JOEY. Oh, no. Not over the Scrubs. Well, the police would have noticed us there … you see. We took them over a bombed site.
LENNY. Rubble. In the rubble.
JOEY. Yes, plenty of rubble.
Pause.
Well … you know … then we had them.
LENNY. You’ve missed out the best bit. He’s missed out the best bit!
JOEY. What bit?
LENNY (to TEDDY). His bird says to him, I don’t mind, she says, but I’ve got to have some protection. I’ve got to have some contraceptive protection. I haven’t got any contraceptive protection, old Joey says to her. In that case I won’t do it, she says. Yes you will, says Joey, never mind about the contraceptive protection.
LENNY laughs.
Even my bird laughed when she heard that. Yes, even she gave out a bit of a laugh. So you can’t say old Joey isn’t a bit of a knockout when he gets going, can you? And here he is upstairs with your wife for two hours and he hasn’t even been the whole hog. Well, your wife sounds like a bit of a tease to me, Ted. What do you make of it, Joey? You satisfied? Don’t tell me you’re satisfied without going the whole hog?
Pause.
JOEY. I’ve been the whole hog plenty of times. Sometimes … you can be happy … and not go the whole hog. Now and again … you can be happy … without going any hog.
LENNY stares at him.
MAX and SAM come in the front door and into the room.
MAX. Where’s the whore? Still in bed? She’ll make us all animals.
LENNY. The girl’s a tease.
MAX. What?
LENNY. She’s had Joey on a string.
MAX. What do you mean?
TEDDY. He had her up there for two hours and he didn’t go the whole hog.
Pause.
MAX. My Joey? She did that to my boy?
Pause.
To my youngest son? Tch, tch, tch, tch. How you feeling, son? Are you all right?
JOEY. Sure I’m all right.
MAX (to TEDDY). Does she do that to you, too?
TEDDY. No
LENNY. He gets the gravy.
MAX. You think so?
JOEY. No he don’t.
Pause.
SAM. He’s her lawful husband. She’s his lawful wife.
JOEY. No he don’t! He don’t get no gravy! I’m telling you. I’m telling all of you. I’ll kill the next man who says he gets the gravy.
MAX. Joey … what are you getting so excited about? (To LENNY.) It’s because he’s frustrated. You see what happens?
JOEY. Who is?
MAX. Joey. No one’s saying you’re wrong. In fact everyone’s saying you’re right.
Pause.
MAX turns to the others.
You know something? Perhaps it’s not a bad idea to have a woman in the house. Perhaps it’s a good thing. Who knows? Maybe we should keep her.
Pause.
Maybe we’ll ask her if she wants to stay.
Pause.
TEDDY. I’m afraid not, Dad. She’s not well, and we’ve got to get home to the children.
MAX. Not well? I told you, I’m used to looking after people who are not so well. Don’t worry about that. Perhaps we’ll keep her here.
Pause.
SAM. Don’t be silly.
MAX. What’s silly?
SAM. You’re talking rubbish.
MAX. Me?
SAM. She’s got three children.
MAX. She can have more! Here. If she’s so keen.
TEDDY. She doesn’t want any more.
MAX. What do you know about what she wants, eh, Ted?
TEDDY (smiling). The best thing for her is to come home with me, Dad. Really. We’re married, you know.
MAX walks about the room, clicks his fingers.
MAX. We’d have to pay her, of course. You realize that? We can’t leave her walking about without any pocket money. She’ll have to have a little allowance.
JOEY. Of course we’ll pay her. She’s got to have some money in her pocket.
MAX. That’s what I’m saying. You can’t expect a woman to walk about without a few bob to spend on a pair of stockings.
Pause.
LENNY. Where’s the money going to come from?
MAX. Well, how much is she worth? What we talking about, three figures?
LENNY. I asked you where the money’s going to come from. It’ll be an extra mouth to feed. It’ll be an extra body to clothe. You realize that?
JOEY. I’ll buy her clothes.
LENNY. What with?
JOEY. I’ll put in a certain amount out of my wages.
MAX. That’s it. We’ll pass the hat round. We’ll make a donation. We’re all grown-up people, we’ve got a sense of responsibility. We’ll all put a little in the hat. It’s democratic.
LENNY. It’ll come to a few quid, Dad.
Pause.
I mean, she’s not a woman who likes walking around in second-hand goods. She’s up to the latest fashion. You wouldn’t want her walking about in clothes which don’t show her off at her best, would you?
MAX. Lenny, do you mind if I make a little comment? It’s not meant to be critical. But I think you’re concentrating too much on the economic considerations. There are other considerations. There are the human considerations. You understand what I mean? There are the human considerations. Don’t forget them.
LENNY. I won’t.
MAX. Well don’t.
Pause.
Listen, we’re bound to treat her in something approximating, at least, to the manner in which she’s accustomed. After all, she’s not someone off the street, she’s my daughter-in-law!
JOEY. That’s right.
MAX. There you are, you see. Joey’ll donate, Sam’ll donate. …
SAM looks at him.
I’ll put a few bob out of my pension, Lenny’ll cough up. We’re laughing. What about you, Ted? How much you going to put in the kitty?
TEDDY. I’m not putting anything in the kitty.
MAX. What? You won’t even help to support your own wife? You lousy stinkpig. Your mother would drop dead if she heard you take that attitude.
LENNY. Eh, Dad.
LENNY walks forward.
I’ve got a better idea.
MAX. What?
LENNY. There’s no need for us to go to all this expense. I know these women. Once they get started they ruin your budget. I’ve got a better idea. Why don’t I take her up with me to Greek Street?
Pause.
MAX. You mean put her on the game?
Pause.
We’ll put her on the game. That’s a stroke of genius, that’s a marvellous idea. You mean she can earn the money herself – on her back?
LENNY. Yes.
MAX. Wonderful. The only thing is, it’ll have to be short hours. We don’t want her out of the house all night.
LENNY. I can limit the hours.
MAX. How many?
LENNY. Four hours a night.
MAX (dubiously). Is that enough?
LENNY. She’ll bring in a good sum for four hours a night.
MAX. Well, you should know. After all, it’s true, the last thing we want to do is wear the girl out. She’s going to have her obligations this end as well. Where you going to put her in Greek Street?
LENNY. It doesn’t have to be right in Greek Street, Dad. I’ve got a number of flats all around that area.
MAX. You have? Well, what about me? Why don’t you give me one?
LENNY. You’re sexless.
JOEY. Eh, wait a minute, what’s all this?
MAX. I know what Lenny’s saying. Lenny’s saying she can pay her own way. What do you think, Teddy? That’ll solve all our problems.
JOEY. Eh, wait a minute. I don’t want to share her.
MAX. What did you say?
JOEY. I don’t want to share her with a lot of yobs!
MAX. Yobs! You arrogant git! What arrogance. (To LENNY.) Will you be supplying her with yobs?
LENNY. I’ve got a v
ery distinguished clientele, Joey. They’re more distinguished than you’ll ever be.
MAX. So you can count yourself lucky we’re including you in.
JOEY. I didn’t think I was going to have to share her!
MAX. Well, you are going to have to share her! Otherwise she goes straight back to America. You understand?
Pause.
It’s tricky enough as it is, without you shoving your oar in. But there’s something worrying me. Perhaps she’s not so up to the mark. Eh? Teddy, you’re the best judge. Do you think she’d be up to the mark?
Pause.
I mean what about all this teasing? Is she going to make a habit of it? That’ll get us nowhere.
Pause.
TEDDY. It was just love play … I suppose … that’s all I suppose it was.
MAX. Love play? Two bleeding hours? That’s a bloody long time for love play!
LENNY. I don’t think we’ve got anything to worry about on that score, Dad.
MAX. How do you know?
LENNY. I’m giving you a professional opinion.
LENNY goes to TEDDY.
LENNY. Listen, Teddy, you could help us, actually. If I were to send you some cards, over to America … you know, very nice ones, with a name on, and a telephone number, very discreet, well, you could distribute them … to various parties, who might be making a trip over here. Of course, you’d get a little percentage out of it.
MAX. I mean, you needn’t tell them she’s your wife.
LENNY. No, we’d call her something else. Dolores, or something.
MAX. Or Spanish Jacky.
LENNY. No, you’ve got to be reserved about it, Dad. We could call her something nice … like Cynthia … or Gillian.
Pause.
JOEY. Gillian.
Pause.
LENNY. No, what I mean, Teddy, you must know lots of professors, heads of departments, men like that. They pop over here for a week at the Savoy, they need somewhere they can go to have a nice quiet poke. And of course you’d be in a position to give them inside information.
MAX. Sure. You can give them proper data. I bet you before two months we’d have a waiting list.
LENNY. You could be our representative in the States.
MAX. Of course. We’re talking in international terms! By the time we’ve finished Pan-American’ll give us a discount.
Pause.
TEDDY. She’d get old … very quickly.
MAX. No … not in this day and age! With the health service? Old! How could she get old? She’ll have the time of her life.
RUTH comes down the stairs, dressed.
She comes into the room.
She smiles at the gathering, and sits.
Silence.
TEDDY. Ruth … the family have invited you to stay, for a little while longer. As a … as a kind of guest. If you like the idea I don’t mind. We can manage very easily at home … until you come back.
RUTH. How very nice of them.
Pause.
MAX. It’s an offer from our heart.
RUTH. It’s very sweet of you.
MAX. Listen … it would be our pleasure.
Pause.
RUTH. I think I’d be too much trouble.
MAX. Trouble? What are you talking about? What trouble? Listen, I’ll tell you something. Since poor Jessie died, eh, Sam? we haven’t had a woman in the house. Not one. Inside this house. And I’ll tell you why. Because their mother’s image was so dear any other woman would have … tarnished it. But you … Ruth … you’re not only lovely and beautiful, but you’re kin. You’re kith. You belong here.
Pause.
RUTH. I’m very touched.
MAX. Of course you’re touched. I’m touched.
Pause.
TEDDY. But Ruth, I should tell you … that you’ll have to pull your weight a little, if you stay. Financially. My father isn’t very well off.
RUTH (to MAX). Oh, I’m sorry.
MAX. No, you’d just have to bring in a little, that’s all. A few pennies. Nothing much. It’s just that we’re waiting for Joey to hit the top as a boxer. When Joey hits the top … well …
Pause.
TEDDY. Or you can come home with me.
LENNY. We’d get you a flat.
Pause.
RUTH. A flat?
LENNY. Yes.
RUTH. Where?
LENNY. In town.
Pause.
But you’d live here, with us.
MAX. Of course you would. This would be your home. In the bosom of the family.
LENNY. You’d just pop up to the flat a couple of hours a night, that’s all.
MAX. Just a couple of hours, that’s all. That’s all.
LENNY. And you make enough money to keep you going here.
Pause.
RUTH. How many rooms would this flat have?
LENNY. Not many.
RUTH. I would want at least three rooms and a bathroom.
LENNY. You wouldn’t need three rooms and a bathroom.
MAX. She’d need a bathroom.
LENNY. But not three rooms.
Pause.
RUTH. Oh, I would. Really.
LUNNY. Two would do.
RUTH. No. Two wouldn’t be enough.
Pause.
I’d want a dressing-room, a rest-room, and a bedroom.
Pause.
LENNY. All right, we’ll get you a flat with three rooms and a bathroom.
RUTH. With what kind of conveniences?
LENNY. All conveniences.
RUTH. A personal maid?
LENNY. Of course.
Pause.
We’d finance you, to begin with, and then, when you were established, you could pay us back, in instalments.
RUTH. Oh, no, I wouldn’t agree to that.
LENNY. Oh, why not?
RUTH. You would have to regard your original outlay simply as a capital investment.
Pause.
LENNY. I see. All right.
RUTH. You’d supply my wardrobe, of course?
LENNY. We’d supply everything. Everything you need.
RUTH. I’d need an awful lot. Otherwise I wouldn’t be content.
LENNY. You’d have everything.
RUTH. I would naturally want to draw up an inventory of everything I would need, which would require your signatures in the presence of witnesses.
LENNY. Naturally.
RUTH. All aspects of the agreement and conditions of employment would have to be clarified to our mutual satisfaction before we finalized the contract.
LENNY. Of course.
Pause.
RUTH. Well, it might prove a workable arrangement.
LENNY. I think so.
MAX. And you’d have the whole of your daytime free, of course. You could do a bit of cooking here if you wanted to.
LENNY. Make the beds.
MAX. Scrub the place out a bit.
TEDDY. Keep everyone company.
SAM comes forward.
SAM (in one breath). MacGregor had Jessie in the back of my cab as I drove them along.
He croaks and collapses.
He lies still.
They look at him.
MAX. What’s he done? Dropped dead?
LENNY. Yes.
MAX. A corpse? A corpse on my floor? Get him out of here! Clear him out of here!
JOEY bends over SAM.
JOEY. He’s not dead.
LENNY. He probably was dead, for about thirty seconds.
MAX. He’s not even dead!
LENNY looks down at SAM.
LENNY. Yes, there’s still some breath there.
MAX (pointing at SAM). You know what that man had?
LENNY. Has.
MAX. Has! A diseased imagination.
Pause.
RUTH. Yes, it sounds a very attractive idea.
MAX. Do you want to shake on it now, or do you want to leave it till later?
RUTH. Oh, we’ll leave it till later.
TEDDY stands.
He looks down at SAM.
TEDDY. I was going to ask him to drive me to London Airport.
He goes to the cases, picks one up.
Well, I’ll leave your case, Ruth. I’ll just go up the road to the Underground.
MAX. Listen, if you go the other way, first left, first right, you remember, you might find a cab passing there.
TEDDY. Yes, I might do that.
MAX. Or you can take the tube to Piccadilly Circus, won’t take you ten minutes, and pick up a cab from there out to the Airport.
TEDDY. Yes, I’ll probably do that.
MAX. Mind you, they’ll charge you double fare. They’ll charge you for the return trip. It’s over the six-mile limit.
TEDDY. Yes. Well, bye-bye, Dad. Look after yourself.
They shake hands.
MAX. Thanks, son. Listen. I want to tell you something. It’s been wonderful to see you.
Pause.
TEDDY. It’s been wonderful to see you.
MAX. Do your boys know about me? Eh? Would they like to see a photo, do you think, of their grandfather?
TEDDY. I know they would.
MAX brings out his wallet.
MAX. I’ve got one on me. I’ve got one here. Just a minute. Here you are. Will they like that one?
TEDDY (taking it). They’ll be thrilled.
He turns to LENNY.
Good-bye, Lenny.
They shake hands.
LENNY. Ta-ta, Ted. Good to see you. Have a good trip.
TEDDY. Bye-bye, Joey.
JOEY does not move.
JOEY. Ta-ta.
TEDDY goes to the front door.
RUTH. Eddie.
TEDDY turns.
Pause.
Don’t become a stranger.
TEDDY goes, shuts the front door.
Silence.
The three men stand.
RUTH sits relaxed on her chair.
SAM lies still.
JOEY walks slowly across the room.
He kneels at her chair.
She touches his head, lightly.
He puts his head in her lap.
MAX begins to move above them, backwards and forwards.
LENNY stands still.
MAX turns to LENNY.
MAX. I’m too old, I suppose. She thinks I’m an old man.
Pause.
I’m not such an old man.
Pause.
(To RUTH.) You think I’m too old for you?
Pause.
Listen. You think you’re just going to get that big slag all the time? You think you’re just going to have him … you’re going to just have him all the time? You’re going to have to work! You’ll have to take them on, you understand?
Pause.
Does she realize that?
Harold Pinter Plays 3 Page 6