She hadn’t noticed him in the doorway. “Erin?” he said.
She glanced up and smiled. “Ah, life arises from the laboratory. What did you discover today, Dr. Frankenstein?”
He crossed the floor in three long strides. “That I’m a jerk,” he said and bent over.
She raised her face and accepted his kiss. Her soft, yielding mouth relieved some of the tension in his chest. When her mouth parted, he swept inside and teased them both into a state of mild arousal.
At last he pulled away and dropped a kiss on the top of her head. “Thanks for not being angry.”
“Why would I be? You went to work and got involved with your program. I guessed you had some kind of breakthrough. I think that’s great.”
He settled on the ottoman in front of her chair and studied her face. Her eyes were clear of any dark emotions, her mouth curved up at the corners.
“Really?”
She put her bookmark in place and set the book on the small table to her right. “Cross my heart.” She made an X over her left breast.
“I owe it all to you,” he said, placing his hands on her knees. “You inspired me.”
“I’ll take credit for distracting you, but I think inspiration is a little much.” Her hair brushed against her bare shoulders. “Quit looking so guilty. I’m not mad. I know your work is important to you. We made love last night. It was terrific for both of us. This morning you found the solution to a problem that’s been bugging you for weeks. If anything, I’m flattered. Why can’t you accept that?”
“Because I should have brought you breakfast in bed, or maybe a dozen roses.”
She raised her eyebrows. “Oh, that would have been subtle. Then no one would have known what happened.”
“Yeah, okay, maybe not breakfast in bed. I didn’t mean to ignore you today. I don’t want you to think I don’t care about what happened last night. It was great.” He met her gaze. “You were great.”
His hands moved up her legs to her thighs. It was late, but they were still awake. Maybe they could-
She wrapped her fingers around his wrists and held him in place.
“Parker, we have to talk.”
That particular phrase always meant bad news. He placed his elbows on his knees. “About?”
“Us.” Erin shifted in the chair. “The next step. I wondered what you had in mind. Christie and I will be here another five weeks. What happens now?”
“You mean sexually?”
“Was it a one-night thing?”
“I hadn’t thought that far ahead,” he admitted. “I enjoyed being with you. I’d like us to be lovers.” He never thought he would say that again. He never thought he would want anyone. But it was more than just the sex. He liked her and respected her. She made him laugh and forget.
She leaned forward and placed her hands on top of his. Their faces were inches apart. He could see the individual colors in her irises. The blues, greens and golds. He could study the perfect shape of her mouth, the cupid’s bow upper lip and the full lower one.
He wanted her. His blood heated and his arousal was instant. He wanted to do everything they had done last night, and a few things they hadn’t.
“I know this complicates the situation,” he said, “but I think we can work it out.”
She laced her fingers with his, then stared at their joined hands. “I’m not that sophisticated, Parker. I wasn’t a virgin last night, but I haven’t been with a lot of men. I enjoyed what we did.” She gave him a half smile. “‘Enjoy’ isn’t quite powerful enough, is it? You were amazing.”
“But? Not that I don’t appreciate the compliment, but I hear a but.”
She nodded. “But I don’t think I can be your lover. Not that I don’t want to be. It’s very tempting. I’m just afraid that in the end, I’ll disappoint you.”
“That’s not possible.”
“I can’t keep giving my body without my heart coming along for the ride.” She met his gaze. “If we continue to be lovers I’ll-” She swallowed, but didn’t look away. “I’ll fall in love with you and I know you don’t want that.”
He’d known it was too good to last, but the sharpness of his regret startled him. Until she’d actually refused, he hadn’t known how much he’d wanted her in his life. It wasn’t fair, he acknowledged. A temporary situation gave him everything he wanted, but offered little to her. He knew he was safe, emotionally. He was never going to care about anyone again. He’d learned his lesson a long time ago and he wasn’t going to repeat it.
“I understand,” he said, and was surprised when regret boiled into anger. He did understand, but he didn’t like it. He wanted to be with her. He wanted her in his bed and in his life. For the summer, of course. He wasn’t looking for an emotional connection.
“I’m also concerned about Christie,” she went on. She gave his fingers a quick squeeze, then released him. “If she sees us acting like a couple, she’ll start to think that we’re going to be a normal family. I think just staying friends is better for everyone.”
“Safer, you mean,” he said, fighting the irritation of not getting his way. “Settling for what’s offered instead of taking what you want.”
She flinched and turned her gaze away. “An interesting comment coming from you. Playing it safe is what you do best, Parker. Isn’t that what this entire household is about? Providing you with a place to escape.”
Now it was his turn to feel uncomfortable. “This is my home,” he said. “Nothing more.”
“Isn’t it? You don’t hide out here so you can keep the world at a distance? I’m surprised you’ve let Christie in as much as you have. I suppose she’s accepted because she’s just a child and because her visit is temporary. But an adult woman is more of a risk.” She stared at him, her hazel eyes seeing far more than they should. “I believe that you got a brilliant idea this morning and I’m pleased to have had a small part in that inspiration. But I find it interesting that you felt it necessary to seal yourself away from me for an entire day.”
“I have a responsibility to my work.”
“And maybe it was a little easier not to have to face me and what had happened between us.”
“I don’t regret what happened.”
She gave him a sad smile. “That’s not what I’m saying. You-” She hesitated.
“I what?” he asked, then wondered if he really wanted to know.
“You hold a part of yourself back. You do it with Kiki, with me, even with Christie. I’m sure you held back with Stacey. Did you do the same thing with your wife, Parker? Did you keep parts of your heart from her?”
He rose to his feet. “You have no right to ask me about her.”
“I have every right,” she said quietly. “This isn’t about me. I’ll survive whatever happens between us. Our relationship isn’t important. What matters is Christie. She’s your daughter. I won’t let you do to her what you’ve done to the other people in your life. You’d better think long and hard about this. You’d better search your heart and know for sure. If you hold back from your daughter, she’ll know. She won’t understand that it’s about you and not about her. She’ll blame herself. I won’t let you hurt her that way.”
“I wouldn’t do that,” he said, pacing across the room.
“Not on purpose, maybe, but it’s a habit.” She laced her fingers together and studied them. “You still mourn Robin. While I can appreciate that you really loved her, I can’t help but wonder why you won’t let go. Is it guilt, Parker? Is it because she died knowing you held a part of yourself in reserve? Christie is only four years old. You can’t let her dream of flying, then let her crash to the ground. She trusts you. Are you going to let her down?”
He stood in front of the fireplace and stared at her. “Never.”
She went on as if she hadn’t heard him. “The hardest part about being a parent is that you have to give everything and pray that it’s enough. Sometimes it’s not, but you have to try anyway. You have to be willing
to make sacrifices. When we first came here I was a little jealous of your relationship with Christie. She wanted a father and you did everything right. I handled it because being with you was the best thing for her. Now it’s easier. I’m glad you two get along. My point is I had to be willing to make a sacrifice and you’re going to have to do the same.”
Erin jealous of him? But he was just fumbling in the dark with this while she did everything right. God, he was so confused.
“I love her,” he said.
“That’s a start.”
A thousand thoughts swirled through his mind. Erin’s accusations about holding back a part of himself. Could he be a good parent? Was he capable of giving as much as Christie needed? What would happen to her if he failed?
He turned and left the room. The inky blackness of night called him. He opened the French doors and stepped onto the terrace.
A soft sea breeze caressed him as he stood looking at the ocean. He couldn’t see anything beyond the occasional whitecap. He could hear the pounding of the surf. It matched the thundering of his heartbeat. It had been so long since he’d fought them that he’d thought he’d conquered the demons. He’d been wrong.
They returned silently, swooping out of the night, attacking him with swords sharpened by regret. They pierced his protective layer of logic, zeroing in on his exposed uncertainties. Robin. Always Robin.
Without closing his eyes he could see her lying in the hospital bed. He’d clutched her hand and begged her not to leave him. It was just pneumonia; she wasn’t supposed to die.
He drew in a deep breath and instead of salt air, he smelled the antiseptic scent of hospital disinfectant. He could feel her fragile fingers resting in his, and see the shadows under her eyes.
“Don’t go,” he’d whispered. “I’ll never make it without you.”
She’d looked at him then, turning her head until she could see him. “It’s better this way,” she’d said, every word a labor of breath and energy. “You’ll remember me alive. You won’t hate me.”
“I could never hate you, Robin. You’re my whole life. I love you.”
A single tear slipped out of the corner of her eye. “Today,” she murmured. “You love me today. What about tomorrow? What happens when the disease steals my body? You’re so alive, Parker. You would hate the illness and eventually you’d hate me.” She paused to catch her breath. A sharp cough racked her thin frame.
“Never,” he told her. “I’d be right here. Always.”
Then she’d smiled at him. A sad knowing smile that had made him feel like an unruly child. They hadn’t talked again. He’d stayed with her, holding on to her until she slipped into a coma, then silently died.
Now, with the night air surrounding him, Parker questioned his commitment to his wife. Had Robin believed he held something back? Obviously she hadn’t trusted him to be there for her during her illness. He’d been so angry with her for leaving him. Had he ever forgiven her?
Had she ever forgiven him?
The unexpected question brought a rush of shame. He hung his head and breathed a prayer of apology. To her and to Stacey. Erin was right. His wife had been right. They both sensed a weakness in him.
“I would have stayed with you,” he said aloud, speaking to the night. “Always, Robin. I loved you.”
As the words caught flight and were carried aloft, even he heard the answering echo of falseness. He loved her, but not with all his heart. He’d held something back. In the end, she’d known the truth. He wasn’t enough. He would never have been enough.
He returned to the study. Erin was still in the chair although she hadn’t picked up her book. He stood in the doorway. “You’re right,” he said. “About everything. I understand why you don’t want a relationship with me. I don’t blame you.”
“Parker, that’s not what I said. You’re twisting my words.”
He shrugged. “It’s what you meant and that’s what’s important. I’ll do my best with Christie. I can’t promise to be perfect, but I want to be a good father to her. I do care about her.”
“I know.” Sadness settled in her eyes. “That’s all anyone can ask for. If you’re aware of the problem, I’m sure you can prevent it from happening. Just remember she needs you to love her unconditionally.”
“That shouldn’t be too hard. Christie is easy to love.” He turned to leave, then paused. “I-” Hell, what was he supposed to say to her? “Good night, Erin.”
He climbed the stairs and prepared for a long night battling the demons. Maybe this time they wouldn’t win.
When Parker walked into the kitchen the next morning, Kiki was already rolling out cinnamon rolls. Christie sat beside her on the counter. She had a small bowl filled with raisins in one hand.
“Daddy!” she squealed when she saw him. She held out her arms.
As Kiki took the bowl from her, he crossed the room and grabbed Christie close.
“Morning, angel. What are you doing?”
“I’m helpin’ with breakfast. We’re making cinnamon rolls.”
“So I see.” He swung her around once and set her back on the counter. Her pink shirt matched the glow in her cheeks. Her hair was in its usual pigtails. She was bright and pretty, and he was proud that she was his child, even though he couldn’t claim any of the credit.
“How are you, Kiki?” he asked as he got a cup out of the cupboard and poured some coffee.
“Never better,” the housekeeper said. This morning her jogging suit was white with red dots. Her athletic shoes were plain white, but the laces had tiny dots on them. “Breakfast will be ready in about twenty minutes.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“You hardly ate anything yesterday,” she reminded him.
“I know.” It didn’t matter. He’s spent most of last night wrestling with all Erin had said and remembering his time with Robin. He hadn’t liked some of his conclusions.
“Mommy’s not hungry, either,” Christie said.
Kiki glanced at him. He read the questions in her eyes. Was Erin’s lack of appetite his fault? He knew it was. Their talk had affected her as well.
She’d hinted at a relationship and he’d been interested in an affair.
Hamilton, you’re a real bastard, he told himself.
He dropped a kiss on the top of Christie’s head. “You’re my best girl,” he told her.
She grinned. “You’re my best daddy.”
He wasn’t…yet. But he was going to do his damnedest to make sure he turned out that way. He owed it to Christie. Maybe he even owed it to himself.
Chapter Thirteen
Erin was curled up on a chair by her bedroom window when someone knocked on her door. For a half second, she hoped it was Parker, that he’d come to sweep her off her feet, tell her that he was a fool and of course he was madly in love with her.
“Yeah, right,” she murmured.
The person at the door knocked again. “It’s Kiki, Erin. May I come in?”
So much for daydreams. “Sure, Kiki. It’s not locked.”
The housekeeper stepped inside. “At least you’re up and dressed. I was afraid you’d still be in bed.”
“I’m not that far gone. I just needed a little time to myself.”
Kiki put her hands on her hips. This morning she wore a white jogging suit with red polka dots. The cheerful print matched the older woman’s personality.
“You can’t hide in here forever.”
“I’m not hiding. I’m-” She thought for a moment, searching for the perfect word. “I’m regrouping.”
Kiki crossed to the foot of the bed and sat on the cedar hope chest there. “Sounds like hiding to me.”
That’s because it was. Erin shifted on her chair. She was so confused by everything. Too much had happened too fast. She hadn’t slept much. She’d been thinking about everything she had said to Parker and what he’d said back. In truth she was pleased that he’d found the solution to his programming problem. But she was also hurt th
at he’d ignored her for the whole day. She’d expected some kind of acknowledgment from him.
“Do you want to talk about it?” the housekeeper asked. Her blue eyes were kind, her expression understanding.
“I wouldn’t know where to begin.”
“Would it help if I told you I knew what happened a couple of nights ago?”
Erin felt a flush heat her cheeks. She stared at Kiki. “How?”
“The two of you spilled the box of condoms and didn’t pick them all up. I found several when I vacuumed yesterday.” She leaned forward. “Don’t feel guilty, Erin. You and Parker are consenting adults. What you do behind closed doors is no one’s business but your own.”
Then why are we talking about it, Erin wondered, still chagrined that the secret was already out. “It’s not as simple as that. The whole man-woman relationship is very complicated. I’ve been out of the game for so long, I don’t know how to play anymore. Not that I ever did.”
“It’s like riding a bicycle.”
“I’m not sure I ever believed that old saying. I rode a bike when I was kid and when I tried one as an adult, I nearly got myself killed.” Erin folded her hands on her lap and drew in a deep breath. “Everything is different from what I thought it would be.”
“Maybe that’s because you’ve changed. The last time you were involved with a man you were in college. Just a young woman. Now you’re a mature adult, a single mother with a child to worry about. That would change anyone’s perspective.”
Erin stared at her. “You’re right. Why didn’t I think of it that way?”
The words made perfect sense. Everything had changed since she was last in the dating world. She’d grown up, started raising Christie. Her wants and needs were different, but her heart still held on to its adolescent dreams. She was mature, but inexperienced. Most likely, she was doing everything all wrong.
“I can see the truth more clearly,” Kiki said, “because I’m not personally involved. I know this is unfamiliar and feels a little awkward, but it will be worth it in the end.”
Erin smiled. “You can’t expect me to believe that.”
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