by K. Langston
“Maybe this is for the best. I mean…I wanted you two together more than anyone but it’s clear fate has other plans.”
I’ve told myself that very same thing a million times but for some damn reason, my heart refuses to believe it.
“How was the show?” I ask, trying to move on to a less painful subject.
Rachel’s eyes light up. “Oh, Sylvie, he was amazing. I’ve never seen him sing like that. He was so passionate and energetic. Will and I were both blown away. He’s written some new songs and the crowd…wow…they really love them some Lincoln Cole.”
My smile grows bigger, pride swelling in my chest. “I wish I could have been there.”
“Well,” she starts, reaching for her bag. “He did ask me to give you this.”
It is a plain white envelope with my name written in Linc’s messy scribble across the front. My breath stalls and the urge to rip it open is strong, but I quietly thank her and tuck it inside of my purse to read later.
Rachel continues to tell me about their trip, but the only thing I can think about are the words waiting for me.
After we finish lunch, I don’t even make it to my car before I retrieve the letter from my bag. I hold it in my hand for what seems like forever before I finally rip it open. There is a crisp piece of paper and a crinkled one.
I read the neat one first.
Syl,
I’m not sure where to start. I usually have no problem putting my feelings into words but I’m struggling today. Mostly because I would prefer to say these things to you face-to-face rather than put them on paper, but every time I try to do that, it either comes out the wrong way or at the wrong time. But then again, I guess there will never be a right time for me to feel this way, because whether I like it or not, you belong to him.
It kills me to say that out loud.
Seeing it in black and white is even more painful. Because it makes it real. I guess in the back of my mind I’ve been holding on to the hope that this wouldn’t last. I know that sounds selfish but it’s the truth. I love you. More than you will ever know, and I regret every single day that passed by without me telling you just how much you mean to me. I’m holding on to something I never had and deep down I know I have to let it go.
I know that.
But I can’t.
I don’t know how.
You are the most important person in my life and I don’t see that ever changing. So, for now, I accept what we are.
Friends.
I’m sorry for the way I spoke to you on the phone, but I’m not sorry for what I said. I meant every word. Even though we can’t be together, I’m not willing to give you up. I don’t give a shit what he says. You’re my best friend and that will NEVER change.
Never.
But the fact remains that you are married, and as much as I don’t want to, I must respect that. But make no mistake—I’m not going anywhere. I won’t allow you to push me away and neither will he. I love you, Syl. I always will. I’ll call you in a few days. Give Caroline a kiss for me.
Love,
Linc
It is impossible to contain my emotions. They stream down my face, landing on the paper in my lap, coursing through my veins and instilling relief inside my heart. No matter what happens, Linc will always be there, and the knowledge leaves me with an immense amount of comfort.
And pain.
Remembering the crinkled up sheet of paper behind his letter, I gasp when I realize what it is. It has faded with time but the words that had started our lifelong friendship are still there, written with swift determination on a piece of paper, marking a place and time I will never forget.
Friends forever.
Present
The late afternoon sun beats down on my back, causing sweat to bead across my forehead. I dig into the soft dirt, placing a bulb into the hole and covering it with a firm pat. I wish it were this easy to bury my past. But just like the flowers that bloom in the spring, so do my memories.
Trying to push Linc out of my life for good has been one failed attempt after another. He’d been just as relentless then as he is now. I’m surprised he’s stayed away this long.
Down on all fours, with my hands covered in dirt, his voice washes over my heated skin, making me even hotter. “Got anything cold to drink? My helper forgot to load the water cooler this mornin’ and I’m all out of Gatorade.”
I straighten, bringing a cupped hand over my brow.
Tall and imposing, the noon sun beams brightly behind him, casting a shadow across his face, but I have no problem taking in the rest of him. Broad shoulders stretch the fabric of his sweaty T-shirt, clinging to him like a second skin. My eyes fall to his waist where dirty blue jeans hang from his hips in such a way I’m forced to swallow back a sigh.
“Dyin’ here, Sylvie.”
My God, me too.
Dropping my shovel, I push to my feet and dust off my knees. “Sure, follow me.”
The other two bids I had for the repairs were much higher than Bradley’s Construction. So against my better judgment, and in favor of my budget, I’d gone with his quote. I’d politely requested someone else to do the work. I knew Linc and I would be forced to deal with our past eventually, but I’m still not ready.
Unfortunately, these two are all he has available right now. I know he is full of shit but what can I do.
This is Linc’s way of making me deal with him.
They’ve been here the last three days working on the roof. I’ve been at work the majority of the time but with it being Saturday, and my day off, it’s unavoidable.
I can feel his eyes on me as we make our way into the house.
Close.
Close enough to smell the sweat mixed with dirt and hard work. Close enough to feel the heat of his presence mingling with mine. Close enough to feel the pull that has always been there, hidden beneath the surface, dragging us both under.
I open the refrigerator door, grateful for the cool air greeting my warm skin. Reaching for two bottles of water, I set them on the counter. “Just use the back door and help yourself if you need more.” A chuckle, low and throaty, rumbles from his mouth, and I lift my eyes to his. Amusement crinkles in the corners, making him look older.
Wiser.
“What?” I ask.
He shakes his head with a soft laugh this time. Twisting the cap off, he tosses it onto the counter and lifts the bottle to his lips. His throat bobs with each swallow, sweat rolling down his tan neck before disappearing underneath his damp T-shirt. My mouth waters to taste him. My hands itch to touch. I reach for the cross around my neck, closing my eyes on a small sigh.
His deep laughter fills the room. It vibrates against my skin, electrifying my blood. “You okay?” he asks, and my eyes fly open.
He’s standing right in front of me now, a reckless smile showing off a row of perfect white teeth. That smile has my knees wobbling so I bring my hands behind me to brace myself.
“Fine,” I say, but it comes out all breathy and wrong.
I am so not fine.
“You’re nervous.” He takes a step closer, as if this kitchen weren’t small enough. I hate how easy it is for him to read me. I can’t hide anything from him; no matter how hard I try.
“How much longer do you have on the roof?” I shove out, nearly breathless. His closeness has such an effect on me, and it’s not only exhilarating but also completely unnerving.
“Eager to get rid of me?” He reaches out to touch me, and I flinch. His hand hangs midair while his eyes hold mine then he pulls a small leaf from my hair, bringing it in front of my face to show me before leaning forward. I stand motionless, completely overwhelmed by him. The smell of sweat and desire swirling like a tornado between us, bound for destruction. He dips his head, inhaling deeply. My nipples tighten in response.
“Linc.”
His eyes hold mine, captivating me. “Why are you fightin’ this so much? I know you want this. I know you want me just as much as I want you.
”
“Because I don’t deserve it,” I whisper.
I’ll never deserve this man in front of me. I’ve dreamed about our one and only kiss so many nights, praying someday my lips would have the pleasure of knowing his again.
Of being his.
The thought brings on so much guilt and shame it’s nearly suffocating.
He looks deep into my eyes; searching the parts of me only he can see.
“Mama?”
Caroline’s voice breaks our heated stare as Linc spins in place. “Sweet Caroline,” he breathes, setting his bottle down on the counter and rushing over to her. He hasn’t seen her in over a year but time stands still in my kitchen as she reaches her arms up to him, a look of pure joy radiating from her face.
“Linc!” He kneels in front of her, wrapping my baby in his strong arms. A small sob forces its way out of my mouth even though I do everything I can to hold it back.
“God, I’ve missed you,” he says, my heart aching at the softness in his voice.
“I’ve missed you, too,” she says into his neck.
“You’ve grown a foot taller since the last time I saw you.” Caroline pulls away, still beaming.
I haven’t seen her smile like that since…
“I’ve actually grown a foot and a quarter,” she states proudly. “Why haven’t you been to see us?” She frowns.
Linc tenses as he looks over his shoulder at me then back at her. “Your Mama needed some time for just you and her. But I’m back now. And I’m not goin’ anywhere this time, sweetheart.”
Caroline’s smile is so bright and so big; I have a hard time containing my own. After another hug, he stands up. “I gotta get back to work, but we’ll catch up soon, okay?”
“Okay,” she replies.
Linc doesn’t even spare me a second glance before he walks out the back door.
“Mama, are you okay?” Caroline asks, taking my hand in hers. I stare out the window, watching him brace his hands on the side of the truck, his head hanging between his rigid shoulders. The sight of him hurting is a familiar one. This is what we’ve become.
Pain and heartache.
Longing and need.
“Yes, baby, I’m fine.”
I hate lying to her but what am I supposed to say? The only man I’ve ever loved with all of my heart is here to stay, and I’m not sure how to feel about that. Right now, I want to run into his arms and forget the past seven years ever even happened, but when I look down at my daughter, the real love of my life, I know that will never be possible. No matter how bad the last few years have been, I can’t regret a single day of my life with Dean, because without him, I wouldn’t have her.
Present
The rain had set in following our intense moment in the kitchen, preventing Linc’s return to work on the house the following day. I’m grateful. It gives me the chance to regain control over my emotions. Which are all over the place right now. The way they’ve always been when it comes to him.
As I pour myself a cup of coffee, I hear the crunch of gravel on my driveway. He’d sent a text message last night saying he would be back today, weather permitting, and the early morning sun shining down on his pickup tells me the rain has finally taken leave.
Coffee in hand, I make my way out onto the back porch.
“Mornin’, Syl,” he greets, retrieving his tool belt from the cab of his truck and buckling it around his waist. I try hard not to admire the way the worn leather hangs from his hips, but it’s awfully hard.
I take a tentative sip from my mug. “Where’s your helper?”
He reaches inside his truck and grabs a mesh hat from the dash that has Dawson’s written across the front, pulling it down low on his brow.
“It’s his day off.” He grins. “Don’t worry, I brought water today.”
Well, that’s a relief.
“But I forgot my lunch.”
Shit.
I spin on my heel and hightail it inside. His chuckle sneaks through the screen before I slam the door.
When I get to the kitchen, Caroline is pouring juice into a cup. “Good morning, sweet girl,” I say, kissing the top of her head. “Sleep good?” She nods and takes her juice to the table. I get the griddle and the pancake mix out as well as a pack of bacon. “So what do you want to do today?” It’s Memorial Day so no school for her and I’m off work. I thought it would be good for us to get out of the house and spend some time together.
I look over my shoulder when she doesn’t answer and find her nose buried in her new book. “Caroline?”
Her brown eyes meet mine. “Ma’am?”
“I asked what you would like to do today.”
“Can’t we just stay here?” she asks softly.
I stop what I’m doing and take a seat at the table next to her. Her bare feet dangle from the chair and her dark hair is a tangled mess as she sits quietly reading her book. She’s so withdrawn. And I fear it’s only getting worse. Not only from me, but also from everyone. She doesn’t even like to leave the house anymore.
“I think we should get out and do something fun today. We could go see a movie,” I say, brushing the hair from her eyes with my hand.
She shakes her head, her tormented eyes meeting mine. “I just want to stay here, Mama, please.”
I give in. Because it’s easier, and right now we both need easy. “Okay. We’ll stay here. Would you like to help me in the garden later then?”
With a nod and a small smile, she returns to her book, and I get up to finish making her breakfast.
A few hours later, my hands and knees are covered in dirt and mud. Caroline and I have spent most of the morning weeding the beds around the back of the house and planting new seeds in our small vegetable garden. Gardening has become somewhat therapeutic for me. There’s something about planting a seed, watering it, nurturing it, and watching it grow into something beautiful or bountiful that fills my heart with a happiness I can’t quite describe. Mama says it stems from my need to take care of everyone around me. I just feel like it’s the only thing I’m good at besides being Caroline’s mother.
And even some days that’s questionable.
Caroline is always inquisitive about what we plant. How much sunlight it will need to grow, how much water it will require to sustain fruitful life. It took me a long time to master my green thumb. But she seems to enjoy it as much as I do and even checks out books at the library about plants and flowers and anything else she can get her hands on. She’s such a smart little girl.
Far smarter than I ever was.
She went inside a few minutes ago to get us both something to drink but she hasn’t returned. My little helper has gone AWOL. I smile, thinking she probably picked up her book, unable to put it down for too long.
Once I have the plants potted and situated, I gather up my garden tools and head for the shed to put them away but stop abruptly when I turn the corner to round the back of the house.
The air in my lungs flees on a gasp as I focus on the sight before me.
Linc and Caroline are sitting on the tailgate of his pickup, her dirt-covered feet swinging back and forth. She has the biggest smile on her face. I clutch the items in my hand closer to my chest as warmth invades my heart and a smile smothers my own face. I take a step back, hiding behind my rose bush so I can savor this moment.
She hasn’t smiled like that in so long. I swallow around the lump in my throat, my ears straining to hear their conversation, but all I hear is laughter before, finally, Linc’s deep voice asks, “So how’s school?”
Caroline shrugs. “It sucks. I hate it. The kids all look at me like I’m from another planet.”
He nudges her shoulder. “Ever think they just look at you because you’re beautiful?”
A shy smile tugs the corner of her mouth. “No, they look at me like that because they feel sorry for me, because of what my daddy did.”
Linc’s face falls but he doesn’t falter. “You know, you should never let anyone make
you feel bad about your dad. He loved you very much.” Caroline toys with the hem of her shirt, rubbing her bare feet together nervously. Linc reaches for her hand. “It’s okay to talk about him, with me or your mom.”
“Mama doesn’t like to talk about him,” she says, so quietly I almost don’t hear her.
I cover my mouth to trap the sob threatening to escape.
“It’s been hard on her, it’s been hard on you both, but it’s okay to talk about him. It’s okay to be sad and angry, that’s normal. But you need to remember all the good things, too.”
“That’s what the counselor said.”
Linc scoots closer. “If you ever need to talk to anyone, you can always talk to me,” he says.
Caroline looks up at him, her eyes wide and hopeful. “I’m so glad you’re back. Don’t ever leave again, okay? We need you.”
My heart twists and turns in my chest.
Linc clenches his jaw. “I’m not going anywhere. Not ever again. I promise.”
She nods, content with his response, and surprisingly, so am I.
“Linc?”
“Yeah?”
“Can you sing me a song?”
“You want me to sing you a song?” He laughs.
She nods. “When I’m sad or when I want to smile, I always listen to your songs.”
Like mother, like daughter.
Pride washes over his face as he leans down to kiss the top of her head. The walls around my heart struggle to keep my emotions at bay. “Well, I’ll do anything to keep that smile on your face.” He hops down from the truck.
“Where are you going?” she asks.
“Just so happens I have my guitar with me today,” he tells her with a wink.
Caroline beams at him as he reaches the cab of the truck. After retrieving his old guitar from the backseat, he takes his place again next to her.
“Any requests?”
She taps her chin as if she’s trying to decide, but I know what song she’ll choose before she even says it. “‘Sweet Caroline?’”
“I was hopin’ you’d say that.” He grins.
He strums the strings, finding the melody easily. He’s sung this song to her a million times. She never grows tired of hearing it and honestly, neither do I. It never fails to bring a smile to my face or light a fire in my heart. Finally finding my feet, I walk toward them, no longer able to stay away.