Thankful

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  chapter twenty

  To Judith’s surprise, it had been relatively easy to make an appointment to see Kendra at the Maryville Women’s Correctional Facility. Bernie had helped her by talking to the warden and all sorts of other people who needed to be advised of their appointment. But in the end, all Ben had had to do was call and schedule their visit.

  What wasn’t so much of a surprise had been how her whole family had been eager to help them. Her parents had even offered to watch James for the day. Then, when they’d discovered that James was coming along, they offered to go on the journey, too, saying that they could help with the baby during the drive.

  As much as Judith would have liked their support, she rejected the offer. More than ever, she knew that she and Ben were going to need to go see Kendra on their own. She and Ben wanted both Kendra and Bernie to view them as capable, mature adults.

  But that hadn’t stopped them from welcoming Caleb, Rebecca, Josh, and Gretta to their house the evening before.

  To Judith’s pleasure, she soon realized that they hadn’t come to dispense advice but to instead offer support and comfort. The four of them had brought food, cooed over James, and simply listened. Not a one of them had been anything but encouraging and supportive.

  A little while later, her parents had shown up to do the same thing.

  She’d been humbled by their unselfishness and support. Awed by their love. And yet, when she’d told Caleb how grateful she was at the end of the night, he’d burst out laughing.

  Which had come as the greatest surprise. “What’s so funny?”

  “You are, Judith. All my life, you’ve been the one who has been so unabashedly free with her advice and bright ideas. Not me.”

  “That’s not true.”

  Caleb stared at her hard, with his arms folded over his chest. These days he now towered over her. “Of course it’s true. You’ve never been shy about telling me what you thought. And you were always sure you were right.”

  She felt her cheeks heat. “I guess you’re right. Was I insufferable?”

  “Of course not. You were just being Judith.”

  “Great.” It was pretty embarrassing to know that she’d spent most of her life acting like a bossy know-it-all.

  “Believe me. Now I appreciate your looking out for me. Someone had to keep all of us in line. Seven kinner is too much for any mother. Even our mamm.”

  “Caleb, I handled everyone just fine,” her mother said with a sniff.

  “Sorry, Mamm.”

  Taking pity on her brother, Judith said brightly, “Mamm, after being alone with James for only a couple of hours, I realized that being a mother is a lot of work! I’m beginning to realize that I never was near as smart as I thought I was.”

  “Better late than never I suppose,” her mother teased.

  While everyone chuckled, Caleb gave her a hug good-bye. “I’ll be thinking and praying for you tomorrow,” he whispered. “Don’t forget that we’re all going to be praying for you.”

  “I won’t. I need your prayers.”

  As they all filed out the door, it was Joshua who gave her the best surprise. “Lilly Miller is coming over in the morning with her daed to take you and Ben to the prison.”

  “But we were going to hire a driver,” Ben said.

  “I started thinking that maybe you didn’t need a stranger knowing so much of your business. Plus, it’s going to be a long day. Lilly will be here at ten.”

  Judith had been too grateful to protest her brother’s arranging it all without her input.

  They’d gone to bed, sure that it would be their most restless sleep ever. But to Judith’s surprise, all of them slept a solid five hours before James made his first peep.

  Now, as Lilly’s father pulled up to the prison’s main entrance, Judith felt a tremor race through her body. “I’m a little scared,” she whispered to Ben.

  “I am, too. Visiting a prison was never something I thought I’d be doing.”

  “Me, neither.”

  After Mr. Allen talked with the guard, he turned to them. “I’m afraid since Lilly and I aren’t planning to visit anyone, we can’t go any farther. The guard said a bus will be here in a few moments to pick you up.”

  “How will we get back in touch with ya?” Ben asked.

  Mr. Allen pointed to a nearby parking lot. “We’re going to wait over here. When a shuttle bus comes this way and drops people off, we’ll be looking for you.”

  Knowing it was useless to do anything but offer their thanks, Judith did just that, then with James safely in her arms, she followed her husband out of the car and to the small cement platform where they were told to wait.

  Two minutes later, the bus arrived. Judith felt a shiver run down her spine before she pushed it away. Now wasn’t the time to give in to fear. She had the support of her family, of Lilly and her family, of Bernie, and most important, of the Lord. With all of that, how could she be anything but thankful?

  Feeling lighter than ever in spirit, she stepped into the shuttle, certain that everything was going to be fine.

  “You’re all right, aren’t you?” Ben murmured as they sat down on a pair of benches.

  “I am. I am just fine. And James will be, too. I’m sure of it.” She kissed his brow and readjusted his blanket.

  As the shuttle headed toward the large brick building with very few windows, Judith hoped she was right.

  Though it was early, Christina knocked on Aden’s door. “Aden?” she called out softly. “Aden, are you awake?”

  She heard a couple of rustles, a muted exclamation, and then, at last, he replied, “Christina? Is that you?”

  To her chagrin, she realized she was nodding on the other side of the door. Feeling foolish, she raised her voice a bit. “Jah, it is me. Can I come in?”

  “Nee! I mean, hold on a sec,” he said in a garbled way. After another few seconds, she heard a drawer slam and more rustling, and then his door flew open.

  He wore faded pajama bottoms and his favorite old, worn T-shirt. But it was his eyes that caught her attention. They were filled with worry. “What’s wrong?”

  “Wrong? Oh, not a thing.” When his panicked expression turned confused, then piercing, she took a step back.

  Obviously striving for patience, he ran a hand over his jaw, a jaw that she now realized was covered with a fine covering of rough stubble. “So you decided to wake me up for no reason?”

  “Oh, I had a reason.”

  “Which is?”

  “It’s snowing.”

  Folding his arms over his chest, he raised an eyebrow. “And your point is . . .”

  “It means that the pond will be perfect to skate on this morning.”

  Slowly, his arms dropped to his sides. “And why does that matter to you?”

  It was time. Gathering her courage, she said, “Because I have decided that it’s time I went skating again. Aden, will you take me skating this morning? Please?”

  He blinked and opened his mouth, then bit back whatever he was going to say, gazing at her intently. “I’m sorry, but Christy, you’re going to have to back up a bit and let me catch up. Why do you want to go skating? Just a couple of days ago you were too scared to even stand next to the pond.”

  How could she even begin to try to explain everything that had been spinning in her head? Measuring her words carefully, she said, “I’ve been thinking a lot about you leaving. About our conversation about the seasons, and how everything moves forward . . . even when we’re not quite ready. I don’t want to fear change anymore, Aden.”

  He shook his head. “That conversation was about me being old enough to move out of your parents’ house. Your fear about going ice-skating is completely different.”

  “Maybe not.”

  “Christina, I’m right about this. You can’t compare the two. Me moving has nothing to do with you being afraid of something.”

  “I think it’s all the same. Aden, if you can move on, I can, too.”


  “I know. But I think we should wait until the time is right.”

  “I think that time is now.” Feeling stronger by the second, she smiled. “That pond is always going to be there. I’m tired of avoiding it. I think it’s finally the right time to conquer my fear of ice-skating. But . . . but I need you with me. Will you come with me, Aden? Do you mind helping me?”

  His expression instantly softened. “Of course I don’t mind. But—”

  She interrupted him, not wanting to hear any more of his excuses. “I know it’s a bother. I know I’ve probably depended on you for too much for too long. . . .”

  “You haven’t.”

  “Maybe you’re even tired of looking out for me,” she said in a rush, willing to say anything to get her way. “Maybe you—”

  “I’m not,” he interrupted.

  Feeling like she might just get her way, she said, “Aden, the truth is that I need you for one last thing. Will you come skating with me this morning? I know I can’t face the ice by myself.”

  His cheeks flushed. “I’ll help you with anything, always. But I’m not so certain that this is the right time.” His voice gentled. “Maybe you’re wanting this for the wrong reasons.”

  “I think I am ready.” She swallowed hard. She wasn’t sure if she was or not. She wasn’t sure about anything anymore, truth be told. All she did know was that very soon everything between them was about to change. “I want to be, anyway.”

  “There’s no hurry.”

  “No, there is. Aden, in just a couple of days, you’re going to move away.”

  His eyes lit up with amusement. “Christina, I’m not heading off to the jungle. I’m moving into an apartment in town. I promise, we can do this another day. Another day when you’re more ready.” Reaching out, he clasped one of her hands in between both of his and gently squeezed.

  His skin was warm and callused and so very familiar. A lump formed in her throat as she imagined a time when he wouldn’t be in her life. When he would be clasping someone else’s hand.

  And so, although she knew her voice was sounding a little too desperate, she said, “Please, can’t we just get it over with? I already checked, you don’t have to work today. I don’t, either.”

  He frowned a little mutinously and looked as if he was about to slam the door in her face, then at last sighed. “I can’t believe I’m saying this. But . . . all right.”

  “Danke!”

  He let go of her hand. “No, wait. Before we do this, you have to agree to something.”

  “Anything.”

  “I’m not going to let you put on skates and instantly jump on the ice. If we’re going to actually give this a try, we’re going to have to do it gradually.”

  “What do you mean by ‘gradually’?”

  “I mean that at first we’re going to simply sit on the banks. Only then, if you’re feeling ready, will we stand at the edge in our boots.”

  “That is not skating.”

  He ignored her comment. “Then, if you still feel like you’re ready for skates—and I think you’re ready, too, we’ll give it a try.”

  She raised a brow. “And if you don’t think I’m ready?”

  “Then we’ll wait a week or two.” Brightening, he said, “I know. We could try again on Sunday after church.”

  “By then you’ll have moved.”

  “I’ll wait.”

  “What?”

  He looked at her hard. Then, looking above her head, he seemed to come to a decision and finally spoke. “If you’re serious about this, I’ll wait to move until you conquer your fear.”

  “You’ll wait to move away until I can skate across the pond?”

  He nodded. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to move. It’s just that . . . if something happens . . . ” His voice drifted off, letting her understand that this exercise wasn’t going to be hard only for her, but for him, too. He was also battling his own demons and fears about her accident from ten years ago.

  “If something happens, you’ll be able to stay here, too,” she added so he wouldn’t have to.

  “Jah.” He exhaled. “Now, let me finish getting dressed. I’ll meet you outside by the barn in ten minutes.”

  “I’ll be ready.”

  “Me, too.” He smiled weakly, then shut the door.

  And then reality set in. She was going to have to face her fears before she could move forward.

  It was frightening and exhilarating.

  It was also going to be the hardest thing she’d ever done.

  chapter twenty-one

  Everything in the prison smelled like disinfectant, sweat, and something Judith couldn’t quite put her finger on. Maybe it was regret?

  In any case, she noticed the smell almost as much as the pale yellow walls, ugly beige linoleum flooring, and the many fierce-looking guards standing everywhere. She and Ben had had to walk through a metal detector and been searched, too. Then her purse had been placed in a locker before they’d been told to sit in some kind of awful waiting room filled with two rows of orange plastic chairs lining each wall, each one carefully nailed to the floor.

  Luckily, she’d been able to keep a bottle, pacifier, and stuffed toy for James. Not that he seemed to be in need of anything, she realized with some relief. As usual, the baby seemed to be perfectly content to be held in her arms.

  “Why do you think they nail the chairs to the floor?” she asked as they sat down. “It ain’t like we could cart one off with all the guards here.”

  “It ain’t like we’d want to,” Ben said. Looking around them with a frown, he added, “I have no idea, but I think it would be best if we don’t ask any questions.”

  “Oh, I won’t. These chairs are the least of my worries. I hope James keeps being so good.”

  “If he cries, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.” Looking down at the baby, Ben smiled. “Right now, it looks like he’s handling this visit better than we are.”

  She chuckled. “I’m a nervous nelly.”

  “Yes, you are. But I’d be surprised if you weren’t,” he said in his gentle way. “This is hard.”

  Just as Judith nodded, the guard who she’d come to understand was the woman in charge, called their names and motioned for them to come forward. “This is it,” she murmured, wishing she hadn’t been so stubborn and let Bernie come with them.

  “You will be sitting on one side of a plastic partition and the inmate will be sitting on the other side. You’ll be using telephones to talk. Understand?”

  “Jah,” Ben replied.

  “Then you all may walk to cubicle eight.”

  Judith looked around the room. There were ten cubicles taking up most of the room. In the center was a thick clear, plastic partition. Bold black numbers were pasted at the top of each, and old and dingy-looking black telephone receivers rested on either side on some kind of table that was attached to the partition’s walls. There were also more orange chairs for people to sit in.

  Currently, five of the cubicles were filled. Each person had a receiver held up to his or her ear and was talking eagerly to a woman in an orange uniform on the other side.

  Judith had been afraid their appearance would cause a lot of commotion. Sometimes folks could be so rude and obtrusive around an Amish person, staring and asking nosy questions.

  But here it was obvious that the only thing that interested anyone were the people they were talking to. They could have been invisible.

  At last they got to cubicle eight, and Judith got her first look at Kendra, who was already sitting on the other side.

  Kendra was solemn-looking and slim. Far slimmer than Judith had imagined. After all, she’d only given birth to James a few weeks earlier.

  She also looked tired and wary, and was staring at Judith and Ben with a curious expression. Not because they were Amish, Judith realized. No, it was because they were taking care of James.

  Judith knew the instant Kendra caught sight of James’s face. Her whole demea
nor transformed. A sweet smile played across her lips and her eyes lit up.

  And even through the plastic barrier, Judith could feel Kendra’s spirits lift.

  Judith smiled politely as Ben helped her to her seat and then took his own beside her. They’d already agreed that she would be the one who talked on the phone. Bernie had suggested that Kendra might feel more comfortable talking with another woman instead of a strange man.

  After sending out a silent prayer for guidance, Judith picked up the phone. “Hello, Kendra?” When the woman nodded, she continued. “Hi. My name is Judith. This here is my husband, Ben. We’ve brought James to see you for a visit.”

  “Hi.” Her eyes darted to Ben and Judith before going right back to James. “How’s he doing?”

  Beside her, Ben rearranged the baby in his arms so Kendra could see him as well as possible. “He is doing real gut. He’s a wonderful boppli, Kendra. A wonderful-gut little boy.”

  “He looks real good.”

  Kendra’s voice was deep and scratchy. Judith thought she sounded a little wistful, too.

  “I’ve really enjoyed getting to know him.” Imagining that Kendra would probably like to hear as much about James as possible, Judith said, “He’s a happy guy. Unless he needs his diaper changed! Then he fusses like nobody’s business.”

  As Judith hoped, Kendra laughed. “But other than that, he’s a joy. Always, he’s been a joy for us to watch over.”

  Kendra’s eyes lit up, making her appear younger. Softer. “Really?”

  “Oh, jah. He’s a real good eater, too. And he sleeps wonderful-gut, too.”

  Kendra smiled. “That’s real good to hear. It’s, ah, real nice of you to come up here to show him to me. And to tell me about him.”

  Judith smiled. After telling Kendra a few more stories, she knew it was time to get to the point of their visit. She knew she needed to tread carefully, however. She didn’t want to cut Kendra’s moment of happiness short. But when James fell sound asleep, and Kendra kept the phone to her ear and continued to stare at them in an expectant way, Judith knew that she couldn’t put things off any longer. “Kendra, I am glad to know you. I’m glad for the chance to tell you about James, too. But there’s another reason I . . . I mean, me and Ben wanted to see you. We need to talk to you about something.”