“Hey. Boy then girl, Heart says. I won the bet.” As Beef comes up alongside me, a jealousy burns in my gut at his words. Two more babies on the compound, and neither of them mine.
Shaking off his arm, which he’s rested on my shoulder, I leave him shrugging as I step away. Taking up the hose once again, I continue to keep Wraith’s wooden frame dampened down. The fire might be losing some of its intensity, but it’s still not yet time to celebrate. As I work I keep an eye on the track up from the clubhouse, wondering how long it will be before I see my Flash again.
Two hours later, she reappears, walking alongside her crewmates, still looking tired, but at least smiling again. Talking with them, gesticulating at their surroundings, clearly discussing the fire. Talking animatedly. Until she sees me. Pausing only long enough to utter just one word, “Later,” she re-joins her team and gets back on with the job.
Soon I lose sight of her, and that cold feeling becomes icy.
“Peg. You look like fuck, Brother. Go get some rest.”
“I’m okay, Prez.”
“That’s an order, Peg. The fire’s under control and fully contained. The fire chief is standin’ some of his crews down, so that’s what we’re going to do to. We’ve beaten this one, Brother.”
As I turn to my, for once smiling, prez, I realise I’d been so lost in my thoughts I hadn’t noticed there were no longer shooting flames, just smouldering trees in the distance, and the air which had been so thick with smoke you could hardly see what was in front of you, is now clearing. Ash falling less like a blizzard, now just the odd flurry.
He nods when he sees where I’m looking. “Joker and Lady have volunteered to stay here for a while and keep an eye out for any flare ups. If something happens, they’ll let us know and we can come straight back. Don’t know about you, Peg, but I’m tired and hungry.”
“Which crews?”
“What?”
“Which crews are standin’ down?” I snap out. I can’t think of food or rest when I’m worried about what my old lady has to say.
“Don’t rightly know, except the crew that helped Marcia, Captain Slade’s lot, they’re already on their way.”
As I watch through the clearer air, I see a line of firefighters making their way around the edge of what used to be the tree line, and is now burned-out forest, and over to their engines. Too far away for me to catch up. She’s gone. Without saying goodbye.
I throw down the hose that I’m holding in disgust. It writhes like a snake and water squirts up, getting Drummer’s legs soaked. He leaps back out of range. “What the fuck, Peg?”
But I ignore him, already walking away. She didn’t wait to speak to me. Her leaving without a word? Well, that makes it plain what she had to say. She just didn’t have the guts to say it to my face.
I stomp down the track, kicking rocks out of my path. Reaching my suite, I open then slam the door shut. As soon as I’m inside I realise it was a mistake. Her perfume, the memory of her is everywhere here. But I can’t go to the clubroom, I’m in no mood to be sociable, or to celebrate the birth of Heart’s fucking kids.
What’s happened? Why did she walk away from me?
Knowing I’m still trapped on this compound, I can’t even go after her to get her to explain, nor can I ring her, as the cell tower must still be out of commission. In my living room I eye a cupboard, and while there’ll be no answers inside, I’ve no better suggestion than to drink myself into oblivion and forget her. Though I doubt there’s sufficient alcohol in the world which would allow me to do that.
Raising my glass to my lips, I empty it, the spirit burning my throat. Then I repeat. And repeat. And repeat.
My first waking thought is to ask myself why the fuck I hadn’t locked my door. “Go away.”
“Peg.” The man shaking my shoulder is relentless. “Peg. Wake up, Brother.”
“Wassup?” Even if the compound was burning down around me I’ve no inclination to move.
“Come on, man. This isn’t like you.” Wraith kicks aside the empty bottle that’s lying on the couch. “Fuck, man. You didn’t even shower last night. You stink, and you’re still covered in soot.”
I didn’t. Didn’t have anyone to clean myself up for.
I lean back my head and close my eyes, hoping he’ll take the hint.
“How much you have, Peg? Never seen you like this before.”
Too much, yet not enough.
“Leave me alone, VP.”
“What’s happened, Brother?” I feel my legs being moved, then the couch dip as Wraith sits down beside me. “The last few days were fucked up. I’ll give you that. But the fire’s out, the danger has passed, and the compound survived, everyone’s safe. Oh, and Heart’s gone to the hospital to be with Marcia and the babies.” He pauses for a moment. “Fuckin’ good woman he’s got there. Delivered those kids in the middle of all that crap.”
I sit up, too quickly, and pain blasts through my head, not helping my temper. “For fuck’s sake, get out of here, Wraith. Before I do something we both regret.” I don’t want to hear about my brother or his old lady, and especially not his new babies.
When the VP stands I take it he’s going to leave. But he doesn’t. He stands a few feet away with a smirk on his face, his hands held out to his sides. “Have at me, then.”
With a roar, I get to my feet, a burning sensation telling me I’ve been wearing my prosthesis too long, but even with a real leg under me I’d still have been unsteady. The room is spinning, and as I take an ineffective swing, I stumble as my fist misses him completely.
“Yeah, just as I thought.” As I fall against him, Wraith holds me up, and with an arm around me, starts leading me out of the living area. Feeling ill, I make no protest, and it’s lucky he’s taking me to the bathroom, as I’m violently sick. Fuck. Now I’ve got vomit on my beard.
The shower starts behind me, and I stand like a child as Wraith strips my clothes off. After closing the lid, he sits me down on the toilet and removes my prosthetic leg, an action he’s well practiced with having often performed it for Sophie. He then helps me hop in and waits until I get enough balance to sit on my shower seat, which he’s placed into position for me, then hands me soap and shampoo, which I take automatically.
As I wash he folds his arms and leans back against the counter. “What the fuck’s got into you, Peg?”
I rub shower gel over my body, realising how dirty I am as black water flows down the drain. As I get the dirt and other unmentionable shit out of my hair and my beard, I begin to sober up and remember in technicolour Flash’s dismissal yesterday.
Wraith’s still patiently waiting for an answer. He’s my friend as well as my brother, so with a sigh, I give him what he wants. “She’s gone. And I don’t think she’s comin’ back.”
I hear his sharp intake of breath about the same time as I realise it’s not just water running down my cheeks. Angrily brushing my tears away, I put them down to the after effects of too much to drink. I can’t remember having cried in my life. I suppose I must have, when I was a kid—be unnatural if I didn’t. But I’ve never the fuck cried over a woman. I wash them off under the shower, and hope Wraith hasn’t noticed.
He’s yet to speak, and turning the shower off, then shaking the water out of my eyes, I risk a look in his direction. He’s got his hands over his face, slowly drawing them down. When he takes them away, he looks at me and passes me a towel.
It’s only then that he says, “Fuck, Peg. I’m sorry. Are you sure? What happened?”
“I don’t know what fuckin’ happened,” I growl. When she’d left to go on her shift it was the promise of returning, fuck, even bringing some of her clothes and at least making this her home at least on a part time basis. But yesterday she acted as if she didn’t want to know me. What had happened? What had changed?
He waves his hand between us. “We’ve been here before, remember? There was a time I got drunk out of my head because Sophie sent me away. You made me pull my head o
ut of my ass. Told me to talk to her.” As I pull myself to my foot, he moves out of the way. “So now I’m givin’ your advice back to you. Sober up and go speak to your woman.” He gives a short laugh. “They’re strange fuckin’ creatures, you never know what’s going on in their heads. Think about it. She’d been fightin’ that fire for days. She’d have been tired beyond fuckin’ measure. She might not even have been thinkin’ straight.”
Could it be that?
“I don’t know, Wraith. Something’s spooked her.”
I sit back down on the toilet seat and take out some cream, wiping it into the sore skin of my stump. Wraith’s watching carefully. “Looks nasty. Like you shouldn’t be wearin’ your prosthesis today.”
“Just pass it to me, Wraith.”
“Even Sophie knows some days she needs to use crutches.”
It’s okay for her, but I’m the sergeant-at-arms. Ignoring him, I start to rise, and he pushes me back. “Stubborn old fool, ain’t you?” But he passes me what I want.
As I strap my leg on I realise I’m sitting here naked. “Get out, Wraith, unless you haven’t had enough of seeing my junk.”
He smirks again. “Didn’t even notice something as small as that.”
I grab the towel and flick it at him, and at last he moves away, but pauses in the doorway. “You comin’ down to the clubhouse? Drum’s called church. That’s why I came to get you.”
“Yeah. Give me a bit, man.” His suggestion that I need to speak to Flash, find out what the fuck’s happened and what I can do to fix things between us, has worked to bring me out of my slump. I feel more positive than I had when I watched her walk away. After all that we’d said, there must be something that made her freak out. I’ve just got to find what it is. Then sort it. As I sit thinking about it, I think of all the shit she’d been through. Things said in the literal heat of the moment might not mean anything at all. Yeah. I’ll talk to her. Soon as church is over I’m out of here.
I won’t be telling Wraith, but he’s right. I should have left my prosthesis off today. But I walk into the clubroom making a concerted effort not to limp—it’s not in me to show any weakness. My head’s pounding, so I go to the kitchen and take some Advil out of the cupboard. I’m just washing them down with water when I hear a voice behind me.
“Well, don’t you look like shit.”
Ma. I turn, about to give her hell, when I notice she doesn’t look much better. But somehow, I doubt she went on a bender like me. Tilting my head to the side, I ask, “What’s up, Ma?” Like me, I doubt it’s very often she cries.
She shrugs and tries to look nonchalant. “My house has burned up. Nothing left.”
“Fuck, Ma.” Not that I didn’t expect it, but she must be devastated. Everything she had will have gone up in flames with it.
Another shrug. “Well, now the family will get what they want. Me moved into a retirement home.” She looks down, seems to pull herself together, and then wheels the wheelchair around the table. “You haven’t eaten, have you? There’s probably something I can heat up.”
My stomach growls, as though it heard the mention of food. I watch as Ma gets out a plate of leftover something or other and takes it to the microwave, realising I haven’t indicated that’s what I want. Suspecting she’s trying to keep herself busy, I let her get on with it. Soon I’ve got a plate of a temptingly smelling casserole of some sort put in front of me. Almost automatically, I pick up a fork and start shovelling it into my mouth while watching Ma tidying up and putting things she can reach away.
“You can rebuild,” I suggest, if it’s independence she wants.
She wheels herself over until she’s positioned opposite me. “I could, but I won’t. I’m too old, I know that. Can’t depend on Sarah to live with me anymore.”
“I don’t mind, Gramma.” The young woman herself walks into the room, leaning over to give the old woman a kiss. A gnarly hand reaches up to pat the one on her shoulder. “And we don’t know yet if it’s completely destroyed.”
“Best to expect the worst. I’ve lived long enough to know that. And you’ve got your own life to get on with.”
My mind’s racing, thinking of the construction company we own, as Sarah says, “I like living in Tucson.”
As a man comes in, and Sarah’s face lights up, I think I might just know the reason for that. Hyde. Fucking Hyde. From the smile on his face, he’s probably getting what I’m not.
Fuck it. I stand up and remember my manners. “Thanks for the food, Ma.” I take my plate to the sink, rinse it, then put it in the dishwasher.
“Church, Peg,” Hyde reminds me.
Yeah. Church. Then after that my time’s my own.
Chapter 26
Darcy
We’re tired and dirty, but also exhilarated when we arrive back at the station, knowing while it had been hard, we’d successfully fought the Snake Fire, and had come out on top. Eyeing the rest of the crew, I can see we all seem to have fared the same. Exhaustion and tiredness is written all over the faces in front of me and must be reflected in my own. I’m completely drained, no energy to do anything other than strip off my firefighter’s apparel then run through the shower. After wrapping a towel around me, I lean against the wall. The last few days have been tough, but strangely, enjoyable.
I can’t give any of this up, the camaraderie of working as part of the team, skirting the edge of danger. Be the little woman who cowers and lets men take on the battle on her behalf? That won’t be me. Ever. And Slade had dangled that prospect of promotion in front of me. Even through my tiredness, the thought quickens my heart. I know I could do it. Could become a captain, maybe progress event further. Bat Chief Cavanaugh has a nice ring to it.
At least the warm water washed away some of the stench, though the smell of smoke still seems etched into my pores. Deciding I want nothing more than to get home to my bed, I pull on my street clothes, drag my hair into a ponytail, leaving my hair to air dry, and, having worked out when I’m next due on shift, take my leave of my colleagues and friends.
“Drive carefully,” Truck warns me as I walk past him to go to my car.
“You too.” We’re all beat, getting home safe the only thing on our minds.
I take the keys out of my purse and bounce them in my hands as I walk to my car. Not a vehicle I have much love for, but a mode of transport to get me from A to B. As long as it’s reliable, that’s all that matters. The reason I’m focusing on the vehicle in front of me is to try to keep Peg and my guilt from my mind. As I walked past him without saying a word, I hadn’t missed how his eyes had glazed over with pain. I’m doing the right thing. Just maybe not the right way.
Now I’m headed home to sleep in the bed Peg had bought. The thought slams into my head, filling me with guilt and regret for the cowardly way that I’d left him. He deserved more than that.
I could have held back, my crew would have waited for a bit. But the few short moments they’d have been happy to be kept hanging around wouldn’t have been long enough to explain my feelings to Peg. It had been far easier to walk on toward the engine that would be driving us back to the city without even acknowledging that he was there. Sending him a message as clear as day. We’re over.
That I hadn’t given him a reason is bugging me now. I’d been so unfair to the man who wanted me as his old lady. Should I talk to him and explain my reasons? Or, if he doesn’t contact me, leave it how it is and make it a clean break?
I miss him already.
Opening the car door, I slide into the driver’s seat, the thoughts in my head still racing. What if I’ve made a dreadful mistake? My career and future prospects put ahead of the man I’ve been searching for all of my life.
Tears start to leak from my eyes as I pause before starting the engine, going back over why I acted as I did. Two reasons, and each would stand on their own. First to end it before outside forces would surely push us apart—I won’t be giving up my job as a firefighter, and daren’t put it at risk becaus
e of a whirlwind relationship. The second, even more powerful, I won’t be sidelined like the other women, and that’s what Peg would want to do. Peg would want to keep me safe and out of danger, while my natural inclination is to rush straight in, fighting alongside the men.
At last I start the car and put it into drive. When I exit the parking lot I see Truck’s big truck closing in behind me, his indicator flashing the same way as mine. It seems like once again he intends to follow me home. I give a small smile, in the dark of the night it feels good to have company, even if it’s only headlights in my rearview.
I drive on automatic pilot, trying to focus my mind on anything but the man I just left, not wanting to continually double think my decision. Instead I think of Marcia and the delivery of her babies, mentally listing insignificant things like taking some flowers to her and finding out how she is. The I dismiss even that notion. What if Peg was visiting at the same time?
It wouldn’t take much for me to weaken, and now that my mind’s made up, I need to keep to my resolve. One man isn’t worth the loss of myself—my identity and what I’ve worked so hard for. Seeing him again might be too great a temptation.
That bed he bought is going to remind me. Maybe I should spend the night on the couch? But even that holds memories. Peg’s presence in my house is going to be hard to eradicate, and while his ghost roams my home, he’ll still be haunting my head.
The headlights behind me are flashing, then they flash again more urgently. Shit. Have I got a light out or something? Why didn’t Truck call me? It’s then I realise, my phone, neglected while I was fighting the wildfire, is probably dead.
I’m coming up to a vacant lot where there’s some kind of construction work going on, so signal my intention and pull to the side of the road. Truck parks up behind me but doesn’t turn his headlights off. I get out, blinded by the glaring light and go to check the back of my car. I hear a door open, but intent on trying to see what’s wrong, don’t turn around, and just call out.
“Truck? Why did you want me to stop? Are my brake lights not working?” The rear lights seem fine.
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