by K. Langston
He wants me to make a decision about my future.
But I’m just not ready to decide yet. He has no idea about my plans to move to Nashville with Linc after graduation. Because even I’m not sure if that is still going to happen. We talk about it more and more the closer we inch toward grad, but my decision will be based on tonight and how this all plays out.
“I won’t let anything happen to her, Mr. Dawson.”
The conviction in Linc’s voice satisfies my father, and he finally smiles, landing a hand to Linc’s shoulder. “I know you won’t, son. You better behave yourself, too,”
“You don’t have to worry about that.”
I press my lips together, trying to suppress my disappointment. This is why I keep holding back. Each time I get the nerve to tell him, he always says something that makes me believe he doesn’t feel the same, or wouldn’t acknowledge it if he did.
Our friendship is too precious.
Will love destroy it?
Is he afraid to express his true feelings because deep down he knows it could end up ruining everything? That’s another reason holding me back for so long, but with graduation slowly creeping upon us, I can’t hold back any longer. There are too many what-ifs, mainly being what-if I let the love of my life get away?
When my mother returns, we are bombarded with her need to document every single second. She continuously snaps shot after shot as Linc slips the corsage on my wrist, a small smirk tugging the corner of his lips as I pin the boutonniere to his lapel. Standing in front of the fireplace, he wraps his arms around my waist as I press my back to his front, the warmth and safety I feel inside of these arms cannot be described.
I belong here.
It is as simple and complicated as that.
After thirty minutes of photos, and a small lecture from my father about drugs and alcohol, and how they can have dire consequences on a night like tonight, Linc leads me out front.
“Linc, you didn’t!”
He squeezes my hand. “Told you I would.”
The driver opens the door with the tip of his hat as we climb inside the long, black limousine. “This is so cool, but you didn’t have to do this. I would have been more than happy to ride in your truck or your mom’s car. How much did this cost?”
“Don’t worry about that stuff, Syl. I’ve got this. Besides, I wasn’t gonna take you in my beat-up truck, or my mom’s Taurus. That would not be cool.” He settles in next to me, the faint smell of his familiar cologne filling the small space. “We’re pickin’ up Rachel and Will, too.”
“They knew about this?”
He nods, a boyish grin curling his lips. “I wanted to surprise you. You surprised?”
“Definitely surprised. Thank you, Linc.” I lean over to kiss his smooth cheek. “This is going to be the best night ever.”
Linc reaches for my hand, lacing my fingers with his, and he doesn’t let go until we get to the hotel where prom is being held.
Tonight is not going the way I planned. Matter of fact, it’s not going well at all. From the second we walk in, Linc is pulled in every direction. It is normal. Everywhere we go he has people wanting to be near him. It’s as if he is the only person in the room. And usually I’m not bothered by it, but tonight I want his full attention.
“Will you stop being a chickenshit and tell him already?” Rachel says.
While Rachel and I sit at the table, the guys go grab us some drinks.
I’ve tried several times to tell him but I just can’t seem to find the right time.
Or the courage.
“I’m going to. I’m just…”
“Chickenshit,” Rachel finishes.
She’s known about my feelings for Linc for a while now and has been doing her best to convince me to come clean for months. She even worked through what to say with me so I didn’t sound like an idiot. And all of it sounds really good, in theory.
Now…not so much.
“You’re not helping you know; you should be giving me words of encouragement.”
“Okay, fine. If you don’t tell him, I will.”
I glare at her. “You wouldn’t.”
She challenges my stare. “Oh, I so would.”
“Would do what?” Linc asks, placing a clear plastic cup filled with Coke in front of me.
Will takes the seat next to his girlfriend with a knowing look on his face. I could kill Rachel for telling him but apparently when you’ve been together as long as those two, there are no secrets.
She promised me he wouldn’t say anything.
“Nothing,” I say before putting the straw between my lips, sucking down half the drink. My mouth is so dry. My nerves frazzled. I need to relax and take a deep breath.
The DJ puts on a familiar song and Linc reaches for my hand, pulling me onto the dance floor. “C’mon.”
His arms wrap around my waist, holding me close, while mine find their place on his shoulders.
“Remember this song?” he says after a few turns.
I remember.
How could I ever forget? It’s my favorite song in the whole wide world, especially when he sings it.
“Ferris wheel,” he reminds me with a smile, even though I already knew. “You were so damn scared. Kind of like you are now. What’s up with you? You’ve been on edge all night.”
I have the sudden urge to flee, to run away and hide. Fear sits like a heavy stone in my belly, and I find it difficult to speak around my tight throat.
“Talk to me, Syl.”
Nothing’s wrong.
Yet.
But that all might change the second I open my mouth.
I’m in love with you.
It’s right there on the tip of my tongue. It tastes of hope and desire, and a million other emotions I can’t define. It is every dream and fantasy I’ve ever known all rolled into one beautiful moment.
But I can’t say the words. Fear outweighs courage and just as quickly as it appears…
My chance is gone.
“I’m just scared about graduation is all,” I lie.
“Why?”
I shrug, avoiding his eyes. I’m afraid if I look at them, they will see everything I’m hiding inside. “You’re still comin’ with me, right? Have you heard back from Vandy yet?”
Shaking my head, I lie again. I received the acceptance letter two weeks ago but I haven’t told him yet.
Yet another secret I am keeping from him.
“You’ll get in. And if you don’t, you can go to community college until you do.”
“I still have no idea what I even wanna do with my life.”
“So what. We’re young, Syl. You don’t need all the answers right now.”
“True, but I still need answers to the most pressing ones, like finding a job and figuring out how I’ll pay my part of the rent and—”
“Hey, I told you not to worry about any of that.”
I press my lips together, suppressing my insecurities. This has been a constant argument between us. He has his inheritance from his father’s life insurance so he doesn’t need money, but he doesn’t understand how important it is for me to pay my own way. I can’t depend on him for everything.
Yes, I am in love with him. And yes, I want to be with him, but there’s absolutely no way I will let him pay my way. And then I have to wonder if I would just be in the way. He’ll be busy pursuing his music, and I have no doubt he will make it big once the right person discovers him.
“I don’t wanna talk about this right now. It’s too depressing.”
“Our future is depressing?” he asks with a raised brow.
‘Our?’
Hope flares in my chest.
“Listen, you’re comin’ to Nashville with me. We’ve been plannin’ this for too long and I can’t do it without you. I won’t. So stop being so damn stubborn.”
“Me? Stubborn? I could say the same about you.”
“That’s why you’re my best friend,” he says, pressing his hand to t
he small of my back, effectively molding me to his body. “I could never be anyone but myself when I’m with you.”
Resting my head on his shoulder, I close my eyes, my heart cracking in two. It screams to tell him, to confess every secret and fantasy my soul carries, but I just can’t bring myself to risk what we have. If we don’t work out or worse, he doesn’t feel the same way, our relationship will never be the same again.
So I settle on what we are instead of what we could be.
Past
A few weeks later, Rachel and I are getting ready for a party at her house. I’m still mourning my lost chance to tell Linc how I feel but I continue to remind myself that it’s for the best.
“C’mon, Rach,” I whine again, stomping my foot.
She’s been teasing her hair to high heaven for more than thirty minutes now. The brown locks are more than perfect. The barrel curls falling flawlessly down her back.
“Hold your horses,” she says, smearing on some of her favorite nude gloss. She gives her hair one final coif before grabbing her purse. Then we hop inside her Honda Civic and drive to the edge of town.
“You’re tellin’ him tonight, right?” Rachel asks.
“Rachel,” I warn.
My hope has been crushed, devastated by fate’s blow. I’d decided being just friends is best for both of us. It’s safe. And the only absolute guarantee that I won’t lose him.
Rachel disagrees.
“He’s a guy, Sylvie, not a mind reader.”
“I don’t want it to change things between us.”
“Things have already changed. Ever since prom there’s been tension between you two, and it’s a little awkward. It’s upsetting the dynamic of the group.”
“Oh, my bad,” I say with a sarcastic laugh.
“You know what I mean. Have you seen the way he looks at you? You can see it all over his face. One of you needs to bite the bullet and just say it already before I lose my damn mind.”
Looking out my window as we arrive, I see cars parked everywhere. Field parties happen often in Grandeur, there’s not much else to do with time to waste and lots of open space. Usually, it’s just people we go to school with, but it’s my birthday, and Nelson, the guy responsible for planning these things, used that as an excuse to have a blowout. There are cars parked everywhere when we arrive. Some from three counties over.
“Holy shit!” I gasp when I spot a tag from Clarke County.
That’s an hour away.
“Nelson wasn’t bullshitting, was he?” Rachel is as shocked as I am. “Who are all of these people? And why would they come to a birthday party for someone they don’t even know?”
“They know Nelson, that’s enough I suppose.” Rachel shrugs. “You ready?”
I give her a nod and a smile as we exit the car.
Jeans are mandatory attire if you want to survive the mosquitos out here, but tonight I paired them with a tank top and flip flops to ward off the heat.
We greet people on our way to the circle of tailgates. There are probably twenty or more pickup trucks here tonight, whereas usually there is only about ten or less. And there must have been at least a hundred people standing around.
This is insane.
We spot Linc’s Ford right away.
“Ladies!” Will shouts as we approach, hopping down from the truck.
As usual, Linc is surrounded by people. Mostly girls. One girl in particular. She is constantly flirting with Linc. The other girls don’t stand a chance when Adele Hiller is around.
But then his eyes lift to mine and that incredible smile of his makes my belly dip as he abandons them all, including a sulking Adele, to come to me.
God.
And he looks ridiculously hot in my favorite pair of worn-out jeans, dirty boots, and a gray T-shirt that has been washed so generously.
“I didn’t think you’d ever get here.” He wraps his arms around me, blessing my body with the warmth of his embrace. I’d never be able to explain what his mere presence alone does to me but his hugs are like a warm blanket that was just pulled fresh from the dryer.
“Happy birthday, Syl,” he says in a deep, sexy tone next to my ear, sending a shiver down my spine.
“Thanks.”
He pulls back but doesn’t release me right away. “I got a surprise for you later.” Green eyes shimmer with mischief.
“Oh God, I’m afraid to even ask.”
“Trust me, you’re gonna love it.” He finally lets go, and I have to refrain from sagging with disappointment. “Nelson managed to get his hands on a few kegs. You want a drink?”
“Sure.”
I don’t drink a lot. Actually, I can count on two fingers how many times I’ve been drunk, and neither occasion was pretty. But it’s my birthday and I need something to ease this tight knot in my belly.
“Be right back.”
I glance over to find Rachel and Will, who are wrapped in each other’s arms, whispering quietly in the back of the truck. I am so envious of their relationship, and how good they are for each other. They’ve been together since the sixth grade. What started out as friends became something beautiful and it has always given me hope that I could someday have the same with Linc.
I look away, no longer willing to bear witness to their excessive groping or entertain my stupid dreams.
My eyes scan the crowd, the glow of the fire illuminating a few faces I know, most I don’t. I spot Nelson and some of his buddies standing a few feet away, but there is one guy who immediately captures my attention.
He whispers something in the ear of the girl standing next to him and she giggles, dipping her chin in a flirty way. I smile, wondering what he could have possibly said to make her blush so furiously. She presses a hand to his chest, shoving him away, and he laughs, shaking his head before his eyes lift to catch mine.
His dark, curious gaze holds me hostage as an odd feeling washes over me. Those dangerous eyes frighten me.
Excite me.
No one has ever looked at me with such intensity before. Like I’m a woman. Like he wants me.
Like I’m already his.
The girl says something else, and his imprisoning gaze finally sets me free. I spin away, heat invading my neck and cheeks. Then I turn my attention back to Rachel, who has thankfully let go of Will long enough for me to ask, “Who’s that guy in the black shirt, over there with Nelson?”
They both stretch their necks to get a better look. “Damn, don’t make it obvious, y’all,” I scold, heat blazing beneath my skin.
“Don’t know. Never seen him here before,” Will answers.
“Shit, he’s walking over here,” Rachel says, hopping down from the tailgate. She opens her mouth to speak but it’s too late.
The mysterious guy is already standing in front of me.
His dark brown eyes swing to Rachel before he grins and then brings them right back to me. “Sylvie, right?”
I nod.
How the hell does he know my name?
“Happy birthday,” he says, stuffing his hands into his pockets and rocking on his heels.
Rachel and I share a look before I mutter a polite, “Thank you?”
“I’m the one who should be thanking you, actually.” His voice is warm and deep, causing my belly to dip.
“Thank me for what?” I’m completely confused now.
“For taking care of my baby sister a few weeks ago. Nelson told me.”
“Dani’s your sister?”
She transferred here from New York last year. We met once at a party a few weeks back and she was drunk off her ass, puking behind a tree. I held her hair back for her until the guy she was with finally stepped in to take care of her.
But it hadn’t been this guy.
He lifts his chin, and when he does, I take a moment to appreciate his sharp jaw and scruffy face.
“Oh, it was nothing. I didn’t mind at all,” I say, waving my hand back and forth. “We’ve all been there.”
Why am I
so nervous? I never get nervous around guys.
Well, except one guy.
But this is different.
His brown eyes seem hauntingly familiar, but I know we’ve never met. I would remember meeting someone as good-looking as him.
The grin holding court on his face won’t let up, but I want to see his teeth. See if they are straight or as crooked as his smile.
Linc returns, handing me a blue solo cup full of foamy beer. “Why are your cheeks so red?” His brow wrinkles in the middle as his curious eyes roam my face.
I flush again, fumbling for my words. “Oh, um…Linc, this is…I’m sorry, what’s your name again?”
The stranger finally smiles, a full on smile showing me a row of white teeth. But, as suspected, they are not perfect. There’s one that is kicked in to the side just a tiny bit and it only adds to his alarming appeal.
“Dean.” He extends his hand. “Dean Winters.”
Linc steps forward, giving him a firm shake. “Linc Matthews,” he replies, then retreats back, draping an arm around my shoulder and pulling me in close to his side.
Dean cocks his head, the confused look on his face matching mine I’m sure. An uncomfortable silence hangs between us before Dean clears his throat. “Well, thanks again, Sylvie.” His eyes hold mine. “Hope you have a great birthday.”
Linc grunts and I elbow him in the ribs. “Nice to meet you, Dean.”
With a nod to Rachel, Dean completely ignores Linc and walks away.
“What the hell was that about?” I ask, shoving Linc’s arm from my shoulder.
He has the nerve to look surprised. “What?”
“You know what.” I snap.
“I’ve heard about that guy,” Linc says. “He’s trouble.”
“You know as well as I do you can’t believe everything you hear in this town.”
“Yeah, well, everything I’ve heard is nothin’ good. Stay away from him, Sylvie.”
I blink at the demanding tone of Linc’s voice and open my mouth to tell him off but I’m interrupted. “Hey, Matthews, grab your guitar. Let’s crank this party up,” Nelson shouts.