by E. M. Abel
Brandon Cain.
I chewed on my bottom lip and clicked Accept. I spent the next few minutes reading the messages on his page. They were mostly from women, telling him how hot he was. He rarely responded, but when he had, he was gracious about it. I’d just opened one of his photo albums when a message popped up in the bottom corner of the screen. It was him.
Brandon: You finally accepted. I was beginning to feel desperate.
I grinned and typed a response.
Penelope: Yeah. It’s been a while since I logged on.
Brandon: Sure.
Penelope: You just saw me yesterday.
Brandon: Did I? It was over so fast that I thought I’d imagined it.
Penelope: Ha-ha.
Brandon: What are you doing now?
Penelope: Drinking coffee and checking emails.
Brandon: Sounds exciting.
Penelope: Very.
Brandon: You want to go to lunch? I’ll pay.
I stared at the screen. I knew I couldn’t, but I wanted to. I wasn’t sure which was worse.
Penelope: I can’t. Sorry.
Brandon: Still scared?
Penelope: No. Still married.
Brandon: It’s just lunch. I promise to behave.
Penelope: I can’t risk it. I have enough drama in my life right now. I don’t want to invite more.
Brandon: You could come to my apartment. I’ll order takeout.
I released my bottom lip and smiled at his determination. He must like a challenge.
Penelope: Maybe another time.
Brandon: Don’t say that unless you mean it.
Do I mean it?
Penelope: I’m honestly not sure if I mean it or not.
Brandon: I think you could use a friend, and I’m willing to be one, if that’s what you need.
I put my elbows on the table and covered my cheeks with my hands as I read those words again. He was right. I could use a friend, but Brandon wasn’t someone I could imagine spilling my guts to. I was too attracted to him.
Penelope: That’s sweet. Thank you.
Brandon: But?
Penelope: Don’t you think it would be kind of awkward…since you’ve made your interest clear?
I felt a little twinge of satisfaction, tossing those words back at him.
Brandon: I’m friends with all the women I’ve slept with.
He added a smiling emoji, and it made me laugh.
I closed my laptop and pulled my feet onto my chair as I gazed out at the bare trees outside. I needed to steer clear of that man. He was only adding another layer to my fucked-up situation. My sober mind was still fighting to reason with the decisions I’d made over the past nine years of my life, and I felt myself craving a distraction.
Not this time.
Picking up my mug, I took a small sip of coffee as it warmed my cold hands. I was at a crossroads, and it was time I chose my path. I could stay with Derek and continue to be financially comfortable but miserable…or I could leave him and do it all on my own. I could finally live the life I’d mapped out for myself long before love had gotten in my way.
Grabbing my phone, I found my sister’s number in my Contacts and stared at it for a few seconds before touching it with my finger and bringing the speaker to my ear. As it began to ring, I felt my heart pounding in my chest, pumping shame and anxiety into my veins.
“Penny?”
I couldn’t help from grinning when I heard my big sister’s voice, but I hadn’t expected the tears that pricked my eyes. “Hey, sis.”
“Oh my God, how are you? I’m so glad you called.”
“I’ve been better. How are you? Is it a bad time?”
I listened to what sounded like shuffling papers.
“No, not at all. I’m just getting ready for work. What’s going on?”
Sitting up, I put my cold feet on the ground and my warm mug on the table. I took a deep breath, trying to release the words that threatened my pride. “Derek cheated on me.”
The silence between us lingered on the line, and I closed my eyes, praying she’d be the solace I needed.
“I’m so sorry, Penny. My God, are you okay?”
I shook my head. “I’m trying to be.”
“That motherfucker.”
“I just…I just feel so alone, you know?”
I bit my bottom lip as it began to tremble, and she sighed.
“I know, sweetie. I can’t imagine what you must be going through.”
I opened my eyes as I rubbed the pad of my thumb along the edge of my coffee mug.
“What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know. I feel so lost.”
“Do you want to come out here? You know you’re always welcome to stay with me.”
“Thanks, but I’ll be okay,” I muttered, looking back out at the trees. “I guess I just needed to hear your voice. I needed to talk to someone who knows me…who knew the old me. I need help finding her again.”
“You know I love you, Penny. Whatever you need from me, I’m here.”
As far as I knew, Liz had never really been in love. I always assumed she wouldn’t understand my problems. Her judgment had never been clouded by emotion.
“Do you ever get lonely?” I asked as a tear slid down my cheek.
“All the time,” she confessed, her voice lowering. “But I’d rather be alone with myself than lost with someone else.”
I closed my eyes, her words resonating inside me.
“It’s never too late, you know. It might feel that way at times, but it’s not. You’ve always been strong, Penny. That hasn’t changed.”
Sighing, I opened my eyes and stared at the burns I’d left on my table. “I’m not so sure about that.”
“I am.”
“Yeah, well, you haven’t seen me in a while.”
She was quiet for a moment before she asked, “Are you going to stay with him?”
“No, I don’t think I can.”
“Then, leave. I’ll send you money if you need it.” I opened my mouth to protest, but she didn’t give me a chance. “I’m not taking no for an answer, Penny. If you’re serious about leaving, I want to help you. You can pay me back when you get on your feet. Go to the bank, and open your own account. I’ll have money waiting for you at Western Union. You can do this.”
I sat there, deep in indecision, as the possibility of freedom ignited inside me. “You don’t have to—”
“I know. I want to. You’re beating yourself up for the choices you made in the past, but there’s no way you could have known, Penny. I don’t blame you for taking a chance on love. Sometimes, I wonder if I would have been happier if I’d done the same…but what’s done is done. Regret won’t get you anywhere. You’ve got to pick yourself up and do what’s best for you now. I’m proud of you, little sister. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
“Now, go.”
“Okay.” My hand trembled as I hung up the phone.
I had a way out.
Now, I just had to find the courage to leave.
I sat at our dining room table, waiting for Derek. He had left work hours ago. I knew because I’d called to check. The clock on our wall was taunting me, the minute hand like a knife slowly cutting a hole into my chest.
11:22…
11:23…
11:24…
I refused to call him. He knew I’d be worried. He knew I’d be here, waiting. I was always waiting.
As much as I’d tried to deny it, I knew something wasn’t right. Derek hadn’t touched me in weeks. Every time I’d looked at him, I couldn’t meet his eyes, and he never asked me to.
The hardest part was the shame in knowing that I wasn’t enough for him. I’d tried so hard to be the type of woman he wanted, but deep down, I knew I wasn’t. I couldn’t even give him a family.
He didn’t love me enough to fight for me or beside me. He didn’t even fight with me anymore.
I heard the familiar rumble of his
motorcycle as it approached our house, and I squeezed my eyes shut, willing myself to be strong.
When the door opened, I watched from my seat as Derek walked into our kitchen with a grin playing on the corners of his lips. He put his helmet down on the counter and tossed his keys down beside it. He looked so…happy.
When he lifted his head, our eyes met. The joy leaked from his expression, and his breath halted in his chest. In those few seconds, I saw the guilt. I saw the truth.
And then it was gone.
“Oh, hey,” he said, his mouth curving into a tight smile. “Sorry, I got caught up with the guys. We went out for a few beers. You didn’t have to wait for me.”
I glanced down at my hands as they gripped each other in my lap. “I know, but I did.”
“Next, please.”
I was brought out of my memory as the bank teller waved me toward her. I blinked and walked forward with an envelope full of cash.
“I’d like to open a new checking account, please,” I murmured as I handed her my ID.
“Of course, Mrs. Baylor.”
After a few minutes, I’d deposited the thousand dollars Liz had sent me into my new account, and the weight I’d been carrying slowly began to dissipate. Derek no longer held any power over me.
No more waiting.
A pair of dirty Chuck Taylors, a stack of punk CDs, and old diaries were all buried in an old box hidden in the back of my closet. I might as well have packed myself in there, too. I’d changed who I was for Derek, and it wasn’t until the moment I opened that box that I realized I’d forgotten her.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered as I ran my hand over one of my old T-shirts. “I’ll never do it again. I promise.”
Hope’s familiar spark began to ignite inside me, and this time, I let it.
I spent the rest of the afternoon packing as much stuff as I could into the trunk of my car, each item empowering me and my determination. There was a twinge of fear lingering in my chest, but I refused to acknowledge it until I was gone.
I still had to talk to Derek. I had to tell him it was over. We were over. I knew the hardest part was yet to come.
I was sitting on the couch when he opened the door and dropped his helmet and keys on the kitchen counter. I concentrated on the ticking clock as he made his way inside, his boots moving in step with the heavy beat of my heart.
“Can we talk?” I asked, turning to peer at him over my shoulder.
He rubbed his hands over his head and heaved an exasperated sigh, likely expecting another fight. “It’s been a rough day, Penny. I don’t have the energy to—”
“It’s important,” I muttered, turning back to face the blank television screen in front of me.
I stared at my reflection encased in that black box until I saw his in it, too. He sat down beside me, resting his elbows on his knees. He smelled like oil and deceit.
“What’s up?”
After taking a deep breath, I slowly let it out and turned to face him. “I’m leaving.”
His eyes narrowed, and he glanced down at my hands as I wrung them in my lap. “What?”
I held his eyes as I forced my body to relax, releasing my grip and letting my palms rest on my legs. I rubbed them over my jeans and tried again. “I’m moving out.”
Derek sighed and leaned against the couch cushions. Tilting his head back, he pinched the bridge of his nose. I watched him in silence for a few seconds, but I was done waiting.
“We both know this isn’t going to work, Derek. Things were falling apart long before you slept with someone else.”
“Where are you going?” he asked, dropping his hand and staring at the ceiling.
“I don’t know yet. I just know I have to go.”
Derek lifted his head to look at me as anger and disbelief battled in his eyes. I refused to turn away.
“You’re not thinking clearly, Penny. If you walk out that door, don’t expect me to just take you back when you change your mind.”
I gnashed my teeth and closed my eyes. He wasn’t going to bait me into another fight. Rising to my feet, I peered down at Derek. I took a moment to forget what he’d done, and instead, I remembered whom he’d been. His hazel eyes were on mine as I gazed at the lips that had kissed me so many times, the same lips that had told me they loved me.
“Good-bye, Derek.”
I stared at the door as my feet moved toward it.
Tick-tock.
The clock provided a steady rhythm for my heart to follow.
Derek’s silence filled the house as my footsteps echoed against the walls that had caged me in for too long.
Grabbing the doorknob, I turned it and pulled. The fresh air floated against my skin as I walked outside and let go.
I’d loved and I’d lost, but I wasn’t lost anymore.
I stared at the rain-coated street as the wind blew my tangled hair from my face, the reflection from the streetlights offering a shiny path for my bicycle to follow. Water splashing behind my tires was the only sound echoing through the air around me.
I focused on the half-moon luminescent in the depths of the night sky.
Just months ago, the darkness had threatened to swallow me whole but not anymore. Six months had passed since I’d walked out on my marriage, on Derek.
And for the first time in years, I felt free.
Straightening my back, I slid my hands toward me and held on to the handlebars with the tips of my fingers. My heart beat wildly in my chest as I lifted my face to the stars. When I released my grip, a smile erupted on my lips, and I spread my arms wide.
I was still smiling as I pulled my bike up to the old water tower on the edge of town. When I had been with Derek, I’d often fantasized about climbing to the top and watching the planes take off from the flight line on base. I had known Derek wouldn’t go with me, and I was always too scared to go alone.
But not tonight.
Propping my bike up against a tree, I walked up to the old chain-link fence around the water tower and found a chain and padlock on the gate. I thought back to high school and all the times Liz and I had skipped school. We’d always crawled through a hole in the fence surrounding the school grounds.
A wave of excitement and anticipation washed over me as I searched the area, looking for a way in. I could climb over the fence, but someone might see me from the street. My fingers gripping on to the links of the fence, I took a second to look around. Maybe if I went to the other side, no one would see me. As I put my weight on the gate, I realized there was enough slack in the chain for me to squeeze through the opening. Pushing harder against it, I squatted down and stuck my head in before slipping my shoulder in and wiggling the rest of my body through.
Adrenaline kick-started my heart as I ran toward the rusty old ladder leading to the top. I wrapped my fingers around the rung in front of me. Before I had a chance to back out, I put my foot on one and started climbing.
Don’t look down. Don’t look down, I chanted in my head as I kept moving.
Grab and step, grab and step.
Before long, I reached the tops of the trees. I paused to take a deep breath, and I couldn’t help but glance down.
“Oh my God, what am I doing?” I whispered as I tightened my grip.
My excitement turned into fear as I began to think about the fall and how painful it would be.
I closed my eyes. “You can do this. Don’t look down. Just keep moving.”
And I did. My hands were sore, and my legs were shaking, but I didn’t give up. I didn’t let my fear win.
As a teen, I would have climbed this water tower without a care in the world. I would have loved the risk, the danger, and the chance to defy doubt. I wanted to be that girl again.
When I finally reached the small ledge surrounding the tank, I carefully climbed on, testing the stability with my hands before putting my full weight on it. I slowly stood and walked toward the airstrip, my sweaty left hand tightly holding on to the rusty railing.
&nbs
p; Once I found the perfect view, I sat down with my legs stretched out in front of me. I took a cleansing deep breath and grinned as I pressed my back against the cool steel behind me, and a Harrier took off. I watched until it was just a speck of light moving in the sky. It was crazy how small I felt with the entire world and endless stars sprawled out in front of me.
I also felt incredibly alone.
I sat, watching the stars, and listened to the crickets chirping while I thought about my marriage to Derek. Time had given me a whole new perspective, and although I was still angry with him for what he’d done, deep down, I had known our end was inevitable. He’d been unfaithful, but we were both responsible for our failed relationship. I’d married Derek, hoping his love would make me worthy but never once asking myself if he was worthy of mine.
The day I’d left Derek, I’d stopped taking pills, smoking, and drinking. I guessed I’d grown tired of all my bad habits. That also meant I hadn’t had a reason to see Brandon anymore. He still crossed my mind from time to time, more times than I’d like to admit. Sometimes, I’d fantasize about going to his apartment and having wild, passionate sex with him.
A man hadn’t touched me in six months, and I was beginning to feel desperate, but I was also determined and focused on getting my life back. Besides, after my relationship with Derek, I wasn’t exactly jumping at the chance to get hurt all over again.
No, my fantasies of Brandon were just an escape. He had become my drug, providing me some sort of release from the mundane life I’d been living these past few months.
Once the drama of my life had begun to fade and reality had sunk in, I realized I was starting all over again, and there was still a lot of work to do.
As I wrapped the chain around my bike, locking it to the small rack by my apartment building, I glanced down the street, following the sound of laughter. A woman in high heels and a short dress had her head thrown back, as she laughed with the man beside her.
Brandon.
I couldn’t help but chuckle at the coincidence. Fate had an evil sense of humor.
He had his tattooed arm draped over her bare shoulders as he smiled and took a drag from his cigarette. I lowered my head, snapping the lock shut, before sneaking another look. I watched in envy as the woman took his hand in hers and led him up the front stairs of the building just a few stoops from mine. They disappeared into the threshold, and I released the air I’d been holding from my lungs.