If You're Not the One

by Jemma Forte

  ‘Come on you rowdy lot, listen up now,’ bellowed Steve, a huge grin on his face.

  Jennifer felt a swell of pride. Steve had aged very well and was still incredibly good looking. He hadn’t let himself develop a paunch unlike so many of her friends’ husbands. She glanced now at Pete who was still tucking into the remains of the buffet. That must be at least his third plate and the way his shirt was straining to contain his belly suggested that one small portion would have been plenty. Some people mocked Steve for being groomed and taking care of his personal appearance, which he did because of his job, but she had no complaints and knew his fitness levels contributed to his still healthy libido.

  As Steve waited for quiet, some people persisted in carrying on chattering, forcing others in the crowd to eventually do some very loud ssshhing until those who weren’t listening finally shut up.

  ‘Thank you. Right,’ began Steve. ‘So, as you know we’re all here because, as hard as it is to believe, Jennifer, my beautiful wife, has turned sixty years old today.’

  A few people cheered and someone at the back did a wolf whistle which made everyone laugh.

  ‘Jen, I don’t want you to go anywhere near that man,’ joked Steve, pointing at the culprit. ‘He simply can’t be trusted. Take it from me I know,’ he added, winking at his work colleague to show he was joking. ‘Jen, actually where are you, babe?’ he said scouting the crowd, one hand up to shield his eyes from the sun. ‘I want you up here next to me where we can all see you.’

  ‘I’m here,’ she waved, from where she’d been attempting to keep a low profile by the buffet table.

  Lucy who was stood next to her gave her an encouraging shove.

  ‘Well get up here,’ Steve insisted.

  There was another loud cheer at which point Jennifer realised she definitely should have served the food earlier. They were all three sheets to the wind. Grinning madly she went up to join her husband.

  ‘Come here beautiful,’ said Steve, loving the whole thing and waiting for the cheers to subside. ‘Now, I just want to say in front of all our friends and family that I honestly feel like I owe you my life, for you, Jennifer, are the kindest, most unselfish, gorgeous woman ever to have walked this earth.’

  Jennifer could feel herself welling up. Steve had never been anything but lovely to her. Sometimes he drove her mad, like when he insisted on watching his Price Smash shows back as soon as he got in, or when he refused to go to the theatre or watch anything that wasn’t certified a ‘blockbuster’, but over the years he’d almost drowned her in love, partly due to the guilt he felt over not being able to give her a child. Still, she’d always tried to reassure him that she was happy with her lot. Having their own family simply hadn’t meant to be. It had taken a while for true acceptance to arrive but she’d got there in the end. Strangely she’d been experiencing fresh pangs of grief recently as she’d contemplated not just never being a mother but never being a grandmother. Though she refused to dwell on it for too long, knowing that in so many other ways her life was very blessed. There had been some massive advantages to not having children, ones which they reminded one another of regularly. Over the years she’d witnessed how the very tiring years when children first arrived had damaged some of her friends’ relationships, had turned marriages stale and left people with no energy for anything until they resembled empty, tired husks. Without anyone else to focus their time, energy and indeed money on, she and Steve had been able to concentrate on themselves and what they wanted to do. There had been periods when unlimited time for one another had felt like a luxury they didn’t want, but she simply had to look at the upside or die bitter and full of sadness which would never do. Determined never to lead a life which felt even remotely empty she and Steve had made every effort to achieve the opposite. As a result they were one of the most well-travelled couples she knew, having toured round the continents of India, Africa and America. They’d climbed the Himalayas, raised £110,000 for their charity and, thanks to Steve’s ever increasing salary at Price Smash and not having to shell out on dependents, had never had to worry about money to fund all these ventures. They entertained constantly, played golf, did yoga and took classes. Their lives were full to the brim. Different to the one they would have had given the choice but a perfect example of making the most of your lot and probably far more diverse.

  ‘Not only does she look after me,’ continued Steve now, ‘but she’s always helped take care of my old mum, the duchess, June. All right Mum! In fact, we should all raise a glass to my mum because without her, shopping channels would probably go bankrupt. In fact, if you don’t believe me, take a look at how many figurines are crammed into our cabinets. And in case you were wondering, four combination ovens for a three person household is three too many but there’s no telling her is there, Jen?’

  Laughing, Jennifer shook her head in agreement and gave June a little wink who in turn cackled away, adoring being the centre of attention.

  ‘So here’s to June,’ instructed Steve and there was a long pause as everyone drank from their glass and then raised them. ‘To June.’

  ‘And watch out Kevin Jameson. She’s got her eye on you,’ he quipped which again got a raucous laugh from the Price Smash crowd. ‘Right, lastly I’d like to thank Jen’s parents as well, Lesley and Nigel, you’ve been a constant support to us both over the years. Nigel, we still can’t believe you ran a half marathon only twenty years ago for our charity. I’m not sure we’d want to see you attempt it now but what an achievement that was, mate. I’ll never forget it. And also, Jennifer’s gang of friends, where are you girls? That’s Esther, Karen and Lucy who between them have given the two of us five godchildren in total. We may not have been blessed enough to have our own but they’ve made sure that we’ve had lots of wonderful little people to spoil at Christmas. Of course they’re all grown up now and it’s so lovely that three out of the five could be here today. We really do love you as our own, don’t we Jen?’

  She nodded, a huge lump in her throat constantly threatening to ruin her eye make-up.

  ‘You’ve honestly all enriched our lives, well, apart from the time Suzy stayed over and wet the bed…Sorry Suzy! You were only four, it’s all right, we know you wouldn’t do it now. Although the way I’m drinking today…I might.’

  Another huge laugh.

  ‘Anyway, on a serious note you’ve really all meant the world to us.’

  By now Jennifer had properly gone. She frantically tried to stem her happy tears with a hanky.

  Steve leant in and gave his wife a kiss on the forehead. ‘My darling Jen, you’re one in a million and if we could please now all raise our glasses to my wonderful wife. To Jennifer. Happy birthday, babe.’

  ‘To Jennifer. Happy Birthday,’ said everyone pretty much in unison.

  Much later Jennifer was slumped on the sofa with her best friend. The rest of the guests had left, either having been seen into cabs or, in a couple of cases, had arguments about who’d drunk less and swerved off into the night. Jennifer hadn’t wanted Karen to leave though so she and Pete and their daughter Suzy had decided to stay over. Suzy, Pete and June had all hit the sack leaving Jennifer and Karen to have a good gossip and to laugh from time to time at Steve who was snoring loudly, passed out in the armchair.

  ‘Bless him, he’s wiped out. Ah, you’re a lucky girl you know,’ said Karen, patting her friend’s wrist.

  ‘I do know,’ said Jennifer and it was the greatest feeling in the world to actually mean it.

  ‘Not many people can say their husband adores them like he adores you.’

  ‘Pete adores you,’ said Jennifer.

  Karen gave her an arch look and raised one eyebrow. ‘I’d say adores is a bit strong,’ she countered. ‘Tolerates more like.’

  ‘No. Don’t be silly.’

  ‘Oh we’re all right,’ said Karen. ‘We’re fine and I’m very fond of him even though I do wish he’d take a leaf out of Steve’s book and do a bit of bloody exercise. These d
ays it’s like going to bed with a big hairy buffalo.’

  Jennifer snorted.

  ‘It is! When he rolls on top for a quickie I feel like I’m getting crushed,’ she complained.

  ‘Yeah well, I think you two are great and you’ve got lovely Suzy,’ said Jennifer, the drink making her sound more wistful than she would ordinarily allow herself to be.

  ‘I know, love,’ said Karen, ‘although you know she sees you as her second mum. You are her second mum.’

  Jennifer squeezed her hand. ‘Right you, come on. Time for bed. Now we’re old crones and eligible for our bus passes we need all the sleep we can get.’

  ‘We do,’ said Karen, heaving herself reluctantly from the sofa. ‘Love you, Jen.’

  ‘Love you too,’ said Jennifer, going over to attempt to wake up Steve so she could get him up to bed where they would both sleep very soundly.

  FRIDAY—THE DAY OF THE ACCIDENT

  Jennifer was ready which had taken a huge effort. Max had somehow managed to mess up the entire house during his day off. When Jennifer had returned home from her therapy session she’d walked in only to find the girls’ bedrooms in a complete state. Every toy had been pulled out in the lounge and nothing had been cleared up from lunch. Still, she’d managed not to say anything. The kids were having a lovely time playing with their dad and despite her broken arm and how uncomfortable her cast was, Eadie was in good spirits. So that was the main thing.

  Later though, the minute Max left the house to go to the gym, it meant Jennifer only had a small window of time to get everything ready for her night of seduction. In order to have the children fed, bathed and in bed, the house tidy, the dinner on, herself looking attractive and wearing sexy underwear underneath her clothes, she’d had to run around like a woman possessed.

  She was finally ready now but slightly concerned she’d be too exhausted for the sex she was making all this effort for.

  Nevertheless, as she crept out of her bedroom, she felt a flush of excitement as her satin G-string rode up her bum. How anyone could wear these for non-sexual pursuits she had no idea but she was happy to suffer it for tonight. She went to check on the girls. By some miracle it seemed they were both actually asleep. Yes!

  Then, just at that second, Eadie, who on the contrary was still very much awake, rather ruined the moment by calling from her bed, ‘Muuuumy.’

  Damn. Jennifer cursed inwardly. She should have known it was too good to be true.

  She tiptoed into her bedroom. ‘What is it?’ she asked, slightly impatiently. She and Max so desperately needed to have a good night together she’d worked herself up into a bit of a state. ‘Come on now,’ she said to her daughter. ‘It’s time to go to sleep.’

  ‘I’m not tired though.’

  ‘Yes you are,’ insisted Jennifer, halfway out the door again. She wanted to make a nice mushroom sauce to pour over the steak.

  ‘What time is it?’ said Eadie, refusing to play ball though and sitting up and looking around as perky as a meerkat, waving her plaster-cast about.

  ‘Ten o’clock,’ lied Jennifer.

  ‘Ten o’clock?’

  ‘Yes, it’s very, very late.’

  Eadie didn’t look convinced. She wasn’t stupid. Apart from anything else it didn’t feel like ten o’clock, probably because it was only quarter to eight.

  Just then they both heard Max’s key in the door.

  ‘Daddy!’

  ‘OK, that is Dad and I’m sure he’ll come up quickly to say night night, but then we’re going to have some grown up time, so I want you to go to bed like a good girl. If you go to sleep nice and quickly I’ll buy you some sweets tomorrow.’

  ‘Can I have a magazine too?’ said Eadie, spotting an opportunity.

  ‘Eadie,’ hissed Jennifer, her patience starting to wear thin. ‘Don’t you blackmail me. I’m getting cross now. Just go to bed.’

  Jennifer left the room and went downstairs to see Max.

  ‘Hello,’ she said, ‘how are you?’

  ‘Good, that was full-on today. Legs are going to kill tomorrow. I need a shower. Are the girls already in bed?’

  ‘Yes, well Polly is. Eadie’s still awake. In fact, can you quickly say goodnight to her, then with a bit of luck we can have our dinner in peace.’

  ‘Mm smells lovely, what are we having?’

  ‘Steak, salad, jacket potatoes with sour cream, and corn on the cob.’

  ‘Oh wow,’ said Max. ‘Fantastic, I could eat a horse.’

  ‘Well you’ll need to leave some room for me,’ said Jennifer, in an attempt to get the whole sex thing rolling. Her comment was rather lost however because Max was looking straight past her.

  ‘Hello Eadie Beadie,’ he said, managing to ignore what Jennifer had said quite magnificently and gazing up at his daughter who had just appeared at the top of the stairs, arm aloft. She looked like a mini angel of the North.

  ‘What are you doing?’ spluttered Jennifer. ‘You promised Mummy you’d stay in bed.’

  ‘All right,’ said Max, ‘calm down, she’s not doing anything. It’s not even eight yet anyway.’

  ‘See,’ said Eadie triumphantly.

  Jennifer gave up. Leaving them to it she took a deep breath and headed to the kitchen to make her sauce.

  By the time Max finally appeared, showered and wearing a T-shirt and checked pyjama bottoms, dinner was on the table.

  ‘Ooh this looks amazing,’ said Max appreciatively. ‘A bit of red meat’s just what I fancy.’

  ‘Me too,’ joked Jennifer, injecting tons of innuendo into her voice and wondering if she should flash Max a bit of stocking so that he’d get the hint. ‘Is Eadie asleep by the way?’

  ‘What do you think?’

  Jennifer groaned. ‘Do you think she wants us never to have sex again for the rest of our lives or something? It’s like she knows.’

  ‘It doesn’t matter,’ said Max tucking in. ‘She’ll be asleep soon enough so let’s just enjoy our dinner, take our time, savour it, and by the time we’re done and maybe have had another glass of wine she’ll be out like a light and we can go upstairs and have sex.’

  ‘OK,’ said Jennifer, feeling calmer. Honestly, once they’d got tonight out of the way she was going to ensure they got back into a routine of having sex far more regularly. Leaving it this long meant she was actually nervous. Not in an exciting, butterflies in the stomach type of way either. Instead it had reached the point where having sex with her husband felt like some sort of barrier she had to cross. She knew this was a slippery slope and was terrified of starting to view Max as her best friend or housemate. She needed him to want to be physically intimate with her and vice versa. Simply put, occasionally having your husband’s penis inserted into you was what marked your relationship out as special and different to the one you had with everyone else wasn’t it? She picked up her wine glass and pretty much drained it.

  ‘So anyway, how was therapy?’ enquired Max, slathering his steak with mustard. ‘Helpful?’

  Jennifer appreciated him making the effort to ask. She was well aware that really he thought it was a load of old hokum.

  ‘It was fine,’ she said. ‘In fact, it was good.’

  ‘Good,’ said Max, as if that was all sorted then.

  ‘I mean there’s a long way to go but…you know…I felt like I really got something out of it today.’

  ‘Eadie, what are you doing down here, sweetheart?’ asked Max as their daughter suddenly appeared at the door.

  Jennifer glared at her daughter.

  ‘I can’t sleep, my arm’s itchy.’

  Jennifer stopped glaring, felt guilty and rearranged her face into one of concern instead. ‘Hang on, I’ll go and find the Calpol.’

  One hour later and Eadie was finally asleep, Jennifer and Max were both stuffed with food and had polished off a bottle and a half of red between them. Jennifer’s face was hot and she could feel her tongue furring up from the tannin already.

  None of this was par
ticularly conducive to sex but she didn’t care.

  ‘Right, shall we go upstairs then?’ she suggested, almost briskly. If she could have done, at this point she’d have just herded him up the stairs if that was what it took. Anything to just get the deed bloody well done.

  ‘Yes,’ said Max, ‘let me just check in with Judith first though. Make sure everything was OK today, what with me being out of the office.’

  ‘Why don’t you do that after?’ asked Jennifer, trying not to sound intensely irritated.

  ‘Because I’d rather get it out of the way,’ said Max, ‘and also because I don’t want to disturb her too late.’

  Jennifer was definitely quite drunk because she felt like sticking her tongue out and giving the whole notion of him ringing Judith the finger. Still, she found some restraint from somewhere.

  ‘OK, well be quick won’t you?’ she said, walking as sexily as she could out of the room. ‘I’ll be waiting upstairs for you…although, actually hang on, I need to take some water up. That wine’s made my mouth so dry.’

  When did life get so unspontaneous she thought, scuttling back to the tap?

  Twenty minutes later Jennifer was starting to get deeply pissed off. She’d been lying wantonly on the bed in her temptress underwear waiting for Max for ages now. As soon as she’d got upstairs the first thing she’d done was to check that the girls were definitely asleep. Upon finding out they were, she’d stripped off, only leaving on her new bra, stockings, suspenders and G-string (cheesewire). She’d put on her highest pair of stilettos, glugged down half a pint of water, brushed her teeth and then arranged herself on the bed and waited, all the while contemplating how she was pretty sure that there had once been a time when she and Max had barely been able to make it up the stairs so eager were they to have sex with one another. Making her wait like this was very depressing and didn’t exactly make her feel very attractive. It was almost like he’d be doing her a favour or something. As if having intercourse would be his final chore of the day. I mean, why of all times did he have to pick now to phone bloody Judith? He’d had all day to do it. If he’d been truly looking forward to a night of passion like she had, wouldn’t he have called her earlier and got it out of the way?