by Alice Ward
“That would be perfect, Tam. Let’s do that. Gran will love it.” I felt so relieved.
I wasn’t afraid of being with Gran while she was sick, but it was hard to watch her deteriorate so quickly. I didn’t know what I had expected her end to look like, but it was like a mush of surreal moments that I simply floated in and out of. Gran sleeping all day, not being able to walk, taking everything at a slow pace. Her body quickly dwindling, her skin loosening, her eyes growing dark. Inside that dying body was the woman who had been my mother, my best friend, and my only real family. Now that entire package was… drifting away. I couldn’t face it. Tammy was good at diversions, and right now, that’s all I wanted.
We planned our menu and our shopping lists, set the time, and since it was getting really late, she went home. I checked on Gran, who was still asleep. Being in the quite house with nothing else to distract me but my own mind, I thought of KP. He had been so much more than I had expected him to be. I hadn’t had feelings for a man for a long time. I just didn’t make space for them, but he was creeping into my heart. It was terrifying and exhilarating. I thought about texting him to see if he made it home safely but thought it would send the wrong message, so I just went to bed and thought of him, secretly hoping I would dream of him again.
The next day I woke up to Athena, who helped me give Gran her meds and make breakfast. Gran was in great spirits but seemed a little fragile. More fragile than I had seen her before, so much so that I couldn’t ignore it this time. We all ate breakfast together at the dining room table, but soon after, Gran was too tired to stay. We moved her to the porch so she could watch the neighborhood and the hustle and bustle of life. She quickly dozed off in her rocking chair.
While Gran was resting, I asked Athena about the changes I’d been seeing in Gran’s health.
“She doesn’t seem like herself anymore,” I said quietly.
“She’s in there and is the same woman she’s always been, but her body is shutting down around her. That’s a hard war to wage.” Athena seemed like she was gearing up for a lecture, one I assumed she had given several times in her line of work.
“Is there anything I can do for her?” I asked, trembling inside.
“Be there for her, love her as you always do and…” she paused for a moment, like she knew that what she was about to say would hurt.
“And?” I didn’t really want to know, but of course I did, desperately. I needed anything that would help me deal with my mounting anxiety.
“Well, life has many stages. We’re born, we learn to eat solid food, practice the alphabet, deal with bullies, write five paragraph essays, get into college, figure out what you want to be when you grow up, fall in love, have kids, and then you hit the other side of the mountain.”
She patted my hand. “And you think Gran is near the end of her journey?” My heart squeezed as I said it.
“Yes, darling. It’s actually no different than the beginning, no less a milestone of existence. What a lot of people do is shy away from this last greatest step. They pretend it’s not happening and deny the person their right to face the last step with dignity and pride. You can’t force a baby to stay in the womb and you can’t stop a person from dying. It’s all part of the cycle of this amazing thing we call life. Your gran probably only has a few more days until that end… that perfect finish. So, what you might do for her is embrace it.”
That surprised and confused me. How was death something to be embraced?
“Talk to her, make this something she doesn’t have to do alone. Just as you would have if you were cheering her when she was younger and fighting hard to do something well. Give her that same encouragement now. You won’t be rushing things. Her end will come when it’s time, but you’ll be giving her the permission and the support she needs to face this last phase with grace and dignity.”
“I… I… can’t,” I stammered, tears pouring down my face.
“But you will be cause you love her and this is what she deserves.” She held my hand for a moment and just let me cry.
Athena was right. For all the times Gran had cheered me on, I owed her the same kind of enthusiasm. I looked around the room at all the paintings she’d hung. When I was younger, it irked me when she insisted on hanging every one. Some of them were from when I had just started as a painter, they were raw and unrefined. Others were of subjects that were raw and emotional and they embarrassed me now. But as I sat on the couch with Athena, I saw my life’s history played out on the walls; a celebration of my existence. I could now understand what Gran had seen in the paintings. They represented the life of a person she loved deeply. She admired the ugly ones just as much as she adored the beautiful. They were all a part of me, and she loved every part of her granddaughter.
“How do I do this? I can’t just say, ‘Hey Gran, I hear you’re dying.’” I wanted to laugh, but didn’t have the heart.
“No, that’s probably not the best way to start, but you could ask her how she feels about this last stage. Let her talk to you. She’s probably been hoping that you would ask before it was too late.” Athena gave me a loving smile. “I have to clean up her room from this morning and get rid of a little toxic waste, but you think about it and just let the conversation come naturally. You’re ready for anything you might hear. Just be grateful for the time you still have.”
When Athena left, I went out to the porch and took my seat next to Gran. I just stared at her for a moment. Trying to envision that chair empty. It was so hard for me to face, but I forced myself to see it without her in it. I couldn’t. I was glad she was still there. I reached out to hold her hand, and her eyes opened, startling me.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”
“I’m not sleeping!” she protested, “just resting my eyes.”
“Are your eyes still tired?” I asked nervously.
She knew me better than I knew myself and caught on immediately to my need to talk with her.
Her smile seemed so weak, so frail. “What is it, kiddo?”
“I just wanted to know how you’re feeling.” My voice quivered and I was on the verge of crying again.
“I feel like shit,” Gran said with a smile.
Panic seized me. “Is there anything I can do? Do you want me to get Athena to give you more pain medication?”
She patted my hand. “More pain meds would probably do the trick, but it would be lights out again for me. The pain’s not too bad, it’s not distracting. Just there.”
“I don’t want you to suffer. Let me know when you want me to get you some.”
“I’m good. I’d rather sit here with you, kiddo, and soak up the sun. That’s the best pain relief ever,” she said as she quietly closed her eyes.
I stared at her, watched her breathing. In and out. It felt like I was waiting for her to die any moment, but I knew in my mind that we weren’t there yet. This wasn’t her time. After a few minutes, she looked at me again.
“Whatchya staring at?” she asked, opening up a chance for me to talk to her.
“You, Gran. Just thinking about how much I love you.”
“I love you too, kiddo.” She paused and took a deep breath. “It’s gonna be hard to say goodbye.”
Emotion pulsed in my throat. “How… how do you feel about that?”
“How do I feel about dying? That part sucks when you have a young child to raise when you’re older. Inevitably, they’re not gonna be ready for you to go when you are.”
“Are you ready to go?” I asked as the tears pushed against my eyes again.
“Pretty much, except for you and not wanting to say goodbye, I’m good to go. I’ve seen this world enough. I’m ready for the next one. I think. I can’t say anyone is entirely sure of anything when it’s time to kick the old can. I remember the day your mom was born. She was such a pretty baby, just like you were a pretty baby. I didn’t want to have any more kids after she was born. I mean, I could have had a mess of kids, but she seemed so perfect, I just didn’t want to
tempt fate. I had exactly what I wanted. Harold and I loved one another and then Violet was born, and that was everything. We were perfect. Your mom grew up to be so good in school. She was gorgeous, kind, smart, and the only mistake she ever made was falling in love with that Philip.”
My dad. I still could make the father I knew and loved be the same as the one who was so cruel that night.
“No man is ever good enough for your child, and none of us could see what was happening right away. He was a handsome guy, smart, a teacher. I think we all fell under his spell. She never wanted to trouble us, but his drinking started early on in their marriage. He grew mean and nasty. Violet always said it was because he worked too hard, but I could tell there was something else going on. I encouraged her to follow her heart. And I actually hoped her heart would lead her away from Philip.”
I thought Gran had gotten her wish. Mom’s heart had taken her away. No one realized it would cost her her life.
“Soon, I was too swept up trying to save your grandpa’s life, making sure he took his meds and got rest. But love can’t take away heart disease and there’s no magic wand that will reverse a stroke. He didn’t have a chance. When he died, all I felt was sadness and loss. I didn’t take time to see what was living in front of me. Violet took her dad’s death really hard. Philip… I think he tried for a little while. Then you were born and I saw in you the same thing I saw in Violet. Perfection.”
I flushed as I aways did when Gran gushed about me.
“Here was this beautiful new being in our world. I realized that life went on, even without Harold. The worst moment though, was seeing Violet. You know, my beautiful baby, just gone… and there was nothing I could do about it. I could never bring her back. I didn’t think I would make it through losing her, but there you were again. My second chance. And you have been the greatest joy of my life. I don’t want any more joys… I’m completely full. You, though, you could use a little more joy.”
“I’m okay, Gran,” I assured her.
“You’re more than okay, kiddo. You’re a successful painter and a great person with a whole amazing life before you. But I want you to find love, have a baby if that fits into your plans. Move on. Be happy. I won’t be here to see it from this side, but I’ll be on the other side rooting for you.” She cackled softly. “In fact, I could be reincarnated as your kid. Imagine the fun we’d have.” Her smile was infectious.
“That would be awesome.”
“If you keep me here, how am I gonna get to do all the things I want to in the next life? I’ve heard that heaven is something. And if I end up in hell… at least I’ll get to see Philip’s ass again and kick it for the rest of eternity.” We both had a hearty laugh over that one.
“You aren’t going to hell, Gran.” I couldn’t imagine a woman more deserving of heaven.
“Well, wherever I’m headed, I want these last few days to be as good as they can be. Now, I’ve a lot of thinking to do and some praying and mental wrapping up of stuff, so I don’t want you here every minute hovering over me. If I’m gone when you get home, then that’s how I wanted it. You’re not going to stop your life so that you can sit around and watch me die.”
“Gran—”
She shushed me. “I don’t want you taking a two-week cruise or anything, silly, but if you don’t leave on your own accord some days, I’ll just boot you out. For example, that nice fella I hear you’re dating…”
I rolled my eyes. Boy, she was a sneaky one.
“I’m not dating him, Gran. He’s sort of my boss.”
“Bullshit. You like the guy. Keep your dukes up if you have to, but don’t turn him down unless he ends up being an absolute asshole. I trust you. You won’t be attracted to a guy like your father, not after what you’ve lived through.” She was wearing down again, her eyes drifted closed and open.
“Gran, before your nap, can I ask you one more thing?”
Her closed eyelids flitted open again. “Sure, sweetie.”
“Are you ready to do this?” It took everything in me to hold back the tears.
She exhaled a long breath. “I sure am because there’s shit I can do to change it. I’d say I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.”
As her eyes closed again, I tried to find peace in what we spoke about. I didn’t feel much like a cheerleader, but I didn’t beg or whine like I thought I would.
That night, Ricky and Tammy came over for dinner. We had tacos and Gran’s favorite beer. We also busted out the new bottle of whiskey we bought to replace Gran’s stash. In addition to the tacos, we had loads of junk food for her to eat, especially her favorite, New York Fudge Chunk ice cream. We fired up a Freddy Krueger Marathon, and she was asleep before anyone in the movie was. She ate a little and stayed on the couch with us, covered in her favorite blankets, while we stayed up until way past two in the morning, watching the movies, and eating all of the shit food.
“I can’t believe that your grandma loves these movies. They’re such crap,” Ricky said, his eyes riveted to the screen.
“Why you still watching?” Tammy asked, curled up in a blanket, half hiding and half watching.
“Cause they’re so awful they’re awesome.” He smiled, eating another handful of Pringles.
“I think that’s why she watches them,” I said. “She told me that life never got as bad as a horror story, and they always reminded you of the good you had.”
“Hell, they remind me that I hate horror movies, I’m not gonna be able to sleep for a week.” Tam jumped as Freddy slashed, pulling her blanket over one eye, watching with the other. “Cat, I’m moving in here with you. No way am I going back to my apartment to live alone and get all shredded by that Krueger guy. Hell to the no!”
I loved the idea. “Yeah, a sleepover, like when we were kids. That would be amazing. You can have my room since I’m sleeping in Gran’s these days…” I sniffed. “I just don’t want… crap.” I swiped at my eyes.
“Nope…” She thrust out her hand. “Don’t do it, you can’t do it, or I’ll do it,” Tammy warned.
“And then I’ll do it,” Ricky added.
“See, don’t go there.” Tammy gave me a stern look.
“Okay, move in for a while, please!” I begged.
“No need to beg, I said I would. I’ll sleep in my clothes tonight and get my stuff in the morning. It’s been on my mind, I wanna do this. For a little while at least. Get some bonding time with Gran, you know, bug you and stuff,” Tammy said softly.
I felt lighter all of a sudden. “Thanks.”
Tammy flashed her eye at me again from behind the blanket. “But don’t be sappy, I don’t like sappy.”
“Oh please,” I flashed her one back, “I’m not sappy!”
Ricky spit out some of his beer. So, maybe I was a little sappy at times. Ricky stayed until the end of the third movie then went home across the street. I set Tammy up in my room and decided to leave Gran on the couch. I didn’t want to wake her, so I just settled into the La-Z-Boy and slept in the living room that night.
The next morning, Gran was thrilled to hear that Tammy had moved in for a little while. Every night, Tammy and I sat vigil together, just soaking up life, ordering take-out if Gran had a craving or cooking together in the kitchen. I could tell that Gran was having a wonderful time. Ricky would stop by and brought his husband on occasion. Athena even brought her baby for all of us to fawn over. Things felt perfect and nobody mentioned the elephant in the room again.
Before I knew it, it was Saturday again. I told Tammy and Gran that I would sit out the family day with KP and Wenton, but both refused the idea. They liked that I did things with KP and his brother, and seriously, it was the only time I got to get away from my life, which was so full of complicated feelings. Granted, I was trading up for more complicated feelings, but having a different set was a nice change of pace. Tammy had promised her boyfriend she would spend the weekend with him, so she called dibs on Saturday afternoon with Gran.
“You get he
r to yourself all the time. I never get her to myself. Don’t be selfish,” she pouted.
So, we agreed. Tammy would spend Saturday afternoon alone with Gran, and I would get to be with her Saturday night and Sunday. It felt right. Gran was doing okay; I hadn’t seen a lot of change. She was still fragile and barely ate, but she was as feisty and spirited as ever.
I was both excited and nervous to see KP. It had been a week, and over that time, when I wasn’t thinking about Gran and the circle of life or entertaining Tammy and Ricky while they sat vigil with me, I was almost obsessing over the man. I thought of his soft lips when I kissed him, and his sad story about his loveless family. I was both anticipating and dreading seeing him again. I felt safe that he wouldn’t made any indecent proposals, but also sad. As much as I hated to admit it, it was part of his charm.
I also looked forward to spending more time with Wenton, but I was fearful too. I saw the same vicious life cycle circling around Wenton’s world. But as Gran had so eloquently offered, there was shit we could do about it.
This time, Gran insisted on greeting KP at the door. She hadn’t been walking around too much these days, but she got out of her jammies and put on her “America Fuck Yeah” t-shirt and a pair of jeans. This woman. She always had a thing or two up her sleeve. When the knock came on the door, she took her time answering it. KP looked a bit startled to see her.
“Hi, I’m here for Caitlyn,” he said kindly.
She looked him over. Like, really looked him up and down over a space of time that must have lasted a hundred years. “Cat, he’s a whole lot hotter in person, you crazy nut.”
I blushed but grinned at an embarrassed-looking KP. “Oh? I hadn’t noticed, Gran,” I said as seriously as I could manage.
“Gotta get you a pair of glasses,” she quipped, nearly yelling at him. “Want some tea?”
“I would love some, but we’re already a little late I’m afraid. Can I take you up on the tea offer this afternoon when we return?”
“It’s a deal.” Gran shook on it and nearly fell over.
Tammy arrived and escorted Gran to the rocking chair on our porch. “I got her, Cat. You guys have fun.” She actually smiled like she meant it.