by Alex Barclay
FUCK, my head is spinning.
Five hours later, Ren woke up on her back, her jaw tight, her fists clenched. The room was in darkness. A crack of sunlight shone through the curtains, slicing down across the floor.
Where the effin’ crap …
She raised her head. Oh dear God, never do that again. Never be part of such a miserable cliché.
I am topless.
Who the fuck is beside me now?
It was Ben the last time. Let it be Ben.
I am only naked on top. Which tells me nothing. What did I do?
Topless equals already a cheater.
It’s surfacing. The night is surfacing. Noooooo! You loser. HOW can you do this? AGAIN! Jesus Christ. You need help.
Beside her, Joe Lucchesi slept soundly.
What the fuck happened to his mouth?
His hands on my … his mouth. Did I bite him? Jesus.
Oh, oh. No. She reached her fingers to her head. Ouch. Shit.
I need water. I need to check my wound. How come I have a wound? Run. Run for the bathroom. Warning: you will meet your own shabby face. And blood.
She checked her face in the mirror. You are frightening.
The cut was small, but quite deep, crescent-shaped, above her right eyebrow.
Errant tweezers it is …
She went to the toilet like she was playing the silence game. She washed her hands, dipped a facecloth in water and dabbed at the mascara under her eyes, then rubbed, then just abandoned the whole ridiculous enterprise.
She was about to walk out of the bathroom, when she heard the buzz of Joe’s phone on the nightstand.
He’s awake. Great. Go out, have a conversation: you, him, nothing to stand between you but your tits.
She walked out. ‘Hey.’
‘Morning,’ said Joe. He smiled wide. ‘Ow.’ He touched his fingers to his mouth.
Ren smiled back. Does any man give a shit if a woman has a boyfriend? Do they all just go for it at all times?
I remember! We didn’t have sex! We didn’t even kiss! I am not a cheater! Woo-hoo!
‘Can I ask,’ said Ren, ‘what the fuck happened to your lip and my head?’
Joe laughed, then held his mouth again. ‘Ow. It was my fault. We were fooling about, I threw you down on the bed, I was getting down there beside you, but you’re so light, you bounced back up and your forehead caught me in the mouth.’
They both burst out laughing. ‘How old are we exactly?’ said Ren.
Oh, God. More is coming back. I told him I loved my boyfriend. To be filed under: Things You Say To Widowed Colleagues While You Are Near-Naked. Widowered?
‘Sorry about last night,’ said Ren, bending down to pick her bra up off the floor, putting it on as Joe kindly looked the other way. ‘Staying in your room and everything. I should have gone home.’
‘I’m the one who should apologize,’ he said.
‘No reason to.’ Let’s end this conversation. Ren went around the room, picking up her clothes, getting dressed.
For ONCE can I just discard my clothing in one tidy, less demeaning pile? Or maybe I could stay CLOTHED.
57
Ren got a text from Ben as she sat down at her desk: Morning, baby. Miss that hot body. XX
Hot: no. Ice-cold. And in another man’s bed. Jesus. Christ. If the tables were turned.
‘Get in a fight last night?’ said Everett.
‘No,’ said Ren, looking up. Alarmed.
Everett laughed. ‘Not you – you,’ he said, gesturing to Joe.
‘No,’ said Joe.
End of snapped explanation.
‘Ren, you must have stayed out late,’ said Everett. ‘I see pineapple juice.’
‘Aren’t you the observant one?’ said Joe.
Leave my Everett alone. Are you in a bad humor because of me, Joe Lucchesi?
Ren’s phone rang.
‘It’s Gary – come into my office.’
This has to be some kind of joke. ‘Now?’ said Ren.
Gary put the phone down.
She went into his office and sat down.
‘Ren, I don’t believe you are taking your meds.’
Oh. Shit. But why do you think that?
‘Well, I am.’
He stared her down. ‘You’re showing signs of—’
‘With the greatest respect, you have had a lot going on,’ said Ren at the same time.
That did not go down well.
‘All I can say to that is remember what I take are mood stabilizers,’ said Ren. ‘They stabilize my mood, they don’t strip me of all vitality.’
‘I’m not saying you’re showing signs of vitality,’ said Gary. ‘I’m saying you’re showing signs of mania.’
‘I am not manic.’
He studied her face. ‘I’m sorry, Ren. I don’t believe you.’
I want to hurt you. It’s an extreme and terrifying urge. But I mean it. If you want to strap me down and medicate me, you go ahead. But you’ll be saying goodbye to a serial killer if you do. You need me like this. You need me focused.
‘I need you focused,’ said Gary. ‘And I don’t think you are. You are case agent on a huge case – a position of trust that I put you in when …’
‘When what?’
‘Don’t fuck up.’
‘I won’t. Please, Gary, stop asking me about meds. Let me do my job. Have I fucked up on this yet? No. And I promise, if I come riding through the office naked on a white horse, waving a bottle of vodka in the air, feel free to shoot me with a tranq gun. Just mind the horse.’
Gary stared at her.
Unreadable.
By one o’clock, Ren was sitting in Dr Lone’s office.
‘I’m sorry for being sprung on you like this,’ she said. ‘I … Gary just called me in again, told me “Boom, you’re going to see Dr Lone at one p.m.” Just like that – no warning.’
‘He must be concerned for you,’ said Lone. ‘Do you have any idea why?’
No meds talk. You don’t have the energy to lie convincingly.
‘No,’ said Ren, ‘in that there is no problem, but Gary, I would venture, thinks I’m a little paranoid.’
Lone nodded. ‘Why do you think that?’
EVERYONE IS ASKING ME WHY EVERYTHING. ‘Because I guess I’ve jumped … come to a conclusion or two that was … incorrect and, I guess … worst-case-scenario.’
‘That can happen,’ said Lone.
‘I know!’ said Ren. ‘That’s what I think!’
‘Can you go through the incidents he’s talking about it?’
Ren talked him through Devin and Janine. Does Grace Lucchesi count?
‘So,’ said Lone, ‘there were several times when you thought you were being targeted, and those closest to you, personally or professionally or both, were being targeted too.’
‘Yes,’ said Ren. ‘The evidence pointed to that.’
‘Sometimes, things can come together to create a picture that, combined with our personal perspective, our filter—’
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. ‘But there was compelling evidence …’ Wasn’t there?
‘I understand,’ said Dr Lone. ‘But we should also look at the possibility that your angle on that evidence created an extra dimension.’
Grrr. ‘What am I meant to do? My job is to protect people who are in danger. Do I have to run everything by people before I act on anything? That’s not practical in life-or-death situations.’
‘But some of these situations were not life-or-death,’ said Lone. ‘And, yes, it would be wise to run these things by at least one other colleague. You have to operate as a team. You are part of a team.’
Teamwork …
Lone smiled. ‘That may not appeal to you at times, but there’s a reason why that infrastructure is there.’
‘I like to be able to make quick decisions,’ said Ren. ‘I mean, what if someone was trying to kill Janine? And I hung around waiting to run my theories by someone? She could be dead.’
Loss? What?
‘Would I be right in saying that you care very much for Janine?’
‘Yes, of course.’
‘And Ben?’
‘Yes.’
‘And Gary?’
‘Yes.’
‘Perhaps you are worried about losing all three of them,’ said Lone.
What? No, I’m not. Not at all. I’m never going to lose them.
‘It might not be at the forefront of your mind,’ said Dr Lone, ‘but you might want to consider it.’
No, thanks. Why would I want to sit around considering my worst possible nightmare?
‘There’s something else too,’ said Ren. She told him about the previous night.
‘So, what I was wondering was, do you think I should tell Ben?’ she said.
‘Only you can decide that,’ said Lone.
Really? ‘Really? Aren’t you going to tell me that the truth is the only way forward?’
‘No,’ said Lone.
‘But I need you to tell me!’ said Ren. I am a child.
Lone smiled kindly. ‘I know,’ he said. ‘But you also know that the decision has to come from your heart.’
‘I can’t tell him,’ said Ren. ‘My heart won’t allow me to.’ She paused. ‘I don’t even know if that’s selfish. I don’t know what the right thing to do is. He loves me, and I don’t deserve him, and—’
‘You have to stop thinking that way,’ said Lone. ‘You didn’t take it any further last night, which you’ve told me is the first time that’s ever happened under those circumstances.’
‘Yes!’ said Ren. ‘It’s a miracle!’
‘As for telling Ben, you don’t need to make a decision on that right now. If it’s causing you distress, don’t do something just as a quick fix to alleviate that.’
Ren nodded. ‘OK.’
‘Call me if you need me,’ said Lone. He handed her a card. ‘This has my cell phone number.’
‘Don’t tell me: is it fifty-one fifty?’
Lone laughed. Fifty-one fifty was the code in California for an involuntary psychiatric hold; urban slang for completely nuts.
‘Do I seem that bad?’ said Ren.
Dr Lone smiled. ‘It’s a cell phone number, not a straitjacket.’
Ren looked at him. ‘If you know that even good people can hurt people, then how can you ever trust?’
Lone opened his palms, did an illustrative flourish with his elegant fingers. ‘All you can do is accept that hurt is part of life.’
Ren took a deep breath. ‘I don’t want to hurt anyone. And I don’t want to be hurt. I don’t think I can ever accept hurt as a part of life …’
‘Hurt is a part of life,’ said Lone. ‘It is not, however, the whole of life or the end of life.’
‘I like that.’
Still terrified.
58
Ren sat in the Jeep outside Dr Lone’s office. Her hands were gripping the steering wheel, her forehead leaning against them.
I can’t go back to work.
I feel weird.
I have to go back to work.
She sucked in a huge breath that felt like it wasn’t enough, that she needed more.
I have to go to work.
I might have a meltdown. No I won’t. I will.
She started the engine and, instead of taking the turn that would take her to Safe Streets, she took the turn to take her home.
She sat at the edge of the stiff sofa in the cramped apartment.
I hate this place.
I need to be at work.
I feel weird. I’m jumping out of my skin. I’m always jumping out of my skin.
She studied the wall for two hours, getting up and down every fifteen minutes.
This is aggravating. Too many pictures. Too many documents and words and faces.
She went into the kitchen and got a cardboard box. She came back into the living room and started to take everything down. She organized them into neat piles on the coffee table, on the sofa, on the floor. The top page on one of the piles had two words: Grace Lucchesi.
You are a beautiful little girl, and, I hope, a one hundred per cent healthy girl. And you’re a heroine to have rescued your damaged father. He’s a good man.
And, hey, aren’t we all damaged?
The doorbell rang, several times. Ren went over to the intercom. She saw Janine’s worried face on the screen.
She picked up. ‘Janine!’
‘Are you OK?’ said Janine. ‘I tried your phone a hundred times.’
Role reversal.
‘Come up,’ said Ren.
Ren stood, almost suspended in the apartment doorway. Janine pushed gently past. ‘Where did you go this afternoon? I covered for you with Gary, but he was not happy.’
She hovered in front of Ren.
‘Are you OK?’ said Janine.
No. I feel a little insane.
Ren shook her head. She started to cry.
Janine moved to her, hugging her, guiding her into the living room. She took the stacks of paper and put them down carefully on the floor. They didn’t speak, Janine just let her cry.
‘What time is it?’ said Ren.
‘Five thirty.’
‘Shit.’
‘Can I get you anything? Tea, coffee, beer, wine?’
Ren laughed. ‘Wine, wine, wine.’ She let out a breath. ‘Thank you for coming over.’
‘Of course I was going to come over,’ said Janine. ‘What’s up?’
‘Ugh … I … spent the night with Joe Lucchesi.’
‘What?’
Ren nodded. ‘I know. We went out, we got hammered, I went back to his room. We … didn’t have sex. But … you know, I woke up in his bed.’
‘Oh …’ She paused. ‘Are you sure nothing happened?’
‘Oh my God – totally. He told me. And I remembered … eventually. He was really nice. He’s a really nice guy.’
Janine’s eyes widened.
‘He’s screwed-up, though,’ said Ren. ‘Duke Rawlins screwed him up bad.’
‘I’m not surprised …’
‘At either,’ said Ren.
‘Well …’
‘I know you’ve tried to save me from this kind of shit before,’ said Ren.
‘That’s not the point, though. I just don’t want you to end up like this.’
Tears welled in Ren’s eyes. ‘I know. I love you for that.’
‘Are you going to tell Ben?’
Ren shook her head. ‘I don’t think so. Should I? It was a mistake. I don’t want to throw away everything we have because of drunken bullshit.’
The tears started to fall.
‘We need tea immediately.’ Janine stood up.
I want to be like you, Janine Hooks. You’re sane. You’re reliable. You’re wonderful. You do not screw up. I am a perpetual disappointment.
Janine paused. ‘You took down your Wall of Horrors, I now realize.’
It was freaking me out.
Ren curled into the sofa, watching the peaceful wall.
This has helped.
Janine came back in with a tray of tea and biscuits.
‘And the whole world was set to rights,’ said Janine.
I just love you.
I feel so guilty. I can’t even tell you the crazy thoughts I had about your poor friend, Terri. And what Duke Rawlins might have done to you. There’s crazy and there’s crazy: the scary, genuine, can’t-even-make-a-joke-about-it kind.
‘Oh, Jesus,’ said Ren. ‘I just remembered what I did last night. When Joe went to the bathroom … I got Camille’s number from his phone – the nanny.’ Ren checked her Contacts. ‘Look!’
‘Why?’ said Janine.
‘I was so worried,’ said Ren. ‘Worried that his family’s not safe. It was for reassurance. I have it, in case I need it. But I couldn’t ask Joe for it because he’d think I was nuts.’
Janine’s look told her
she agreed. ‘Now,’ said Janine, ‘To take us away from all things drunken and personal, why don’t we talk about the case?’
‘That,’ said Ren, ‘would be perfect.’
Her phone rang. Joe Lucchesi.
‘It’s him!’ said Ren.
‘Answer it!’ said Janine.
‘I feel about fourteen!’ Ren picked up.
‘Hey,’ said Joe.
‘Hello, there.’
‘I’m calling with some very good news,’ said Joe. ‘Grace and I were at the doctor this afternoon, and she’s all good. Test results were clear. She is fighting fit.’
‘Oh, thank God,’ said Ren. ‘Thank God. That’s wonderful to hear.’
‘It is, it is,’ said Joe. ‘And I wanted to say thank you for last night, I had fun, it was what I needed. The hangover this morning – not so much.’
‘Oh, I know that feeling,’ said Ren. ‘And thank you too. It was hilarious.’
‘I won’t see you tomorrow at the office – it’s Shaun’s graduation.’
‘What are you doing after?’ Which sounds like a come-on.
Janine was rolling her eyes in agreement.
‘Shaun’s got a wild night planned,’ said Joe. ‘I’m going to go ahead up to Breck – we’ve got two nights there – he’ll follow me up the next day if his head is still working.’
‘Be careful out there,’ said Ren.
‘I’m always careful.’
You’re so serious.
Bomb explodes in auditorium. Jesus, Worst-Case Scenario again.
‘I think we’re all safe at a graduation,’ said Joe. ‘We’re lucky Duke Rawlins doesn’t like the grand public gestures.’
Yet.
Monster … mutating.
Stop.
‘Have fun,’ said Ren. ‘Tell Shaun I said congratulations.’
‘I will. See you in a couple of days.’
‘Looking forward to it,’ said Ren.
Janine looked at her when she hung up. ‘Looking forward to what?’
‘Nothing,’ said Ren, ‘it’s just an expression. Seeing him in work – that’s all.’
‘Back to the case,’ said Janine.
‘I can’t get the Kurt Vine thing out of my head,’ said Ren. ‘The real connection. And it’s still freaking me out that Joe hasn’t made Grace safe.’
‘How do you know that?’ said Janine.
‘Well, he didn’t say he was going to Breck alone …’