“They took me in, adopted me. But I didn’t bring this up for you to feel sorry for me. I want you to know you can trust me, that I’m not twelve anymore: I can get you help if you need it.”
I nodded and squeezed him harder. “Thank you.”
He pulled back then kissed me. “I’d do anything for you. You just have to be honest with me.”
Sebastian seemed to wait for me to respond, and I so desperately wanted to. He was giving me an opening, a way out, if I only I could take hold of the olive branch he was offering. But the risk was far too great, and I was unable to summon the bravery I needed to come clean.
“Well, when you’re ready. I’ll be here,” he said kindly. “You hungry?”
Eyes wide, my throat still sore, I rattled out the words, “Oh no…” I’d ruined his lovely plans, and the shame of what had happened was in danger of overwhelming me again. But one look at Sebastian told me I didn’t have to worry. He wasn’t mad.
“Baby, you don’t have to worry about that. There’ll be plenty of times when we can get dressed up and go out. We can have a night in instead. I think I’d probably like that more anyway, keep you all to myself.”
I returned his smile and nodded. My eyes flickered to my naked ring finger again and I frowned.
“What is it?” he said, but he followed my gaze.
“I lost it, I’m so sorry,” I said almost vomiting up the words, barely clinging on to the much-needed accent to continue the damn farce. I hid my face, as hot tears erupted.
I felt Sebastian’s hands on my face, prying my fingers away. “Anna, look at me. Even if you had, it would be okay.”
I opened my eyes confused. But I had lost it, right down the damn plughole. Hadn’t I? I distinctly remembered drawing myself a bath, peeling off my clothes but making sure to take the ring out of my pocket first… then what? I couldn’t remember. I’d stared in the mirror above the sink for a long while, I knew, looking at the space where my mother’s locket used to lie. But what had I done with the ring?
“Oh, babe, it’s right there,” he said and turned my head to the small tray on his chest of drawers that held his cufflinks and loose change.
I stood on weak legs and went to it, praying my eyes were deceiving me. All that panic for nothing, but even I had to admit the attack hadn’t just been because of the ring.
It was right there… where I’d left it. I slipped it back on—to where it belonged—as a huge wave of relief embraced me.
“See, nothing to worry about.”
I rushed back to Sebastian and wrapped my arms around him, kissing his face over and over, until a low groan emitted from his throat and I felt him stiffen against me. I tugged on his belt, fumbling with his buckle, wanting him to make me feel whole again, when he took my wrists and made me stop.
“There’s nothing more I want right now than to take you back to bed, but I want this to be more than sex, Anna. Besides, what you’ve just gone through, it would be like I was taking advantage. I don’t want that. And neither do you.”
I should’ve been angry. He was rejecting me when I needed him the most, when I was in such a vulnerable state, and yet that was exactly why I knew he was doing and saying the right thing. Unable to respond to him verbally, I didn’t know if I had the strength right then to keep up the pretense, I slipped out of his embrace and went back to the bathroom, collected my phone that had somehow made it to the corner of the room, and came back to the bedroom.
Tapping a few keys and a whoosh later, Sebastian’s phone dinged. He shot me a quizzical look as he fished for his phone.
Thank you for being so understanding. I honestly don’t know what I would do without you. I don’t know how I will ever be able to repay you. I blushed as he read my message.
With a quirk of his lips, he typed his own reply. I feel the same way. When I’m not with you, I can’t stop thinking about you… Who knew ordering a bride online would work out so well?
Wonders of the Internet, I suppose.
Is that how you’re doing what you’re doing? Do you have some sort of translation app on there?
If only he knew, I thought. You could say that, yes. My throat is sore, do you mind if we talk like this for a bit?
Only if you let me kiss it better?
I licked my lips and smiled, agreeing. Sebastian took my hand and we moved into the living room where he set me up on the couch before going to order some food to be delivered. We snuggled together, a film on the screen, yet barely watching it. Instead, Sebastian showered my throat with kisses until our food arrived. He was right, we didn’t need to go outside, to some fancy restaurant to enjoy each other. Unconventional as it was we had everything we needed right here.
It wasn’t long, after all the wine and Chinese food was gone and the credits rolled up, that we ended up in bed. Our bodies were tangled together, sleep drawing close when Sebastian nuzzled against my neck, his eyes closed.
“Oh, before I forget,” he said his voice dreamy, his breathing slow.
“Mmhmm?” I replied, already drifting off.
“The wedding is on Saturday.”
Chapter Seventeen
Sebastian
“Why do you look so miserable?” Gerard said as he gestured to all the half-naked women dancing on the stage for our pleasure. It was the night before Gerard’s wedding, his bachelor party, and I had to admit I’d barely looked at the women. Instead I’d nursed my whiskey, my head buzzing. I was like a bear with a sore head. “It’s my bachelor party, you’re supposed to be getting me shit-faced.”
With a glance to Gerard’s ecstatic face, I forced myself to smile.
“That’s better,” he replied and slapped my back.
It wasn’t that I was miserable, it was quite the opposite. I’d fallen hard and everything in my gut was telling me I was going to lose her, or I was going to screw things up.
We’d spent the last few days blissfully happy. In our own little bubble. I’d taken half-days at work, then taken Anna out to explore the city, visiting museums and my favorite places, showing her around, having lazy lunches while we gazed into each other’s eyes. I learned more about her and fell harder the more she revealed. She was an orphan like me. Both her parents died before their time, and now Anna was alone in the world. Except for her grandmother. I kinda had the feeling she was doing all this for her, traveling to a foreign country, marrying a stranger, all so she could take care of her Gran. I wondered if she was planning to send the money I’d given her back, but when I asked Anna about it she clammed up and went quiet on me. And not wanting to pop the bubble, I changed the subject, hoping in time she would learn to trust me.
I never wanted those sunny days to end. And yet tomorrow I was sure it would.
Gerard looked as if he were about to go back to the crowd, his workmates and our mutual friends, when I heard him sigh and he sank down onto the stool beside me.
“Okay, fess up. What’s wrong? You don’t like Rochelle, right? You don’t want me to get married, do you?”
I whipped my head around to face him, shocked that he would ever think that. I mean, okay, Rochelle wasn’t my favorite person in the world, but she clearly made my best friend happy. Hell that stupid look on his face hadn’t left in all the months he’d known her. In fact, the glow he had seemed to get brighter the closer the wedding got, even if he did complain about all the money they were spending and all the little jobs Rochelle had him doing. Secretly I could tell Gerard loved every bit of the preparations.
“That’s not it at all, Ger,” I said firmly, putting a hefty dose of conviction into my tone. “I think I’m in love… I think I found the one. The love of my life.”
Gerard frowned, letting a beat pass between us before he burst into laughter. Tears came to his eyes the longer he continued to laugh. He slapped the counter in time with his chuckles. I stared at him waiting for him to stop, took a sip of my drink, and sighed.
“The love of your life? Oh, I think that’s the funniest thing
I’ve heard all day. Kudos to you for taking my mind off the wedding tomorrow. I mean don’t get me wrong, I can’t wait to get married and I don’t think I have cold feet, I know she’s the one, but shit, I don’t think I’ve ever been this nervous.”
Gerard held up his glass to toast to his impending doom. Half-heartedly I raised mine and clinked.
“Wait a minute,” Gerard said, “That wasn’t a joke, was it?”
I slowly shook my head and drained the last of my drink.
“Holy shit!” he said, letting each syllable roll of his tongue. “Do I dare ask who the lucky lady is? Don’t tell me you got back with Sarah? You know she was the worst. Hot one minute, cold the next. Not to mention the rumors.”
“You heard those?”
“Who didn’t?” Ger smiled.
“No it’s not Sarah.”
Ger’s eyes widened knowingly. “Of course, your date for tomorrow right? One of the bridesmaids?”
“Anna,” I said with a breathy sigh. Even just saying her name had me trembling all over, wanting to be back in bed with her. Cradling her body to mine.
“She was a looker all right, really seemed taken with the dress too… but who is she? You’ve never mentioned her before. Is she staying with you now too?”
I gave him a slight shrug, debating with myself on whether or not to tell him the whole truth. “We only just met.”
“How long?”
“Less than a week.”
“What? Say that again? You’ve known her a few days and you’re already declaring your love to her? Are you insane?”
“I never said I declared my love to her. I just… fuck. You can be a real shit sometimes, you know?”
“Okay, okay. Start from the beginning. I promise not to laugh this time. Though I can’t promise not to give you shit.”
“I dunno where to even begin. I mean just look at her,” I said as I reached for my phone and pulled up the one photo I had of her. The one Josephine had sent me. “She’s amazing… doesn’t say much but I can tell she feels it too.”
Ger studied the photo. “Where did you say you met her again?” he asked, his voice hesitant.
“Er… does that matter?”
“Fucking hell, Sebastian,” Ger said as he used his thumb and finger to make the image zoom onto a section in the top right corner. “Tell me you didn’t. You wouldn’t be so stupid.”
He held my phone up to my face. On the screen was the logo of the mail-order bride website, clear as day. I flicked my eyes at the screen and then to my best friend, looking away quickly. Shit.
“Who am I kidding? Of course, you would do something like this.”
“Actually, I didn’t, not really. Josephine set it all up.”
“But let me guess, you went along with it?”
“Maybe.”
Gerard covered his face with his hands and groaned.
“That’s not the worst of it,” I said, ready to tell him everything now.
He dropped his hands onto the bar top and glared at me. “There’s more?”
“I may have proposed to her.”
“May have?” Ger’s eyes were so wide I could practically see the reflection of the strippers in them. “You either did or you didn’t. That’s not something you can be confused about.”
“I did. Even gave her a ring,” I said, a smile appearing at the corners of my lips. I couldn’t help but grin now that I thought about it. About how she’d said yes and the way her face beamed with happiness.
“All this after how many days? Jesus Christ, you must be having a mid-life crisis or something… an early one, but still.” He sighed then lifted his hand to order us a couple more drinks. “So, you’re in love and you’re engaged to a mail-order bride, why do I get the feeling that’s not the whole story?”
“You’re too perceptive for your own good, Gerard.”
He gave me a wry smile then and motioned for me to continue. “Knowing you there has to be a reason why you’re so miserable even though you say that you’ve ordered your very own soulmate.”
“There’s just no way it’s going to last. I’m going to lose her, I know it. It’s all going to blow up in my face and it’ll be all my fault.”
“It’s probably not the best thing to predict the end of a relationship before it’s even begun, buddy.”
“You don’t understand… Fuck. I may have led her believe that tomorrow is, erm…” I muttered the rest under my breath.
“What?” Gerard shouted, cupping a hand to his ear. “What about tomorrow?”
Fuck it, I thought. He’s probably going to find out anyway. Would be better if he knew now, rather than later… in case Anna decided to cause a scene tomorrow.
“She thinks tomorrow is our wedding. That she’s there to be my bride… not your bridesmaid.”
All the joviality drained from Gerard’s face and he quickly stood up, shaking his head. I could tell he was trying to find the right words that would slice into me and I would deserve them. I waited for all of Ger’s accumulated anger to come bursting out. But then he turned and walked away from the table. He didn’t get far though. Almost immediately he was back by my side, his hand squeezing my shoulder.
“Of all the crazy shit you’ve pulled in your lifetime, this has to be the most stupidest thing ever. Normally it only affected you, but this time you’re putting mine and Rochelle’s special day at risk. I’m warning you, Sebastian, you better fucking fix this, right now. Because if either of you causes a scene tomorrow, or ruins any aspect of the wedding, that will be it. I swear to god I’ll cut all ties with you. Brother or not.”
“I fucked up, I know,” I said quietly, pain amassing in my chest.
“This is beyond fucked up, Sebastian. You’re messing with people’s lives.” He paused and pulled me to my feet out of the chair. “Go. Right this minute. I can barely look at you. I don’t want to see you tomorrow unless you fix this. And for the love of god, tell Anna the truth. Cause you’re right, you’re going to lose her if you don’t. A relationship can’t survive a lie that big.”
It was only about ten when I got back to the apartment. All the way home I’d run through everything I would say to Anna, how I would explain it all; what Josephine did, why I needed a date, and everything about the wedding tomorrow. In my head it sounded reasonable and yet when I tilted and examined the excuses and reasons why from a different angle, it all seemed preposterous. And a sure fire way to have Anna go screaming from the apartment out into the night.
I just had to hope the after all time we’d spent together that she would take a few minutes to process it, to understand, especially since I’d fallen for her and that I wanted the ring on her finger to stay put.
So there I was all revved up and raring to go, about to spill my guts to the woman I loved, hoping she’d forgive me when I found the apartment deadly silent.
“Anna?” I called as I moved through the open plan living-dining room. The lights were on but dimmed down low.
“Anna? Are you hiding?” A smile crept across my face as I thought of her waiting for me, in the bedroom, possibly behind the door, naked and waiting to pounce. Maybe I would have to put off telling her the truth… if I was about to break everything apart, I couldn’t give up saying goodbye, one last time, in the best way possible.
But I didn’t have the chance, the bedroom was dark. The cover smoothed down and crisp. There was no Anna shaped lump curled up under them. I quickly checked the bathroom. Empty. There weren’t many other places in the apartment to check and in a matter of minutes I was done with my search.
I held back the panic for a moment and forced myself to think. She knew I was going to be out tonight at the bachelor party. I’d texted her as much. But she’d never said that she was going to go out herself… and if she was, where would she go? She didn’t know anyone in Boston except me. And, to an extent, Big Jim.
Maybe she’d only gone out to get some food, some late-night takeout?
But even that thou
ght couldn’t obliterate the other things that could’ve happened. I scrunched up my face as I began to envisage the worst. My heart began to race as I searched for my phone, digging it out of my pocket. I fumbled it in my haste and it skittered to the floor. I chased after it, and soon had it back in my hand, my fingers trembling.
I shot off a quick text. Anna where are you?
Pacing back into the bedroom, as if going back in there would make her magically appear, I waited for a reply. There was no ding or vibrating buzz. I pressed the icon to call her and put the phone to my ear. Almost immediately the ringing ended and I was diverted to her voicemail. With fear in my throat, I debated what to say… what could I say? I didn’t know why she’d left. Was it because of me? Was she spooked by all the talk of the wedding? Or was she in some kind of trouble?
Fuck, my mind was going a mile a minute. In the end, I repeated my text message, blurting it out. I no doubt sounded like a possessive boyfriend, demanding and always needing to know where his girl was… but I didn’t feel like I was overreacting.
Almost as soon as I ended the call after leaving my message, my cell buzzed in my hand. A text from Anna. Be home soon.
Immediately noticing she didn’t answer my question I replied. Where are you? Do you want me to come pick you up?
No everything’s fine, I went for a walk. Sorry if I worried you. Didn’t realize you would be home so soon. If I’d known I wouldn’t have gone out.
I studied her words on the screen, feeling as if there was something she was hiding. But I had to remember I was the one who’d deceived her and just because I’d told lies didn’t mean that she was too. And yet I couldn’t quite get the thought out of my head.
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