by Andy Bain
Personally, I have always appreciated our dazzling brio in concocting brilliant and daring plots to eliminate political miscreants. I particularly enjoyed our attempt to assassinate Patrice Lumumba, the first democratically elected Prime Minister of the Congo, by poisoning a tube of his toothpaste.
I am also a great admirer of our numerous attempts to bump off Fidel Castro. Poison fountain pens, poisoning his cigars with botulinum bacillus and spraying his TV studio with LSD are just some of the ingenious attempts we have made on his life. Lacing the crotch of his wetsuit with thallium salts to make his hair fall out and thus render him ridiculous was also inspired.
The exploding conch shell and JFK’s use of the Mafia to simply pump Castro full of lead, I am not so keen on. No class, I am sure you will agree, General.
As the US Senate Church Committee observed, “The proposed assassination devices ran the gamut from high-powered rifles to poison pills, poison pens, deadly bacterial powders and other devices which strain the imagination.”
So, I certainly hope that it is not only the Russians who are experimenting with Plutonium 210 as an aid to efficient espionage.
Bantz, although you obviously must maintain ‘plausible deniability’ I think most Americans understand that in the rough world of realpolitik it is sometimes necessary to take the gloves off.
General, please find enclosed $20 towards dealing with Chavez!
Sincerely yours,
Andy Bain
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139 Elm Park Mansions
Charlotte, NC 28262
02 January 2007
General John M. Shalikashvili US (Ret.)
Center for International Security and Cooperation
616 Serra St. E200
Stanford University
Stanford, CA 94305-6055
Dear General Shalikashvili,
I read with great interest your iconoclastic article in this morning’s NYTs.
You boldly said, “I now believe that if gay men and lesbians served openly in the US military, they would not undermine the efficacy of the armed forces. Our military has been stretched thin by our deployments in the Middle East, and we must welcome the service of any American who is willing and able to do the job.”
Bravo John. Well said.
General, one question if I may?
I understand that we need a futile surge in Iraq but surely there are unlikely to be enough gay people daft enough to become pink cannon fodder?
However, you are the International Security Strategist, not me.
Please find enclosed $20, which I hope you will use in your campaign to recruit gullible gay grunts.
Sincerely yours,
Andy Bain
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3500Amaranthus Ct.
Charlotte, NC 28269
Sunday, 27 April, 2008
Frederick W. Kagan
American Enterprise Institute
1150 Seventeenth Street, N.W.
Washington, DC 20036
Dear Dr. Kagan,
This morning I had the great pleasure of perusing, in the ‘Weekly Standard’, your rousing article, “How We'll Know When We've Won - A definition of success in Iraq.”
It cheered me up to realize that we have such a percipient military analyst ruminating about this perplexing question.
Later, perhaps unwisely, I persuaded my daughter to read your piece.
She launched into a hysterical rant, shouting, “How will this moron know when we have lost? After six years there are a million Iraqis dead, four million displaced refugees, over four thousand U.S. soldiers dead and thirty thousand wounded. The Green Zone is taking incoming mortar fire almost every day and it is still lethal to try to drive to the airport. Iraq is a hell disaster and the vast majority of Americans don’t support the war and want the troops to come home.
How much worse will it have to get before chicken- hawk cretins like Kagan finally get it? How many more young soldiers is he willing to feed into the meat grinder? Will two million dead Iraqis be enough for this armchair warrior to admit that we may not be winning?”
Frederick, this verbal torrent has somewhat discombobulated me. How will we know when we have lost?
This question has been troubling me all day.
Could you drop me a line in the enclosed SAE saying at what point you would be prepared to throw in the towel and accept defeat? I have enclosed $20 towards your costs.
Thanking you in advance.
Support Mr Cheney and Mr Bush
Sincerely
Andy Bain
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American Enterprise Institute for Public Policy Research
AEI
Andy Bain
139 Elm Park Mansions
Charlotte, NC 28269
Dear Mr Bain,
Thank you for your interest in Dr Kagan’s work. As a non-profit, we cannot accept payment for specific research work production requests. I have enclosed your original bill.
Sincerely,
Charlie Szrom
(Signed) Charlie Szrom
American Enterprise Institute
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139 Elm Park Mansions
Charlotte, NC 28262
30 May 2006
William J. Jefferson
2113 Rayburn House Office Building
Washington, DC 20515
Dear Congressman Jefferson,
Nil Illegitimus Carborundum!!
I have been following your story and the disgraceful persecution of you by the ‘so-called’ free press and am disgusted by the blatant unfairness of your treatment.
As you say, “there are two sides to every story” and a man is innocent until proved guilty in the USA?
William, I enclose $20 towards your defense costs.
The prurient stories of being filmed accepting $100,000 in a car park and the FBI finding, during a raid, $90,000 in your freezer may make the headlines but prove nothing!
When I look into your eyes on TV, boldly stating that you refuse to answer the impertinent questions of the reptiles of the media pack, I sense an honest man!
Chin-up William, the fate of Randy Duke Cunningham is not yours.
Sincerely yours,
Andy Bain
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139 Elm Park Mansions.
Charlotte, NC 28269
July 18, 2008
Congressman Robert Wexler
2500 North Military Trail
Suite 490
Boca Raton, FL 33431
Dear Representative Wexler,
Just read your new book, ‘Fire-Breathing Liberal – How I Learned To Survive (And Thrive) In The Contact Sport Of Congress’ and had to drop you a line to say, bravo!
Like most people I only knew you as that crazy guy who went on ‘The Colbert Report’ and was hoodwinked into uttering the preposterous line, “I enjoy cocaine because it is a fun thing to do” and then the even more wildly inappropriate, “I enjoy the company of prostitutes because it’s a fun thing to do…If you combine the two together, it’s probably even more fun.”
Congressman, the nation found your shenanigans buttock-clenchingly embarrassing but at least you did not suffer the humiliating fate of Georgia Republican (and religious nut) Lynn Westmoreland who had sponsored a bill requiring the display of the Ten Commandments in both the House and Senate but when asked by Colbert to, “Name the Ten Commandments” the moron could come up with only three!!
One tiny criticism? On page 138 you draw attention to, “Republican congressman Randy ‘Duke’ Cunningham [who] went to jail for accepting millions of dollars in bribes” and “Democratic congressman William Jefferson of Louisiana [who] was indicted after ninety thousand dollars in cash was found in his freezer”.
Robert, is it wise to even mention these scandals? We already know about Florida Republican congressman Mark Foley sending sexually explicit text messages to underage congressional pages; homophobic Republican Senator Larry
Craig busted for soliciting a cop in a public toilet; David Vitter a client of the "D.C. Madam's prostitution service; congressman Bob Ney now inmate 28882-016 in the Federal Correctional Institution, Morgantown; etc., etc. ad infinitum.
The revolting impression is conveyed that Congress is a cross between a raucous, low-life, bawdyhouse and an open asylum!
Once again congratulations on the book.
Sincerely
Andy Bain
PS Could you slip the enclosed $20, for legal expenses, to congressman Jefferson the next time you see him on the floor. I think he is being persecuted.
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139 Elm Park Mansions
Charlotte, NC 28262
16 May 2006
Stephen J. Hadley
Assistant to the President for National Security
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500
Dear Mr Hadley,
Has anyone drawn your attention to the scurrilous lies laid against you in James Bamford’s disgraceful book, ‘Pretext for War’?
On page 370 Bamford relates how in Colin Powell’s preparation for his presentation to the UN Security Council the Secretary of State insisted that, “the discredited connections between Saddam Hussein and the 9/11 attacks, and meetings between hijacker Mohamed Atta and an Iraqi intelligence official in Prague, Czech Republic” be cut. “…the Secretary actually threw the paper down on the table and said, ‘I’m not saying that.’ “
Bamford’s next paragraph is the real poison, he writes:
“Even after Powell threw material out, it would occasionally be quietly put back in. ‘one of the most outrageous ones was the Mohamed Atta meeting in Prague…Steve Hadley on one occasion [put] it back in…the Secretary said,
“I thought I cut this?”
And Hadley looked around and said, ‘My fault, Mr Secretary, I put it back in.’
‘Well, cut it permanently!’ yelled Powell.”
Stephen, I am sure you appreciate how damaging this is. Bamford portrays you as a sneaky, manipulative, dishonest scoundrel.
As a lawyer I am certain you will sue. I enclose $20 towards your legal costs. (A modest contribution - I wish I could send you more but I am currently unemployed)
For Truth and Honesty in US politics.
Support the President
Sincerely yours,
Andy Bain
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139 Elm Park Mansions
Charlotte, NC 28262
31 May 2006
Admiral John D. Hutson (Ret.)
President & Dean
Franklin Pierce Law Center
Two White Street
Concord, NH 03301-603.228.1541
Dear Admiral Hutson,
I watched your informative appearance of CNNs ‘Situation Room’ yesterday with Wolf Blitzer discussing the massacre in Haditha.
I was watching with my daughter. When you declared that if any marines were found guilty they would be punished, “or even executed” She fired her soda violently up through her nose and guffawed uproariously for ten minutes.
She is only twenty and is totally ignorant of our country’s great history and record in punishing the crimes committed by our soldiers. I told her that after the My Lai massacre in Vietnam where between 347 - 504 unarmed men, women and children had been slaughtered, some tortured and raped, by US soldiers we executed plenty of the ‘Butchers Brigade’.
My daughter demanded chapter and verse. So I did a little research on Google and was flabbergasted to find that only Lieutenant Calley was convicted and he only served three and a half years of house arrest. I could find no other incident of US soldiers being executed for killing civilians but, I told my daughter, I am certain a former military prosecutor wouldn’t have gone on CNN and given the impression that execution is a possibility if there had never been a previous case.
My daughter says, “I am a poor dupe to believe any US soldier has or ever will be executed for slaughtering ‘gooks’ or ‘ragheads’.”
Admiral, were you only suggesting a hypothetical outcome or have we ever actually punished murderous malfeasance by our troops?
I enclose a stamped addressed envelope. Hope you can put me straight.
Sincerely yours,
Andy Bain
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Admiral Hutson’s Reply (Scribbled on my original letter):
I was speaking hypothetically. It is a capital offense and execution is authorized. As a practical matter, I’d be surprised if in this day and age execution would actually be approved. Historically, we have seldom executed military personnel - none since war II
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139 Elm Park Mansions.
Charlotte, NC 28269
20 July, 2008
Peter Sagal (Host) Wait, Wait…Don’t Tell Me
Chicago Public Radio – WBEZ 91.5 FM
848 East Grand Ave.
Navy Pier
Chicago, IL 60611
Dear Mr. Sagal,
Can I commend your boisterously witty program ‘Wait, Wait…’ specifically this week’s superlative edition. I listened on National Public Radio (NPR) while driving with my sister. I laughed so hard at the ‘opening panel round’ that I think I have pulled something in my groin! It went like this:
“US interrogators have been using pop music by Eminem and Neil Diamond to torture prisoners at Guantanamo Bay (Laughter) It appears that the US may have engaged in illegal activities at GITMO and violated international laws because they didn’t do what?”
“Take requests (loud Laughter) this is going out to Ahmed from the boys in cell block five…Seasons in the Sun by Terry Jack (sustained Laughter)
Female voice singing and breaking up in mirth, “We had Joy, we had sun…’ (prolonged demonic cackling).
“Hint: They might be violating code II of the ASCAP Convention”
“They didn’t pay royalties to the guys whose songs they used”
“Right” (hysterical Laughter)
“For the past few years the interrogators at GITMO have been playing pop songs on an endless loop to get the inmates to crack but if you’re going to blindfold and tie-up prisoners in confined spaces without legal representation and force them to listen to Celine Dion on endless loops you better make sure you’re not violating the part of the Geneva Convention which protects Celine Dion’s basic royalty rights” (moronic tittering)
Same female voice “The worst part is if they don’t pay, Celine Dion is gonna go down there and play LIVE!! (extended uncontrolled laughter)
My sister had pulled the car over and was sitting with her head on the steering wheel. She groaned, “Has our country descended, so quickly, to this, that a bunch unspeakable f—kwits on NPR can chortle and snigger about the fact that we are wantonly torturing human beings in US gulags?”
My sister is a bleeding heart pinko with zero sense of humor. The fact that the prisoners are handcuffed in stress positions for hours with bags over their heads only makes it funnier in my opinion.
My sister usually donates to NPR every time you have a fund drive but I think you can whistle for her contributions from now on. In the circumstances please find enclosed $20, from me, towards your hilarious endeavors.
Sincerely
Andy Bain
PS Peter, any chance of a signed Photo?
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HEADED NOTEPAPER
Wait, wait…Don’t tell me ! - c/o Chicago Public Radio
The Oddly Informative News Quiz - Navy Pier, 8484 E Grand Ave
http://www.npr.org - Chicago, IL 60611
NPR Wait, Wait…Don’t tell me!
Monday, July 28, 2008
Mr. Andy Bain
3500 Amaranthus Court
Charlotte, NC 28269
Mr. Bain:
Thanks for your note and contribution, but I’m afraid NPR rules forbid me from taking tips. I would suggest contributing the amount to you
r local public radio station, or any other cause you support.
Best,
(Signed) Peter Sagal
Peter Sagal - Enc. $2
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139 Elm Park Mansions
Charlotte, NC 28269
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Richard Perle
The Jewish Institute for National Security Affairs
1779 Massachusetts Ave., NW, Suite 515
Washington, D.C. 20036
Dear Richard,
I recently borrowed, from my library, the inspiring book you co-authored with David Frum, ‘An End to Evil – How to win the war on Terror’.
After devouring the book I looked up some of the reviews that appeared when it was published.
I was horrified to read the hatchet job in the New York Times by one Michiko Kakutani. He wrote:
“[The title] captures the authors' absolutist, Manichaean language and worldview; their cocky know-it-all tone; their swaggering insinuation that they know ''how to win the war on terror'' and that readers, the Bush administration and the rest of the world had better listen to them.”
“Making its points with all the subtlety of a pit bull on steroids, ''An End to Evil'' is smug, shrill and deliberately provocative.”
"points tend to be drowned out by their triumphalist boasts… their macho posturing and their willful, flame-throwing language.”
“Such contradictions, combined with the volume's bullying tone and often specious reasoning, make for a strident, sophistical book, one unlikely to persuade anyone who doesn't already share the authors' super-hawkish views and self-righteous braggadocio.”
Richard, did you sue this Kakutani guy? Did you protest to the NYTs?
Sincerely
Andy Bain
PS Any chance of a signed photo for my desk? I enclose a SAE and $20 in case you can oblige.
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Hand Written Note from Mr. Perle’s Amanuensis
Andy Bain
Mr. Perle says thank you for your kind remarks and to please hold on to your $20.
Enc. $20 and photo of youthful Richard Perle
Signed:
For Andy Bain
With best Wishes –
Richard Perle
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139 Elm Park Mansions
Charlotte, NC 28269
July 22, 2008
Richard Perle
The Jewish Institute for National Security Affairs
1779 Massachusetts Ave., NW, Suite 515
Washington, D.C. 20036
Dear Mr. Perle,
Many thanks for returning my $20 and for the handsome, signed snap of you as a very young fellow!