by E. M. Abel
“You know who, Derek.”
I glared at him, and the confusion on his face turned into worry as he realized why I was there.
“I don’t know who—”
Before he could finish, I pushed open the door and walked inside.
“Penelope, what are you doing?”
I barely heard him as I spotted Tiffany sitting at his dining room table with a shocked look on her face. She opened her mouth to say something, but I didn’t let her.
“You fucking backstabbing cunt!” I shouted, stalking toward her.
Derek stopped me by wrapping his arms around my shoulders and pulling me back. Tiffany stood up, her hand going to her stomach, and that only pissed me off more. I pushed at Derek’s arms, seething, as I tried to get to her, to knock that smug fucking grin off of her lying treacherous lips.
“Fucking let me go, Derek! Let me go!” I shouted as I fought to get out of his grip.
“Just calm down first, Penny. You can’t touch her, okay? She’s pregnant.”
I let out a sarcastic laugh as I kept struggling in his arms. “I’m not going to touch that nasty bitch. Just let go!”
Derek released me, and I glared at Tiffany. Her eyes were narrowed, but I could see the fear lingering inside of them. She knew I was about to tell Derek everything.
Spinning around, I looked up into Derek’s eyes and asked, “Are you sure the baby is yours?”
Derek’s eyebrows furrowed, and he turned to look at Tiffany, who had started crying and shaking her head.
Fake bitch.
“What are you talking about, Penelope? I don’t even understand why you’re here. How did you—”
“She was my friend!” I shouted, pointing at Tiffany, as I stared hard at Derek. “She and I have been friends for months! Long before I even left you.”
I shook my head and sneered at her as I remembered everything. “She thought it would be a good idea to keep our friendship a secret. Isn’t that right, Tiffany?”
I turned to face Derek again, and I saw him watching her as she kept crying. “She would come hang out with me at the house when you were working. I got my weed from her! She told me I should leave you. God, the things I told her, Derek,” I said, taking a step back and raking my hands through my hair, as I realized just how much she’d betrayed me.
“I told her how I couldn’t get pregnant, how I found out about you having an affair. I told her how much I loved you and how it tore my heart out when I’d heard you on the phone that night. And it was her the whole time. You were fucking her the whole time!”
“Penelope, calm down, please,” he said, taking a step toward me.
“No, I can’t, Derek. This is fucking crazy. You realize that, right? She’s fucking nuts! She was playing us both, and now, you think she’s having your baby?”
Looking over at Tiffany, I said, “I was worried about her. I actually drove to her house to check on her because she hadn’t been answering my texts.”
Tiffany gasped for air as tears continued rolling down her cheeks. I didn’t believe a single one.
Derek rubbed his hands over his short hair and sighed. “Penelope.”
I took another step back, the truth hitting me like a blow to the stomach. This whole time, he’s been begging me to come back. He’s just as bad as she is.
“No, Derek. This is your life. You do what you want.”
Turning to look at Tiffany, I told her, “You know he’s been begging me to take him back? Of course you do. I’ve been telling you everything.” I noticed her jaw tighten, and it only spurred me on. “Is that why you got pregnant? To keep him?”
Facing Derek, I said, “You know what?” I held my hands up. “I don’t even know why I’m here. You guys deserve each other.”
There was so much betrayal in that room that it was suffocating. I couldn’t get away from them fast enough.
I found myself standing at Brandon’s door, looking for an escape. I couldn’t go home, and I couldn’t be alone. I needed to forget my pain, if only for a little while. Reaching up, I knocked lightly and waited, praying he would be alone.
Brandon opened the door, wearing nothing but his jeans, and when he looked at me, his eyes hardened. “What’s wrong?”
I shook my head and looked down the hall, trying to hide the tears threatening to spill over.
“Come in,” he said, taking a step back so that I could walk inside.
His apartment was quiet, and I saw an open book on the couch where he usually sat. The setting sun shone through his windows, casting deep shadows around the room.
Before he had a chance to ask any more questions, I turned around to face him, and I kissed his chest. He ran his fingers through my hair, his heavy heart beating against his skin. He didn’t say anything as he pulled my head back and studied my face. I knew he could see the pain in my eyes, but he didn’t question it.
Leaning down, he pressed his lips to mine, and I moved closer, needing more. His hands slid down my back as I wrapped mine around his neck. Our kiss grew more heated as his fingers dug into my skin, and I sank my teeth into his bottom lip.
Picking me up, Brandon carried me to his room where he tossed me onto the bed and pushed his pants down. I quickly undressed, tossing my clothes to the floor, as he put on a condom and climbed on top of me.
He settled himself between my legs, and I raked my nails down his back as his erection pressed hard against me. We stared at each other while he pushed himself inside, our eyes glazing over with the overwhelming feeling of our connection. He looked down to watch as he pulled out and thrust himself back inside. I could feel him detaching himself, separating what we were doing from what we were feeling.
Reaching out my hand, I urged him to look at me, and I stared into his eyes when I said, “I need it to mean something, Brandon. Please? Just this once, let it mean something.”
Brandon’s eyes darkened and stayed on mine. He buried himself deeper inside me. My lips parted as I started panting, and warm tears rolled out of my eyes and onto his pillow. I could see him struggling to give me what I needed, trying to pretend.
I just wanted someone to want me, to miss me when I was gone. I wanted love. It was all I’d ever wanted.
I could see the trepidation in Brandon’s stare as he watched me breaking beneath him, begging him to heal me. I closed my eyes and covered my face, a sob breaking free from my lungs. Something was dying inside of me, something I knew I’d never get back.
I felt Brandon pull back, separating us, and I opened my eyes. He sat back on his heels, watching me, as I struggled to compose myself.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…”
I couldn’t face him. I was using Brandon, trying to fill the hole that love’s absence had left in my heart.
I got up and pulled on my clothes as fast as I could. Tears still streaming down my face, I gasped for air. I was a horrible person. Brandon didn’t deserve this. He’d done nothing wrong.
“I can’t do this, Brandon. I’m s-so sorry.” I paused as my breath hitched, and I struggled to talk. “You don’t need this.”
Brandon didn’t move. He just sat on his bed, his head hanging, as he listened to me crying and trying to apologize. Once I was dressed, I stood there for a second, staring at his back, hoping I hadn’t ruined everything.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I know you didn’t want this…” I murmured as I tried to wipe the tears from my eyes.
When Brandon still didn’t respond, I knew he was done. His silence was ripping out the last ounce of hope I’d had left, but I couldn’t blame him. I wouldn’t want me either.
I sat alone on the warm sand and stared at the sun as it sank below the horizon, the tears in my eyes blurring the bright colors in the sky. The sound of each wave pulled me in deeper, threatening to drown me in the inescapable loneliness that had become my life. Squeezing my eyes shut, I took a deep breath as more tears fell. There were always more.
I couldn’t
get the image of Tiffany out of my mind—her hand on her stomach, the baby growing inside her, the way she’d exposed my inadequacies without speaking a single word. Opening my eyes, my hands curled into fists around the sand beneath me, the grains slipping between my fingers, like happiness. I’d trusted her. I’d told her things I hadn’t told anyone, and she’d used my weakness against me. She’d acted like she cared, and I’d believed her. I was more naive than I’d thought.
“I don’t trust her.”
Brandon’s words replayed in my mind as I fought to keep myself from sinking. He was right about her. Maybe she’d gotten pregnant to trap Derek, or maybe Derek had wanted her to have his baby.
Does it really matter?
It didn’t. Their motives and intentions didn’t change anything. They’d both betrayed me.
If Tiffany was pregnant¸ that meant Derek probably hadn’t been using protection.
How many times did I sleep with him after he’d been with her?
Fuck.
I’d need to go to the clinic soon and get checked out.
Thank God, Brandon and I had been using condoms. The last thing I wanted was to drag him into this mess. There was no telling how many men Tiffany had been with.
Sighing, I peered up into the sky and pictured the way I’d left Brandon, sitting naked on his bed. He was the only friend I’d had left, and I’d tried to use him. I’d tried to make him feel something for me when he clearly didn’t. We’d promised each other we wouldn’t pretend.
I was ashamed he’d seen me like that, and his lack of a response had made it even worse. It actually hurt a lot more than I was willing to admit. If he didn’t think I was crazy before, he had to now. I’d probably just ruined the only good thing in my life. Another tear slipped down my cheek as that thought resonated inside me. I didn’t want to lose him, but I had a feeling it was too late.
Thursday afternoon, I woke up in my apartment to someone knocking on my front door. I’d hardly gotten any sleep, and my eyes were swollen from all the crying. I didn’t want to answer it. I knew it was Derek. His knock was just like him—persistent and relentless.
Growling, I got off my mattress and wrapped my robe around myself as I approached the door. With each bang of his fist, my rage coiled tighter until I reached for the knob, ready to strike. I swung the door open, and Derek stood there with defeat in his eyes.
“Penny, I—”
Before he had a chance to finish, my hand made contact with his cheek. I slapped him so hard that my palm ached, and his head whipped to the side. Derek stood there for a second, most likely in shock, before slowly turning back to face me. His nostrils flared as his chest filled with air, his eyes steady on mine.
“Go away. I don’t want you here,” I sneered, unaffected by the anger rolling off of him.
He put his hand on my door, keeping it open. “I know you’re pissed, but so am I, Penny. She played both of us. I had no idea you two even knew each other.”
“Don’t you dare stand there, acting like a fucking victim, Derek. You did this! You brought that psycho bitch into our marriage. You got her fucking pregnant! You’ve been fucking her without condoms? How stupid can you be?”
Derek took a step into my apartment, but I refused to let him in any farther. I tilted my head back and stared into the eyes I’d once loved.
“I don’t want to see you, Derek. Don’t you understand that? There’s nothing left for you here.”
“I’m so sorry, Penny,” he murmured. He brushed the hair from my eyes while tears filled his. “I never meant to hurt you. I fucked up, and now…I’ve realized too late just how lucky I was to have you. I love you.”
I couldn’t believe him. How much longer is he going to put me through this?
“Stop fucking lying to me, Derek!” I yelled, shoving his chest.
He stumbled backward into the hallway.
“You don’t give a shit about me! You’ve never given a shit about me! The only person you’ve ever loved is yourself! How can you say you love me and crawl into bed with her every night?”
Derek opened his mouth to respond, but before he could, one of my neighbors began walking toward us in the hallway.
“Is everything okay here?”
I glanced at Derek and turned back to face the older man who lived a couple of doors down from me. “Yes. I’m sorry if we were too loud.”
“Is he bothering you?” he asked, tilting his head in Derek’s direction.
I knew Derek wouldn’t want this getting back to his commanding officers. His eyes flicked between my neighbor and me, as if he expected me to say something in his defense. I didn’t.
“I was just leaving,” he muttered.
We stared into each other’s eyes, mine unwavering and his pleading, before he finally turned around and walked away.
I gave myself a pep talk as I pulled my hair back into a tight ponytail. I had to be at Induce in forty-five minutes for my first Friday night shift. I hadn’t done anything since seeing Derek but go to the clinic to get tested. Luckily, all of the results had come back negative. I wasn’t sure how I would have endured more bad news.
The time alone had tested my strength, but I’d managed to survive without numbing myself with booze or pills. It would’ve been a lot easier if I’d had a friend to lean on, but Tiffany was now out of the question, and I couldn’t work up the nerve to call Brandon. He probably wouldn’t want to hear from me anyway.
The only ray of hope keeping me going had come in the form of an email response I’d received from one of the internship programs I was interested in. I had been told, with my transcripts, it looked promising that I would be accepted into the program, but I would need to submit a four-hundred-dollar processing fee before they would officially take my application. It was a risk, but I knew it would be worth it if I were accepted. They offered programs all around the world, some lasting up to six months. The thought of getting away and finally working toward a career was something I wanted more than anything. It felt right, and the timing couldn’t be better. So, with an aching heart and hopeful spirit, I’d sent it in. I’d know within four weeks if I’d been accepted.
Ten minutes before my shift started, I walked into Induce and went straight to the break room in the back. I kept my head down, hoping to avoid Brandon, as I stuffed my purse into a locker. I knew he was working tonight, and the thought of his rejection did things to my heart that I couldn’t handle. I was already teetering on the edge as it was. My plan was to stay as far away from him as I could. I’d do my job, earn my tips, and be on my way.
Checking my hair and makeup in the mirror, I adjusted my V-neck top to make sure my bra wasn’t showing, and then I wrapped my small black apron around my waist.
You can do this, Penny.
Forcing a fake smile onto my face, I left the break room, and my eyes were instantly drawn to the main bar where Brandon was tucking a white towel into his back pocket. Just as he turned his head in my direction, I looked away and fought the urge to run and hide. It was a lot harder than I’d anticipated.
Taking a deep breath, I made my way toward the smaller bar across the room where some of the other servers were sitting.
“Hey! Penelope, right?” Elise, the woman who’d been at Brandon’s apartment, smiled at me as she wrapped her apron around her waist.
“Yeah. Hey.”
“What’s up with you and Brandon?” she asked as she glanced across the room.
Great.
She was looking for some gossip, but I wasn’t going to give her any.
“Nothing. I just thought I’d come introduce myself to everyone since this is my first weekend shift.” I looked at the other two girls standing behind her. “Hi, I’m Penelope.”
“Hey. I’m Nicole, and this is Morgan,” the brunette said as she wiped down the bar.
She was a bartender I recognized from my first night at Induce, and she was gorgeous.
“Nice to meet you.”
“So, is Brando
n as good in bed as they say he is?” Morgan bit her bottom lip and eyed something across the room.
I assumed it was Brandon.
I smiled and ignored my jealous urge to smack her. Word had gotten around fast. “I don’t kiss and tell.”
Nicole peered up from what she was doing and grinned at me. I guessed she hadn’t expected me to keep my mouth shut.
“Morgan is just jealous because she’s married, so she can’t tap that,” Elise said, laughing, as she nudged Morgan with her elbow.
Morgan rolled her eyes but couldn’t help from smiling. They were a lot nicer than I’d anticipated, and although they all seemed to be in their early twenties, they didn’t treat me like an awkward old lady.
Once the doors opened, business picked up fairly quickly, and I didn’t have time to worry about Brandon. I was too busy taking drink orders and accepting tips.
A few hours into my shift, I walked up to the larger bar to collect more drinks when I saw Brian sitting on a stool. His gaze was fixed on the beer in front of him. He must have felt me staring at him because he turned his head to look at me. I quickly diverted my gaze and straightened the glasses on my tray.
“Hey, Mrs. Baylor—I mean…” Brian was clearly drunk as he pointed at me and snapped his fingers, trying to remember my first name.
“Penelope.”
“Penelope. Hey. I didn’t know you worked here.”
“Yeah, well, I just started.”
He nodded his head and lifted his beer in my direction. “So, I guess you heard about the baby.”
I cleared my throat. “Yeah.”
“To hell with them! Here’s to the end of our misery!” he shouted before tipping the cup back and drinking the rest.
I felt eyes on me, and I glanced behind the bar where Brandon was watching my exchange with Brian. I motioned my hand back and forth across my throat as a signal to cut him off, and Brandon nodded before going back to pouring drinks. I patted Brian on the shoulder before picking up my tray and getting back to work. As I handed out the drinks to my customers, I tried not to think about the coldness in Brandon’s eyes and how hard it was to forget about him.