by E. L. Todd
“I think it’s best if I don’t tell you…to make your performance more authentic.”
I felt chills.
“But I want your permission first. You’re going to have to trust me.”
“That’s not ominous.”
He kept his dark stare on me as he waited for his answer.
“You’re gonna hurt me, huh?”
He nodded.
If we had to do it to get my father to cooperate, it was a means to an end. We would save lives and increase our chances of extracting the pulse and saving Daniel’s father. If I had to take some pain, I would do it. “Okay.”
“I’ll never put your life in danger. But you’re gonna be in a lot of pain. Are you sure that’s okay?”
I nodded. “Yes.”
“This is your last chance to tell me otherwise. I’m not gonna think less of you if you say no.”
I would think less of myself. “I’m sure.”
“Okay.” He sat back in the chair then moved on to other aspects of the mission.
I listened and absorbed everything he said, but part of my mind was thinking about the operation. After we were finished, I would be left with scars. But this was exactly what I signed up for, and I wasn’t going to back down.
When Wilder was finished, he tossed the folder of paperwork on the table sitting between us. “I’ve been doing some thinking.”
I immediately knew what this was about. The change in his tone and body position told me everything.
“What I said last time we were together…was cheap.” He leaned forward with his elbows resting on his knees. He rubbed his palms together as he watched his hands glide back and forth. “It was offensive, and I don’t blame you for being upset.”
This conversation was much different than the last one we had, and I hung on to every word.
“I’ve never really given you an explanation of why I am the way I am. After spending so much time together, you’ve earned it. We’ve been close since the beginning. Honestly, I consider you to be one of my closest friends.”
I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to ruin his momentum. This was the most honest he’d ever been with me. Maybe I would get the chance to see the real Wilder, the man underneath that cold exterior.
“My mother and my sister were kidnapped after a terrorist attack in New York City. Through the chaos and the bombings, the terrorists pretended to be police officers and guided frightened women into vans and trucks to take them to safety. Instead of taking them away from the incident, they drove to the harbor and hauled all the women onto a ship like cattle. They were sold into sex trafficking.”
My body was completely still as it absorbed the shock of his words.
“I did my best to track them down. My mother was killed almost immediately because she tried to protect my sister…and then my sister was shot in Istanbul when she tried to flee. A part of me is grateful they didn’t last long. They didn’t have to suffer as much. But I also wish they had cooperated because it would have given me time to find them.”
“Wilder…” The tears formed in my eyes quicker than I could feel them. “I’m so sorry.”
“Ever since that day, I’ve been doing this. I save people who can’t save themselves. I work for a commission for international crimes, but in my spare time, I focus on liberating women in these sex trafficking prisoners.”
Now I really felt like an idiot for judging him. “Thank you for telling me.”
“It’s something I’ve never really gotten over,” he continued. “I have good days and bad days, but that’s the kind of pain time can never heal. I’ve never been the same ever since. I don’t want to love anyone because I couldn’t bear it if something happened to them. So I’ve put up my walls to keep everyone out…but you keep fighting your way back in.”
I wanted to move to the seat beside him and wrap my arms around him, but I felt too weak to move.
“I just wanted you to know that.”
“Now I understand…”
“I want to be with you. I just don’t think I could do it.”
I didn’t want to persuade him to change his mind. That wasn’t how I wanted our relationship to begin anyway. But I also wanted the best for him—and I didn’t think this was it. “What’s the point of living if you don’t live to the fullest?” I whispered. “You have meaningless sex with women who don’t matter because it’s safe. But are you ever really happy?”
He shook his head. “I haven’t been happy in over a decade.”
“You could be happy if you gave it a chance.”
“And if I lost you?” He locked his gaze onto me, his brown eyes looking like chocolate. “What would I do?”
“Looks like you’d fall right back here, where you started. So you really have nothing to lose.”
He bowed his head and continued to rub his palms together. “When it comes to you, I have everything to lose.”
I suspected there was something more on his end. When we spent months together hidden away in that chalet in the snow, it seemed like we were more than friends. He constantly pushed me away, fighting the feelings that I shared. Now that he confessed them to me, I wasn’t surprised. I’d always know anyway. “Where does that leave us?”
He continued to stare at the floor, his shoulders wide and expansive with power. “Nothing can change, Gray. I just wanted you to know how I feel…just in case something happens to me.”
“And that’s it?” I kept the hurt out of my voice. “We just move on like nothing happened?”
He looked up again, the same focused expression on his face. “We have to.”
I held back my disappointment because I couldn’t reason with this man. He was just as stubborn as I was, and when he made up his mind, he stuck to it. I shouldn’t waste my time convincing the man I wanted he should be with me. Not exactly romantic.
I left the chair and walked to the front door. “Well…I should get going.” I had nowhere else to be, but I didn’t want to be alone with him any longer. I had to move on with my life and truly see Wilder as a friend.
“Yeah.” He didn’t move from his place on the couch, examining his hands like he’d never seen them before.
Something kept me on that side of the door. My hand rested on the doorknob, but I didn’t open it. “There’s something you haven’t considered.”
“Hmm?”
“One day, you are going to lose me…” I stared at him as I waited for him to meet my look. “Something could go wrong on a mission, and I could never make it back. It’s gonna hurt just the same whether you give this a chance or not. Something to keep in mind.”
***
Ben walked into my bedroom without knocking. “You wanna get some dinner?”
“Ugh, do you mind knocking?” I was sitting in the chair next to the window reading through the mission files.
“I’ve already seen you naked, babe.”
My only response was a glare.
He sighed then walked back outside and shut the door. This time he knocked.
“Come in.”
He stepped inside with a smile on his face, starting the conversation over. “Hey, babe. You wanna get some dinner?”
I couldn’t help but smile at the reenactment. “Sure. I can eat.”
“What are you in the mood for?”
I walked out with him and headed to the garage where the selection of sports cars waited. “Anything.”
“A woman that isn’t picky…I like it.” He left the estate and headed down the road to the nearest town. The historic castle stood tall in the distance. The stone walls looked majestic and timeless.
He pulled into the parking lot, and we took our seats at the small table in the tiny restaurant. I quickly began to fall in love with this foreign place. I loved the French accents in the background and the small restaurants that could barely hold twenty people. Everything I ate was uniquely fresh, not packed with dyes and preservatives like stuff in America. The people were wonderful too, so nice and never
judgmental of my little French.
We got our food shortly afterward along with two glasses of wine.
“So, what did the boss want to talk about?” Ben didn’t bother hiding his jealousy. Even though he and I were just fooling around, he seemed to be more invested in us than he should be.
“We talked about our plans for dealing with my father. I’m not too thrilled about it…”
“What does he have in mind?”
“He wouldn’t give me the details…but I suspect he’s going to torture me to get my father to cooperate.”
Ben’s eyebrows furrowed in the same way they always did when he was angry. “Hurt his own agent?”
I nodded.
“Is he a psychopath?”
“I’m not a big fan of it either, but I gave him my permission.”
Ben was about to drink his wine but quickly changed his mind. “Are you a psychopath?”
“From what Wilder says, my father is extremely dangerous. He’s smart, resourceful, and unbeatable. The only way to reel him in is by using me in some capacity. We have to at least try.”
“I don’t know, Gray…”
“If my father really is the criminal that Wilder says he is, then I need to do this. I should have let Wilder take him when he had the chance, but I interfered and ruined everything. It’s my responsibility to make it right.”
“No, it’s Wilder’s fault. He shouldn’t have made the trade.”
Now that it was in the past, there was no reason to play “what if.”
“It doesn’t matter now. Hopefully, we’ll capture him. That way Wilder will have two birds with one stone.”
“I guess.” He drank his white wine, stirring it and smelling it just like the locals. “But you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Don’t let him pressure you.”
“He didn’t pressure me.” I had to do what was right for everyone. If my father was the ruthless killer Wilder claimed, I had to do the right thing. Getting him behind bars was my responsibility.
“Looks like we’re ready to head out then.” He took another drink, finishing his second glass.
I didn’t want to talk about my conversation with Wilder, but Ben had the right to know. Now that we were sleeping together, my personal life was his business. “Wilder and I talked about us…”
“Yeah?” Ben’s tone dried up like a riverbed in summer.
“He said he wanted to be with me, that he’s jealous of the two of us.”
Ben was absolutely still. He didn’t even try to pour himself another glass of wine. “And what did you say?”
I told him the truth. “I want to be with him too.”
Ben bowed his head. “I should have seen this coming…”
“But Wilder said it would never work between us. After losing his mother and his sister, he can’t afford to lose anyone else. So feeling numb is better than feeling anything else.”
“I was wondering if he was going to tell you…”
“And that’s where the conversation ended. We’re just friends—and that’s all we’ll ever be.” I thought my final words to him would change his mind, but he didn’t stop me from walking out. He let me go—and that was it.
“That works out for me,” he said.
“I don’t say any of this to hurt you. I just want to be honest with you. You deserve nothing but my transparency.”
“I appreciate that,” Ben whispered. “I really do.”
I sipped my wine to mask the tension at the table. Ben was into me, but I had to tell him the truth—that I was into someone else. Our relationship was purely physical and mixed with friendship. But something more intimate was off the table. “If you just want to be friends, I’m okay with that.”
“Nah. You’re good in bed.” He winked. “How about we keep this friends-with-benefits relationship? Eventually, you’ll fall in love with me, and then we can get serious. How does that sound?”
“I’m gonna fall in love with you, huh?” I asked with a laugh. Ben was sweet and sexy, two traits any woman would kill to have, but it took more than that to sweep me off my feet. I wasn’t sure what Wilder did to attract my attention, but he obviously did something.
“Oh yeah,” he said. “I’m very confident in my abilities. It would have happened already if you weren’t hung up on Wilder. But I like a challenge, so it’s okay.”
“So you want me to fall in love with you?” I figured Ben would be thrilled about a friends-with-benefits relationship. There were no expectations or pressure. Ben could get all the good aspects of a relationship without the bad stuff.
He shrugged. “Not right this second, but eventually. The sex would be even better.” He winked then poured himself another glass.
“I doubt it. It’s already pretty amazing.”
He clinked his glass against mine. “Oh, sweetheart. It’s just getting started.”
Chapter Five
The day had finally come, and we set off.
I packed my essentials to be dropped off at the safe house to be retrieved later. The only thing I could bring was my vest, my gun, and the knife inside my boot. Instead of being nervous, I didn’t feel anything. I was about to come face to face with my father after that conversation we had, but I still didn’t feel the dread like I should.
I was absolutely numb.
We met in the chateau right in front of the huge doors Wilder and I first entered through when we arrived. Shane sat on a chair with her laptop bag hanging over her shoulder. Maxine looked ready for battle dressed in all black with various guns in her holsters. Her leather jacket hid most of her weapons, but when she turned her body, I could catch a glimpse of the firepower.
Ben joined me, looking sexy in his black leather jacket. An AK-47 hung over his back nonchalantly, like it was a backpack. “Ready to kick us some ass?”
“I think so.”
He nudged me in the side. “You’ll be alright. Wilder is a good partner to have. And I know you can handle yourself.”
I didn’t realize I needed that encouragement until he gave it to me. “Thanks.”
“I’m always a phone call away if you need to talk.”
“I know that too.”
He wrapped his arm around me and kissed me, right in front of everyone in the room.
Despite the lack of professionalism, I didn’t stop him. His affection was appreciated in this difficult time. I kissed him back and felt the stubble around his lips. It reminded me of the evening before when we spent the night in my room.
“Let’s get going.” Wilder announced himself to the entire room with those three little words.
I broke my kiss with Ben, feeling guilty that Wilder caught me in the act.
Wilder didn’t seem affected. He opened the front door and walked out like nothing just happened.
Ben shrugged, a guilty smile on his face. “Bad timing.”
We walked to the runway where the planes were waiting. They were fueled and ready to go as we embarked on our separate journeys.
Ben gave me one final hug. “You’re gonna do great, babe. I know it.”
“Thanks, Ben. Nice to know someone believes in me.”
He smiled then fist-bumped me, knowing he couldn’t give me any deeper affection.
I smiled and finished the exchange before I walked away.
Wilder had just finished shoving our bags into the compartment under the plane. He didn’t look at me before he got inside the plane and into the cockpit. He threw the helmet on and started the engine.
I took the seat beside him and buckled myself in before I placed the helmet over my head. Wilder spoke with the air traffic control as he checked all the features of the plane and prepared for take-off.
Not once did he mention Ben.
I felt guilty for what he saw, but I knew I shouldn’t. Just because he confessed his feelings for me didn’t mean I should put everything on hold for him. That wasn’t how I was going to live my life, revolving it around a man who wouldn’t step up.
>
“Ready?” Wilder asked.
“Yep.”
Wilder spoke over the intercom then approached the runway first. The propellers were working hard and the only way we could hear each other was through the speakers inside our helmets. Wilder lined up the plane, and once he was given the all-clear, he took off. He sped down the runway, and almost instantly, the air lifted our wings and we soared into the sky.
I loved flying. I didn’t have much experience with it because I never left my hometown. But on the few rides I had with Wilder, I enjoyed it. Small planes weren’t as safe as those commercial jetliners, but they were definitely more thrilling.
Wilder reached cruising altitude then put it on autopilot. The flight would last a few hours, so there was no reason to grip the wheel the entire time. He sat back and enjoyed the view, his dark sunglasses on his eyes. He just shaved the morning, but by the end of the night, that five o’clock shadow would be back.
That kiss I had with Ben was on both of our minds, so I didn’t know what to say. I thought about changing the subject, but that would be just as obvious. Instead, I focused on the clouds that were half a mile below us.
After thirty minutes of silence, Wilder spoke. “Beautiful, right?”
“There’s nothing like it…”
“I knew you would be a fan of flying. I could just tell.”
“Yeah.”
“Want me to teach you?”
I turned back to him, looking into those tinted sunglasses and wishing I could see his pretty eyes. “Right now?”
“Why not? We’ve got time to kill.”
“Isn’t it on autopilot? I thought the most difficult parts of flying were takeoff and landing.”
“They are. But there’s important stuff in between too.” He went through the different buttons and levers on the dash and explained each one to me. It was a lot of information, and I didn’t have a pen to take notes, so he would have to explain it to me again some other time. But it was nice to get a general rundown. After talking about a neutral topic for thirty minutes, the tension between us seemed to disappear. Neither one of us were thinking about that last kiss I had with Ben.
“Got it?” he asked.
“Would you judge me if I said no?”