by Jordan Shay
The disappointment in my mother’s eyes made me nearly regret what I had said. But dammit, that woman was wicked, and I’d be damned if she’s gonna talk about me, when I was standing right there!
I finished the noodles, and the other ladies finished the dishes they were working on. Hours had passed, and I had not even noticed. Which was a good thing. Last thing I needed was for my mind to wander again. Although both Caleb and Derek were never far from my thoughts.
We started taking all the food outside, lining the casserole dishes and pots up, one by one, on the long line of picnic tables.
I glanced up and saw all the men, on what would soon be a completed barn. Even at twenty-six years of age, that whole barn raising process still amazes me. The barn was all framed, with various pieces of 2x4’s and 2x6’s. From the distance, the barn figure looked like a little matchbox creation. Like the kind we would build as kids. One by one, lining the sticks up, leaning one onto another, all for a final product which generally resembled a barn or house.
I put my pot of noodles down, looked once again to my left where the barn raising was going on. An approaching figure made my breath catch in my throat, though I wasn’t sure why. The late afternoon sun was glaring right into my eyes, I couldn’t exactly make out who it is, but whoever it was, was walking right towards me. I put my hand to my brow to shield the light, and finally saw who it was. Derek.
My eyes dashed away. Damn. Too many people here for him to be anywhere near me. How am I supposed to keep it together?
“Anna? Hi, Anna.” The sexy, low drawl of his deep voice made me quiver. Once he was next to me, I closed my eyes and inhaled quickly. He smelled fucking amazing. A little musky, a little sweaty. Manly.
I opened my eyes and whispered, “Hi Derek.” I didn’t mean to say it so quietly, but I had trouble finding my voice.
“Anna. Look at me.” Shit. Eye contact.
“I should go in the house and get more food to bring out.” I still couldn’t make direct eye contact, and I started to move backwards.
“No. Don’t go. Anna, I just wanted to tell you, I mean, in case you were wondering,” He paused. I finally looked up at him. Fuck. Those green eyes made me melt every time. “It meant nothing.”
I looked up. “What? What are you talking about?” Shit. Did burying his head in my pussy at the store, really mean nothing to him?
“Anna. Talking to Heather. It meant nothing. I know that you saw us talking. She’s young. Too young. She was very flirtatious, but it’s you I enjoy being with, Anna. It’s you, and only you, that I can’t stop thinking about.”
Surprised by his response. I locked eyes with him. Now, I couldn’t look away. Why did he tell me this? Did he know it bothered me? Did he care that it bothered me? Should I care, that he cares? Oh my God, my brain! Slow down, Anna. Get it together.
“Oh. Well. It looked like you both enjoyed the conversation.” That jealous feeling, that had built up in me when I had seen him with Heather, returned.
“Anna, she’s nothing compared to you.” He reached out and touched my wrist. I shuddered at his magnetic touch.
Did he just say that? Maybe there is more to this than just two people fucking around together? Maybe he’s the one for me. I had scared Caleb off because of my infatuation with Derek. But it was more than infatuation. Was it love? What if he was the one? But if he was, I couldn’t have him. Or, I could leave. Leave my family, leave my church, leave my Amish community. Was he worth it? I mean really worth it?
Some men hollered in the distance and I snapped back to reality.
“Derek, I have to go into the house. If Mama catches me talking to you...well, it just wouldn’t be good.
“Ok, Anna. But one question.” I gazed into his eyes, not wanting to leave. One more question? I might have stayed for five more questions. He went on, “Is it true?”
“Is what true?”
“Is it true that you’re going to marry Caleb?”
I was frozen. Like a deer in the headlights. Who had told him? My mother probably made my father tell him; so he’d stay away from me. Shit.
I figured the truth was best, especially not knowing what he had already heard. “My parents want me to marry Caleb. I don’t even really know him. He seems nice. But…”
What more could I say? I just wanted to pour my heart out to Derek.
It’s you, I love you!
But did I really love him? Or did I just love fucking around with him. Because damn, every time he takes my panties off, I soar into the clouds. Maybe that’s what I really loved about him. Hell, I don’t know. I don’t even know that much about him.
Well, I know about that sexy muscular line that runs across his pelvic area.
Derek just intently looked at me. Waiting for more. Wanting more. I went on, “Derek, it’s not what I want. My mind is other places. I can’t make heads or tails of anything lately. I’m just so confused. The Amish…well, we have our ways.” This was not the place to go into this. There were too many people around. “I better go. It was really good to see you.”
It was damn fucking good to smell you, Derek. Next time I want to rip your clothes off and feast my eyes upon those muscles.
“It was good to see you too, Anna. I’ll wait for you.” His eyebrows rose as he said it. I not only could see the concern in his face, I could feel it.
“Wait for me?”
“Yes. I’ll wait for you to make a decision. About me. I want to be with you, Anna.” He smiled at me, and walked away, leaving me standing there watching him go. Damn those jeans.
My heart melted. He had just laid it all out there. He wanted to be with me. I felt giddy, excited, and warm all over. I had to be with him. I just had to find a way.
My happiness disappeared the moment I walked back into the house.
The ladies, including my mother, were staring at me in disbelief. Had they been watching out the kitchen windows? Watching Derek and me talking? Did they see it in my eyes? His eyes? What did they know?
I should have been more fucking careful. Anna, you’re a fucking idiot. My mind was racing with thoughts.
Mama looked at me with worried eyes. The other ladies turned away. Shit, shit, shit. Now I have to explain myself. Make up some bullshit to appease these ladies.
“Mama?” I had to say something. But I had to be careful.
“Yes, Anna.”
“Derek said the men should be up in 10 minutes to eat.”
“Ok, good. What else did Derek have to say?” She was drying her hands on a dishtowel over and over again. Clearly her Goddamn hands were dry now. She must have been nervous.
Surprised that she asked that out loud, my mind flashes back to, I’ll wait for you. I want to be with you Anna.
“Did you hear me, Anna? What else did Derek have to say?”
The words that came next surprised me as well, Anna the firecracker, I say. “He asked me if I was marrying Caleb.”
She stopped with the towel and looked at me. The other ladies stopped what they were doing too. Nosey ol’ bitties. “You told him, yes. Right?” My mother broke the awkward silence.
“I told him the truth. We both know what the truth is mama, no sense in discussing it now.”
Mama looked a bit confused. Inside, I smiled. Mama wouldn’t want to do this with the others here.
Martha chimes in, “So when is the wedding date for you and Caleb?”
“I don’t know, Ms. Martha. One day at a time.”
Chapter Seven
Sunday. It was a day of rest. A day with the Lord. A day with the family. In my case, it was going to be a day of sin.
My family and I headed to church after a hearty breakfast of eggs, bacon, sausage, mama’s biscuits, and coffee. Bellies full, and minds wide open to receive the Lord. We got to church, like every other Sunday before, by 8:25 a.m. Nasty Martha sat in the front pew. Not surprising, as she is always looking for attention. Uncle Henry and Aunt Cheryl sat in the 3rd row on the right. My family sat in
the 3rd row on the left. Mr. Danner, the man who owns the feed store, always sat in front of me. Tall, slender man. Bald on top, with a nice rim of silver hair wrapped around his head in a horseshoe shape. Amish folks are such creatures of habit.
“Hello, Ms. Anna.”
“Hello, Mr. Danner. How are you today?”
“Well. I’m doing well, Ms. Anna.”
Just then, I felt a hand on my right shoulder. Certain it was one of the church elders saying hi, or perhaps one of my friends, I quickly turned and smiled at the face that was now only a foot from mine. Only it wasn’t one of my school friend’s or a church elder.
“Caleb!” I had never seen him in church before and wasn’t expecting to see him.
“Hello, Anna. Gorgeous Sunday morning isn’t it?” He was dressed in his Sunday best, and I’d be lying if I said he wasn't the most handsome Amish man in this church. His light eyes twinkled at me, and his smile showed off his perfect teeth. Damn. This would be so much easier if he was ugly.
“Um. Yes. Yes. It is. Gorg... It’s Gorgeous. For sure.” Embarrassed, I turned my head away. I was stumbling over my words and sounded like a blithering idiot. Dear Lord. Please forgive my thoughts in church this morning. I just can’t help it.
Caleb went and greeted Mr. Danner, taking a seat right next to him. How did they know each other? Maybe Caleb knew him from buying feed for the cattle and pigs at the farm. Who knows? What I do know is that him sitting right fucking in front of me made it damn hard to listen to the sermon.
We sang a few hymns, listened to a scripture from the Old Testament, then the New Testament. Then, Pastor David went into his homily. Talking about sin.
Oh shit. He’s talking directly to me. Had he known what Derek and I had done? And not once, but many times. Or, my thoughts about Caleb, too. Or the fact that I have had sexual, inappropriate thoughts about not just one man, but two? I’m screwed.
He belted out, “Sin. Sin, my friends, is what we must work everyday to avoid. Sin is what ruins us. Ruins our family. Ruins our community. Ruins our church.”
Well there I was, sweating like a whore in church. Just like the saying goes. That’s me. Fucking whore. And these parishioners think I’m perfect, sweet, little Anna. Sometimes a firecracker. That’s our Anna, they think. Innocent and pure.
I looked around the church, and everyone was listening. Intently. I couldn’t concentrate. I just wanted to get out of there. It couldn’t come soon enough.
Not being able to listen to the words, I started looking around the pews at the people. Mostly, everyone was dressed alike; it was hard for anyone to stand out. But that’s the point. My grey dress was just as bland as everyone else’s. Same bonnets. Same shoes. Same everything. Everyone there seemed to be fully engrossed in the sermon.
My eyes lingered on the back of Caleb’s head. Even though he looked like the other men, there was something masculine about him. And sweet. Approachable. His demeanor made me feel like he could be everyone’s friend. He was always smiling. I had yet to find any flaws or any reason why I would deny him, to my parents. He was, by all Amish girl’s standards, perfect.
But not for me. I wanted Derek.
I thought church might never end. But finally, it was time to do our closing hymns and we could leave. I’d never wanted to leave church so badly, as I did in that moment. I walked with my family, out the rear church doors, and we gathered on the grass in the shade of the large oak trees, to chat with the other families. My parents were talking to their friends, Abe was running around with the other boys, and Jeb hanging with a group of other teenagers. Including girls. I wondered if he would marry soon? Did he like one of those girls? I tried to watch and see if I could tell, but I couldn’t. Jeb didn’t participate in Rumspringa either. He had many Amish friends, and they were all content to stay Amish. I wonder if he will ever regret missing that opportunity like I had.
Poor, innocent, little Abe. I wanted to tell him to say a kid forever so he never has to deal with these ‘grown up’ problems.
In the midst of my thoughts, I saw Caleb headed toward me. I realized I wanted him to come over. I wanted to talk to him. But, I shouldn’t. I don’t want him to get the wrong idea. I can’t lead him on. My heart belongs to Derek, and it wouldn’t be fair.
Bang. BANG. BANG!
Our attention was drawn to the little shops down the road. Far enough that the noise wasn’t a bother, but close enough that my eyes were drawn with curiosity, to see who was making that racket. I clenched my eyes, squinted. Shit! It was Derek! My heart raced. He was on the market roof, must have been fixing wood, or shingles or something.
My eyes were focused on that sexy man on the roof. Mesmerized. I couldn’t turn away. But then, I felt a body. Right. Next. To. Mine.
Caleb.
He knew. He saw my eyes affixed on that man on the roof.
“Anna, can we go somewhere and talk?” I nodded. What else could I do?
Seeing that my family was not paying attention, I figured why not. Plus, they would be happy to see me talking to Caleb. Especially Mama. Caleb reached for my hand we walked to the other side of the church, out of sight of everyone else.
“Anna. Are you truly open to the idea of us possibly getting married, or is this really just a show for your parents?” He sounded genuinely sad as he asked this. I immediately felt horrible.
“Caleb, you have to understand. I like you, I really do. It’s just that this whole marriage thing was a shock and I….I…” I stammered. I didn’t know how to tell him.
“Is it Derek?” Caleb asked. “I see the way you look at him. And, by the way, if I notice it, so do others. So, I’ll ask again. And tell me the truth. Is it Derek?” My silence was enough to answer his question. “What are you going to do, Anna? That’s not a possible union for you.” He sat down on a picnic table and motioned for me to sit next him. “I really like you, Anna. But I can see that your heart is somewhere else. And that somewhere else is going to create a long-term problem for you from your family. Are you prepared for that?” Damn, why was this man so sweet? “Are you prepared to lose your family, Anna? If you yank over, there is no coming back.”
I cringed at that thought. I knew this in my mind, but when I think about it, actually think about it, it hurt. I wasn’t sure I could handle that. Why did it have to be one way or the other? Why couldn’t I have both Derek and my family? Amish life was so unfair.
“I’m just really confused right now.” I stared off in the distance, unable to see Derek from this side of the church. Caleb reached for my hand and together we sat in silence. It felt good to know that someone was trying to understand me and wasn’t judging me. It was also nice that he was still so good to me, even after realizing my heart wasn’t with him.
Our silence was interrupted suddenly by screams and hollers from the church gathering. Caleb reacted quickly and jumped off the table, reaching for me at the same time. Without missing a beat, we took off running towards the crowd. Something bad must have happened, by the sound of the panicked screams. Immediately I was worried it was Derek. He had been on the roof. What if he had fallen off? Dear God…
As we approached the crowd, I sought out my parents first, but they were nowhere in sight. I glanced up and saw Derek still on the roof; however he had stopped working and was watching us. It wasn’t Derek that was hurt.
There was a crowd gathered in one area and as we got closer, many of them looked up at us. Actually, it seemed they were looking at me. Why were they looking at me like that? I felt a knot in my stomach and my knees started to feel wobbly. Caleb gripped my hand tighter. I wondered if he caught that too. Once we were near the crowd, everyone started to move out of the way for us. In the center of the gathering, was my mother, sitting on the ground, legs beneath her and my dad on one knee, holding her hand, head hanging low.
“Papa! What’s wrong?” I shouted. When he looked up at me, I could see he was crying. “What in the world….Papa! What is it?” I was shouting.
; “It’s Abe, sweetie. We just got word that he was in a buggy accident. He left just a little while ago with the cousins and they were in an accident with a truck. It might be bad, honey. We won’t know until we get to the hospital.” His shoulders started to shake with sobs, and I saw tears running down his face. My legs gave out and I sat next to my mama. Instinctively I grabbed her other hand.
“What do you mean Papa? Where is he?”
“They are taking him to St. Andrews Hospital. We are waiting on a driver to get us there now.”
“Anna, honey, you need to be prepared…these buggy accidents are the worst when they involve cars. Or worse, trucks.” The pastor had put his hand on my shoulder. “We do know that the horse was killed on impact and the children were taken to the hospital.”