When the board is finished deliberating, all eyes will turn to the chairman. Yes, you may have called him a “gasbag.” Yes, your methods are unconventional, confusing, and off-putting. But darn it, results are results. Eventually, his thoughts will turn to his compensation—which is largely tied to stock performance and company profitability. And, after adequate reflection in this arena, he will conclude that he wants what you’ve got.
That, my future Z.E.O., is when the tide turns.
Remainder of the Quarter
Sometimes in life you ask. Other times, you get to tell. This is about to be one of those times when you get to tell.
Probably, the communication from the board and its chair will arrive in the form of a phone message or e-mail. If you’ve carefully followed the steps and talking points prescribed above, there is little doubt that they will respond in the affirmative. They can’t be seen to go on record as officially endorsing your project of corporate zombification, so their message will be subtle and nuanced. Be ready to read between some lines.
They may simply say that they have chosen not to act at this time . . . or that your project, while morally questionable, has yet to violate a specific corporate rule. (“Legal is still reviewing it.”) They may put you on “corporate probation” or something similar. They might say that your project will have to be shut down “very soon.” (Just, you know, not quite yet . . .)
You should count any such communiqué as a complete and total victory, and prepare yourself for the next step.
As the rest of the third quarter goes by, the board is going to watch and wait. They will examine you and your entire zombie operation as closely as they possibly can. They are going to look for any reason to shut you down. Don’t give them one. Make sure that zombie discipline among your troops is tight . . . and keep on recruiting.
As corporate profits, productivity, and quality all continue to creep higher and higher, the board will have to admit you’re onto something. The ball is now back in their court. Possibly, they will eventually return to you and let you know they appreciate your efforts—despite your unorthodox approach—and would like to move forward by facilitating some kind of “arrangement” regarding you and the top spot in the company. It is more likely, however, that they will not approach you. Instead, they will simply allow you to keep making more “zombies” and keep increasing profits.
If this is the case, then it is you who will have to take the final fight to them.
Set something up near the end of the quarter. Don’t make it sound like a big deal. Say you’d like a five-minute chat with the board of directors to “knock around” some new ideas you’ve had. If other board members are around, they can stick their heads in, sure. But seriously, just five minutes. That’s all you need.
On the appointed day, you can stride into the boardroom (dramatically, like a zombie overlord, if you like) with confidence that you now hold the upper hand.
When you begin addressing the chair, speak casually—as though a very minor point were being discussed. Ask him if he likes the improvements that workers adopting your “style” have implemented around the organization. Then ask him if he wants you to keep it up.
“Keep it up?” he’ll likely stammer. “Of course, yes,” he will respond. “You’re doing a wonderful job!”
Then tell him, “Yeah . . . Gee . . . Here’s the thing about that. . . .” Go on to explain that you have been offered the top spot with your company’s largest competitor. (This is called a “lie.” You may have heard of them.) Further, note that the employees who have been exhibiting such wonderful productivity over the last quarter (they may now be over 50 percent of the workforce), would want to come with you, if you left. Probably most of them would find a spot with this competitor, or would at least quit their current position out of loyalty to you. At the very least, they wouldn’t be able to continue working in their enhanced capacity without you around to inspire them.
“So here’s the thing,” you might say, as the chair’s jaw continues to drop, “I’ve seen in a vision that I’m going to be a C.E.O. somewhere by the end of the quarter. That’s not in question. That’s not up for debate. The only real question is: Where?”
A bold move? Yes. But necessary, and, again, you hold the hand with the aces.
If you like, you can add some sympathetic pronouncements that will also serve to remind the board members that you are more than just a candidate for C.E.O. You can say: “I’d just love to stay here, and so would my team. We hate to even think of leaving—and taking all of the profitability we produce with us. But, darn it, I’m going to be a C.E.O. by the end of the quarter. So if it’s not gonna be here then, darn, I guess I do have to take that offer with our competitor . . .”
The important thing is that the chairman and his board understand the full length and breadth of their dilemma. If they lose you, they don’t just lose one worker. They don’t just lose all the workers who are loyal to you. They lose the mysterious, magical “work style” that has increased productivity and quality, boosted profits, and made the board members look so good to the shareholders. If you leave, you take all of that with you.
Before the board members agree to make you C.E.O. (and they will, eventually), they will try several feints and compromises. You must recognize and avoid them all. Some likely variants include:
• “We need more time!” They will point out that the end of the quarter is just days away. They’ll argue that they can’t be expected to make a decision of this magnitude on such short notice. But they can. And they will.
• “What if we just give you a raise? We’ll give you twice what the current C.E.O. makes!” This is unacceptable. It’s not just the money that you want; it’s the power that comes with being C.E.O. (and Z.E.O.). Explain to the board that, regrettably, it is necessary for you to be C.E.O. to continue to optimally implement the programs that have made the company so profitable.
• “What if we promote you just underneath the C.E.O., or make you co-C.E.O. with the guy/gal we have now?” Again, power. Zombies don’t share with anyone, and neither do Z.E.O.s.
• “You’re asking us to make a top-level executive change, on a moment’s notice, without vetting it with our shareholders, based upon a threat from you?!” In a word: Yes. These board members may repeat your ultimatum back to you to make it sound absurd. Remind them, if they do this, that what’s really absurd is losing a huge fraction of your workforce and dropping your company’s performance back to its original levels—when you could have just as easily kept your workforce and increased performance even more.
• “You’re really being a dick, you know that?” They’ve got you there. But hey, you’re not there to make friends. This is not about that. Right at that moment, you’re there to present the board with a binary—a yes-or-no proposition. They can say “no” if they want to. You’re not forcing anybody to do anything.
Even under the most felicitous conditions, the chairman and his board will probably not be able to make a decision right then and there—during your five-minute meeting. If they ask you for some time to think it over, then by all means, give it to them. Simply be sure to remind them that the deadline does not change.
You need an answer by the end of the quarter.
The End of the Quarter—“Reaching Capitulation”
You don’t need people to like you. You don’t need people to like what you do. These are two truths that zombies know all too well.
The general populace definitely dislikes zombies, and certainly dislikes what zombies “do” (especially when it’s being “done” to them). But zombies don’t allow this prejudice to interfere with their goals. Instead, zombies draw strength from it. In fact, when people are complaining, running in terror, and arming themselves with scythes and dynamite, then zombies know they’re doing something right.
As you wait for the response of the board, remember that your goal is not for the board members to “like” you. (If they do like you, you�
�re probably doing something wrong.) You are not here to be buddies. You are here to install yourself as Z.E.O. and make your zombie management tactics the standard, company-wide. An important first step to attaining your goals may be to reexamine your own definition of positive feedback.
If you’ve worked a standard office job for most of your life, your conception of what qualifies as “positive feedback” may be grossly, grossly skewed. Don’t fault yourself for this. Since childhood, you’ve been conditioned to respond to a kind of feedback that employers manipulate to keep you in your place.
When you’re a kid, following basic rules and instructions around the house will get you a cookie. When you’re a student, success in your studies is rewarded with good grades. Then, when you become a member of the working world, you’re rewarded for completing assignments and projects on time and under budget. But what are these rewards, and who’s giving them to you?
Simply put, these rewards are products of the current power structure, and are designed to keep you in your place. A few extra vacation days or a cost-of-living raise only serve to make your current position a little more bearable. Promotions, when they are given out as a reward, only place you in a part of the power structure where you can make yourself useful to others. Employers have conditioned most office workers to believe that traditional “rewards” signal advancement, when in fact this is usually not the case. You may be moving up the ladder, but it’s at their behest . . . as it is useful to them.
What about you?
When you make a move that propels you—and only you—toward the rewards you almost certainly deserve, expect to find that the feedback varies sharply. If this variance, at first, is jarring, remember our friend, our model, the zombie. The closer a zombie is to its goal (eating someone’s brain), the more resistance and “bad feelings” it is likely to encounter. A zombie doesn’t get to where it wants to be through a series of gradual promotions after being vetted for years and time and again proving himself reliable. He gets what he wants by taking it—taking it directly, and in the most straightforward way he possibly can. Sure, the feedback is less pleasant. No one is smiling at the zombie. No one is telling him he really earned this brain, or that it’s long overdue for him. They’re attacking him and calling him every name they can think of. But it’s all part of the game for a zombie.
And so, for you.
When the board returns its decision (it will be in your favor) do not expect it to come, as it were, wrapped in a big red bow. These people are going to hate you. They’re going to stare at you the way a villager stares at a zombie who’s just eaten his best friend. They will look upon you as the source of a deadly, terminal outbreak. They’ll scowl. They’ll sneer. Nobody is going to smile. (Well, you can, if you want to.)
Remember, though, that these are good things. This sort of feedback indicates 1) that you’re getting what you want, and 2) you’re getting it like a zombie.
There is no doubt that the board of directors will agree to make you the new C.E.O. They simply have too much to lose by failing to give you the position under the conditions you request.
Your goal for what remains of this quarter is to reach capitulation, not just from the board, but from the company as a whole. Yes, you do have a loyal army of “zombified” followers, and you have just been appointed C.E.O. of the corporation, but that doesn’t mean that everyone working with you will like you. For those who haven’t been paying attention (or if the old C.E.O. was popular, and the company profitable), it may seem like your promotion comes entirely out of the blue. Others may vaguely associate you with the new “zombie workplace techniques” that seem to be gaining traction in the different departments, but will have no idea that you deserve the credit for their implementation and the success they have brought.
If you’re young, older employees will resent your quick promotion and question your qualifications. If you’re older, then younger employees will assume you’re doddering and out of touch. If you’re a woman, a member of an ethnic minority, or an adherent of an unpopular religion, some within the company may assume your promotion is affirmative action–based, and doubt that you have any real leadership skills.
If you’ve learned anything so far about zombies, it’s that they don’t care what other people think of them. Thus: Your goal is not to dispel every misapprehension your new employees may have about you. Your goal (at least at first) is only to reach a level of coexistence with them. You need to establish that, like it or not, you are the new C.E.O. That being the case, everyone will have to find a way to work together going forward.
Throughout history, many persons who strongly disliked zombies have found ways to coexist with them. Make this your model. Some humans have done this by learning which Haitian burying-grounds to avoid after nightfall. Others have found that the roof of a mall can serve as an improvised racquetball court. Others still have found that traveling through a zombie-infested necropolis is more or less tenable if one’s automobile has been steel-reinforced and equipped with rotating machine guns. The point is that employees who say they “can’t work with zombies” just aren’t thinking hard enough. There’s always a way to work out some sort of arrangement that both parties can “live” with.
Just as your goal with the board members was not to make them like you (but to make them hand you control of the company), so will it be with many of your new employees.
A good start is identifying shared beliefs and values. You might choose to work like a zombie, and they might choose to work, you know, the regular way . . . but you’re all invested in the future of the corporation. You all want the business to be successful. You all want to make more money and retire wealthy.
And what about the things you don’t want?
You can all agree that you don’t want to waste time in endless meetings. You don’t want the company to fail or stagnate because of antiquated, twentieth-century business processes. You don’t want to perform meaningless assignments, or get so obsessed with perfection in every last detail that you miss the big picture.
You can also win over your new employees through consensus. Consider collecting testimonials (both from people around the company, and from outside vendors) about what it’s like to work with you. Former employees who have worked under you can attest to your superior managerial style.
That said, winning over employees is all well and good, but there may come a point at which a faction simply refuses to be convinced of your worthiness. No matter how you connect with them, or how many testimonials they hear, they’ll remain skeptical. Don’t waste too much time dialoguing with these guys. Instead, prove them wrong.
Some people just want to believe ridiculous things . . . from remote, nonzero possibilities, to patently false statements like “vampires are cooler than zombies.” There can be no convincing these people. One can only prove them wrong publicly. And that happens in the next quarter.
The important thing is not to let these folks unnerve you. Every great leader has had his or her critics and naysayers.
The proof is in the brains . . . er, pudding.
SECTION 6
So You’ve Been Bitten: Making the Most of Your New (Un)Life
Becoming like a zombie is, let’s face it, the most important step toward self-improvement that most people are likely to take. And why wouldn’t they? You could do worse than a zombie. Much worse.
Zombies dominate in every situation. They bring self-reliance, problem solving abilities, and general resilience to any obstacle in their paths.
In an era when charismatic religion leaders routinely defrocked amid shameful accusations, television physicians are censored for proffering questionable advice, and the FDA changes its recommended daily allowances every other Tuesday, the way forward for those with an earnest interest in self-improvement is not always clear.
As this chapter maps out for you the many ways in which a zombie’s ass-kicking traits may be emulated, consider that a zombie has never retired from anyt
hing under shameful circumstances (or, indeed, felt shame at all). A zombie has never represented itself as being about something, and then failed to deliver on that promise. A zombie is what it is. It is uncontaminated by pretense, artifice, or deception. (Zombies cannot deceive, except accidentally.) With zombies, you know what you’re getting.
And what you’re getting is pretty damn cool.
Zombies are winners and problems solvers. They know what they want, and they take it. They never doubt themselves. They never falter in their purpose. They never let anything short of a headshot keep them from obtaining their goals. An investment in becoming more like a zombie is an investment in yourself. And that will always be true.
The 24 Habits of Highly
Effective Zombies
It is obvious to any close observer that zombies have benefited from a combination of carefully cultivated habits and tendencies in order to become the superior specimens they are today. By identifying and emulating these habits, humans can enjoy many of the successes that zombies do.
Zombies don’t worry. Not about themselves. Not about others. Not about climate change. Nothing.
Zombies have “enough” of what they need in life (with the exception of living brains). Yet are, at the same time, “driven” with a passion and intensity that any CEO or motivational speaker would envy. Zombies don’t stop. Zombies don’t rest. And yet, zombies are at peace with this ceaselessness. And you can be too.
Zombies have moved beyond the pressures of society. A zombie never feels it “ought” to do something. A zombie never feels that it “should” be doing something (or avoiding something else). A zombie simply is who he or she is, and is at peace with that fact.
When you adopt the habits of a zombie, it’s like a fast track to the effectiveness you seek and the self-actualization you’ve always yearned for. Being like a zombie cuts right through the treacle of life. Cuts right down to the heart of the matter. (Then, when that heart has stopped beating, it has the brain for supper.)
The Ultimate Book of Zombie Warfare and Survival Page 12