by S Michelle
Sam, Gabe, and I headed up the lift and decided to take an easy run under the quad chair after a long morning on the black runs. Sam was definitely relieved. Although he could more or less keep up, the blue runs were more his speed.
Halfway down, we wound through some trees in a nice sheltered section, and I was so glad Gabe suggested one more run. Even the icy wind couldn’t ruin the beauty. The bare snow gums, twisted branches blasted with snow, were stunning, and the snow had been absolutely epic this week.
I laughed watching Sam windmill his arms for a second going through a couple of trees ahead of me. He almost fell before he got his line back. I headed for the same path and felt a train slam into me before I was turning and cartwheeling through the snow. My face hit the snow, I hit something hard—most likely a tree—and a bolt of lightning sliced through my knee. My head rang, and next thing I knew, a glove was wiping at my face.
“Tom! Tom!”
“Please, Tom. Please wake up. Please, T. Please.” Gabe’s voice sounded wrong. He sounded upset. I hate that tone. I needed to make it better. If I could just get to him—
“Gabe. Are you okay?”
I tried to open my eyes and move my arms. I needed to reach out to him.
“Oh, thank God!” he cried. Then his bare hand was pulling my goggles off and rubbing over my face, wiping the snow off. “Are you okay, T?”
Am I? I wasn’t exactly sure what happened, but when I went to roll over, I regretted it immediately.
“Fuck!” I yelled when I tried to move. My knee felt broken, but with these pants on, I couldn’t see if anything was actually wrong with it. I tried to concentrate through the pain fog enveloping my brain. I needed to know Gabe was okay.
“No. Please don’t move, Tom. Please. Please just stay still.”
I groaned and lay back in the snow. Fuck, my knee hurt, but I would hurt it every day if it got Gabe here by my side. If it got him to touch my face.
* * *
After laying in the medical centre for hours, waiting for an ambulance, Gabe rode to the hospital with me, holding my hand the whole way. Which was kind of awkward, given he had to sit in the seat behind my head, and I was stuck here laying still on the stretcher. I refused to let them put a neck collar on me, despite Sam and Gabe begging me.
The paramedics were devils incarnate when they cut off my pants and moved me. However, I might have proposed to one of them when the green whistle kicked in. Not sure what was in it, but that shit rocked. Add a little morphine on the way to Cooma hospital, and I was content with the long arse wait for my turn for an X-ray and CT scan. Apparently, I wasn’t the only moron who couldn’t stay upright on a snowboard.
Gabe sat with me the whole time, never once letting go of my hand. I thought he was going to lose his shit when the really hot triage nurse was asking me questions. I answered what I could, admiring the tattoos on his forearm. I wondered what tattoos he had under the scrubs, but he chuckled, so maybe I wondered out loud.
Gabe started to get upset. I tried to reassure him I was fine, but he was clearly not going to be reassured until the X-ray and tests all came back okay. After multiple X-rays for my knee, pelvis, and neck, as well as a head CT, I was eventually discharged with a knee brace, a referral, and a few Endone tablets to see me through the night.
When Mr. Hot Nurse told me what they were, I pushed them back at him. “No, I don’t need those. I’m fine. It hardly even hurts.” I may have been more convincing if I hadn’t caught my foot on the chair as I turned. I held back the curse but stumbled.
Gabe caught me. “Please take them, Tom. Please.”
When I continued to shake my head, he added, “How about if Nurse McHotty gives them to Dean to hold? I won’t touch them. I won’t be anywhere near them.”
I still adamantly shook my head. “I don’t need them.”
There was no way on this earth those tablets were coming with us. Gabe slumped his shoulders and mumbled, “I’m sorry, Tom. I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to be in pain because of me.”
* * *
The drive home wasn’t too bad, the pain relief they gave me at the hospital was still working. Once it wore off, the Panadol we had in the house wasn’t anywhere near enough to take the edge off. I headed to bed early. Not because I was tired, but if I had to answer the questions “Are you okay?” or “Can I get you anything?” once more, I was going to lose it.
Hours later, I was still wide awake when the door creaked open. I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep, hoping they would leave without offering help. The door closed again, but I felt the bed dip and knew without words who it was. Gabe snuggled as close as he could without actually touching me, sobbing so quietly I almost didn’t hear it. The sound seared through my chest, and I ached to reach out to him.
“I’m so sorry, T. Please don’t hate me. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t stay away.” He whispered so quietly I could barely make out the words, obviously thinking I was asleep.
I almost opened my eyes and asked him what he meant. Why on earth would I ever hate him?
I loved him more than anything in the world. Right now, even in pain with my knee killing me and a dull ache through my whole body, I was happier than I had been in eighteen months because the other half of my soul was lying beside me.
* * *
In the morning, the other side of my bed was empty when I stirred, and for a moment I sagged in defeat, thinking it was only a dream. But when my brain began to clear, I could feel he had been here. Even though the sheets were cold and empty there was a lingering warmth I could feel in my chest. Convincing Sam and Dean to go riding without us only took a few minutes. I told them if they stayed, they would have to sit with me while I watch musicals on DVD. There was no way I was watching musicals, but they hated them even more than me. They grabbed their heavier jackets from the drying room because it was a colder day.
As they walked out the door, I heard Dean’s teasing voice. “It’s okay, Sam, baby. If you are too cold, we can find some privacy, and I will find a way to warm you up, Daddy.”
I snorted, grimacing when my knee moved, but I didn’t need to worry.
Sam replied before the door shut. “Baby, I have no intention of going anywhere near an arse that has offered more rides than Disneyland.”
I could hear the slap from here.
“Ow! What the fuck, Dean! It was a joke!”
* * *
Gabe fussed over me, hovering, waiting for me to need something. I couldn’t take it anymore. “Gabe, for the love of God, could you sit your arse down?”
He sat, but now his knee bounced while he perched on the edge of the seat, watching me.
“Okay, Gabe, you need to chill. I am going to be stuck here for a while. You don’t need to hover.”
* * *
He opened his mouth and then shut it again without saying anything. I waited. “I’m sorry, Tom.”
I tilted my head at him. “For what? You’re apologising for an accident on the snow? Did you start that run intending to hurt me?”
He sucked in a breath. “No, Tom, no of course not. I would never do anything to hurt you.”
I frowned at him. “But you did.”
Gabe’s shoulders slumped. “I know. I know. I thought I could get past you before that tree. I’m so sorry.”
I threw the pillow across to the other seat and sat up quickly, wincing as my leg moves.
“Fuck, Gabe. I’m not talking about my knee. I don’t give a fuck about my knee. I know that was an accident. Forget it. Just forget it. Stop sulking around. It’s fine. Okay?”
Gabe lept to his feet and mumbled something about the dishwasher, which I watched him unpack all of an hour ago, before he darted out of the room.
* * *
The next couple of days were painful and a little awkward at first, but I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Gabe sat with me while we watched TV. He cooked for me. He didn’t talk much, but simply having him here was enough for now. One d
ay we would talk about what happened. But not yet.
4
On Thursday evening, I was home alone for the first time. Gabe, Dean and Sam were in Jindy watching a band. I binge watched old episodes of The West Wing all day and was getting tired. After a trip to the bathroom, I stripped and rolled into bed in just my pyjama pants. As I scrolled Facebook, I got a messenger alert from Sophia, one of the girls I had met doing a group project with in first year. I hadn’t heard from her for a while, but we had always clicked. She was easygoing, more than a little insane, and I swear to God half the kinky shit she talked about, I had to Google later. I think she knew more about gay sex than I did. She was always trying to lend me books that she swore blind I would love, but romance was not my thing. I opened the message, eager to hear how she was doing.
* * *
Hey Sexy!! It has been 4ever since I’ve seen u. But now I know why you have been so busy. I hope you don’t mind that I looked back through the old videos. Hot AF. After watching intently for the fourth time (oops I mean barely glancing at them) I still don’t know if it’s you or Gabe. Either way, hot as fuck dude. C U soon xxx.
* * *
Then there was a link to a website I had never heard of - ClubSubway/membersx/kink_on_demand. For some reason, I hesitated before clicking on the link. It was a webcam on a fucking kink site. Obviously, it was Gabe. Judging on how long his hair was, it was before his OD because he cut his hair after getting out of hospital, and it had been back to the same length as mine ever since. Working out what I was watching took way longer than it should. When I saw him take his shirt off, watched him rub his hand slowly over his chest and pinch his nipple, I sucked in a breath.
But I kept watching.
Sophia made it sound like there were heaps of videos. I wasn’t sure if I could watch any others, but I needed to know what was out there.
His left hand ran under the waistband of his sweatpants, and his head tipped back as he moaned, but exactly what that hand was doing was hidden from view. He smiled at the camera and ever so slowly lowered his pants to his ankles, then kicked them to the side. I realised he was sitting in his room, on that weird blue chair he took from Mum and Dad’s. Looking into the camera and smiling sweetly, he continued to fondle himself slowly, caressing lightly up and down his shaft. That fucking smile. His right hand wandered back up to play with his nipples as his left hand drifted lower. Fondling and pulling on his balls as he let his legs fall apart.
I shook my head. I shouldn’t have been watching this. I should have turned it off. But before my finger reached the screen, he moaned. Loudly. My hand froze in mid-air. When he lifted his head, his smile widened, and he winked at the camera. He fucking winked. I swear to God that wink was only for me. I wiggled uncomfortably in place, realising my cock was completely unconcerned that my brother was the one moaning. I palmed my dick through my pyjama pants, telling myself to calm the fuck down. I could not get a hard-on watching my brother. But I couldn’t stop watching.
I knew this was wrong. Gabe would be horrified. I was horrified. And yet, when his hand moved from his nipples back down to grasp the base of his shaft, my right hand moved down as well, and I shoved my pyjamas out of the way. My left hand grabbed the base of my dick as my right hand reached lower to cup my balls.
I was a perfect mirror of what he was doing. In a couple of strokes, I was as hard as he was. I matched his movements, stroking myself. When G let his legs fall apart so that I could glimpse his hole, my dick throbbed, and I squeezed tightly for a moment, worried I was going to fucking come just getting a peek at that sweet pink hole. I frantically kicked my pyjama pants off with one foot, careful not to move my left knee, then sank back against the pillows.
G had a look of absolute bliss on his face. His left hand moved low enough to run one finger around his puckered hole, as his right continued to stroke. My breathing was getting shallow, and I wanted to stop almost as much as I needed to never stop. The groan he released when his finger tapped his hole nearly pushed me over the edge, and I had to squeeze my dick to the point of pain so I didn’t miss out on any of these sounds. I wouldn’t let myself let go until he finished. Fuck, I was in heaven. That look on his face. Pure lust and heat.
My pace picked up as his did. I lifted my right hand to suck a finger into my mouth right when he lifted his left. When he reached down to his hole, I had to wiggle my hips a little to give myself more room before I could push my finger inside.
Before I realised what he was doing, Gabe shoved two fingers roughly inside his hole. His guttural moan, followed by spurts of cum shooting across his abs and chest, was enough to send me over the edge before I knew what happened. I continued to shoot, and the spasms running through me seemed to last forever. They went on even longer when Gabe reached up to his chest with one hand and wiped his finger through his cum, then looked at it dripping from his finger for a moment before raising it to his own lips. When I saw his lips wrap around that finger, another final burst of cum shot from me.
I lay spread across the bed, panting, completely spent. I hadn’t even removed the finger in my own arse. Gabe looked straight at the camera, smiled, and then blew a kiss before shutting the laptop. My breathing was still erratic, and I was sweating and covered in cum. A cold wave washed over me as I realised what I had just done.
Oh God. What is wrong with me? Oh God, no.
* * *
I was horrified and more ashamed than I had ever been of anything in my life. I reached over to the tissue box to clean up the evidence, but swore under my breath when I came up with only one tissue left at the bottom. Fuck. One was not going to do. I hadn’t come that hard or that much in… well, ever. I was mortified. I had shuffled towards the edge of the bed to make my way to the bathroom when I heard voices in the hallway. How had I not heard the car or the front door?
I knew damn well how I hadn’t.
* * *
Shit. Shit. Shit
* * *
The bedroom door opened and closed again before I had time to even move. Thankfully, the light was off, giving me a brief moment of privacy. But enough moonlight came in the window to make out shadows. “Hey,” Gabe says quietly. “I thought you might be asleep. How are you d—” He stopped mid-word and moved closer to the bed. “Well, smells like you have been busy.”
The shame rushed through me, and I felt sick. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. I wasn’t entirely sure I was breathing.
Gabe reached for the ensuite light before I could react, which bathed me in light from the doorway. He squeaked and then turned the light straight off. “Shit. Shit. Shit.” I almost laughed at him repeating the words I had said inside my head. “I’m sorry. Shit. Sorry. I’ll—umm—”
“For fuck’s sake, Gabe. Shut up for two seconds. I need my crutches so I can get to the bathroom, and then we will never speak of this again.” Gabe grabbed my crutches and handed them to me. As our hands touched when I grabbed them, I thought I heard Gabe inhale deeply. Obviously not, but it sounded like that.
I hobbled to the bathroom and wiped myself down without turning on the light or shutting the door. If I shut the door, I might never have had the balls to open it again.
“Watching anything decent?” Working out what he meant took a few seconds longer than it should have. “Was it the Sean and Carter scene? Fuck, that was hot! Or was it Levi and B….” When he trailed off, I glanced back to the bed as I reached for my crutches.
The backlight of my phone showed Gabe’s face frozen with a look of complete horror. There was no way I could get to the bed fast enough to rip the phone out of his hands. I had no choice but to stand and watch my life and my relationship with the other half of my heart fall into a heap in front of me. He didn’t move. I expected rage, humiliation. He only sat frozen watching the screen. I left the crutches behind and hopped towards the bed.
* * *
“Gabe?” I whispered, not wanting to startle him. But he didn’t look at me. “Gabe?” I said a bit loude
r.
* * *
This time he dropped the phone and scrambled off the other side of the bed. I tried to reach for him, but my foot caught, and I hissed with pain.
Gabe burst into tears as he backed up against the far wall. “I’m sorry, Tom. I’m sorry,” just as I was reaching out a hand towards him even though I was on the other side of the bed. “I’m sorry. I’m so ashamed of myself. I’m sorry.”
* * *
As I hopped to the other side of the bed, he continued to sob with his arms wrapped around himself. I tentatively put some weight on my left leg, pain shooting through my knee, but I ignored it. My heart was standing there crying, and I was going to get to him.
When I reached him, I extended a hand, and he flinched back like he thought I was going to hit him. I was gutted. I had done this. There was something wrong with me, and I had broken us. Had broken him. My heart.
“Gabe. I am so sorry. I know that’s not enough, but I am. I hate myself right now, and I know you hate me too, but...” My voice broke, and I couldn’t speak as I watched him sob.
Slowly, he lifted his head and looked at me. He wiped his running nose across his arm in an incredibly unattractive way, and I almost smiled. He opened his eyes, but he didn’t look angry or disgusted or shocked like I expected. He was scared.
I wanted to close the distance between us, but I didn’t think he needed it right now. I waited—for the explosion, for the accusations. I knew I deserved them.
But he sniffed and took a deep breath that came out ragged. “Tom, I… God, I’m so sorry you saw that. I ... I mean, I don’t do it anymore… I’m so sorry. Please, please don’t hate me.”