by Haley Weir
“I know what you mean,” he replies. They walk further into the woods surrounded by comfortable silence.
Jenna walks forward, sneakily catching glimpses of Xander. Despite herself, she likes being around him, shifter or not. He seems a little rough around the edges but she can already tell he’s more gentle than he’d like to let on. As she walks, she glances at his face to get another look at that perfect bone structure. Because she’s not paying attention, she misses the giant branch on the path and begins to fall forward. Before she can hit the ground, Xander catches her in one arm.
“Nice reflexes,” she breathes while he holds her. She feels safe in his arms. She wonders what it would feel like to be wrapped up in them.
“Like I said, I protect people,” reasons Xander before removing his arm to let her stand on her own.
“Okay, besides clumsy women who walk into branches, when else do you save the day?”
“Is that a challenge?” Xander asks with a smirk. Just the hint of a smile is enough to make Jenna melt a little on the inside. Is he flirting with her? She tries to make the thought disappear. She didn’t come here to get tangled up in romance. She’s here to meet others like her, and find a community where she belongs.
“No,” she laughs. “Not a challenge. Just a question.”
“You have a lot of those, don’t you?”
“Yes. And every time I get an answer, I have at least 10 more questions,” Jenna says.
“Well, I’ll try to give you at least one answer,” Xander replies.
“Please do.”
“Not everyone thinks bear shifters should exist. We….they...are seen as threats to society. There’s groups of poachers who think the world would be better off without shifters altogether. Most of society is okay with the idea of shifters, if they even believe in them in the first place. But there are plenty who take issue with the community. It’s based in fear, really. Fear of the unknown.”
“Yeah, I’ve read about those poachers before. From Chris’s blog and a few books. I was under the impression that there aren’t really poachers anymore. He explains that shifters are basically allowed to live in peace.”
“Well, that’s somewhat true. There’s definitely not as many, as say, 20 years ago. But don’t be fooled. There are poachers, and if they find out about us, we could be in serious danger. We meaning the household. The whole pack could get wiped out.”
“That’s terrifying,” Jenna whispers. A chill goes down her spine at the thought of poachers finding her or her new friends.
“Exactly. So, I’m the gatekeeper around here. I’ve got eyes and ears everywhere. If something is up, I’ll be the first to know and the first to act.”
“So you’re like, head of security?”
“In a way, yes. I have other responsibilities, too.”
Jenna wants to ask about these responsibilities. She wants to know everything, but she bites her tongue and decides not to push it. She’s surprised how different he was acting from when they first met.
“Anyway,” says Xander, “we’re here.”
Through the clearing is a huge building, somewhere between a house and an office. She’s surprised that such a huge structure could go unnoticed, but they seemed deep in the woods. Walking with Xander, she lost track of the distance from the house. There are no signs of civilization within Jenna’s line of vision.
“Wow, what is this place?” asks Jenna.
“Welcome to The Headquarters.”
Chapter 6
“What is this place?” Jenna repeats, peering through the window of the building. She spots shelves of books that she can’t wait to get her hands on.
“This is somewhat of a sanctuary, conference room, and a dining hall. Basically whatever it needs to be.”
“Including a library, apparently,” says Jenna as she enters the building. Her eyes are wide in wonder as she takes in the space. “Is there anyone staying here right now?”
“Just you,” answers Xander. Jenna frowns. As beautiful as the place is, she doesn’t want to be alone. She came here to find others like her, and now she’s so close yet still so far.
“Okay,” Jenna says, disappointed. “Well, I expect to shift around 10 p.m., the usual. I would ask you to tie me up but I’ve figured out how to do it on my own.”
“Really?” Xander says incredulously. Having to get shackled at night before shifting is a typical practice for shifters. Xander reasons that she either really will shift, or she has done a lot of reading on the shifter lifestyle. Plus, Blake, Ethan, and Douglas always needed help with the process. It seems a little unrealistic to Xander that the woman in front of him could handle it on her own.
“Well, I’ll show you to a room that has everything you could need,” says Xander.
“Great, thanks,” replies Jenna quietly, dreading having to spend the night alone here.
“Since you’re here, and all there is are trees for miles and miles , you’re free to be free. Like, not do all the ropes and such.”
“I’ve never...I’ve never just let myself be free like that,” Jenna says as wonder washes over her. Maybe staying here wouldn’t be so bad.
“Well, it’s up to you. How much control do you have?” asks Xander. He’s still not sure if he’s getting played by Jenna. He wants to trust her, especially because her eyes are soft and kind. While Jenna browses the library, Xander watches her. She moves with energy and with purpose. Her confidence radiates and it’s hard to deny. For someone in her situation, she’s very cool and collected, accepting of direction and not overstepping her boundaries. This makes Xander wonder again if she’s the real deal or just very carefully playing her cards. At least at Headquarters, there’s not too much trouble she can get into.
Jenna pulls a book down from the shelf. She flips through the pages, and stops suddenly. Xander hears her gasp quietly. She feels her heart sink and a dark cloud seems to form around her. She’s frozen.
“What is it?” asks Xander, noticing her bizarre reaction.
“I recognize these two men, Xander,” Jenna nearly whispers.
“What do you mean? What book is that?” Xander gently takes it from her hands. His heart sinks, too, when he sees what she’s holding.
“Northeast Poachers: A 20 Year Hunt,” Xander reads aloud. He looks at the men in the photograph. They must be at least 45 or 50 years old. The man on the left has a full beard and mustache, with beady eyes that make Xander feel like he’s being watched. To his right is a clean shaven man with stringy, long hair and a devious smile. They’re both holding rifles. The photo is certainly unsettling.
“Why would you recognize men from this book?” Xander asks Jenna. She’s still shaken up, like she just had a war flashback.
“I’ve seen them before. In person. I don’t know where or when...the memory is so faded. I was really little, that much I know. I swear I’ve seen these guys before,” says Jenna. Her voice is shaky. This is the first time she’s been rattled since arriving in New York.
“I mean, you’ve lived in the Northeast for the past 20 years, right? Poachers, just like shifters, pass as regular, harmless guys when they need to. Maybe you’ve walked past them in a grocery store. You know, something regular,” Xander tries to reason.
“Yeah, I guess anything is possible,” says Jenna, still fixated on the photo.
“Has Chris ever featured them on his blog?” Xander asks, noticing that it was weighing heavy on Jenna’s mind.
“No,” Jenna confidently replies. “No, I’d remember. I’ve seen them in person. I’m sure of it.”
“Well, maybe we should put this book back for now. Whatever memories you have with these monsters don’t seem to be fond,” Xander suggests as he puts the book back on the shelf.
After a brief pause, Jenna speaks up again. “Xander,” she starts, “can you help me?”
“With what exactly?”
“All of this shifting stuff. I want to be in control. I want to learn the skills I need to survive.
I want to be ready for anything,” Jenna explains, staring into Xander’s eyes. He stares back, and he feels something in his gut; a new feeling. He’s overcome with the desire to wrap her up in his arms to tell her everything will be okay, and there’s nothing to fear. He tries to shake it off. “What if poachers do attack? I can barely control when I shift and I want to be ready.”
“You know, we haven’t had a poacher problem in this area for maybe 10 or 15 years. You’re in the safest place you could be.”
“I still want to train,” urges Jenna. “You’re the guy who does everything, right? The bodyguard, the butler, the man in charge? You can help me, right?”
“It’s not that easy. It’s not like training a puppy, Jenna,” says Xander. “It’s gotta come from within. I’m sure that sounds trite, but it’s the truth. I don’t know what I can do for you.”
“You won’t even try?” asks Jenna cooly. Her big eyes look up at him and Xander knows he can’t say no. He wonders if he’ll have to learn control, too.
“I’ll do what I can to help you,” Xander relents. Jenna flashes him a huge grateful smile, and Xander allows his stern expression to soften slightly.
“Oh, he smiles?” Jenna teases him.
“Don’t get too used to it,” he says. “I’ve got too much to worry about to smile all the time,” Xander retorts.
“Someone’s a little emo,” jokes Jenna.
“Emo?”
“Like, emotional? Really, you’ve never heard that before? I’m shocked, honestly,” Jenna laughs.
“You read me as emotional?” Xander asks. He thinks of himself as quite the opposite. He’s serious for the most part, exuding an attitude that begs respect.
“I’m not sure how to read you yet,” Jenna admits. “Have you read me?”
“A few chapters, yeah,” says Xander. “I’m certain that you have a lot of energy and don’t take no for an answer.”
“You’re not wrong there. There’s more to me, though. You’ll see,” says Jenna before heading down the hallway to find a bedroom. As she walks past Xander, she brushes past his arm. The hairs on Xander’s arm stand straight up like they’ve become sentient. The feeling inside lights up again, encouraging him to follow Jenna. He’s not sure what to expect from her, but the feelings he’s developing for her were not it.
Chapter 7
“So, this is where you’ll stay,” says Xander as he leads Jenna into a room. While there’s a bed, bathroom, and some miscellaneous furniture, it doesn’t quite feel like a home. Jenna frowns at the empty white walls that makes her feel like she’s in a hospital.
“Really? The best you could do?” asks Jenna as she takes in her new quarters.
“Usually when we house someone here, they’re thankful,” answers Xander, giving her an irritated side eye.
“I’m thankful I’m here, but I feel a little...isolated. I know you don’t want to trust me fully and-” Jenna begins before Xander cuts her off.
“I actually want to trust you very much, believe it or not. I’m just cautious. For the sake of the people I care about.”
“At least you have people to care about,” says Jenna. She sits on the bed. Xander stands over, his towering height almost intimidating. He doesn’t know how to respond, so he says nothing.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad for me or anything. I’m actually doing okay on my own. I made it all the way here to you,” she says before quickly adding on, “you and everyone. All of you. You all.” Xander laughs. “Oh, so my awkward word vomit makes you laugh? Good to remember. I’ll add it to the list.”
“You’re just funny without even trying,” he answers.
“I feel like this is one of those situations where I’m being laughed at, not laughed with,” pouts Jenna, but she’s fighting the urge to smile.
“Sorry, sorry. I’m just trying to be friendly,” says Xander. Now, Jenna laughs.
“What?”
“See, that’s funny. You trying to be friendly. I really don’t think it’s that hard. And, for the record, you’re doing a great job. So, thanks,” Jenna explains. She motions for him to sit on the bed next to her. Xander hesitates.
“Oh, come on,” she says. “I don’t bite. I mean, when I’m like this. I can’t speak for my bear.”
Xander takes the seat, sitting just close enough for their legs to brush each other.
“So, what were you doing before you got here?” Xander asks. Maybe if he can get her to talk about herself, he’ll be able to judge if she really is what she says she is.
Jenna glances at her phone, checking the time. She likes that Xander is still sitting next to her, but she has to be cautious. It’s 7 P.M. Still three hours until she transforms. She’s relieved that she can spend time getting to know at least one person from her new group of acquaintances, even if she’s isolated from the rest for the time being.
“Before I got here I was living in Pennsylvania, almost in Ohio. I lived with my grandma, but then she got sick. She fought, but the cancer was fast and powerful. She couldn’t shift anymore, and that was one of the most painful parts for her. Not being able to be in her true form that she worked so hard to control...it tore her up. I wouldn’t say the cancer won, though. She fought until her last breath,” Jenna explains. A tear rolls down her cheek, which surprised her as much as it surprised Xander.
“Here,” Xander hands her a tissue.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to get into it like that. Sometimes it just happens. She was really important to me,” Jenna says wiping away a tear. She attempts to compose herself, embarrassed at her burst of personal information to a man who is essentially a stranger to her.
“I understand,” Xander says. “I’ve lost people I love, too.”
“Like who?” asks Jenna. She’s surprised by his vulnerability.
“I had a family once. Almost,” Xander says.
The room is silent. Jenna never imagined she would find others like her. Others without a family to call their own. Others who have lost as much as she had.
“I had someone special. We were married, and it was the happiest I had ever been. This was during a time in my life when so much was uncertain. But she wasn’t,” Xander says. He seems distant. It's like he’s no longer in the room with Jenna. “We had a place to live that my parents left me. A huge place. A castle, if I’m being honest,” Xander says.
“A castle?” Jenna repeats in disbelief.
“Yes, a castle,” Xander blushes.
“Why do you live here if you have a castle?”
“Because I can’t go back there,” Xander admits. All of the color drains from his face. A memory haunts him. Jenna knows the feeling. “We lived there with others. Other shifters congregated there. It was a haven, much like where we are now,” Xander explains. “My parents instilled a set of values in me and encouraged me to help others where I could. Luckily, I grew up with money and resources. I was always able to take care of myself.”
Jenna gives Xander time to collect his thoughts as he tells his story. His openness with her is attractive. She notices her leg is still against his, and she makes sure not to move. She likes how it feels. She wonders if he notices too.
“The poachers found us. They stormed the castle. They took out so many of us...them. And some non-shifters as well,” Xander explains. “They got my wife, and she wasn’t a shifter. She didn’t hurt anyone. But she was carrying our child. I lost everything that day,” says Xander. Things begin to make sense for Jenna. It's no wonder why Xander has his guard up and is so weary of others.
“Wow,” Jenna responds. “I don’t even know what to say. That’s...awful.”
“The worst part of it all. I didn’t help. I couldn’t. I tried so desperately but I was useless,” Xander says, shame and malice filling him.
“You can’t blame yourself for a tragedy like that,” says Jenna.
“It was an attack, and I couldn’t protect the people I loved,” says Xander. “How can I forgive myself?”
/> “What are you supposed to do? You can’t change the past.”
“Sorry,” Xander apologizes and moves his leg away from Jenna as if he is embarrassed that let it happen it all. “You don’t need to give me advice. You don’t owe me anything.”
“I owe you something,” Jenna disagrees, “for letting me stay here. I know you’re cautious and I understand why. You’ve been through something tragic. I know what it’s like.”
“I just can’t wrap my mind around why they are all gone and not me. Why couldn’t it have been me?”
“I know,” says Jenna. “Survivor’s guilt.”
“Exactly,” says Xander. Silence fills the room, and Jenna finally feels confident to fully open up to Xander.
“My parents died in a car accident. It’s such a weird memory. Even though I’ve mulled over it again and again, I can’t be sure of the details. Some of it is still so blurry,” Jenna explains.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I was in the car. I survived, and they didn’t. How does that happen? Just because I was in the backseat? It doesn’t make sense. It’s not fair,” Jenna says. “Why was I okay?”
“I don’t know why these things happen,” Xander says honestly.
“y All I know is that my shifting saved me.”
Xander believes her in this moment. Maybe it’s the mood as the sun settles in the sky, or the fact that they are opening up to each other in a way that Xander hasn’t in so long. He feels like she would never lie to him. Guilt overcomes him when thinks about how he hasn’t been completely honest with her.
“I must have sensed the danger before them. I had time to shift. It all happened so fast. Before I knew it, I was waking up as me, in my bed. Grandma Jean was waiting for me to wake up. I’ll never forget the look on her face. She was about to give me the worst news imaginable.”
“You escaped the crash?”
“I must have been strong enough to shatter glass or knock the door open. I was physically moving faster than my thoughts. I didn’t even think to go back for my parents, and then boom. Fire,” describes Jenna. “I knew I’d never see them again. I get what it’s like to lose everyone you love. I’ve been there.”