I nodded and wrote, My mom found you.
Jens’s eyebrows puckered in confusion. “Your mom found me?” Then he closed his eyes, pained at the revelation that I’d finally cracked. “Okay, baby. That’s nice.”
I didn’t bother to correct his assumption that I wasn’t nuts and bolts. I probably was permanently beyond what would pass for normal.
Grace knocked lightly twice on the door before letting herself in. She carried a tray with two bowls on it and a pitcher of water. Jens moved slowly, meeting Jamie’s trepidacious gaze as my boyfriend reached forward to help resituate my slumped torso. “I’m just trying to help her up so she can eat, okay? I’m not taking her anywhere, and no one’s going to hurt either of you.”
I tried to calm Jamie down, but I had precious little assurances for my own self, let alone to spare on him. Everyone breathed with relief when Jamie held his cool as I was straightened against the many pillows that cushioned my aching joints. I felt marginally stronger than the day before. I guessed the IV was giving me back some of the things I’d been lacking. Though the tube scared me, it seemed to be helping, so I gave it the benefit of the doubt.
Jamie’s peace only lasted so far. When Grace tried to spoon-feed him some broth from the green ceramic bowl, Jamie snapped. He smacked it out of her hands and shoved her across the room with more force than he’d had a few days ago. He was getting stronger, too, but his lucidity was questionable.
Poor Grace was disheveled, but thankfully, not hurt. It was almost as if she expected this and had braced herself for it. I wondered how much of our haze between fear and comfort had we actually been coherent for.
Don’t eat the food! They’ll separate us again! We can’t disappear from each other, Lucy! We have to get home!
I felt half a step ahead of Jamie, as far as lucidity went, and the difference was Jens. As much as I understood that Britta couldn’t be put in danger, I knew Jamie wouldn’t eat or get better until he saw her.
My hand shook from disuse as I gripped the pen again while the nurse and Jens tried to calm Jamie down. He was strong enough to stand, but only just, so they overpowered him gently and sat him down.
Jamie was crazy.
I was crazy.
I shook my head, determined the loony bin would not be my home. I’d waited long enough for a real place to belong to. I wouldn’t belong in Crazy Town.
No more, I decided. No more.
Nineteen.
I Love it, and it Dies
I started writing and didn’t stop for as long as my hand stayed with me. A few times I had to drop the pen to drink the broth Jens fed me. I hated, absolutely hated being fed, so I made it my mission to recover as quickly as possible so I wouldn’t be in a relationship where I was the mess anymore.
That was easier said than done, but writing everything down was a start. I filled the entire page before my determination began to waver, my grip going lax without my permission.
Jamie had calmed in only the bare minimum of definitions. Each sip of the broth brought a warning from him, but I took the bullet, showing him that even though I ate, we didn’t lose each other. Still he clung to me as he laid by my side. His arms were wrapped around my hips as if I was his last gold coin and the bandits would soon come and take me away. I was sitting up in the bed. Well, propped up on a mess of pillows, but I think that still counts.
Jens kept his distance, sitting at the foot of the bed and gently stroking my feet under the blanket as if they were made of the thinnest glass. He was patient, and I was grateful. Every now and then I would look up from my notebook and stare into his longing gaze with just as much desire to be closer to him. Though neither of us said it aloud, we decided to move slowly for Jamie’s sake. He was taking much longer to come back to himself.
By the fourth page, the words started to run together. I set the pen and notebook down on my legs, expecting Jens to pick it up so he could piece together our abduction. Jamie surprised us both by taking the notebook and starting his own account. He’d been reading mine as I wrote, and I watched him write, curious to see how different our time apart was.
Jamie’s hand was unpracticed, but he managed, scribbling angry strokes of the pen that tore rips into the page.
Chained to the floor in a black cell. Heard Jens’s voicemail, and then got a shock. Pain in my arms.
I love it and it dies. I love it and it dies. I love it and it dies. I love it and it dies.
Porridge poisoned. Starved. Taking the bond away. Playing Jens’s voicemail with a shock on our legs. Can’t move from the chains. Can’t stand. Cold floor.
I love it and it dies. I love it and it dies. I love it and it dies. I love it and it dies.
On and on Jamie wrote out the mantra that drove his nightmares. He scribbled until he tore the paper clean in two, breathing heavily through his teeth like an animal.
My hand drifted to his brown hair and stroked the curls there with clumsy fingers, hoping to bring him peace I was wishing for myself.
Britta’s dead! Jamie wailed, turning his head and weeping into my hip. If it was Jens, he would’ve brought her to us by now! Britta’s dead! My baby! My child is dead! I love it and it dies. I love it and it dies.
I took the pen and paper, flipping to a new page. I asked Jens on paper if Britta was dead.
“What? Of course not! Jamie, no. Britta’s fine. She’s healthy, still pregnant, and the baby’s good as far as the doctor can tell. We’re just waiting until you get ahold of yourself. Did you want to maybe try talking on the phone to her?”
I shook my head for Jamie. They’d used our voicemails to torture us. Nothing short of the real thing would suffice. I wrote as much to Jens, who sighed, running his hand over his face.
“Jamie, you have to start believing that I’m not going to hurt you. You’re safe now. I’m your brother, and I’m here. Just try a little harder to believe that, and I’ll bring her right to you. I can’t risk you hurting her. You have to stop attacking your nurse and me, first.”
I could hear Jamie’s internal debate and knew he was tilting in Jens’s favor. I’d drank a whole bowl of broth, and we were still alert and together. We had escaped the sirens. Jamie just needed that one last bit of sanity before he let himself believe the unbelievable.
Twenty.
Chicken and Carrots
It took a whole day to get everything I knew about the situation on paper. Jens waited until the end to leaf through it, his face growing grim and sickened with every paragraph he absorbed. Punch after punch landed in his gut, punctuating the pain of his worst fear – that something bad would happen to the few people in his life, and for all his muscles, he would be powerless to stop it.
“Grace!” Jens barked down the hall.
She entered the room with the practiced edge of bracing herself, but this time Jamie did not attack. Oh, the desire was there, but he was controlling it now. His fingers itched to hit her, but instead he held onto the bed and to my arm, breathing deeply through his nose to fend off the urge to fight.
Jens spoke in clipped tones. “I need you to start treating them for electric shock wounds. And when can they eat solid foods? Lucy’s getting smaller by the minute!”
He and Grace went back and forth on different approaches to treatment until Jens was a little less irate. He tore his phone out of his pocket and beckoned the person on the other end to take his place for a few hours.
I thought the sight of Foss would bring me peace or answers or comfort or something, but instead I felt only the same hesitation that kept me from believing Jens was real. When we were locked up, I did my best never to let my mind wander to Foss. Foss was a landmine, and I was already underground.
When Foss entered the room to take Jens’s place, he regarded me with the same uncertainty. He could barely look at me, while all I could do was stare blankly at him. I watched every movement for signs of falsity that might indicate the man sitting in the chair across the room was not actually Foss.
“I said stop staring at me like that!” Foss barked, arms folded across his chest.
How long had he been talking? I blinked at him while Jamie postured next to me. He was sitting on the side of the bed, feet on the floor in anticipation of walking. He’d waited for Grace to go make us some food, knowing he’d rather fall than let someone in hospital scrubs come too near him. Jamie rubbed his thigh muscle, doing his best to coax it into usefulness. He was determined to get to Britta. In his mind, he’d gone without attacking Grace for a couple hours now, so he should be able to see his wife.
“What? I’m not kidding, Lucy. Stop looking at me. I’ll leave right now if you don’t knock it off.” Foss was angry as he stood.
I’d heard him talking, but I couldn’t look away. I had to know if he was real. Had I really been married? The whole thing seemed ridiculous. Disjointed. I’d met Foss because of Uncle Rick.
Uncle Rick was dead. Even though my mom used his power in my mind, he was still dead.
That’s right, Jamie confirmed. So if Alrik comes through that door, we know it’s not real.
Okay. Then help me figure this out. I met Foss because I had Pesta’s rake. But he was terrible. He… did he push me around?
Yes. He’s Fossegrimen.
Why would I marry someone who pushed me around?
Jamie shrugged. That’s a good question. We were on the Isle of Fossegrim. He married you to make sure no one tried to abduct you again.
I had a ring! I exclaimed, bits and pieces surfacing as if through a muddy puddle. I looked down at my finger, and then recalled the size of the thing. It was built for The Rock, not me. It had hung around my neck. Did they take it away? My concern grew when I felt my collarbone and didn’t find a ring. Someone had taken my wedding ring. I didn’t know much about marriage, but that seemed like a big no-no.
No, Lucy. You got divorced. You gave the ring back to Foss. You’re with only Jens now.
That’s right. I love Jens. Jens is real. We’re not underground. We’re together.
Foss was towering over me next to the bed, doing his best to be intimidating. My gaze fell to the ruby on Foss’s finger, which was right at eye level to me. He was saying something, but I wasn’t listening. I reached out and grabbed the jewel, pulling his hand toward me so I could inspect the ring up close.
The fire. It branded me. I’d pulled Foss out of the burning house. I’d lived there in a red dress. I’d been his wife. We were friends now.
I nodded, pulling on his hand to drag him down to my level. He knelt by the bedside, grousing as he allowed me to examine his fist. “What are you doing?” he asked, wincing each time he looked at me.
My fingers moved to his face, trembling as they touched his cheekbones. I knew so much about him, and yet it felt distant, like I’d lived those choices in a previous life.
Foss closed his eyes so he didn’t have to look at me. “You’re too thin.” He looked pained at having to say it. “You’re not you. I don’t like it. You used to be… but now you’re…” When my finger traced under his chin, he whispered, “What did they do to you?”
I didn’t answer. There weren’t words, even if I’d had a voice.
A sandy-haired man in blue scrubs came in with a tray of food. This time I wanted to attack him, though not for the same reasons Jamie did. Roasted chicken and carrots wafted toward me, and I forgot all else. I dropped Foss’s face and reached for the food like a greedy child. My stomach was empty, and I needed to fill the gaping void inside with something other than questions and lies.
No! It’s a trap! It’s not Grace! It’s poisoned, Lucy! They got you to lower your guard! It’s not Foss! It’s not Foss! They’ll take you away again!
Even if it was true, I wanted the food – needed it, even. But the moment the bowl was placed on my lap, Jamie picked it up and threw it across the room, shattering the green ceramic against the opposite wall. He lunged at the male nurse, but fell, shaking like a madman before the well-trained nurse could force him back on the bed.
Foss whisked me away from Jamie and deposited me on the floor so he could help the nurse pin Jamie to the bed without anyone knocking me over. I took my moment and dragged my legs using my forearms and abs toward the remnants of my meal. I knew I had only seconds before Jamie took my food away again, so I snatched up the nearest bit, which was a thumb-sized chunk of chicken. I brushed away a shard of the plate and tore into the flesh, breathing hard at finally tasting real food. I wanted to weep, but there was no time. I grabbed a carrot and shoved it into my mouth, then another and another. It was all I wanted in life, and I attacked each bite with zeal to rival a wild animal.
Foss let out some noise of distress and scooped me up off the floor. “I’ll get you a new plate! Don’t eat off the floor! You were a Tribeswoman, and now you’re begging for scraps off the ground? No!” He turned to the nurse, his tone authoritative, as it always was. “Jamie’s cracked, but I know there are parts of her left in here. I’m taking her downstairs to eat. Jamie’s completely mental! She’s my wife, so this is my call.”
Jamie tore at the nurse’s shirt and reached to claw at the man’s face at the mention of Foss taking me away. I knew it would happen! I told you not to eat! Food takes you away from me! No!
Jamie, we’re dying! I have to eat sometime! It’s been too long we’ve been without food. I’m sorry! I have to try!
No, Lucy! Don’t leave me in here! They’ll shock me again! They’ll tie me to the ground. Help!
I turned my face into Foss’s shirt and wept for my weakness. I wept for Jamie and my inability to stay strong for him. I wept because I was weak, and I hated myself for the unforgivable state I’d deteriorated to.
Twenty-One.
Peanut Butter and Cheese
“How does that feel? Is the stretch too deep?” Jens asked of my wince. My knee was atop his shoulder with my foot dangling over his back. His face was inches from mine as he helped me with my four times daily physical therapy regimen. The deep stretches were painful, but what was worse was that I had my boyfriend literally between my legs, and there was zip chemistry between us. He was kind and gentle, which should have been wonderful, but it felt awful. I was the sick person, and he was the caregiver. I hated it. He hadn’t done more than peck my forehead in a week. When he would leave, I did my exercises by myself to cram in some extra credit. I hated this phase and wished to move past it as soon as humanly possible. I wanted to be back to where we were closer to equals. “Baby, you have to answer me,” Jens reminded me patiently.
Oh, yeah. I was so in my head these days, it was hard to remember to interact with people who were not Jamie. I shook my head in response. Not that it mattered. Jens stopped taking me at my word last week when I’d indicated I could walk on my own and ended up falling and banging my chin on the table.
He dropped my right leg and picked up the left, hooking my knee over his shoulder and leaning in to give me a good stretch. “Am I hurting you?”
I tried not to sigh as I shook my head. He was so careful with me. It was sweet, but I felt like his senile grandmother. I remembered being able to banter and bicker with him in our flirty way, but that fire seemed gone. We slept together at night, but I was so afraid of the dark that I made him bring in a night light. Jamie had the same anxiety, once our eyes began to adjust to normal light again. Jamie slept with a lamp on, waking up every few hours to make sure he wasn’t in the dark anymore.
“Lucy, you have to try concentrating when I’m talking, okay?” Jens wasn’t even upset that I had no idea he’d been speaking. We were suddenly stretching my back, and I hadn’t noticed the switch.
My eyes found his, and I was overcome with desperation to be in the moment – any moment. Jamie had been inconsolable for the entire week after Foss took me out of the room, and still he called for me when his fear and confusion grew too great. Parts of him knew we were safe, but the fear was sometimes more real than logic.
Charles Mace and Linus were in my imagination as I tried
to make sense of all the questions surrounding them. Linus came over to me with his hands shoved in his pockets. Lots of drama over there with the new emo sibling, he commented. What’s up with you?
You’re not real, I told him. Go back to Mace and hang out.
That’s mean, Linus huffed. I would never tell you you’re not real. I feel real. How about this? Linus reached out and pinched my arm. Did you feel that?
I batted his hand away. No. I told you. You’re not real. Go away.
Dang it. I thought you would’ve made me real by now. Linus shoved his hands back in his jeans pockets and went back to Mace, casting me forlorn looks at having to endure making friends with the loner who wasn’t all that chatty.
I turned back to reality, only to find myself in an empty room. Jens was gone, and I wasn’t sure how long I’d been alone.
The urge to break down was always there just beneath the surface, but I didn’t want that. There had been enough holding me back. I sat up and flopped my feet onto the floor, testing out their commitment before sending them into action. I’d walked down the hall plenty of times, but they’d all been with Jens or one of the nurses as a crutch. I wanted freedom. I wanted to go outside. I wasn’t even sure what month it was anymore. I had to shake the voices in my head, and figured fresh air was the way to go about that.
I wasn’t as terribly thin as I had been when they’d rescued me, but I had a long way to go. I compensated by eating like a horse everything they brought to me, but my joints were still stiff when I put pressure on them.
I shuffled my feet to the door, loving the thrill of going somewhere by myself. I was determined not to fall down, so I held onto the wall as I padded down the carpeted hallway toward the stairs. They’d put me on the second floor, and the steps down to my goal greeted me like they were as ominous as climbing up a mountain, as opposed to, well, walking down thirteen stairs. I tried not to get discouraged at the waif I’d been reduced to. Just a few months ago I’d been rock climbing and kayaking, building muscle and holding my own.
Lucy at War Page 9