by Rob Sinclair
‘I guess it is.’
‘I had a great time, Cara.’
I pulled the door open for her.
‘It was good,’ she said, looking up at me. ‘We’ll definitely do it again.’
‘I’d like that.’
‘Can’t wait … Goodnight then.’
‘Night.’
We stood in awkward silence for just a split-second and then Cara moved toward me and craned her neck to reach up to me. I guessed she was just trying to give me a friendly kiss on the cheek, and I leaned in to do the same, but she took me completely by surprise when she planted a lingering kiss on my lips. I stood stunned, my eyes wide with shock.
She moved away, laughing. ‘Are you always so stiff and awkward when you kiss a girl?’
‘No … I … er … not at all –’
‘Okay, let’s try that again then.’
Cara came back and this time I didn’t hesitate. Our lips parted and we wrapped our arms around each other, squeezing each other tightly as the passion of the kiss grew.
I was holding the door open with my leg and Cara stepped backward, into the building, taking me with her. We sidestepped, the kiss becoming more frantic and clumsy, our hands roaming over each other’s bodies.
We passed the lift and fell through a door into the stairwell, where we stopped for a minute and got our embrace back under some sort of control. But the power of lust and temptation washing through our intoxicated bodies was too much. We shimmied backward and Cara half-stumbled over the bottom step, falling down onto her back, with me following on top of her.
For the first time our lips parted and I stared into her eyes, seeing the fiery thirst of desire. She leaned forward and lightly bit my bottom lip, and then we began to kiss again, even more frantically than before.
Her hands moved down and began to unbuckle my belt. Then she pulled down her leggings and panties and I whipped down my jeans. We both let out an excited murmur as I gently pushed inside her and we began to clumsily but fervently have sex right there on the stairs.
Our bodies bucked and jolted in ecstasy for a few seconds when we both came just a couple of minutes later. Then we lay there, completely still and uncomfortably silent.
I kissed her on the cheek, then got to my feet and began to pull up my boxer shorts and jeans.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said, barely able to look her in the eyes.
‘What for?’ she said, getting to her feet and looking more than a little annoyed by my reaction.
‘That shouldn’t have happened. I mean …’ I trailed off. I had been about to say I was married. But did I really owe any loyalty to Gemma? And Cara certainly didn’t to her husband.
‘I wanted it to happen,’ Cara said.
‘Are you sure you’re going to feel like that in the morning?’
‘I didn’t fuck you because I’m drunk,’ she blasted. ‘I did it because I wanted to. And I thought you wanted to.’
‘I did. I mean … I’m just …’
I stopped digging and shut my mouth, moved over to her and grabbed her with both arms.
‘I did want to,’ I said, before planting my lips back on hers. ‘And I’m glad we did.’
When I moved my face away I saw the look of annoyance dissipating.
‘I want to see you again,’ I said. ‘I really mean that. I really like you.’
‘I want that too,’ she said coyly.
With the awkward moment all but forgotten, we embraced and kissed one last time before we said goodbye. I watched longingly as Cara climbed up the stairs toward her apartment. But as she moved out of sight my positivity quickly evaporated and a feeling of remorse filled me. Not because of what we’d just done, but because I was absolutely certain that bringing Cara into my unsettled world could only end badly for her.
Though I could never have anticipated quite how badly events would soon spiral out of control.
CHAPTER 41
‘Did you see Cara again?’ she asked.
‘Of course,’ I said.
‘You mentioned you felt remorse. About what exactly?’
‘It’s hard to explain. There was some guilt, certainly. I don’t know why, but I felt I had this ulterior motive for wanting to be with her, as though I was trying to get back at Gemma. But that wasn’t true at all, because I really did like Cara. I knew from the first time we spoke that there was a connection between us.’
‘Wasn’t it just lust, for both of you?’
‘No,’ I said. ‘Absolutely not. I genuinely liked her. Having sex with her in that stairwell … it wasn’t a mistake exactly because we both wanted it, but it wasn’t what I’d intended either.’
‘What had you intended?’
‘I enjoyed her company that night, and I think she enjoyed mine too. I felt so natural with her. It would have been a perfectly good night even if it had ended without a single kiss. What happened … it was her as much as me. Her more than me, in fact.’
‘What did that tell you about her?’
‘That she was unhappy. That she was grateful that someone other than that no-good husband of hers was giving her attention. And that she liked me.’
‘When did you see her next?’
‘A couple of nights after that.’
‘Did you sleep with her again?’
‘No. Not that night anyway. Like I said, it wasn’t about that. Well, no, it was – I mean, part of it was. I just wanted to see her. Whenever I was with her I felt happy and positive, which was a relief given everything else that was happening.’
‘What about Gemma? Did you feel guilty for having betrayed your wife?’
‘I didn’t betray her,’ I said with absolute conviction.
‘You had sex with another woman.’
‘Gemma threw me out.’
‘But you were still married, and at one point you said you wanted to get back together with her.’
‘I don’t know what I wanted. But either way, it was Gemma’s decision to kick me out. If she hadn’t done that then I probably would never have met Cara.’
‘That sounds like a convenient excuse.’
‘It’s anything but.’
‘What would you have felt if Gemma had done the same? If she had sex with another man at that time?’
‘I probably would have found the man and ripped his balls off, but I’m not sure I was exactly in a good state of mind overall.’
She paused for a beat to write down what I’d said.
‘I was being facetious,’ I said.
She looked up. ‘I know. My point was, though, that you must have known Gemma would have been seriously hurt by your infidelity, and yet you’re claiming you felt no kind of guilt?’
‘I didn’t sleep with Cara to get revenge on Gemma. Me and Cara … just happened.’
‘Except you very deliberately crafted the moment with Cara to enable you to go out with her. You said so yourself. I’m not sure I’d say that it just happened.’
‘But there was nothing sinister about that. I just liked Cara and wanted to get to know her. And it was never intended as revenge against Gemma. You have to understand that Gemma and I had been on the rocks for a long time. I loved her – as the mother of Chloe … and Harry, I truly loved her. But as a partner, it was clear to both us that it wasn’t working. There was just nothing there anymore. For the security of the kids, sure, some part of me wanted to be back with her, but that was the only reason.’
‘You’re just talking about sexual attraction, though, aren’t you?’ she countered. ‘That’s all you were lacking with Gemma and all that you found with Cara.’
‘You make it sound sleazy, but really there’s nothing wrong with that, is there?’
‘Would you say lust is a strong basis for a relationship?’
‘Sexual attraction is how the human species has mated and reproduced for thousands of years. Without that attraction in a relationship it’s hard to keep it going. You may think that sounds childish or selfish, or like I’m a sex-crazed
imbecile who has no control over his libido, but that’s just not it. I liked Cara. I had real feelings for her, which I’d only ever felt before with Alice. I really wanted to be with her.’
‘You never felt like that about Gemma? Even at the start?’
‘With Gemma it was different. Yes, when we first got together I fancied her, I really did. She’s beautiful, and my lust for her led to our affair, which ultimately, some time after Alice’s death, led to our marriage. But after that lust wore off, the feelings just weren’t there like they were for Alice. The relationship was empty.’
‘But you meeting Cara is quite reminiscent of you first meeting Gemma – when you cheated on Alice. You’ve suggested that Alice was the perfect partner for you, but the picture you’ve painted of your relationship with her was that it was far from rosy in the end.’
‘Of course it was far from rosy. She slept with another man.’
‘And you slept with another woman, Gemma.’
‘But I wanted it to work with Alice, I really did. I put everything I could into making that marriage work.’
‘And was it working?’
‘We were still married when she was killed, so I’d say it had been.’
‘But was it really working?’
‘Our relationship was perfect,’ I said. ‘But that kind of pure happiness can never last. It’s impossible. Life is too complex. We weathered the storms, we did our best, but you’re right: in the end our best wasn’t enough.’
CHAPTER 42
My relationship with Alice had never quite recovered following her betrayal. Although the marriage had carried on and we’d brought Harry into the world, her infidelity was always there in the background.
Plus there was Gemma. Would my life have panned out differently if Gemma hadn’t come along? Maybe, but it’s impossible to know. The affair with Gemma was a mistake. My relationship with her wasn’t planned, and I hadn’t slept with her purely out of spite, even though I know that’s why my guard was down when we first started our affair.
So why her? Well, Gemma was, quite simply, a stunner. Yes, later our relationship had its troubles, and I don’t think either of us could have predicted where those first passionate encounters would lead, but I’ll happily admit that what first attracted me to Gemma was that she was drop-dead gorgeous. And maybe just another small part of it was the fact that she was Whitely’s daughter.
From her very first day in the office Gemma had caused quite the stir. Whitely had brought her in part-time as an office assistant, a general dogsbody who ran errands. It was essentially a bogus position and it was clear to everyone that the job only existed because Whitely wanted it to. Yet no-one thought any less of Gemma because of it. She was charming and happy and people liked her being around. Everyone was drawn to Gemma. I was. And just look at the trouble that got me into.
My life with Alice was going through so much change when Gemma and I first got together. The change had started some months before that. Though neither of us had known it at the time, Alice had been pregnant with Harry when she’d slept with Craig Fletcher.
When we’d subsequently found out that she was expecting, just a few weeks after her coming clean to me, it was a shock to say the least. It should have been a happy moment – for both of us. Instead my immediate response was to be left wondering what could have been. My life, our lives together, had so very nearly been flawless. If only she’d known of her pregnancy beforehand, she would never have found herself pushed to Fletcher in the first place.
Harry should have saved us, should have brought us closer together once more. If anything, he pushed us further apart. As well-behaved as Harry was, as much as I loved him then and now, in the end he represented just another further wedge between me and Alice.
My relationship with Alice came to a head when I arrived home from work one evening, a little after six. Harry was having an uncharacteristic tantrum. My immediate thought was that the mournful look on Alice’s face was because of the trouble he was causing.
Harry was lying on her lap, his face a deep red, his eyes squeezed shut. His whole body was writhing and bucking and he was screaming so hard his voice had grown hoarse. I expected Alice to bung him over to me the minute I walked through the door so she could leave the room to have a breather. That was her usual approach on the odd occasion that Harry lost control and when Alice was fraught and at a loss as to what to do with him.
This time, however, she clung on to him even more tightly and she turned her body away from me, barely acknowledging my entrance.
‘Come on, give him to me,’ I said, walking up to her and holding my hands out.
‘No,’ Alice snapped. ‘I’m fine. I can handle it.’
Her forthright tone knocked me back, but I assumed it was Harry’s behaviour that was stressing her out.
I ignored her words and reached out and pulled Harry away from her. She resisted for a second, but then let go. I cradled Harry in my arms, gentling swinging him back and forth, and within seconds his cries had died down and he opened his eyes and stared at me intently. I gazed back and felt that immense sense of pride that only a parent knows.
When I looked back over at Alice, she was glowering. My first guess was that she was jealous and somewhat perturbed by Harry’s sudden comedown. It’s a natural reaction that every parent and grandparent knows: that moment when the baby you’ve been so lovingly trying to settle suddenly goes silent the second someone else takes him off your hands.
But it wasn’t that at all, I soon realised.
‘Who is she?’ Alice blurted out.
My heart jumped in my chest and I immediately guessed what the vague question meant. I tried my best not to let my inner reaction show.
‘What?’
‘No bullshit. I know. Please, just do the decent thing. Tell me who she is.’
I hung my head and looked at Harry. He was still staring at me, but it seemed his features had hardened and he too was now giving me a suspicious and disappointed look.
‘Her name’s Gemma.’
Silence. No-one spoke. Not even a murmur.
‘Her name’s Gemma?’ Alice said. ‘That’s it? That’s your confession?’
‘I don’t know what else you want me to say.’
I looked back up at Alice. I saw only anger and contempt in her eyes. No pain or sorrow. It was disconcerting.
‘I’m sorry, Alice. I’m so sorry.’
‘Who is she?’ Alice said.
‘She’s no-one. She works at the office.’
‘She’s no-one? Then why the hell are you sleeping with her?’
‘There’s really no good answer I can give to that,’ I said.
Alice stood up. I cowered away slightly, a direct response to the intent I saw in her eyes. I expected her to stride up and belt me in the face. Instead she held out her arms.
‘Give him to me,’ she said.
I handed Harry to her.
‘It’s his bedtime,’ she said, and then she turned and left the room and thudded up the stairs.
The altercation had been brief, but nonetheless it left me feeling wounded. If anything, I would have felt more at ease if we’d got into an all-out slanging match. All I could think was that Alice was containing herself while she put Harry to bed and that soon she would let rip on me.
For the next half hour I sat solemnly in the kitchen while Alice was upstairs reading to Harry. I tried to think of all the things I should say when she returned. The reassurances of how I still loved her and wanted to be with her. They were all true, but I couldn’t get any of the words into the right order and nothing I could think of saying sounded genuine even to me.
When Alice finally came into the kitchen her look of anger was gone, replaced with abject disappointment. We both looked at each other for a good while in absolute silence.
‘I’ll leave if you want me to,’ I said, looking away from her.
‘No, you bloody won’t,’ Alice said. ‘You’re not leaving me to look
after our baby on my own. We’re a family.’
‘I didn’t say I wanted to. I thought maybe that was what you were thinking.’
‘I’m not going to pretend that I’m not devastated by this. I mean, after everything we’ve been through. I really never thought you could do something like this.’
‘Well, I guess now you know how I felt,’ I chipped in, and immediately regretted it.
‘You arsehole,’ Alice said. ‘Is that all this is? You getting your own back on me? You thought what I did gave you free reign to sleep with whoever the hell you wanted?’
‘That’s not what I thought at all,’ I said. ‘Not even close. I didn’t want this.’
‘Of course you didn’t. That’s why you slept with another woman. Then slept with her again. And again.’
I said nothing to that. I had no idea how Alice had found out and it really didn’t matter. But she clearly knew that my affair with Gemma wasn’t a simple one-night stand like hers had been.
‘Are you still seeing her?’ she said.
‘Yes.’
‘Do you love her?’
I hesitated. ‘No. I love you.’
For the first time, Alice’s resolve seemed to break and her eyes began to well up with tears. She quickly regained her composure, though.
‘Like I said, I can leave if you want me to.’
‘That’s not what I want,’ she said, putting her hand to her head. ‘What I want is to turn back the clock. To put everything back how it was. I know I messed up, and I’ll never forgive myself for that, but I’m not going to pretend that knowing you’ve been with someone else hasn’t crushed me.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘I know I don’t deserve anything more than this,’ Alice continued. ‘I just want to move forward now. Let’s try to make things right. We’ve both messed up. But if we want it, we can make things work. I still believe that. I still love you.’
I was dumbstruck. Was this really the extent of my punishment? I was dubious as to just how much truth was in what she was saying, and yet I felt exactly the same as she did.
‘I want us to keep going,’ Alice said. ‘We’ve both made mistakes, but we have to put them behind us now. For the sake of all of us. I don’t want our family torn apart because of our own selfishness and stupidity.’