by Alice Ward
“Didn’t sleep well last night,” I said evasively. I knew our conversation would eventually come around to Sean, but I wasn’t ready to discuss it quite yet.
“How’s work?” Niki asked. She pretended like it was an off-handed question, but I could tell she was interested. Her eyes locked on mine over her coffee mug while she waited for my answer.
“Really good,” I said. “You’d be surprised. The numbers are actually going up.”
“They are?” Niki asked. “Well, I am surprised. I thought the company would tank within the month.”
I laughed. “You have so much faith in me.”
“In you, yes,” Niki said firmly. “In that company? Absolutely not.”
“Well, either way, we’re doing well,” I said with a wave of my hand. “Sean really came through for us. He’s been a godsend.”
“So, he’s working out?” Niki asked.
“Perfectly,” I answered. “He was exactly what the company needed. The more we get him out in front of the press, the better the numbers will be. I’m sure of it.”
“I’m happy for you,” Niki said. “I mean, I don’t agree with the corporate scheme and all that bullshit, but if you’re happy, then I’m happy.”
“Thanks,” I said, grinning. “I guess that’s the best I can hope for you from you, huh?”
“Yup,” Niki said. “You hungry?”
I shrugged. “Sure.”
Niki went to the pantry and grabbed a bag of mini donuts. I smiled at her choice of breakfast foods but kept my mouth shut. While I tried to become a full-fledged adult, Niki resisted growing up like it was the plague. She still worked minimum wage, part-time jobs in an effort to maintain her independence, and she outright refused to eat anything healthier than an apple.
We sat at the table and gorged on mini donuts through most of the morning. Niki filled me in on her life, and I told her more about work. The conversation circled dangerously close to Sean, and I knew I had to tell her what was going on soon. If she hadn’t already guessed I was hiding something, she would eventually.
“Yeah,” I said after we finished yet another discussion about Sean’s ad campaigns. “I’ve been spending a lot of time with him.”
I tried to keep my voice casual, but just as I suspected, Niki’s eyes widened with interest. She looked at me closely, examining my face.
“What do you mean?” she asked carefully. “You mean, at work?”
“That.” I nodded. “And outside of work.”
“So, you’re dating him?” Niki asked.
Niki’s eyes widened even more. She whistled softly and looked around the room. I knew she was surprised, but I didn’t expect her to act that surprised.
“What?” I asked defensively.
“Nothing,” Niki said. “It’s just… Didn’t you swear off guys after your last breakup? I thought it would take a little longer for you to get back on the horse.”
“I’m not on any horse,” I assured her. “We’ve just been hanging out.”
“Hanging out?” Niki repeated. “So, you’re sleeping with him.”
I choked on my coffee and sputtered. As I wiped my mouth, Niki laughed and handed me a napkin. She shook her head side to side and watched me with an accusation in her eyes.
“You are, aren’t you?” she asked, once I’d stopped coughing. “You’re totally sleeping with him.”
“A couple times,” I said with a shrug. “It’s nothing.”
“Nothing?” She clearly did not believe me. “If it’s nothing, then why haven’t you told me until now?”
“Because I haven’t seen you,” I reminded her. “Remember, this is our time to catch up. I’m telling you now, aren’t I?”
“Uh huh,” she nodded. “And you didn’t think sex with a coworker warranted a phone call?”
“No,” I said. “And he’s not a coworker. Not really. He’s more of a…”
I paused, trying to find the right word. The truth was, Sean was my subordinate. I was his boss. He answered to me, but I didn’t want to point that out to Niki and give her even more ammunition to use against me. Instead, I let the end of my sentence hang in the air ambiguously.
“Right.” Niki laughed. “Well, when you figure it out, let me know.”
“It’s really not a big deal,” I said again. “He has a daughter, and I’ve been helping him out sometimes.”
“A daughter?” Niki’s face lost its amused expression. She shook her head, her eyes full of serious concern.
“Yeah,” I said. I didn’t know why Niki was acting like it was the end of the world. “She’s eight. Her name is Paisley. She’s really cute.”
“You have to get out of that,” Niki said firmly. “Now.”
“Get out of what?” I asked. “I already told you, I don’t know if there’s even anything to get out of at this point.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Niki said. “Tara, this is bad.”
“What’s bad?” I asked. Niki’s doom and gloom attitude was beginning to get on my nerves.
“It’s bad enough that you’re sleeping with a man who works for you,” Niki said slowly. “But you’re also hanging out with his kid?”
“She comes to the office sometimes.” I shrugged. “She seems to like me. That’s all.”
“And you’re sleeping with her dad,” Niki said.
“Yes, but—” I began, but Niki was already shaking her head. I’d never seen her look so serious.
“Tara,” she said. “This could end so badly and not just for the company. If that was all that was at stake, you know I wouldn’t care, but what about this little girl? What if she gets attached to you and then things don’t work out? You won’t just be leaving Sean, you’ll be leaving his daughter. Are you going to be able to live with that? Is she?”
“I hadn’t thought about it,” I said honestly. “This thing between Sean and I just started. It’s still new. I don’t even know what it is yet.”
“Good,” Niki said. “Then, that means there’s plenty of time to end it before it goes any further.”
“I don’t want to,” I argued. “I like Sean, and I like Paisley. I enjoy spending time with them. Why should I have to stop?”
“Okay,” Niki said. “Fine. What about her mom? Is she in the picture?”
I opened my mouth to answer, but I immediately hesitated. I knew where Niki was going with her line of questioning, and I didn’t want to help her get there.
“Well?” Niki pressed.
“She died,” I said softly. “Not long ago. That’s why she came to live with Sean and that’s why he’s needed my help from time to time.”
“Oh my god,” Niki shook her head. “Tara, what the hell are you thinking?”
“What?” I demanded. I was feeling more defensive by the second.
“You’ve lost your mind,” Niki accused. “This little girl is going to fall for you and then what? God, Tara you have to get out of this before you really hurt her.”
I fell silent and listened to Niki’s warnings. Part of me wanted to yell at her for ruining this for me. I really liked Sean. Why couldn’t that be good enough for my best friend? Instead, I stayed quiet because I knew she wasn’t entirely wrong.
“I don’t intend to leave,” I said softly. “I have no plans of walking away from either of them.”
“People never do,” Niki said. “But life happens.”
Again, she wasn’t wrong, but I didn’t want to admit that. The conversation changed topics, and we spent the rest of the afternoon snacking and talking. My mind was elsewhere though. From the time Niki brought up the repercussions of my actions, I hadn’t been able to think of anything other than Paisley.
I sat at home that night, replaying my conversation with Niki in my head. My phone rang.
“Hello?” I said without checking the caller id.
“Hey!” It was Sean. My heart skipped a beat.
“Hey,” I said slowly. “What’s up?”
“Not much,” he said. �
��I was just calling to see if you wanted to get dinner tonight. What do you think? You free?”
“Actually,” I said, looking around my empty apartment. I wanted to see Sean, but after everything Niki said, I knew I couldn’t. Not then. “I have plans with my friend Niki tonight. I’m sorry.”
“Oh,” Sean said. He sounded disappointed, and I immediately felt guilty. I closed my eyes tightly.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “We just haven’t seen each other in a while. She’s my best friend, so we need to catch up, you know?”
“Sure,” Sean said, covering his disappointment. “I understand. You guys have fun!”
“We will,” I said. “Maybe next time?”
“Definitely,” Sean said. I could hear the smile in his voice, and it made it that much harder to hang up. When I did, I dropped my phone onto the couch and leaned my head back against the cushions.
I hated lying to Sean. He didn’t deserve that, but how could I explain to him how I was feeling? How could I tell him that I was suddenly worried about how his daughter might take our hypothetical breakup? The answer was simple: I couldn’t. So instead, I lied. And I hated myself for it.
As sure as I was that my feelings for Sean were real, Niki did have a point. If something happened with Sean and me, then Paisley would be heartbroken. Even if I promised to keep in touch with her, it wouldn’t be the same and she would know it. Just two days ago, I’d been happier than I ever thought I could be. And now, I was more confused than ever.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Sean
Sunday was a slow day at the house. Paisley was tired from the exciting weekend, and I was miserable because I missed Tara so much. I felt pathetic, like a whipped teenager who just got laid for the first time. No matter how many times I told myself to get it together, I couldn’t stop thinking about her.
That night, I finally caved. I decided to take Paisley out to dinner, and I asked if she wanted to invite Tara. Of course, Paisley said yes. She loved Tara just as much as I was starting to. I called Tara and invited her. She said no and I had to pretend like I understood, but my heart fell into my stomach. We got off the phone, and I told Paisley Tara was busy. Paisley was upset, but she got over it quickly. The two of us went out to dinner alone, and it was amazing.
The entire time we ate, Paisley talked my ear off about her swim camp and how excited she was for her swim team to start in August. I didn’t even know she was on a team, but I could tell by her face that it wasn’t something she would forget. I smiled and asked all the right questions. By the end of the night, I felt even more like a dad. Paisley fell asleep in the car on the way home, and I carried her to bed. She felt so light in my arms and I never wanted to put her down. I sat by her bed that night and watched her sleep. I couldn’t believe I’d already missed so much of her life.
When I went to bed Sunday night, I couldn’t sleep. I touched the pillow where Tara had slept two nights earlier and I felt a familiar sense of loneliness wash over me. I had fun with Paisley, but I still missed Tara desperately. What was worse was the fact that I wouldn’t get to see her Monday morning either.
Tara gave me the day off on Monday to spend time with Paisley. I was excited for it, but I’d also been looking forward to seeing Tara again. The higher ups in the company were going to have a big meeting to go over all the numbers, and I wasn’t welcome for that. I was important enough to model and give press conferences, but not to deal with the real stuff. It didn’t bother me, though. I always hated the business side of things. I would much rather spend my time working on the bikes than brainstorming ways to sell them.
When I finally fell asleep, I dreamt of Tara. She floated in and out of my subconscious the whole night, and when I woke up, she was still on my mind. I sighed and climbed out of bed, resigning myself to yet another day of not seeing her. Once Paisley woke up, I would have enough distractions to get through the day, but I still had an hour before that would happen.
I went into the kitchen and took my time making breakfast. I made a huge meal complete with waffles, sausage, pancakes, and bacon. I fried up a few eggs and sliced some fruit. I knew it was too much food for Paisley and me to eat, but I didn’t care. I had a special day planned for her and I wanted to start it off the right way.
Paisley came into the kitchen just as I finished slicing the fruit. She rubbed her eyes and sat down in her usual chair. I brought all the food over to her with a flourish and a smile.
“Wow,” she said. “This is a lot of food.”
I shrugged. “I know. I got carried away this morning. Besides, we’re celebrating.”
“Celebrating?” Paisley asked.
“Yup.” I grinned. “We’re going shopping today.”
“For what?” Paisley asked.
“Anything you want,” I said. “Remember when I said you could decorate your room?”
“Yeah.” Paisley nodded.
“Well, we’re gonna do that today,” I said. “We’ll get everything you need and spend the day decorating. What do you think?”
“Okay!” Paisley said. She grinned and began eating as fast as she could. I laughed and thought I should have waited until she finished breakfast before I told her the plan.
***
At the store, Paisley and I went down every aisle, making sure we got anything and everything she might need. We bought her a desk lamp and a new bedroom set complete with curtains and throw pillows. Then, we found a few posters to hang on the walls and some new outfits. She was having so much fun that I almost didn’t want to leave.
“Anything else?” I asked, glancing into the basket. “What about a trash can? You need a trash can.”
“Sure!” Paisley said. She ran down the aisle and grabbed a bright purple trashcan. It didn’t match anything we’d gotten so far, but I didn’t care. This was her day and her room. She could have whatever she wanted.
As we made our way to the checkout lines, we passed by the toy section. Paisley glanced down a few aisles but didn’t show any interest until the bikes came into view. She gasped loudly and stopped in front of a small green one. It had a white basket and a bell attached to the handlebars. She slid her hand over the sides of it, staring at it in awe.
“I’ve never had one,” Paisley whispered. I couldn’t tell if she was talking to herself or to me. She spoke so softly.
“Never?” I asked. Paisley jumped and whirled around. She hadn’t realized I was watching her.
“Sorry,” she said, shaking her head. “I didn’t mean to stop.”
“It’s okay,” I said. “Check it out for a minute.”
Paisley circled around the bike. She touched the seat and rang the bell. Her eyes were wide and her mouth hung open. I’d never seen her look so excited about anything.
“Do you want it?” I asked slowly. I didn’t want to seem like I was trying to buy her, but she seemed so excited that I couldn’t help myself.
“No,” Paisley said quickly. She shook her head and stepped away from it. “It’s okay. I don’t need it.”
“Well, I know that,” I said, laughing. “But do you want it?”
“I don’t know how to ride,” Paisley whispered. Her cheeks flushed with embarrassment, and I took a step forward.
“I can teach you,” I offered.
“Really?” she asked. She looked at me suspiciously like I was lying to her.
“Of course,” I said. “Why wouldn’t I?”
“My mom always said she would,” Paisley admitted softly. “But she never had time. She always said she was too busy.”
I nodded. “I see. Well, I’m not too busy. I think we should get it.”
“Are you sure?” Paisley asked. She looked back at the bike with a frown. I could tell she wanted it, but she was nervous.
“Positive,” I said. “Come on.”
I grabbed the bike, and we took it up to the checkout lanes, along with our basket. It was an expensive shopping trip, but after getting my first paycheck from Yates’ Motorcyc
les, I didn’t care. We were celebrating.
We paid for everything and loaded it into the car. Once we got back to the house, I ordered us pizza for lunch, and we went to work decorating Paisley’s bedroom. I made the bed with her new sheets and comforter. Then we added the throw pillows. While I hung the curtains and the posters, Paisley plugged in her desk lamp and set up the trashcan. She moved it three times before she finally found the perfect place.
“Do you like it?” I asked when we were done. She looked around the room slowly, taking in the full effect.
“It’ll do,” she said stubbornly.
“It’ll do?” I scoffed. “Come on, you love it.”
“It’s okay,” she insisted.
“You love it,” I teased. I poked her in the side. She jerked away and tried not to giggle.
“It’s nice,” she said.
“Nice?” I exclaimed. “I’ll show you nice!”
I lunged forward and grabbed her around the waist. I threw her over my shoulder and pretended to drop her on her head. She screamed and laughed while I tickled her. We played and joked around for the rest of the day.
Slowly, I was learning more about my daughter. I knew she only liked cheese pizza and that she loved the color green. I knew her drawings were personal, but she loved to share them with the right people. I knew she would swim all day if she could, and I also knew that she really missed her mom.
As we sat together in her bedroom, I finally braved the subject.
“I’m sorry about your mom,” I said softly. “I know we haven’t talked about her a lot and I’m sorry for that. I just wanted to give you some time. I know you must miss her a lot.”
“I do,” Paisley said. “But sometimes I don’t. Is that bad to say?”
“No.” I shook my head. “It’s human. It means you’re healing.”
“I don’t want to forget about her,” Paisley said softly. “And sometimes I’m really mad at her.”
“Mad at her?” I asked. “Why?”
“Because she always said she’d never leave, but she did,” Paisley said. “She did leave. She died.”
I watched Paisley eyes fill with tears, and I fought back tears of my own. I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and held her against my chest until all her tears dried up. When she was done crying, I knew the conversation was over. She’d said as much as she could about her mom.