by Alice Ward
“I’m okay now,” Paisley said. I could tell she was just trying to make me feel better, and that fact only increased my guilt. I sighed and stood up.
“Get some sleep,” I said. “Sweet dreams.”
“Goodnight,” Paisley whispered. She rolled over to face the wall while I let myself out of the room.
I pulled the door closed behind me and felt a lump growing in my throat. For hours, I’d been thinking that Paisley would be scarred after what Zach did to her. I was so angry with him for grabbing her that way that I didn’t stop to think how my actions would affect her. Of course, she was afraid. She had a strange man grab her by the arm, and then her father shoved that man against a wall. Worse still, I just sent her away without hugging her or comforting her in any way. Tara took her out of the room because I wanted to fight Zach. I was selfish. I was arrogant. I was anything but a good dad.
My guilt overwhelmed me as I made my way into my bedroom. I thought about watching television to take my mind off things, but I knew it wouldn’t work. My head was spinning and I felt exhausted. Not for the first time, I heard Zach’s voice echo in my mind.
“Are you sure she’s your daughter?”
The look on his face when he repeated that question made me want to beat him senseless all over again. I wanted to permanently shut him up. How dare he hurt my daughter and then question whether she was really mine? I couldn’t believe he would be so petty and vindictive. Despite everything he’d already done, I always hoped there was something redeemable left inside my brother. No matter how bad things got between us, and they’d gotten horrible over the years, I never truly hated him. Not really.
There were times when I vowed that I would never see Zach again. Times when I swore to anyone who would listen that I would kill him if he ever came near me. But I never meant it. I was hurt and I was angry. He was responsible for so many of the bad things in my life, but he was still my brother. He was still my family.
Now, I wasn’t sure how to feel. The second he grabbed Paisley, all my hope vanished. I no longer wanted to search for his redeeming qualities. I no longer wished that, one day, he would apologize and we could be brothers again. For the first time, I truly hated him. I wanted to cause him pain. I wanted to make him hurt the way he’d made me hurt.
Then, he took it further. As if grabbing Paisley wasn’t enough, he had to throw that question at me like a knife. The second I heard him, I felt like my mind caved in on itself.
“Are you sure she’s your daughter?”
I fell asleep with that question in my mind. I heard it echo in my dreams. And, when I woke up the next morning, it was the first thing I thought about.
***
It was five o’clock in the morning when I woke up. It was early, way too early to be awake, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep again. My mind was too full. I thought a good night’s sleep would help me relax after the fight, but it didn’t. I was just as angry, confused, and guilty as ever. My heart and my stomach felt heavy. I thought about eating an early breakfast, but I felt too nauseated to even try.
Instead, I sat on the couch for an hour, dwelling on the past. I remembered every detail of the previous day. From talking to Tara in the conference room to storming out of the office with Paisley at my side. It all stood out clearly in my mind. I could still feel the way Zach’s nose felt as it broke against my hand. The rush of adrenaline I felt at the sight of his blood felt amazing at the time, but looking back, it only brought me more misery.
How could I have been so selfish? Paisley needed me. A stranger had just stormed into the room and yanked her up by her arm. What was I thinking? How could I not realize how much my daughter needed me in that moment? She didn’t need Tara. She didn’t need to be sent away. The last thing she needed was to be away from me, but that’s exactly what I did. I made her leave and I succumbed to the darkest parts of myself.
Sitting on the couch that morning, I had never hated myself more. When my phone rang, I glanced at the unknown number before I silenced it and threw it across the room. It rang every few minutes for a couple of hours, but I didn’t care. I soon tuned out the noise and forgot about it entirely.
As the sun began to rise, I knew I couldn’t sit on the couch all day. Paisley would wake up soon, and I would have to pretend like everything was okay. I knew it was going to be hard, and I needed to clear my head so I could be the dad she deserved.
I went out to the garage so I could work on my bike. Motorcycles had always been my comfort. Disappearing into an engine for a few hours always reminded me of who I was, who I was supposed to be. I thought if I worked on my motorcycle for a couple hours, I would be ready when Paisley woke up. I would be myself again. I would be prepared and ready to really be her dad again.
Sinking to the floor on my garage, I pulled my tools toward me and went to work on my bike. There wasn’t much to fix; I always kept it in good condition, but just the act of picking up my tools made me feel better. I instantly fell into a rhythm and forgot about the rest of the world. My mind focused on the motorcycle in front of me and nothing could change that.
Until it did. Until, after twenty minutes, Zach’s voice once again encroached on my mind.
“Are you sure she’s really your daughter?”
I forced those thoughts to the back of my mind. Of course, Paisley was my daughter. How could I even question that? Zach was just trying to get a rise out of me. He was just screwing with me in an attempt to make me lose my cool all over again.
“Are you sure she’s really your daughter?”
The grin on Zach’s face burned in my memory. I couldn’t shake it. I couldn’t forget it. It haunted me while I tightened a few bolts on the bike. I yanked the wrench violently and tried to relax.
“Are you sure she’s really your daughter?”
What could Zach have meant by that? Was there any way, any way at all, that Paisley wasn’t mine? Could Zach know something that I didn’t? Could Paisley really be someone else’s?
No. I jerked my arm away from my bike and threw the wrench across the garage. It clattered against the far wall and hit the ground with a loud slam. My heart rate picked up and my breathing became ragged. I felt just as angry as I had the day before. It was as if I was back in that conference room, staring at Zach’s bloody face.
My stomach churned uncomfortably while the waves of anger continued to roll. I wondered if Zach was telling the truth, if Paisley really wasn’t my daughter. It was insane. It was crazy to think that she wasn’t, but still. His voice nagged at the back of my mind, and I couldn’t silence it.
I was losing my cool again. Guilt followed anger, and then more anger followed the guilt. I was stuck in a vicious cycle I couldn’t escape. Paisley would be awake soon, and I was still too furious to function. What kind of father was I if I couldn’t calm down for the sake of my child? If I couldn’t pull myself together long enough to take care of my daughter?
My question answered itself. What kind of father was I? A shitty one.
Not for the first time, I questioned whether Paisley would be better off without me, whether I should have taken the police officer’s offer to place her in foster care. My old insecurities came back with a vengeance, and I remembered all the times I convinced myself Paisley was better off with Claire. I stayed away because I knew I couldn’t be a good dad, and now, here I was, proving myself right.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
Tara
I woke up early the next morning and jumped out of bed. Halfway through my shower I realized I didn’t have anywhere to go. Zach fired me. I was no longer an employee of Yates’ Motorcycles. The realization hit me hard, and I sat down in the shower, letting the warm water wash over my body. My stomach felt heavy as the memories from the day before flashed through my mind.
Zach burst through the conference room door. He grabbed Paisley and Sean ran across the room. Sean threw Zach against the wall, and I hurried to get Paisley out of the room. I made her stay in my offic
e while I returned to the conference room. Zach was lying on the floor, his face a bloody mess. Zach fired me. I left. Ray was wheeled out of the office on a stretcher, and the world around me stopped.
I could see it all happen like a movie. It didn’t feel real. I felt like I was watching the events of someone else’s life play out in front of me. It was surreal in the most awful way, and all I wanted to do was make it stop. I wanted something or someone to convince me it was all just a huge mistake. But I knew it wasn’t.
When I got out of the shower, I called Niki and asked her to come over. I knew she would. If there was anyone I could talk to in that moment, it was Niki.
“What happened?” Niki asked as she let herself in. I was sitting on the couch, wrapped in my robe. Niki hurried over and sat beside me, her eyes searching my face.
“I got fired,” I said simply.
“No,” Niki said, shaking her head. “That’s impossible.”
“It’s true,” I said.
“But why?” Niki asked. “Is it because of Sean? Because of what’s going with you two?”
“No,” I said, laughing bitterly. “No one even knows about that. Zach fired me yesterday after Sean beat the shit out of him.”
Niki’s mouth fell open, and she stared at me blankly. In all our years of friendship, I’d never once seen Niki speechless. Until now. She gaped at me, completely dumbfounded.
“It was crazy,” I said, fighting back tears. “Zach stormed into the conference room and grabbed Sean’s daughter by the arm. He yelled at Sean that the office isn’t a daycare. Then Sean threw him against the wall. Sean just lost it, you know? He saw Zach go after Paisley and just… lost it.”
“Well,” Niki said, finally finding her voice. “Of course, he did.”
“I know,” I said. “I don’t blame him. I could never blame him, but it was terrifying the way he went after Zach.”
“He was protecting his daughter,” Niki said softly.
I know,” I said again. “I know he was.”
“I still don’t understand why you were fired,” Niki said. “What does any of that have to do with you?”
“Zach was just looking for an excuse,” I said. “After his fight with Sean, he looked at me and told me to get out. I wanted to fight him on it, but I just couldn’t. Not then.”
“What did Ray say?” Niki asked.
“Nothing,” I said. “He kind of collapsed into a chair and put his head down. When Zach fired me, he didn’t say anything. I thought he was just in shock after what happened between his sons, but then an ambulance showed up and took him to the hospital.”
“What?!” Niki’s eyes widened, and she moved closer to me on the couch.
“I don’t know what happened,” I said, tears finally sliding down my face. “I thought he was just upset. I didn’t know something was actually wrong with him. If I’d known, I never would have left.”
“It’s not your fault,” Niki said quickly. “There’s no way you could have known.”
“I know,” I said.
“Do you know what’s wrong with him?” Niki asked. “Was it a heart attack or did he faint or something else?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know. I found out what hospital they took him to, but I haven’t called.”
“Why not?” Niki asked.
“Because I can’t,” I said, defeated. “Zach fired me, and I just can’t. Not after everything that happened. I’m the one who brought Sean to work at the company. It’s my fault that any of this happened. Ray wouldn’t want to see me now.”
“You don’t know that,” Niki said. “Ray isn’t Zach. He’s always treated you well.”
“I know, but still,” I said. “After that fight, why would he want to see me?”
“Because he cares about you,” Niki said simply. “And you owe it to him and to yourself to go see him.”
“Niki…” I began.
“No,” Niki shook her head firmly. “I don’t tell you what to do very often, but when I do, it’s because I know I’m right. And I am right about this, Tara. You’ll hate yourself forever if you don’t go see him. You have to find out if he’s okay.”
I looked at Niki and knew she was right. Of course, she was right. I would never be able to live with myself if something happened to Ray and I didn’t even know about it. We’d been through a lot together with the company, and he’d always been an amazing boss. Despite his relationship with Zach, I looked up to Ray. I liked Ray. And I really did want to see him.
“Okay,” I said. “You’re right. I’ll go.”
“Good,” Niki said. She smiled and wrapped her arm around my shoulders. She leaned her head against mine and sat with me until I was ready to get up. When I did, I got dressed and let Niki walk me to my car.
“I’m nervous,” I admitted as I climbed behind the wheel.
“Do you want me to go with you?” Niki asked. I knew she would.
“No,” I said. “Thank you, but no. I can do this.”
Niki nodded and said goodbye.
***
“I’m looking for Ray Yates,” I said when I walked up to the nurse’s counter.
“And you are?” the nurse asked with narrowed eyes.
“I…” I began before realizing I didn’t know what to say. “We work together.”
“Okay,” she said. “Visiting hours end in twenty minutes, so you don’t have long.”
“That’s fine,” I said.
The nurse stood up and led me down a hallway. We were almost to the end when she pointed to a room on the left.
“He’s in there,” she said. She smiled and walked back to the nurse’s station.
I stepped inside the room and looked around. It was a typical hospital room with generic curtains and an antiseptic smell. I instantly felt dizzy, but I forced myself to walk further inside. When I did, I saw Ray lying on a bed in the center of the room. His eyes were closed, and he looked older than ever.
“Ray,” I said softly. I walked up to the bed and gently touched his arm. “Ray, are you awake? It’s me, Tara.”
Ray’s eyes flickered open and fell on my face. I felt nervous, but I forced myself to smile kindly.
“Hi,” I said. “How are you feeling?”
Ray smiled. “Tara, I’m glad you’re here.”
“I wasn’t sure you’d be happy to see me,” I admitted. I pulled up a chair and sat down beside him.
“Why not?” Ray asked. His voice was weak, but he seemed alert.
“Since Zach fired me, I just thought…” I trailed off awkwardly, not sure of how to finish my thought.
“Oh.” Ray chuckled. “That.”
“Yeah,” I said. I didn’t know why he found my dismissal humorous, but my stomach burned at his laughter.
“You aren’t fired, Tara,” Ray said simply. “Zach is.”
“What?” I leaned forward. I felt sure that I’d misheard him.
“I fired Zach yesterday,” Ray said. “As soon as I woke up here, I told him he was done. He’s been poisonous to the company for far too long. I kept him on all this time in hopes that he would figure himself out and grow up, but that hasn’t happened. After yesterday… enough was enough. He’s done.”
“Wow,” I said. I blinked and tried to work through my shock. After an entire day of adjusting to the fact that I longer had a job, I found I did. Zach was fired. He was done. And me? I was still employed.
“So,” Ray said. “That means there’s something important for us to discuss.”
“What’s that?” I asked.
“Your promotion,” Ray said simply.
“Promotion?”
“Yes,” Ray said. “I want you to take over Zach’s position. We both know you’ve been doing his job for years anyway. Now it’s time to make it official.”
“I…” I sputtered. “I don’t know what to say, Ray. Thank you. Thank you so much.”
“You’ve earned it,” Ray said with a smile.
“What do you need?” I said, l
eaning forward to hold his hand. “Work isn’t important right now. Why are you here? What happened? Was it a heart attack?”
“No.” Ray shook his head. “It wasn’t a heart attack.”
“Then what happened?” I asked. I didn’t want to pry, but I needed to know.
“I’ve been sick for a while,” Ray explained. “I have an inoperable brain tumor. I didn’t want to tell anyone because I’m not one for sympathy. You know that.”
“Oh my god,” I said. “Ray, I’m so sorry.”
“No,” he said, shaking his head. “Don’t feel sorry for me. That’s not what I want.”
“Is there anything I can do for you?” I asked.
“Just do your job like you always have,” Ray said kindly. “And take care of Sean. I can’t tell you how happy I am that you brought him on. Getting to see him again before I… before this tumor gets the better of me… It’s the best gift I could have asked for.”
“That wasn’t just me,” I said. “You were the one who convinced him to do it.”
“But it was your idea,” Ray reminded me. “You are the reason I’ve been able to see my son again. Truthfully, I never thought I would. After everything that happened between him and Zach, I thought that was it for our family. When Sean came to work at the company, I hoped it would be a second chance for us all. I see now that I was mistaken. Zach… Well, he isn’t the type to change.”
“No,” I agreed. “He’s not.”
“I tried,” Ray said earnestly. “I tried for years to talk sense into him, but it never worked. I just wish I’d spent half as much time trying to fix things with Sean. If I’d been a better father to him… If I’d tried more, done more… Maybe we would have had more time together.”
Ray’s breathing was becoming heavy, and his eyelids began to droop. I knew visiting hours were ending, and I didn’t want to exhaust him. I squeezed his hand gently and smiled at him.
“You did what you could,” I said. “You tried. That’s what matters.”
“I wish that were true,” Ray said sleepily.
“It is,” I assured him. I could tell he was about to fall asleep, and I wanted to make him feel better before he did. He’d been through so much in the last few days, he didn’t deserve all the guilt he was putting on himself.