Sighing, he headed outside, figuring that if he didn’t sit down, but only stood, he wouldn’t look as desperate.
As he stared at the long dirt road leading into the silo, he impatiently waited to see the plume of dust signaling a car coming. Nervous butterflies fluttered in his stomach as he continued pacing. The urgency to see Sophia and Megan almost overrode his fear of the future.
He stopped in his tracks and stared down at the ground.
Fear.
Holy shit, he was absolutely terrified of that baby growing in Sophia’s stomach, of what it could do to her, to them, to everyone on this planet.
Blake, I want you to think about why you’re angry. Really consider it.
He looked up and saw the cloud of dust he’d been searching for, and realized that he hadn’t really been mad—he’d been scared.
Fear had driven his diatribe against Sophia, not anger. At his core, if they could have children together and they didn’t have a high likelihood of being a serial killer, he realized he’d do it in a heartbeat.
He hadn’t really been afraid of anything in his life, except his father. Sure, some things, like rescuing Jovan, or living on the streets as a teen, had been dicey, but he’d never felt stark fear as he did now. His father had terrorized him so badly, he now couldn’t even become afraid of someone pointing a gun at him.
As the car pulled up, tears stung his eyes, leaving him not knowing if his realization had been a good thing or a bad thing. When he rubbed his chest, his heart ached with love for his mate and their daughter, but also with a bit of pity for himself. He wished he didn’t have to be so fucked up. He tried so hard to be normal, but it proved difficult. However, that’s what Sophia gave him—a feeling of belonging, and she loved him for who he was.
Except when he acted like a dick.
Megan jumped out of the backseat and ran to him. “Blake!”
The tears spilled over as he caught her in mid-air and held her tightly. Jesus. He never cried, but he couldn’t seem to stop the waterworks. Burying his head in her corkscrew curls, he inhaled deeply, loving her innocent smell.
Glancing up, he saw Sophia approaching. He moved Megan to one arm, and held out his other. She slipped her arms around his waist and he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. Kissing her cheek, he couldn’t speak. His throat felt as though he had a large wad of cotton stuck in it, and the damn tears … they just wouldn’t stop.
Sophia gripped him tightly, and in the back of his mind, he recognized Alaina’s footsteps on the stairway up to the silo.
He held his girls firmly in place against him, never wanting to let them go.
After a moment, Sophia looked up at him and gently wiped a tear about to tumble off his chin.
Megan smashed his cheeks together, and then kissed his lips. “I missed you, Blake. Why are you crying?”
Taking a deep breath, he finally calmed his emotions. “Because I never, ever want to be separated from my girls again. I missed you so much, Princess.”
He leaned down and kissed Sophia, feeling a little bad about the snot dripping from his nose. “And you, too, Sophia. I … I can’t even begin to tell you—”
The damn tears started up again.
Megan squirmed out of his grasp and ran into the silo. Sophia grinned at him, then wiped his face with both of her hands. “Are you ready to talk?”
He nodded. “Yes. I’m ready to talk.”
“I’m scared to death of that baby, Sophia.”
She lay next to him in bed, a light sheen of sweat settling on her brow from their lovemaking. Of course he’d wanted to get inside his woman the second they were alone, but he’d refrained, allowing her to make the first move. Thankfully, it had taken all of the count of five after the bedroom door closed behind him for it to happen. He briefly thought about stopping her as she gripped his hair and pulled him down for a kiss, but the way he figured it, he had to please his mate.
No more jacking off in the shower for him.
She palmed his cheek and smiled. “I know you are, and I understand why.”
He gazed up at the ceiling, trying to find the words to help her appreciate his state of mind. “I’ve told you a little bit about my father, but I haven’t told you the really bad stuff.”
She perched up on her elbow. “Why not?”
Not able to look at her, he kept his stare focused on the ceiling. “I guess I wanted to protect you, and I didn't want to scare you. I didn't want you think I could be like him.”
A beat of silence ensued. “What did he do, Blake?”
He sighed. It was tough dredging up old memories that he had locked away. “Well, when I was eleven, we were having dinner together. My mom told him that I had a sex-ed class coming up the next week. He bent her over the table and raped her right there in front of me, and told me that was all I needed to know.”
She gasped as the pain gripped his chest. He never understood why his mom hadn’t been strong enough to leave the bastard.
“When I was eight, I went to a friend’s house. I arrived home ten minutes late, and he locked me out for the night. Remember, we lived in Alaska. Thankfully, it was the summer. I was terrified. That night as I sat out on our front porch, I saw two bears who looked at me like I could have easily been their next meal.”
“Oh, Blake.”
“There’s other stories I could tell, Sophia, but do you understand? I’m so blessed that I’m not like him, that I have more of my mother in me than I do him. I’m … I’m so scared of what that baby will turn out to be like, and if it’s bad, it will be my fault.”
Tears rolled down her face in what he assumed came from pity for him. He hated seeing it because he didn’t want anyone feeling sorry for him, but at the same time, he felt blessed that she loved him so much.
“Blake, a child isn’t only a product of their parents, but also of its upbringing.”
“I know.”
“We don’t know what this baby’s personality will be like. It could be the one who brings this planet peace.”
He nodded. “Maybe. It’s just all a crap shoot, right?”
She lay down next to him again. “It is, but one that I think we have a good chance at winning. You’re a kind, generous, warm man, Blake. In my opinion, the child has a good chance of turning out just fine.”
They laid together in a long stretch of silence, and he noticed how she had said a ‘good’ chance, not an excellent chance. He considered Megan his own, but he had never had a child come from his loins. All that had changed, and he would be a father in eight months. A bit of excitement crept in, but his fear didn’t waiver. If that kid turned out to be okay, then he’d have very little to do with it, regardless of what Sophia said. She was the good and pure one in this relationship.
She broke the quiet. “Thank you for being so honest with me, for sharing your true feelings and experiences with me. I’m so sorry your father terrorized you and your mother so badly. I’m glad you killed him, Blake.”
Pulling her close, he closed his eyes. He didn’t want to think about that bastard. Instead, he concentrated on how good it felt to have Sophia in his arms. Dinner would be served in a while, and as he relaxed even further, he hoped no one interrupted their nap.
Before drifting off, he mumbled, “We’ll do the best we can, Sophia. With you as its mother, I’m sure the kid will be fine.”
Chapter 16
Sophia’s gasp woke him.
He turned to her and immediately began to panic. She’d pulled the sheet up to her chin and curled up into a fetal position facing him. She stared at him wide-eyed, her breathing shallow, her face pale as beads of sweat formed on her brow. Then, she grimaced and moaned.
Sitting up, he noticed blood on the sheets. He didn’t know much about pregnancy, but he did know blood wasn’t a good sign.
He placed a hand on her cheek. “Sophia?”
Tears rolled down her cheeks. “I’ve got terrible cramps.”
Standing, he pulled on some
sweats. “You’re bleeding, honey.”
A look of horror passed over her pretty features.
“Let me get you to the bathroom, and then I’ll call Beverly.”
His heart raced as he picked her up, and he found it hard to breathe with the anxiety clogging his chest.
As he set her on her feet on the bath mat, she groaned again.
“I’m going to call Beverly right now.”
She nodded, her arms laced across her stomach. “Please get me my robe.”
He hurried into the bedroom and grabbed his phone and her robe, then dialed with shaky hands as he walked back into the bathroom and helped her slip it on. She then sat down on the toilet.
“Hi, Blake.”
He tried to remain calm but anxiety made his voice sound rough and haggard. “Beverly, we need you in our quarters.”
“What’s going on?”
“Sophia’s pregnant … and now she’s bleeding.”
A beat of silence ensued as his words settled between them.
“I didn’t know that.”
“We just found out. Please come.”
“I’ll be there in a minute.”
He hung up and went back to Sophia. Getting to his knees in front of her, he met her teary gaze as he took her hands in his.
“I’m losing the baby,” she whispered.
The words cut into his soul like a hot knife on butter.
He brought her hand to his mouth and kissed her knuckles. She was probably right, but he couldn’t agree with her just yet. “Let’s wait to see what Beverly says, okay?”
A sharp knocked sounded from the other room, and he hurried to answer it.
“Where is she?” Beverly asked when he opened the door.
“In the bathroom.”
She nodded, then went in, shutting the door behind her.
He paced the bedroom, stopping every now and then to put his ear to the door to see if he could hear anything. Unfortunately, Noah had spared no expense when converting the silo, and the panel was a slab of thick, solid wood. All that registered were hushed murmurs, and he wanted to put his fist through the damn thing.
He’d give them ten minutes, then he’d go in.
Beverly emerged nine minutes later.
“I’m just helping her get cleaned up. Can I get some underwear and clean pajamas for her?”
He nodded, went to the dresser, then pulled out a pair of green silk panties, a blue tank top and matching shorts, and handed them to Beverly.
“Is she …”
He couldn’t even bring himself to say it.
Beverly placed a hand on his shoulder and gave him a sad smile. “She’s having a miscarriage, Blake. The baby is gone.”
Shutting his eyes, he hung his head as guilt washed through him. He’d caused this.
“It’s my fault.”
“You’re being silly, Blake. No, it’s not.”
He met her gaze. “It is. I hated that baby with every bone in my body. It scared me to death. I was so afraid it would turn out to be like my dad, to be so cruel and awful that it would hurt everyone and—”
As tears choked him, Beverly pulled him into an embrace. He laid his head down on her shoulder, a desolate emptiness taking over his chest.
A moment later, she spoke. “Every day, hundreds of thousands of women have miscarriages. You didn’t cause it. Her body rejected the fetus, and now, it’s cleaning itself out.”
He shook his head. “No, it was me.”
Beverly gently pushed him away to arms’ length and smiled at him. “Blake, you aren’t that powerful. Unless you kicked her in the stomach or had her eat something that caused it, this is not about you.”
Wiping his eyes with the palms of his hands, he looked down at her. “I would never touch her like that.”
“I know. Did you give her any pills?”
“No.”
“Then sorry, you don’t get to claim responsibility for this.”
His chest felt a little lighter, but they’d just had sex ... what if he had been too big?
“What about sex? We had sex a couple of hours ago.”
She shook her head.
“You know, it’s not like I’m … small down there.”
Laughing, she palmed the side of his cheek. “I’m sure you’re not, honey, but for your penis to penetrate her womb, we’re talking a lot bigger than any mortal man.”
He sighed and crossed his arms over his chest. “Okay.”
“Now, can I go tend to my patient?”
“Yes. Go.”
After taking a few steps, she turned to him. “Blake, why don’t you change the sheets?”
That would be a good idea, and it would give him something to do besides stare at the bathroom door. “Okay.”
She slipped into the bathroom again as he busied himself, happy to have a task. He tried to ignore the blood, but couldn’t stop staring at it.
He hadn’t caused the miscarriage, so why did he still have a profound ache in his chest?
Loss.
They’d suffered a loss.
Even though the baby had scared him, he couldn’t deny he had felt a little bit of eagerness at the thought of having a child of his own. He laughed bitterly as he realized even though the child hadn’t been born, it had done exactly what he’d been afraid of—it had hurt them.
He balled the sheets up and tossed out the door toward the elevator.
A few moments later, Beverly and Sophia came out of the restroom. He went to Sophia and helped her over to the bed. Whisking back the comforter, he assisted her as she lay down.
When she seemed comfortable, he pulled the covers to her chin, and her eyes fluttered closed. She seemed so pale, as if she had the flu.
“I gave her something for the pain,” Beverly whispered. “It will also help her sleep.”
He nodded, then bent down and kissed Sophia’s forehead. Turning to Beverly, he asked, “Will she be okay?”
“Yes. But I need you to come out to the hall with me, Blake.”
Numbly, he followed her to the elevator doors.
“She’s going to be fine.”
He sighed in relief. “Good. What should I do for her?”
“There’s nothing to do except let nature run its course.”
He didn’t like that there wasn’t anything to do because it made him feel helpless, and he detested that. “There’s nothing?”
“No. Nothing.” She stared at him for a beat, then asked, “Are you okay?”
Right now, no. He rubbed at the pain in his chest. “I will be.”
She studied him for a moment, as though he had become a strange bug under a microscope that she couldn’t define.
“I didn’t think you’d want to have kids because of your dad.”
His throat tightened up again, and he coughed to try to loosen it. “That’s true.”
“Was the pregnancy an accident?”
“Yeah. She said it was.”
Beverly crossed her arms over her chest. “Do you think you two will try again?”
He couldn’t even think about that now, and the sadness made it impossible to speak at that moment, so he just shrugged.
“Okay, I’ll call later and see how she’s doing. Do you want me to bring you something to eat?”
“No.” His stomach rolled at the mention of food.
“We’ll give Megan and Killian movie and popcorn night and have her spend the night with us.”
“Thank you.”
“I’ll talk to you soon.”
He turned and walked back into the bedroom on unsteady legs. Sophia lay still, her chest moving up and down in a rhythmic motion. As carefully as he could so he wouldn’t wake her, he climbed onto the bed next to her.
Taking her hand in his, he stared at the ceiling, trying to work through his emotions.
He’d been so afraid of the baby, but then, he’d realized that if he had had a different father, he would want kids. Sophia had seemed so optimistic that their b
aby wouldn’t resemble his dad, and that had given him a bit of hope.
Then, she lost the baby.
Yes, they had suffered a loss, and he needed to come to terms with it so that he could be strong for Sophia when she woke.
Chapter 17
Christmas Eve
Blake woke early in the morning, feeling a little bit better. He’d helped Sophia to the bathroom a couple of times throughout the night so she could tend to the bleeding, but otherwise, she’d slept well.
He rolled over and found her staring at him, a soft smile playing on her lips.
Reaching out, he stroked her cheek. “Hey, honey. How’re you feeling?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. I feel … empty and numb.”
Hell, wasn’t that the perfect description?
“Me, too. Do you need any more pain medicine?”
“No. The worst of it has passed.”
“Can I get you anything?”
“No.”
They stared at each other for a long while, and it seemed to him they should talk about the miscarriage, but he didn’t want to bring it up until she was ready.
“I’m sad that we lost the baby, Blake, but in the end, I think it was for the best.”
Well, he’d never expected to hear that from her.
She sighed. “I knew you wouldn’t be happy when I told you I was pregnant, and frankly, I was scared, as well. There was no way I could ever have an abortion—it just went against the fiber of my soul. So, I just tried to make the best of the situation, believing that we could mold our baby into what we wanted it to be.”
Another wave of guilt washed through him, and for the millionth time in his life, he cursed his father.
“I always wanted to have a child with you, but I knew we couldn’t. It would be too dangerous.”
Now, the guilt crushed his soul. “I’m sorry, Sophia. I’m sorry that I’m who I am.”
She shook her head. “Don’t you ever say that again. If you weren’t you, I wouldn’t be in love with you.”
“But, I can’t give you what you want.”
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