Her sister, on the other hand, seemed so ready, so mentally prepared for becoming a mother. All the aspects that excited Raelynd, terrified Meriel. Her one comfort was that she would have her sister to lean on for advice.
An hour later, Meriel was glad the subject had finally changed from the baby to one that concerned only Rae and Crevan and did not require her to participate. Dinner over, Raelynd threw a small piece of bread at Meriel, hitting her squarely on the cheek. She grinned when Meriel’s head snapped around to give her a menacing stare. “Stop looking out the window. It is you who is keeping Craig from coming home. All wives have the power to bring our husbands home, and you are not using yours.”
Crevan crossed his arms and gave his wife a solid stare. “And pray tell, how does this power w-w-work?”
Raelynd stuck her chin up in the air and replied, “You must trick fate into thinking that you are no longer interested in your husband’s whereabouts. That is when he will appear.”
Crevan threw his head back and growled. “Do you hear your daughter, Rae? She thinks she commands f-f-fate!”
Meriel thought Raelynd ridiculous, but Crevan’s mocking made her rally to her sister’s side. Plus, it did not hurt to try. Determined not to look out the window even one more time, she turned around and was scrambling to find some question to ask her father to get her mind off Craig’s absence when he burst in the door, carrying several bridles.
“What the hell?!” he blurted, seeing a roomful of his in-laws staring at him.
Meriel knew instantly that the passage of time had not caused Craig’s bad mood to dissipate at all. His left arm and part of his face were caked with mud, and the portion of his face she could discern looked incredibly tired. She jumped up out of her chair and went to his side, giving him an apologetic smile. “I chose the wrong day to surprise you with keeping my promise, didn’t I?” she asked in a faint voice. “I did not know.”
Craig closed his eyes and cursed silently to himself. “Aye, it was not the best.” He sighed, attempting to find the best way to ask his brother and Meriel’s family to leave so that they could reschedule for another night. Any other day, he would have pushed aside his weariness and enjoyed their company, especially as it was the fulfillment of a promise Meriel had made to him. But not tonight. Not after the day he had had. “We were breaking in that new wild horse—”
“The one you found on the ridge last week?” Rae Schellden asked.
Craig nodded and raked his hands through his hair. Both he and Rae hoped the animal would not prove to be too much for them. The black beast was a monster, and if he could be broken he would be an excellent war horse that could carry any size Highlander for long distances without tiring. “But so far, the beast is winning. But I have not given up,” Craig muttered, tossing the muddy bridles haphazardly into the front room.
They landed with a soft thud on one of the various piles stashed in the room.
Seeing where they landed and the mud splattered everywhere, Meriel reacted violently. “What did you do!” she shrieked, running into the room.
He followed her to see what she was so upset about. From what he could see, it was only another set of materials that had no purpose. “It’s just a little mud, Meriel. You can wash it off,” he drawled unapologetically.
Meriel seethed inside. She had always known that Craig did not truly understand her work, but she at least thought he respected her. Meriel picked up the fragile black linen cloth that was on the top of the pile and had received the brunt of the grimy onslaught. Uncaring that her family was a few feet away and could see and hear everything, she pulled it out for Craig to see. Stitched on the black surface was a detailed outline of a woman lovingly carrying her newborn babe. “This,” she hissed, “was to be a present for my sister. And no, Craig, it cannot just be washed. It is ruined.”
He reached down and grabbed the bridles. Each of Meriel’s words had been uttered coldly through gritted teeth, and the shards of bitter anger struck deep. Guilt washed over him when he realized that he had been deservedly admonished. But it was the wounded pride that spoke for him. “What do you expect?” he growled. “I arrive to a houseful of guests, when all I wanted was to come home, clean up where it was warm, and after grabbing something to eat, get some sleep.”
Meriel’s eyes glinted and she could feel her lungs squeeze so tight that it was difficult to breathe. “You were the one who suggested having everyone come here.”
“Aye, I did. But was it too much to ask that you send word that you wanted to have it tonight? Or even ask whether today was a good day?”
All at once Meriel was desperately weary. Her head hurt, her legs trembled, and she knew she was in danger of falling to the floor. “I wanted it to be a surprise.”
“Guess what! I’m surprised!” he yelled as his angry gaze swung over her to the group who were rising to their feet in the other room. Then, in a much calmer voice, he said, “What a wretched day. I’m going to ask our guests to lea—”
“I’m pregnant.”
The cottage went silent. The murmurings between Crevan, Raelynd, and her father as they bundled up to leave, immediately ceased.
Craig just stared at her. “No, you can’t be,” he muttered softly, though he was screaming the words in his head. The dread in his voice was unmistakable.
Meriel swallowed. She had anticipated the look of pure joy on Craig’s face at the prospect of becoming a father, not this reaction. She was a fool. A month ago he had told her his position on having a family. He did not want one. But they had both better get ready, for in a few short months they were going to have a child. “I met with the midwife this morning. I am going to have a baby next summer.”
Craig stood there, stunned, unable to digest the news. He did not want it to be true. It could not be true. But he knew it was, and it felt as if he had been given Meriel’s death sentence.
Raelynd bustled around her frozen-stiff brother-in-law to give Meriel what hug she could while trapped under several blankets. “Congratulations! I cannot believe it! My sister and I are going to have children at the same time. I’m so excited. And don’t worry about him,” she said, using her thumb to point over her shoulder at Craig. “He is just in a state of shock that he is about to become a father. He’s tired, and I think he wanted to keep you to himself a little while longer. But trust me, in a couple of months he will start to feel like another layer of skin, he will smother you so much.”
Crevan came up and put his hand on his wife’s shoulder and gave her a loving squeeze. Raelynd beamed at him. “I would not have it any other way.”
Rae then gathered Meriel into his arms, tears forming in his eyes. “My babies are having babies. If only your mother were here to witness this. She would be so happy.” Then in a whisper he added, “Do not worry about Craig, sweetheart. He’s happy. He’s just scared.”
Before Meriel could ask him about what, Rae let go, told Craig to take care of his daughter, and followed Crevan and Raelynd out the door, leaving Meriel and Craig to fight alone. But neither had any fight left.
“I cannot believe it is true,” Craig said gently, putting his hand on her shoulder in a possessive gesture.
Meriel shrugged him off; she did not want to be touched by him. “What do you expect after making love to me practically every night?”
Craig pivoted to keep her in his sight as she maneuvered around him to get back into the main room. When she headed to the chairs, he followed her, stopping her before she could sit down. “I thought that since your mother and your sister could not get pregnant easily, neither would you.”
“Well, you were wrong. This truly has been a wretched day for you, hasn’t it? First work, then an unwanted surprise party, and worst of all, you find out your wife is pregnant with your child.”
The despair in her voice was so acute that it caused him physical pain. He gathered her in his arms. “Learning that you are going to have my child is the best part of my day. Not the worst.”
&
nbsp; Meriel gave him a slight, unsuccessful shove. “I know you don’t want a family. You told me so a month ago, but it was probably too late even then,” she murmured against him, her voice cracking. “I guess you were wrong about that too. God doesn’t know better than to give us a child.”
Craig frowned but did not say a word. Instead, he knelt down and slipped off her shoes, glad Meriel did not protest. Then he gently removed her gown, lifted her up, and settled her into the chair, nestling a blanket around her. Once he was satisfied that she was comfortable, he went to the table and picked up the pitcher of water, thankful that it was full. He then poured it into an empty pot and hung it inside the hearth. Venturing back to the table, he selected several pieces of meat, placing them between two pieces of bread. Once he finished eating the makeshift sandwich, he downed some ale and went back to the fire where he removed the pot and set it down next to her chair. Meriel was curious but was too tired to ask what he was doing or why.
Craig went and fetched what looked to be a scrap piece of bluish material and said, “Can I use this? Get it wet?”
Meriel shrugged in resignation, too tired to argue and tell him that the soft silk cloth was imported and she had planned to use it in a wall-hanging someday. Dipping it in the warm water, Craig began to wipe her cheek clean of the mud that had transferred to her when he held her close. Then he quickly removed his shirt and washed the mud off his face and arms. He took the pot and disappeared outside into the cold. A handful of seconds later, he darted back into the cottage, his head wet from dumping the remaining water over it in an effort to remove the last of the mud.
Rubbing his hands briskly in his wet hair, Craig shivered, walked to the back of the cottage, and said, “Brrrr. Winter will be here soon.” Meriel was watching him with large gold-and-green eyes filled with the despair she felt inside, but if he noticed, he did not say anything. Instead, Craig picked her up and sat down, cuddling her in his lap. “I need you to warm me up.”
Meriel felt her heart breaking. He was being so kind, so nurturing, but deep down she knew Craig wished her to be anything other than pregnant with his child. And while she would have preferred waiting to start a family, now that she knew his baby was growing inside her, she wanted it more than anything. That he did not feel the same made her feel incredibly alone.
“Meriel, I want the baby.” The words were soft and heartfelt, but she could still hear the fear in his voice.
She shook her head, not wanting him to lie to her.
“I do. I want us to have a family. Very much. Nothing could make me prouder than to have a son with my jovial disposition and your stubborn streak, or a daughter who drives her mother crazy because she loves horses and cares nothing for the artistry of a needle.” He took a deep breath. “But to have a child means you have to carry it. And your family’s history when it comes to pregnancy terrifies me. I cannot lose you. I will not. I am not like your father. I do not have the strength to continue living without you.”
Meriel sat with her cheek against his warm chest, listening to the racing beat of his heart. “I’m healthy. I am strong. Nothing is going to happen to me.”
Craig nodded and hugged her tightly to him, unable to speak. Nothing would happen to Meriel. He would not let it. After several minutes, when he found his voice once again, he said, “I guess this explains why you have been so cranky lately.”
Meriel pinched his side. “Aye, it explains me. Now, if we just had a reason that could explain your irritable disposition.”
“What are you talking about? I’m always cheerful.”
“You certainly were not tonight.”
“That was an exception.” He paused. “I am sorry for ruining your party. It looked like it was going well before I spoiled it.” Meriel shrugged, suggesting that she had not enjoyed the event as much as everyone else had. “What happened?”
“Nothing, really. It is only that Raelynd is so happy. She actually enjoys being pregnant, while I find it miserable being sick and tired all the time. She’s already planning names for her child and is in the process of setting up a room and everything. We cannot even find ample space for our things. Where am I going to put a baby?”
“Shhh,” Craig murmured, unhappy that she was still distressed. “We will adjust.”
“How? We have both been so insistent on remaining ‘ourselves,’ we don’t know how to be any other way. The past couple of months have proved that.”
“And the last two weeks have shown that when we want to, we can make things work.”
“It’s not only that. Raelynd is the one who should be a mother. Not me. I know nothing about babies, let alone raising a child.”
Craig closed his eyes. “You will be a terrific mother, and trust me, several times in the course of our child’s life will he or she be thankful that you, and not their aunt, are their mother. Think about it,” he said, very serious. “Who would you want to teach you life’s harsh lessons—you or your sister?”
Meriel giggled. “Lyndee can be a little demanding sometimes.”
“All the time,” Craig corrected. “I’m not sure how Crevan deals with it.”
“Simple. He’s just like her.”
It was Craig’s turn to chuckle. “You are right. But even if you were not, I would want only you to mother my child. There are things you will give our son or daughter that no other person could. All the qualities I love about you. Your gift of beauty and your quiet—well, usually quiet—resolve, your untold stubbornness; all of these I cannot wait to see grow in abundance in our child.”
Meriel sighed deeply, finally content, at least for the moment. Craig let go the breath he had been holding. Everything he said was true. He wanted their child. He thought Meriel would be an incredible mother and would bestow all her wonderful gifts on their babe as it grew into an adult. But that did not allay his fears.
Meriel had just fallen asleep when a loud banging on their door woke her. “What . . . who is that?” she asked.
Craig lifted her and put her back in the chair to go find out. Refusing to wait, Meriel rose and wrapped the blanket around her and followed him. He grimaced and was about to tell her to stay back, away from the cold, especially as she was in her chemise, but there was a stubborn glint in her eye and the last thing he wanted was a debate about who was going to answer the knock.
Yanking the heavy wooden door open, he recognized one of the castle guards. “I’ve brought news,” the guard said gravely. “Your sister, my lady, has fallen ill. And your brother, Commander, has asked for you to come at once.”
Craig’s expression went blank and he nodded. He closed the door and leaned against it. His greatest fear wrenched his insides. Meriel had already rushed back to their room to put on a clean gown. A minute later, he felt a shirt being tossed over his shoulder. Mechanically, he put it on and then went to make sure Meriel would be warm enough for the short journey.
They arrived at the castle and went straight to the keep but had only started ascending the first few steps when they met Rae, who was coming down. His face was grave and unshed tears brimmed in his eyes.
“The baby did not survive,” he said simply.
Craig had served either for Rae or with him for years. They had seen atrocities of battle. Witnessed close friends die in painful, god-awful ways. Horrors that should never be spoken of, they had experienced together. But never had Craig seen Rae look so despondent. Craig wanted to scream at the injustice, knowing his brother felt even worse. And deep down, the fear he felt for Meriel had just grown exponentially.
“Crevan, upstairs?” Craig choked.
“Aye,” Rae answered, but when Meriel went to follow her husband, he touched her arm and shook his head. “It’s best if Raelynd doesn’t see you right now. Wait until she asks for you.”
Meriel stood immobile as she digested all that she had been told. Her sister, so happy, so thrilled at the knowledge that she was soon to become a mother, had just lost her baby. It was unfair, wrong, and cruel. An
d deep down, Meriel knew she was to blame. Her legs went weak, and the world went dark.
Craig caught her before she fell. “I need to get Meriel home,” he said brokenly. “Tell my brother that I will return once I know that she is all right.”
Craig pivoted and felt all his emotions start to boil within him. Never had he felt more helpless. The people he loved most in this world were hurting, and he knew this time there was no solution that could make things better.
Soon he might be joining them in their despair.
Chapter 14
The faint light from the dying fire in the hearth revealed Meriel’s dispirited, shuttered expression, igniting an emotion other than desire to stir in Craig. Fear. They had received the shocking news of Raelynd’s and Crevan’s loss almost two weeks ago. Meriel refused to go to the castle, saw no one except him, and barely responded to his attempts at conversation. He was losing her bit by bit, and he had no idea what to do.
After Raelynd lost her baby, Meriel had been consumed with cleaning their cottage. Her need to work, to keep busy, he understood, but then it went beyond removing the clutter. Every corner had been cleaned. Every item was put away; and if there was not room for it, it was disposed of. For two days, Craig had tried everything he could think of to get her to slow down. He cajoled, commanded, even pleaded, but all attempts to sway her from the task seemed to create only more anxiety within her. Eventually he stopped trying to interfere and returned home several times a day to force her to rest and take some nourishment.
On the fourth day, he had come home to check on her and found her sitting on the vacant floor near the hearth, staring at her hands. The place was so organized it felt empty. Nothing was in view. Not one thing was on the floor or in a pile. Nothing was out of place. Craig felt like he had entered Raelynd’s home, not his, and it was then that he realized what Meriel had been doing. Maybe not intentionally, but being barred from her sister’s bedside, it was the only way Meriel had to show her sorrow.
Michele Sinclair - [McTiernays 05] Page 33