by E. M. Abel
“No, we weren’t together when it happened. I don’t fuck with pills. I don’t fuck with alcohol either. I don’t do anything but this,” he said, offering the joint to me.
I declined.
“Oh. I thought you might have sold…” I paused, not wanting to offend him, especially since he’d just told me pills had killed his friend.
“I’ve killed enough people in my lifetime. I don’t need anyone else’s blood on my hands.”
I wasn’t really sure what to say after that, so I just watched him take a slow pull from the joint instead.
“I’ve killed enough people in my lifetime.”
That comment should have made me wary of him, but it didn’t. I had a good idea what kind of demons he was fighting. I’d lived around Marines for years. A lot of them carried the weight of the things they’d seen and done for our country.
“I cared about Destiny, but if I’m being completely honest, we were only using each other. I’ve never really been good at sharing feelings.”
“Well, now you tell me,” I said, smiling.
“What?”
“Maybe you should have said something before I told you about my failed marriage and spilled my guts all over your shiny floor. I might have saved myself some embarrassment.”
“Were you embarrassed?”
“Uh, yeah. No one likes to admit their weaknesses, especially to someone they hardly know.”
“I didn’t see any weaknesses,” he said, stretching his arm on the back of his couch, his hand landing right next to my shoulder.
Tucking my hair behind my ear, I asked, “What did you see?”
The air between us thickened as his eyes searched my face. “I saw honesty. I saw you.”
I lowered my gaze. The weight of his stare was too heavy for me to hold. It was disarming and empowering all at once.
Leaning forward, Brandon reached out and curled his finger under my chin, bringing my eyes back to his. We didn’t speak. We just stared at each other. My lips parted as my lungs struggled to keep up with my crazy heart, and he watched. His hand moved to my jaw and slid into my hair, and just like that, the spell was broken.
I blinked.
I can’t. I can’t do this again.
His touch slipped from my skin as I stood up, and he continued to watch. His hand hung in the air for a second before he finally let it rest in his lap.
“I have to go. I’m sorry. I have to go.”
Turning around, I grabbed my purse off the floor and nearly jogged toward the door. My heart was racing. My eyes were burning. I really was crazy.
Brandon didn’t say anything as I walked out of his apartment and left him sitting alone on his couch.
I barely remembered my feet racing down the steps or the heat outside as I ran down his street. I only remembered the fear.
I can’t do this again. I can’t do it again.
No matter how much I’d tried to be that courageous girl, I was beginning to realize it was impossible. I was someone else now. My heart was still frozen.
By the time I arrived at the diner to collect my bike, I was covered in sweat and completely mortified. I’d run out of Brandon’s apartment in a panic over an almost kiss. It wasn’t like he had been asking me to marry him.
My God, Penelope. What is wrong with you?
I wondered if I would have been as scared if it were anyone else. Brandon was just so…mesmerizing. He made me feel too much, and I barely even knew him.
Climbing onto my bike, I rode the last mile home with thoughts of Brandon swirling in my head. He had grown up in foster care, experienced war, and lost a friend to drugs, and despite it all, he seemed to lead such a carefree life. He seemed so open to the world and what it had to offer. And, here I was, running from him because another man had broken my heart.
When I turned onto my street, I stopped peddling while my bike slowly brought me closer to my building…and Derek. He was still sitting on my front stoop, waiting for me.
“You can’t be serious,” I muttered under my breath as I got off my bike and walked it the last few yards.
Derek watched me without speaking.
I chained my bike to the rack on the sidewalk, and after locking it, I straightened my back to face him. “What do you want, Derek?”
“It’s nice to see you, too, Penny. I’m good. Thanks for asking,” he said, obviously offended by my tone.
“This would be a lot easier on both of us if you just left me alone, Derek. Now, what do you want?”
“I want to talk without you hanging up on me. I want us to actually have an adult conversation where we’re both sober and rational about all of this.”
I threw my arms out at my sides. “Fine. What do you want to talk about?”
“Can we go inside, please? I’ve been sitting out here for hours.”
“No. We can sit right here, or we can go get a coffee or something, but if we’re going to talk, it needs to be in public.”
“Why?”
“Because when we’re alone, we always end up screaming at each other, and nothing gets resolved. Isn’t that what you’re trying to avoid?”
He shook his head but conceded. “Fine.”
I moved toward him. Derek scooted over, and I sat beside him on the steps. I put my feet on the step below me and wrapped my arms around my knees.
He took an audible breath. “I miss you, Penny.”
I faced him and could almost see him swallowing his pride as he waited for my response. My knee-jerk reaction was to be angry, but we needed to talk about this once and for all. I needed him to know I was done.
“I don’t think it’s me you miss. I think it’s the life we used to have. We were miserable those last couple of years, Derek.”
“I wasn’t miserable.”
I cut my eyes at him, and he looked out at the street.
“I mean, we had our problems, but…”
“We just don’t want the same things. You want a housewife. You want someone to take care of you, someone to stay home and have your babies, and I hope you find that one day, Derek. I really do…but I’m clearly not that person.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want my life back. I want to do something with myself, something I can be proud of.”
“I had no idea I made you so unhappy,” he said, peering over at me.
“I wasn’t always unhappy, Derek. You know that. That’s been the hardest part for me, remembering what we used to have, but it isn’t enough anymore. Somewhere along the way, your life kept moving forward while mine stopped moving altogether.”
“But these are all things we can work on, Penny. I mean, if you want to have a career, have one. Maybe we could adopt a baby.”
I shook my head and sighed as I tried to control my frustration. He still didn’t get it.
“We were so young when we first met, Derek. I was, what? Twenty? We were kids.” I dropped my head, and my eyes lingered on the concrete beneath us as I remembered the butterflies. “God, I loved you though. I loved you so much. That’s why all of this is so painful. You betrayed me. After everything we’d been through, everything I’d sacrificed, you still broke my heart.”
“I made a mistake, Penny. I’m not perfect. It doesn’t mean you have to pack up and leave the second I mess up.”
I couldn’t help scoffing as I rolled my eyes up to the sky. My patience was running out. “This isn’t just about that one mistake, Derek. Don’t you get it? You never really saw me. I still don’t think you see me. I’m just the person you chose to fill the position as your wife.”
“How can you say that?” he snapped angrily.
“Because you never cared to ask me what I wanted out of life. You abandoned me. I was torn up about not getting pregnant—which I was doing for you, by the way. I don’t even know if I want kids! Do you understand what that did to me? I had one job to do, give you a family, and I couldn’t even do that! I spent our entire marriage trying to prove to you and to mys
elf that I belonged with you. Do you know how much that hurt? Did you notice? Did you even care? No! You went out and fucked someone else!” By the time I had finished that last sentence, I was standing up and yelling at him.
“I did everything for you! I cooked! I cleaned! I was the perfect little wife!” I laughed sarcastically. “I even tried to look pretty for you every time you came home from work. I know I wasn’t perfect, Derek, especially in those last few months, but I was depressed. I did nothing to deserve that. Nothing! I gave up—”
“Everything for me! I know! You told me every fucking day, Penny. My wife gave up everything to be with me. She sacrificed her dreams to make me happy. No fucking pressure there, right? I’m the bad guy, right? Because I asked you to spend your life with me!” Derek shook his head and clenched his jaw as he looked down the street, avoiding my stare.
I’d always assumed that nothing I’d said had ever sunk in with Derek. He used to act like my problems were less important than his. I hadn’t even been sure he’d listened to me, but apparently, he had, and I’d spent most of our marriage making him feel like shit. It didn’t excuse his actions, but it definitely opened my eyes to my responsibility in all of it.
“I never asked you to do those things, Penny. I never asked you to pretend to be something you weren’t.”
Taking a deep breath, I sat back down beside Derek and rested my elbows on my knees as a car drove by. “I know, but that’s who you fell in love with. You fell in love with the woman who always put you first.”
Derek turned to look at me, and I stared at his hazel eyes until my vision was full of tears. I blinked, releasing them, and he reached over, wiping them from my cheeks.
“I fell in love with you, Penny. You are the woman I want.”
“If that were true, we wouldn’t be here right now.”
I stared absentmindedly at the coffee mug in front of me as I filled it for my last table. It was almost eleven, and the diner would be closing soon.
After my talk with Derek, I felt like I was finally getting some closure. I was still curious about the other woman though. I wanted to know who Derek had risked our marriage to be with. I wondered who she was, what she looked like, if he was still seeing her as he called and begged me to take him back. I had a feeling he was. Derek wasn’t the type to spend his nights alone. I had a gut feeling it was the female officer he’d flirted with at his Colonel’s house, but I had no proof, and deep down, I knew it didn’t matter. We were over.
After serving the coffee, I wiped down a few tables as Nancy finished up the last of her side work.
She smiled when she saw me walking toward her. “How’d you do today?” she asked as she pulled her tips out of her apron.
“Pretty good, I guess.”
“It was kind of a slow night, wasn’t it?”
“Yeah,” I said as I checked my apron. My stack of tips was looking small.
“You know, I love having you here. It’s always nice, having someone who knows how to work hard and doesn’t complain, but,” leaning in, Nancy whispered, “you could make so much more money working at a bar.”
I laughed just as my customers began to leave.
“Tip is on the table,” the old man told me.
“Thank you! Have a great night,” I said, waving at him and his wife as they walked out the door.
“See? Look at that smile and that body,” she said, waving her hand toward my breasts. “You could make a fortune. You do know where you live, right? This place is chock-full of horny young Marines with money to burn.”
“Nancy, I had no idea you were such a hustler,” I said, smiling, as I untied the apron from my waist.
“Well, it’s true. If you want to save money for school, that’s the way to do it.”
I thought of Brandon and his fancy apartment. Maybe Nancy was onto something, but I’d never tended bar before, and I’d felt like a grandma the last time I’d gone to one.
“I don’t know. I think I’m a little too old for that scene.”
Nancy looked at me like I’d grown a second head. “What?”
Laughing at her expression, I told her, “Don’t look at me like that. When was the last time you went out to those bars? Those guys look like babies.”
“I’m not telling you to sleep with them, sweetheart. But if you think those guys wouldn’t be attracted to you, you’re delusional. I saw the way Brandon was looking at you yesterday.”
I stopped folding my apron, and Nancy gave me a knowing smile.
“How do you know Brandon?”
“Are you kidding? A man looks like that, and you make it your business to find out who he is.”
I laughed as I finished packing up my stuff.
“He’s a model, you know? He doesn’t even need to work at that bar, but I guess he enjoys it. I bet he could get you a job there.”
“Yeah, maybe,” I muttered as I pulled my purse strap over my head.
“Just think about it!” she shouted after me as I walked toward the front door.
“I will. Good night, Nancy.”
“Good night!”
I laughed to myself as I walked toward my bike and unlocked it. Maybe I could be a bartender. I could work nights while still going to school.
Just as I was getting on my bike, my phone started ringing in my purse. It was Tiffany.
“Hey!”
“Hey,” she muttered, sounding miserable.
“What’s wrong? Is everything okay?”
“No, not really.” She sniffed. “Is it okay if I come over to your place?”
“Yeah, sure. Are you all right? Do you need me to come pick you up?”
“No. I’m already here. I’m waiting out front.”
“Oh. Okay. I’ll be there soon.”
Dropping my phone back in my bag, I got on my bike and rode it home. I figured Tiffany must have gotten into a fight with Brian again. When I arrived at my building, she was sitting on the front steps, waiting for me. Her eyes and nose were red from crying.
“Are you okay? What happened?” I asked her as I climbed off my bike and locked it up.
She shook her head, fighting more tears. I’d never seen Tiffany like this. She was always so cheerful and outspoken. I was worried about her.
Walking over to the stairs, I sat down beside her and wrapped my arm around her. She rested her forehead on my shoulder and started sobbing.
“Oh, Tiffany. What happened? What’s going on?”
“I…just…me and Brian…”
She was crying too hard to finish, so I helped her stand up, and then I brought her into my apartment. She sat down at my dining room table, and I went to get her some water and tissues.
“Thanks,” she murmured as I handed them to her.
I took a seat next to her and rubbed her back. She’d tell me when she was ready.
“You want a Coke or something? I think I have a few in the fridge.”
She shook her head and started sobbing all over again. “No, thanks,” she muttered before blowing her nose into the tissue.
“What’s wrong?”
“I don’t really want to talk about it. Can I just…can I stay here tonight?” she asked, her swollen eyes meeting mine.
“Yeah, of course. Come on.” I stood up and went to the bathroom to turn on the shower.
Tiffany followed.
“Take a nice hot shower. I’ll make you some tea, and we’ll listen to music. Or not. Whatever you want, okay?”
Tiffany nodded and pulled her shirt over her head before dropping it to the floor. “Thank you,” she muttered.
“Hey, it’ll all be okay,” I assured her as I touched her shoulder. “I’ll get you a change of clothes and a towel.”
I began to walk out of the bathroom when Tiffany called my name. I paused and turned to face her. She looked so defeated, and my heart broke for her.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“Don’t be sorry. That’s what friends are for.”
; Tiffany didn’t speak much after her shower. She got dressed in my clothes and drank the tea I’d made for her. I offered to let her sleep with me on my air mattress since I didn’t have any other furniture.
A few minutes later, she fell asleep, and I lay next to her, staring at my ceiling.
I couldn’t help but think of all the times I’d confided in her about Derek. She always asked me questions and offered her advice, but she rarely told me anything about her and Brian anymore. I was worried about her and wished she’d open up to me. I knew what it was like to be heartbroken, and I just wanted to be there for her.
When I woke up to my alarm the next morning, Tiffany was already gone. She’d left my clothes and a note, apologizing for the night before.
I had the breakfast and lunch shifts at the diner, so I had to get ready for work. I just hoped she’d be okay. I decided I’d check on her tomorrow if I hadn’t heard anything.
When I walked into work, Rick was sitting at the counter, drinking coffee and reading the paper, while Lindsay stood by the register, tying on her apron.
“Good morning,” I said to them as I went to put my purse away.
Rick grunted.
Lindsay smiled. “Morning.”
Lindsay was eighteen. She’d just graduated from high school, and she was working at the diner for the summer before heading off to college in the fall.
I sighed and poured myself a cup of coffee.
“Rough night?” she asked.
“Yeah, you could say that.”
“Well, hopefully, the customers will be easy on us today.”
Lindsay got her wish. By noon, we’d only had six tables. Rick sent Lindsay home, and I stayed on until three when Nancy came in. She gave me a pointed look when I pulled out the small wad of tips I’d collected, but she didn’t say anything since Rick was out in the dining room, reading the paper again.
Once I packed up my stuff, I started to leave.
Nancy called out behind me, “Go see Brandon tonight!”
I smiled over my shoulder and shook my head as I walked out. “Good-bye, Nancy.”
I thought about Brandon as I rode my bike home. I wondered if he was mad at me for the way I’d run out on him. He didn’t seem like the type to take things personally. But how can he not? He’d started to kiss me, and I’d run. Maybe he hadn’t given it a second thought. There were plenty of women who would be more than willing to kiss him. Why would he bother with me?