She leaned forward. “What is it? Is something wrong with James?”
“Oh, nee. I mean, no. Nothing like that. It’s rather about your sisters. Bernie—that’s our social worker—I think you’ve met her?” After Kendra nodded slowly, Judith said, “It turns out that your sisters told Bernie that they’re not real happy about us taking care of James.”
“Why?”
Judith looked at her husband. When Ben shrugged, saying without words that she was doing fine, she continued. “It sounded like they wanted relatives to watch over him.” When Kendra still looked a little muddled, she added, “Or maybe they’d rather have folks who, um, look more like James. What I mean to say is, um, we’re Amish.”
Through the Plexiglas window, Kendra stared at them, looking momentarily stunned. Then, to Judith’s surprise, she started to chuckle. “I’m sorry,” she said, waving a hand in the air, “but that struck me as funny. I promise, I knew exactly where James was going. When I was a little girl, my school took us on a field trip to an Amish farm.” Her voice turned wistful. “It was so peaceful there. In the country. You could see for miles, and everything was so green. There was lots of room for a child to run and play. Is that what it’s like where you live?”
“Yes.” Judith had never thought about looking at her hometown through another person’s eyes, but Kendra’s description seemed fitting. Sugarcreek was a peaceful place. “It’s a mighty nice place for kinner. To be sure.”
“That’s what I thought. I also remember the people we met. They were quiet and polite. Everything around them seemed so calm. Happy. But the most important thing I remembered was everyone’s faith. One Amish lady said she lived by her faith every hour of every day. When I heard that, I knew I wanted to go back one day.”
Excited that they had something in common, Judith leaned forward. “Did you go back again? What town was it? Was it Sugarcreek?”
Looking regretful, Kendra shook her head. “Nah. I grew up. And for a time, I forgot all about living peacefully. Actually, I started thinking that no one really lived like that. That I must have made it up. Things happened. I hung out with the wrong crowd and then I really made a mistake with the wrong man.” Her voice lowered. “One thing led to another.” She rolled her eyes. “And then another. And now I’m here. I was sentenced to eight to ten years. There’s a chance I might get out earlier, but even so, that won’t even be a possibility for a couple of years.”
“I’m sorry.”
Kendra’s brow rose. Then, miraculously, a small, sad smile lit her features as she stared at James. “Me, too. Seeing my baby so close. It’s hard, you know?”
Feeling on the verge of tears, Judith nodded.
“What do you need me to do for you to keep my boy?”
“Bernie said you’ll have to sign some more papers. These would state that you want James to stay where he is. Would you be willing to do that?”
Hardly taking her eyes off James, Kendra nodded slowly. “Yeah. I’ll do that.”
“Five minutes,” the guard intoned.
It was time. Judith leaned forward, anxious to put as little space between herself and Kendra as possible.
She didn’t care about why Kendra was in jail or that they were so different from each other. No, all she really cared about was comforting the woman who looked so sad and lost that Judith could almost feel her pain.
And right at that moment she finally understood what she was sure her family and Bernie and especially the Lord had been trying to tell her. That everything wasn’t all about her. That it was time to cast aside her selfish wants and start concentrating on other people.
For months now she’d only been thinking about her pain, about how she couldn’t have a baby of her own. She’d been so focused on herself she’d forgotten that she was only one of many people who carried burdens in their hearts.
It had taken a visit to a prison and a small, slight woman to remind her what it really meant to love unselfishly.
With that in mind, Judith looked James’s mother in the eye and poured out her heart. “Kendra, we came here to tell you how much we already love James. I know I’m not his mamm, you are. But I am anxious to continue to keep him for you, if you’ll allow it. I’m not perfect, but I promise you I’ll do the best I can for your baby.”
“I know you will,” she whispered softly. Taking a breath, she darted a wary glance at the female guard looming over them. “Listen, we’re running out of time. But I want to thank you for bringing him here. I’ve been worried sick about my baby. You’ve eased my mind.”
“Bernie told us that we can come once a month. We’ll come back in a month.”
“And I’ll be waiting.”
Judith didn’t want to push, but she was so desperate, she threw all caution to the wind. “So, Bernie can give you the paperwork?”
She nodded. “Tell her that I’ll sign whatever she needs me to. James is in good hands.”
“Time to go,” the guard said.
Kendra stood up. “Thanks for this. You coming here helped a lot,” she said simply before following the guard out of the room.
Her hand shaking, Judith set the receiver down. “This visit wasn’t what I expected,” she whispered as Ben helped her to her feet.
“For me, neither.”
After passing through the same security stations that they had when they entered the penitentiary, they walked outside into the cold air.
The change in temperature woke James up. His chocolate-brown eyes popped open and he squirmed in Ben’s arms. After a moment, he let out a little cry.
“It looks like he’s ready to go home.” Ben laughed. “And I’m more than ready to pass him back to you.”
Judith took James gratefully, not caring that he was fussing and obviously ready to have his diaper changed and to get out of the bright sun.
For her, the sunlight and cold breeze felt rejuvenating. Things were going to be okay. She and Ben were going to be able to continue to watch over James. And now that they’d visited Kendra once, Judith knew she’d be willing to return every month so that Kendra could get to see her baby.
Just as Ben had predicted, Got had taken care of everything. She breathed in deeply, giving thanks for the moment. For the day.
For everything.
It was amazing how much easier it was to go to work when she didn’t feel the whole burden of responsibility weighing her down, Jana reflected as she opened another box of gift items.
Pippa now seemed to have everything under control in the dining room. So much so that Jana had cut back her hours sharply. Today she was only planning to stay at the restaurant long enough to restock and organize the gift area.
When she’d put it in, she’d hoped it would bring in a little extra income, but mainly that it would serve to occupy her customers while they waited for a table.
It had really taken off and had in fact become one of the reasons tourists ate at the restaurant. Before Pippa had come in, it had started to feel like a pain in her neck. It was a lot of work, constantly rearranging and straightening the shelves. Restocking and ordering merchandise.
But now she was thankful to have such a mindless task. Otherwise all she would be doing would be gazing out the window and pacing nervously as she waited for her kids to show up.
She still couldn’t believe that they’d wanted to come to the restaurant first thing.
She’d wanted to fix a light luncheon at home to celebrate their arrival. But each had been fairly vague about when they would arrive. And wonder of wonders—now that they knew the restaurant wasn’t going to be a big part of her life anymore?
They wanted to meet there.
So, she was making herself stay busy while she watched the door and tried to contain her excitement. And tried not to worry about how they were going to like Ross.
Or how Ross was going to like them.
Or how she was going to manage to seem calm, cool, and collected when everyone was in the same room together.
Leaning down, she got out a rag and carefully wiped down a shelf before replacing two boxes of candles on it.
Then she heard the door open.
With a start, she turned around and saw both her eldest and her youngest standing there together, looking wonderful and perfect. “Jay! Nick! You came!”
Their laughter rang as she scrambled to her feet and ran around the counter. One after the other, they launched themself into her arms. And although Nick was a good six inches taller and Jay at least two, she knew nothing had ever felt so wonderful or as familiar. “I’m so happy to see you both!”
Jay smiled. “Mom, look at you! You look great!”
She gave a little bow. “That’s sweet of you to say.”
“No, I mean it. Mom, you look . . . happy.”
Nick hugged her again and kissed the top of her head. “You really do, Mom.”
Not wanting to think about how she’d probably spent far too many years looking unhappy, Jana grinned. “I am happy. I can’t help but notice that you both seem surprised, though.”
Jay shot a telling look her brother’s way. “Well, the way Nick was talking, I thought you might have dyed your hair pink and were running around in spandex.”
“Oh?”
Nick rolled his eyes. “Obviously, Jay is exaggerating.”
Brushing a hand down her brown corduroys and red sweater, Jana said, “As you can see, I’m still wearing my same old outfits. I haven’t ventured into the spandex department yet. Now, come on in! Come meet Pippa! And see the girls in the back.” She looked around, frowning when she didn’t see any suitcases or backpacks. “Where are your things? And where are the others?”
“Melissa and Garrett are coming in together. Nick picked me up from the airport. So, is Ross here?”
“No. He’s at work now. But he said he’d stop by when he got off of his shift.”
Jay’s smile got bigger. “I can’t believe you’re dating a policeman, Mom.”
“Well, we’re just seeing each other a bit. Taking things one day at a time. He’s a nice man, though. I hope you all will like him. . . .”
Nick wrapped an arm around her shoulder. “If you like him, I have a feeling we might like him, too.”
Realizing that Nick had decided to keep an open mind, Jana felt pure relief course through her. Maybe this visit with the kids was going to go all right after all.
For the next hour, she introduced Nick and Jay to Pippa and shared the news about their partnership. Marla and Kirsten waited on them, bringing out soup and rolls, and then slices of pie.
Just as they were finishing their pie, her two other kids entered. Followed by Ross.
After the round of hugs, she bit her lip and plunged in. “Nick, Melissa, Jay, and Garrett, please meet Ross.”
Melissa looked him over and then smiled broadly. “Your boyfriend.”
The kids started giggling, as if they were twelve instead of responsible adults. Shaking hands, they talked to Ross, who visited with each one with ease.
Soon, they’d pushed some more tables together, and Marla brought out more coffee cups and two full pies, one apple and one peanut butter cream.
Before Jana knew it, she was serving pie and carrying on two conversations at the same time. Somehow Ross took the chair beside her. Every so often, his gaze would meet hers and he’d gently smile.
Just as if he met the grown children of women he dated all the time. Except she knew he hadn’t. She knew that he’d hardly dated at all since he’d gotten divorced.
After another hour went by, they all stood up and got ready to drive to her house, Ross promising to join them there for pizza later.
Right after they said good-bye to Pippa and the rest of the girls, Jay sidled up to her and linked her arm through Jana’s elbow. “It’s going to be okay, isn’t it, Mom?”
Looking around at the Sugarcreek Inn, which was not quite “her” restaurant anymore . . . watching her other children standing out by their cars, talking a mile a minute. And seeing Melissa hug Ross good-bye before he joined them later, Jana nodded.
“It is,” she said, with only a bit of wonder in her voice. “I think everything is going to be just fine, after all.”
chapter twenty-two
There was fear, and then there was fear of ice.
Christina darted a hesitant glance at the snow-covered pond, now looming in front of them. The small pond suddenly looked as big as one of the Great Lakes and twice as dangerous.
With effort, she tamped down the fresh burst of apprehension that gripped her like a vise. The last thing she wanted was for Aden to guess just how petrified she actually was.
But he’d already noticed.
Concern clouded his eyes as he gazed at her so intently she feared he could read her mind. “We don’t have to do this, you know,” he murmured. “I won’t think any less of you if we turn around.”
“I know.” And she did know it. But instead of easing her mind, it actually made her feel worse. If it had only been a matter of being been afraid to disappoint him—if that were her only fear—she would gladly use that as her excuse to turn around.
But she wasn’t worried about Aden’s opinion at the moment.
During their walk from the house to the pond she’d stopped thinking of ice-skating as a way to keep Aden by her side for a little longer. Instead, she’d started realizing that she needed to do this for herself.
For ten years, she’d suffered through nightmares and insomnia. She’d avoided water and dreaded the winter. Over time her accident had taken on gigantic proportions. She’d stopped seeing herself as a twelve-year-old who’d had an accident to someone who had made a series of bad choices and almost killed herself and Aden with her foolishness.
Worse, instead of admitting that her problems were more than she could handle on her own, she’d kept everything inside and not sought help from her parents or Aden. She’d even been so foolish that she hadn’t even asked the Lord for help.
But all that had done was make things worse.
Now, at long last, she was determined to face her fears. She was never going to be able to move forward in her life if she constantly blocked out the past.
She took a moment to attempt to put her jumbled thoughts in order, wanting to try to get him to understand what she was thinking—even if she didn’t completely understand it all herself. “Aden, I think I do need to do this. Ten years is more than enough time to hold on to an unreasonable fear. Ain’t so?” She’d added the last as a timid attempt to make him smile.
But instead of grinning, Aden remained stoic, staring at her intently. “We all have hang-ups, Christina. We all have fears that don’t always make sense. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
“I’m not ashamed,” she lied.
He winced. “Perhaps that was the wrong thing to say. What I meant was that we all have foibles and fears.”
“Even you?”
“Especially me.”
She yearned to ask him what his fears were, but she couldn’t seem to concentrate on anything but the sight of the pond in front of them.
It loomed in front of her, looking, she supposed, like a beautiful centerpiece in a winter scene. It was still snowing, and the gently falling flakes swirled and danced in the air, finally coming to rest on the pond’s surface.
She knew that later that day children from all around would venture to the pond. Soon the area would be scattered with boots and skates, abandoned coats and mittens. Laughter would ring out, flowing down the valley. Loud enough that she’d be able to hear it from her bedroom.
But now it was just the two of them.
As yet another shudder ran through her, Christina pushed it away. “Let’s go. If we wait any longer, I’m going to chicken out.”
“Christina, I told you, you won’t be chickening out.” Obviously trying to rein in his frustration, he tossed his skates on the ground. “Look. I know you wanting to get on the ice is all my fault. I’m so sorry I ever made you feel like
there was something wrong with you.”
“You didn’t.”
“We both know I did. The other day when we were walking home, I should have steered you clear of this place instead of forcing you to stand so close to the ice. I pushed you too hard and didn’t listen to you like I should have. It was wrong of me. And callous.”
“Aden, you were right.”
Giving no indication that he’d heard her, he continued. “The fact is, I should never have made you do anything you were uncomfortable with. I’m no doctor or preacher or expert on fighting fears. I don’t know what I was thinking. . . .”
“I do. You wanted to help me.” She started walking, ignoring his sound of frustration. “Come on, Aden,” she called out over her shoulder. “As of this morning, I’m done standing still. I’m moving forward.”
Behind her, he sighed. “Lord help us all,” he muttered as he bent down and retrieved his skates. Then, after a brief pause, he started following.
His final acquiescence should have given her a feeling of pleasure. Instead, now that she realized nothing else was holding her back, she felt as if she were free-falling. Rushing toward her fears with the speed of a freight train.
Finally moving forward.
She clung to the phrase with everything she had, repeating it silently in her head, over and over until it became the only thing she could concentrate on. She ignored the snow swirling around them, ignored the cold wind tickling her cheeks. Even ignored Aden’s presence next to her.
All that mattered was that she wasn’t letting her fear control her any longer.
Carefully she rearranged the skates on her shoulder. The white leather skates were Treva’s favorites. She’d saved all winter for them. And to Christina’s embarrassment, she hadn’t even told Treva she was borrowing them.
Continuing, Christina strode across the frozen meadow and ventured up the slight hill that surrounded the frozen pond. She heard Aden’s boots crunch on the snow behind her, his pace measured and steady. She cocked her head, ready to hear him offer advice or even another warning. But he didn’t say a word.
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