“And our marriage,” Laura murmured softly, her fingers digging into the fabric of his shirt.
“Yes. Rape affects everyone.” He caressed her flushed cheek. “And neither of us is going to go into denial about it. Ann said it often takes at least a year to get over the worst effects, and time slowly takes care of the rest. I know,” he told her somberly, “that I can’t make love with you right now. It’s impossible for you to emotionally separate what happened from our being together. But one day, Ann said, we will be able to enjoy making love together again, Laura, and it’s a day I know will come. I don’t care how long it takes. You’ve got to believe me on that, Little Swan. I didn’t marry you just to have you in my bed.”
“No?” Her smile was broken and fragile.
“No. Although—” Morgan whispered, kissing her lips tenderly, “it’s a natural way to express our love for each other. But there are plenty of other ways I can show my love for you, and vice versa. I see this as an opportunity to explore those other ways.”
“I—I don’t like separate beds, Morgan.”
His smile was very male and very gentle. “No?”
Laura shook her ahead adamantly. “I hated sleeping apart from you. I need you to hold me at night. If you could do that—”
“You just tell me whatever you need, and I’ll provide it, Laura,” he vowed fiercely. “Ann says we’ve got to talk, to communicate like never before. I know I haven’t been very good at it the past seven years, but I’m going to get good at it now.” He brushed the tears from her cheeks. “You know what this whole thing has taught me, Little Swan?”
“No…what?”
“Well, for one thing, that you and our children are more important to me than my work.” He shook his head apologetically. “I didn’t realize until now how much. I put work before you and our family. But all that’s coming to a roaring halt, Laura.”
Startled, she studied him in the warm darkness. “What are you talking about?” she whispered unsteadily.
Pressing her against him, Morgan rested his jaw lightly against her hair. “While you were sleeping, I made a lot of decisions, Little Swan. Among them is that I’m going to sell Perseus to the government. They’ve wanted to buy in as a partner before, but now I’m going to sell them the whole thing. I know I can wrangle a financially sound deal for us, and I’ll write operation manuals for them, but beyond that I’m taking a back seat for now.
“We need time to heal. Our children need us, and we need them. When you’re ready, we’re going to Jake Randolph’s place. He’s already agreed to act as liaison between the CIA, which will be purchasing Perseus, and myself. You and I will go up to Oregon, to the Cascade Mountains, and the kids will join us there. We’re going to spend the next three months living there—Jake figures it will take at least that long to perform the transition work between the company and the CIA, and he’ll stay in D.C. doing it. His Oregon home is big and has plenty of bedrooms. We’ll have the privacy we need, too.”
Laura lay against Morgan, almost unable to believe what she was hearing. The gruff emotional quality of Morgan’s voice felt like a thick, protective blanket over her rawness. “I never thought you’d give up Perseus,” she said finally, after a hushed silence.
“In a way I won’t. The government will use my knowledge, tactics and strategies in the manuals I’ll continue to write and refine. But most importantly, this change will remove us as a target, and that’s what I want.”
Laura could hear Morgan’s commitment to her and their family in his fervent voice. She tightened her arms around him briefly. “I miss the children so much,” she whispered.
“So do I,” he rasped. “I want to hold that little tiger of a son of mine in my arms again, and I want to smell Katherine’s fresh, clean scent as I carry her.”
Hope exploded into Laura’s heart. The sensation of warmth that followed it was completely unexpected, yet she savored the feeling, greedily absorbing it. “I like your decisions,” she said faintly. “I feel like I’m in a waking dream. You don’t know how many times I wished you would put your work aside for our family.”
Grimly, Morgan stared out into the darkness, taking in her painful admission. “This is no dream. It’s for real, Laura. I’ve learned my lesson. I can have everything taken away from me: my career, my company, my money. But you know what? The two things I can’t live without are you and the children. I’m nothing without you, Little Swan.” Morgan caressed her cheek and held her luminous gaze, which radiated with a love for him he really didn’t feel he deserved.
“I’m the luckiest man in the world, and I didn’t know it, Laura. I took advantage of you and the family. I got in over my head, and I went to extremes—and you and the kids paid the price for me. God, what an awful price it was, too….”
Laura closed her eyes, content to be held and protected by Morgan. She knew without saying it, that the work that still lay ahead of them was not going to be easy. She wasn’t going to try to fool herself or lie to herself ever again. Too much that was important to her was at stake, and she was willing to make the commitment to work through any amount of pain in order to have a better, more complete life with Morgan and her children.
Easing away from him, she reached out and caressed his scarred face. “What about me not being able to have more children?”
Morgan felt tears fill his eyes as he studied her softly shadowed face and saw the grief there. With his thumb, he gently caressed her cheek. “It doesn’t matter,” he said thickly. “We’re lucky to have a son and daughter, and that’s enough for me, Little Swan.”
“But…you wanted at least four children. So did I….”
Helplessly, Morgan shrugged. “If that becomes important to us again, Laura, we can always adopt, can’t we?” Making a sound of frustration, he sat up and framed her face with his hands. “Listen to me, will you? I love you. I need you. I don’t need you because you can have my children, all right? I didn’t marry you or fall in love with you because you could have children, Laura. That happened to be a nice byproduct of what we shared, and I’m thankful for our family, but I’m content with two children. We love them with our lives, and I’m the luckiest bastard in the world right now, Laura. I’ve got you, Jason and Katherine. I’m more than fulfilled. I’ve got it all.”
Laura believed him. She felt the truth of his words to the depths of her soul. Sliding her hands across his, she managed a tremulous smile. “I like the two we have, too, darling. And no, I don’t need four children. I just thought you wanted them….”
“Partly because I didn’t talk clearly with you about it,” he growled unhappily. “But you see? Talking is already removing some of the barriers between us, Laura. So maybe now things don’t seem as bad to you as they once did? We have the two best kids in the world already, as far as I’m concerned.”
Smiling, she nodded. “I believe you. I really do.”
Relieved, Morgan grinned. “Good. What do you say we go to bed? I don’t know about you, but I’m beat to hell. This is one day I’m glad is behind us. All I want to do,” he said thickly as he caressed her hair, “is to lie in that narrow bed with you in my arms. What do you say, Little Swan? Does that sound good to you, too?”
Did it ever. Smiling tenderly, Laura allowed him to help her rise to her bare feet. She relaxed in his arms, a contentment she never thought possible filling her as he held her in a tight embrace.
“I love you, Morgan,” she murmured.
Seeking and finding her lips, he kissed her hotly, letting her know just how fiercely he loved her in return. This time, Laura responded in kind, and he felt the strength of her mouth, the fire of her as a woman. Tearing his mouth from hers, his breathing ragged and his heart pounding like a sledgehammer in his chest, he rasped against her ear, “And I’ll love you forever, Laura.”
Chapter 13
The next morning, Laura awoke to the sound of the cabin door opening and closing several times. She lay alone in their bed, hearing Mike Houston
’s low voice, then Morgan’s responding. Their footsteps echoed hollowly on the pine floor, and she wondered why there was so much activity. Sitting up, she was shocked to see it was nearly eleven o’clock. She’d overslept!
As she hurriedly got out of bed and donned her robe, she heard the door close once more. Quiet descended on the cabin again. As she opened the door to the living room, she saw Morgan carrying something to the kitchen in his arms. Peripherally aware of the fragrant smells of coffee perking and bacon frying, she realized she actually felt hungry as she followed Morgan into the kitchen. He was busy cooking, and a huge pile of magazines was stacked on the table near her waiting plate. Standing in the doorway, she saw him turn in surprise.
“You’re up.”
She smiled a little drowsily and pushed several strands of hair off her brow. “Finally.”
Morgan came over and slid his arms around her, pulling her gently against him. He kissed her silken hair and her temple, then inhaled her womanly fragrance. “Mmm, you not only smell good, but I wonder how you taste?”
Laura smiled beneath his lips as they came to rest against hers. The gentle strength of Morgan’s mouth was more healing than he could ever realize. She kissed him back, sliding her arms around his neck. As they eased out of the kiss, she smiled up into his smoky gray eyes, which burned with obvious desire for her.
“What was all that noise about? I know I heard Mike’s voice. Is something wrong?”
Morgan led her to the kitchen table and sat her down where he’d laid out a sunflower place mat, a plate and flatware earlier. “No,” he replied as he returned to the stove, “it was just an idea whose time was way overdue.” He quickly scooped scrambled eggs and bacon from two different skillets and placed them on her plate. Popping two slices of bread into the toaster, he gave her a triumphant smile.
Laura began to eat, surprised to find she felt ravenous. Morgan had that devilish look glinting in his eyes, and she knew he was up to something. He came and sat next to her, his elbows propped on the table. “What idea?” she asked suspiciously.
He pointed to the huge stack of magazines. “I had Mike go into Sedona and buy a lot of different magazines this morning and bring them out for us.” He frowned, suddenly serious, and held her gaze. “I remember when we were first married and you told me how you’d been adopted by your Marine Corps father and mother. You told me he’d been born in the Colorado Rockies and that you’d always wanted to live there someday. You told me how, as a child, you bought a scrapbook with your allowance and called it your ‘Book of Dreams.’ You would cut out pictures from magazines and paste them in the scrapbook—pictures of the mountains and log cabins, in hopes of someday making your dreams come true.”
Laura sipped the coffee. She set it down and smiled softly. “Yes, I remember telling you about my ‘Book of Dreams.”’
“You put all kinds of things into that scrapbook over the years.”
Laughing lightly, Laura nodded. “I certainly did. I don’t know how many times I toted it out and sat with my mother or father, talking over what my future husband would look like, how many kids we’d have and what they’d look like or where we were going to live.” With a shake of her head, she murmured, “I wonder if they ever got tired of me going over and over those things I’d pasted in that scrapbook.”
“I doubt it, Little Swan.” Morgan reached out and captured her hand briefly. “And neither will I. Because that’s what we’re going to do for the next few days. You’re going to create a new ‘Book of Dreams’ and tell me about everything you put in it.” Triumphantly, he set a bottle of glue and a pair of scissors in front of her plate. “After you’re done eating and have had a chance to shower and dress, you and I are going to sit here and do it. Together.”
Tears flooded Laura’s eyes as she looked at the raw hope on Morgan’s face, heard his voice waver with deep feeling. “Oh, Morgan, that’s such a beautiful idea….”
“It’s more than that,” he told her gruffly, squeezing her hand a little more tightly. “It’s going to be my SOP—standard operating procedures—with you. It’s time your dreams got explored, don’t you think?”
Shaken, Laura was momentarily unable to speak. Her life had always centered around making Morgan and the children happy, not herself. But all that seemed to be changing—radically and suddenly. “Well,” she stuttered, “but—but what are you going to do with whatever dreams I might put into this scrapbook?”
Morgan’s smile was very confident and filled with love as he said, “I’m going to make them come true.”
At the end of three days, Laura’s new “Book of Dreams” was completed to her satisfaction. As she and Morgan sat at the kitchen table, the radio playing softly in the background, she watched him for a reaction. He’d said very little during the past days, except to occasionally nod his head or make sure she had more magazines if she needed them. Now, as they sat down in the late afternoon, coffee in hand, to discuss what she’d cut out, she felt an unbidden excitement.
“Okay, let’s take a look at the final product,” he murmured as he pulled the scrapbook to him. Opening it, he studied the first page. On it was a huge, beautiful, cedar-log home. Laura had also found some pine trees from another magazine and glued them in around it.
“There’s more to this landscape,” she said tentatively. “I just ran out of room on the first page.”
He smiled a little and turned the page. On the second spread was a huge vegetable path and next to it, a wildflower garden. On the third page, he saw the rugged Rocky Mountains as a backdrop to two children playing happily by a stream, surrounded by tall rushes and wildflowers. On the next page two people, a man and woman, stood arm-in-arm on a grassy knoll watching a peach-colored sunset.
Laura sat very still, her hands clasped tightly in her lap, watching every emotion register clearly on Morgan’s battered face as he slowly leafed through page after page. She could literally feel him digesting the dreams she’d cut out and pasted on those pages. Why was she so nervous? So afraid? Deep down, she had come to realize that Morgan was right: after seven years of living for him and their children, she’d never really learned to live for herself. In the wake of their latest revelations, Laura had realized more each day how much she needed time and creative expression to live out her life according to her own inner, spiritual needs. Morgan had told her repeatedly that the balance of power had shifted in their marriage—to her. But how was he going to accomplish that, beyond selling Perseus?
“All right,” he said gruffly, “I think I’ve got a fair idea of what you need.” He looked up and studied her shadowed blue gaze, seeing the tension around her mouth. He knew Laura was still wary of his promises to change, and he didn’t blame her. “Rachel was telling me of a woman architect who lives here, in Oak Creek. She’s world famous for the homes she designs. What do you say we make an appointment to see her and discuss the building of this cedar home for us?”
Laura’s mouth fell open and she gaped at him. “But…where?”
Giving a lazy shrug, Morgan let a sliver of a grin leak through his serious demeanor. Taking her hand and holding it in his, he said, “What you didn’t know is that I’ve been in touch with Wolf Harding. You know he owns BlueMountain up in Philipsburg, Montana. Sarah, his wife, mines sapphires, and they live on one side of it.” His grip tightened. “Wolf and Sarah are willing to sell us half of BlueMountain, so we can build that RockyMountain dream home of yours. What do you think of that?”
Again, Laura was rocked by Morgan’s decisions. She could only stare, but her heart was racing with joy. His gray eyes looked so grave, but she saw the glint in them, too, that proved he meant what he was saying. “Oh…” she whispered, touching her throat with her fingertips.
“Oh? As in, oh, that’s a great idea? Or, oh, Morgan, that’s a terrible idea?”
Laura felt the sunlight of his smile radiating upon her, and she offered him a full-wattage grin in return. “It’s a wonderful idea, Morgan! You really boug
ht a mountain in Montana?”
“Yes.” At the incredible pleasure in Laura’s eyes, Morgan’s heart expanded like a flower opening. Never had he felt as good as he did right now. The new life in Laura’s eyes was something to behold, and the hope clearly written there rocked him as little else could. Finally, he was beginning to grasp just how much of her life had been given to him at the expense of herself. But now that they were truly becoming equal partners in the relationship, Morgan found it far more satisfying than what they’d shared before.
“Oh,” Laura whispered, tears filling her eyes. “A real mountain.”
“Yup, just like the one in here.” And he opened to the page in her “Book of Dreams” that pictured a white-topped mountain swathed in the green of fir trees. “Wolf and Sarah understood what we needed. They didn’t have to sell us the other half of their mountain, but they did.”
“But Sarah makes their living off the sapphires. Won’t we be taking away half their ability to make money by buying half their property?”
Morgan shook his head. “No. What you don’t know is that Sarah just found an incredible deposit of cornflower blue sapphires—the biggest one is some fifty carats—and basically, they’re set for life with this find.”
“Wonderful!” Laura whispered, meaning it. She knew how hard Wolf and Sarah had struggled to make ends meet—Wolf working as a forest ranger and Sarah continuing her sapphire mining, faceting her finds and selling them to jewelry distributors. “They really deserve this kind of a break.”
“Yes,” Morgan agreed, “they do. Now maybe they can focus on other important things in their marriage.”
Morgan's Marriage Page 17