly.
‘Thank you for saying that.’
‘Thank you for helping me. I don’t know where I would’ve been without that …’
‘So, where exactly were you?’ Siddhant asked. ‘If you don’t mind me asking.’
‘Amritsar, with my mom!’ Akriti said, her face shining through the tears.
Siddhant noticed that she called her stepmother mom.
‘What you said to me that day … about my mom going above and beyond to protect me after the crash … I didn’t know about any of that. I didn’t know that she’d convinced you and Priyesh to not file the FIR against me, or paid for the damage I caused to both the cars. And that made me think about all the things she’d done for me over the years, that I’ve ignored,’ Akriti said sadly. ‘And I guess I didn’t care before, when my dad … was alive, but with him gone … I never stopped to think about how lonely my mom must be. They didn’t have any kids, you know? I’m all she has, and when you told me everything she did for me, I knew where I had to go. Not that there was anywhere else for me to go. There’s something about going home when you’re wounded …’
Siddhant felt a pang of guilt. ‘I’m sorry that I hurt you. I know some of the things I said were really harsh, and I shouldn’t have said them like that …’
‘No, stop. I’m not going to pretend that your sleepover with your ex didn’t hurt me,’ Akriti said, sounding bitter for the first time. ‘Because that would be a lie. But who am I to stand in the way of true love … or whatever.’
‘Akriti …’
‘I don’t want to talk about it. You would’ve broken up with me regardless, as you should’ve, so it’s a moot point. I don’t care,’ she said dryly. Despite her insistence, it sounded like she did care, and that he had truly hurt her.
‘I’m really sorry.’
Akriti shrugged. ‘It’s fine. It’s good actually – this way, at least some of the blame for our relationship going up in flames goes to you. Balances out the scales a little.’
‘If that’s how you want to look at it,’ Siddhant said.
‘Anyway, so I went back to my mom, and we … resolved some things that were long overdue. And, you’ll be happy to know, I’m going to therapy now—’
‘That’s great!’ Siddhant said, cutting her off.
‘Wow. I might take the excitement personally.’ Akriti laughed, but went on, ‘You were right. I needed help. So, I went to therapy, and it’s been good. I’ve only had a few sessions … but I guess what’s helped me more is being with my mom, and letting go of all the resentment and negative feelings I had towards her. We talk about dad often … I always thought I knew him so well, but there are so many things I didn’t know about him. I’m glad that I get to talk about him with someone who knew him well too. I think that’s what’s helped me the most, you know?’
Siddhant nodded.
‘Anyway,’ she said abruptly, ‘I think that’s all. My therapist gave me this homework – I’m supposed to tie up loose ends, apologize, thank people – all that stuff. So, Sid, I’m sorry, and I’m thankful – both beyond measure.’
‘Wow, you said that without rolling your eyes.’
‘Be serious,’ she chided. ‘I’m here for selfish reasons – I need to know that you forgive me, so that I can get closure and move on. Okay? Let’s try again. I’m sorry and I thank you.’
‘It’s okay, and I appreciate it,’ Siddhant said.
‘Great! I’ll send movers to pick up my stuff and clear out that room,’ Akriti said and got up. ‘Must go. Hate goodbyes. Just give me half a hug and get it over with.’
Siddhant smiled, and got up too. But there were no half measures in the hug he gave her. He could feel her body begin to tremble as he held her, and her arms tighten. When she released him, he heard her sniff quietly before she turned away from him, muttering, ‘Goodbye, Sid.’
‘Bye, Akriti,’ he said to her retreating back.
And just like that, she was gone. He picked up the peace offering she’d left behind. The last white rose.
Epilogue
Three months after moving out from Sid’s apartment, Akriti returned to her job at the hospital. It had been a crazy year, full of very low lows and very few highs. She’d lost a parent, which had left a permanent ache in her heart, but in the past four months, she had found a parent too.
Thinking about her mom brought a smile to her face. Their relationship had changed so drastically, so wonderfully. They’d developed a deep bond, strengthened by their love for the man they’d both lost. As much as her heart ached when they talked about him, it was also cathartic, and over time, thinking about him had become easier. Of late, she’d been able to remember him without feeling sadness.
The long sabbatical she’d taken from work had helped her recalibrate. She didn’t love therapy, but, over time, she had come to hate it less. It was painful to bring up emotions she was trying so desperately to push down, week after week. But she couldn’t deny that it was helping her centre herself. She felt well adjusted, or at least better adjusted, ready to face the world again.
But she also felt anxious about returning to work. The hospital hadn’t been pleased with her break, but they’d eventually been convinced that her reasons were valid. However, work wasn’t the only reason why she was nervous about returning to the hospital. She couldn’t care less about the fact that her co-workers must’ve been talking about her behind her back. What gave her anxiety was facing Sid again …
After all they’d been through, she was surprised by how civil their last interaction had been. Breaking up was the right decision for them, their relationship didn’t work – she knew all of this, but emotions don’t understand reason. She’d wanted to shut her ears to the sound of him talking about Maahi. She still couldn’t picture Sid and Maahi together without feeling hurt and angry, but she had found a way to live with it.
However, it was going to be hard to do that now that she had returned to Delhi. It was going to be even harder to be around him again, because regardless of what he thought, for a moment there, she had really loved him. But no matter how hard it was going to be, she knew she was up to it. And if she were to find out that she wasn’t … she would learn to be okay.
Just as she was about to make her way to the locker room, she noticed Sid, standing across the corridor with Priyesh and two other people, all looking down at something on the iPad Sid was holding. Her heart twisted. She would never forget what she had done to Sid and Priyesh; she would always regret it.
Sid looked up. Akriti caught her breath when his eyes met hers. He looked surprised for a moment, and then he smiled and waved at her.
Small steps, deep breath, she told herself. She would be okay. It wouldn’t happen in a day, or in a week, but it would happen. She would be okay.
Akriti waved back, before turning away and heading towards the lockers. She had a surgery to get to.
Acknowledgements
I wasn’t in a good place, emotionally, when I wrote this book. Physically, I was at home, living with my family, after having lived alone for a year in New Delhi and then four years in New York. But it was being at home physically that helped me get
better emotionally, gain perspective and revaluate things.
So first and foremost, I want to thank my family. Maa, Papa and Bhaiya – you are the best mother, father and brother a girl could ask for. You have the biggest hearts and the most selfless, generous and unconditional way of loving and caring – and I’m not just saying that. I’ve met a lot of people; the world is not a kind place. Also, Maa, I forgive you for the weight I gained while I was home.
The people who are my home away from home: Sandra Meijer-Polak, the Betty to my Veronica, but with reversed personalities; Yannick Meijer, whose company I’ve learned to endure; Nejla Ašimovic, the constant words of support and annoying positivity in my ears; Nick Sheridan, for always telling me I can do it, even on days when I felt like I literally can’t even; Ritu Sirkanungo, for watching the cheesiest movies with me; Laura Marston, traditionally my first reader, who I forgot to send the manuscript to this time.
My team: my agent Anish Chandy, who I couldn’t do this without; Swati Daftuar, who did an extraordinary job editing this book; Shatarupa Ghoshal, who cleaned up my mess, AKA copyedited my manuscript; Shabnam Srivastava, who I’m excited to tour the country with again; Ananth Padmanabhan, who takes me out for the best Asian food; Isha Nagar, who designed this gorgeous book cover.
My readers: those who are picking up my book for the first time, and especially those who keep reading my books and write to me with the most generous compliments and the most interesting observations.
About the Book
Siddhant meets Akriti during their medical residency in Delhi. Their connection is instant, blossoming from the many similarities between them. So, when Akriti faces a devastating loss, she leans on Siddhant for support. In the heat of an emotional moment, the two decide that this must be love.
But as Akriti’s depression begins to take a stronger hold over her, she spirals out of control, sinking deeper into an abyss of fear, insecurity and rage. And while Siddhant struggles to help her, it seems like everything he does is only making things worse.
Meanwhile, things get further complicated when Maahi, Siddhant’s ex-girlfriend whom he never stopped loving, re-enters his life.
Nikita Singh returns with a moving story – exploring emotional health, the boundaries of traditional relationships and second chances.
About the Author
Nikita Singh is the bestselling author of eleven novels, including Letters to My Ex, Every Time It Rains and Like a Love Song. She is also the editor of the collections of short stories 25 Strokes of Kindness and The Turning Point.
After working in the book publishing industry in New Delhi for a few years, she got her MFA in Creative Writing (Fiction) at The New School in New York. Invested in the fight against climate change, she handles marketing for a solar energy company based in Brooklyn.
Nikita is a digital nomad, currently obsessed with travel, tea and thrillers. You can follow her adventures on Instagram and Twitter (@singh_nikita).
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First published in India by
HarperCollins Publishers in 2018
A-75, Sector 57, Noida, Uttar Pradesh 201301, India
www.harpercollins.co.in
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Copyright © Nikita Singh 2019
P-ISBN: 978-93-5302-669-1
Epub Edition © February 2019 ISBN: 978-93-5302-670-7
This is a work of fiction and all characters and incidents described in this book are the product of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Nikita Singh asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this book.
All rights reserved under The Copyright Act, 1957. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this ebook on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins Publishers India.
Cover image and design : Isha Nagar
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