Quash Grade Inflation; Anonymize Testing
There is a bias against boys in schools—when teachers don't know who took a test the boys score much better. To combat this, tests should be anonymized as much as possible.
Grade inflation is another issue that must be addressed by educators. Not everyone deserves to get top grades, and telling students they're “special” tends to backfire, especially in the long run. Psychologists have found that poor-performing students who were given self-esteem boosts in an effort to help improve their grades actually ended up performing much worse, though they remained confident and self-assured.6 Students need to be taught how to study more effectively, how to deal with procrastination, how to manage their time efficiently, how to study and work well with others, and, finally, they need to see that focused, hard work pays off. Bring in inspirational speakers who can share their story and more importantly the path they took to complete their goals as well as how they overcame failure along the way.
Schools have their work cut out for them, but they cannot accomplish everything they need to do without the support of policy-makers, administrators, parents, and students. Parents especially can do their part by supporting teachers who are fair, and by doing their part to ensure their children are better prepared for their lives as adults. More on that next . . .
EIGHTEEN
What Parents Can Do
It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.
—Frederick Douglass, African-American social reformer and a leader of the abolitionist movement
It takes a village to raise a child, but it starts with you. The bulk of change needs to come from parents. It is time for parents to establish more boundaries, offer more guidance, and turn on their children's creativity. If your son has been diagnosed with ADHD or another disorder, look at alternatives to medication or try an electronic fast first. Try to find the right program for the boy instead of trying to fit the boy into a program that's not right for him. Consider enrolling him in school one year later than usual, so he loves to learn rather than learns to hate school. Encourage reading by giving him books on topics he's actually interested in. Be a good role model or find good male role models or mentors for your son. Teach him positive ways to feel like a man but also ways to develop his unique character as a human being.
Teach your daughters it's okay to ask out the boy they like and inform your sons that it's all right to accept an invitation from a girl who asks them on a date. Allowing girls to feel confident by directly asking for what they want, and allowing boys to feel comfortable with girls taking the lead is a very simple way to build confidence, communication, and trust between the sexes. In a similar vein, encourage your son to learn how to dance. It is a social skill that may offer some popularity in youth, but will prove to be fun and useful for him long into adulthood.
Responsibility and Resiliency Are Twin Pillars of Strength for Children
It is important to be fair, but not punish your son simply for being a male. After gathering information and analyzing the outcomes of bright young male Harvard students over decades, George Vaillant came to this conclusion: “When you're just getting the hang of grief, rage, and joy, it makes all the difference in the world to have parents who can tolerate and ‘hold’ your feelings rather than treating them as misbehavior.”1
One aspect of making space for kids is letting them experience and explore their feelings with minimal adult supervision. Resiliency goes hand in hand with responsibility. Greater responsibility was the most important thing men over fifty years old in our survey thought the younger generations of males were lacking. One older man said parents should be:
Teaching sons about finance and politics when they become teenagers . . . Frequently give the son something important to do for a group (like family, sport teams, friends). Like buying equipment you will need for an activity. Also, teach kids to use public transportation and then let them take the bus or train home from school. Let them be responsible for something.
At the same time, do not offer him empty praise when he does not follow through on his responsibilities or “participation medals” just for showing up. Achievement feeds the motivation to learn, improve, and succeed, and encourages a person to try new things and master new skills. When children get praised regardless of the quality of the work they do, they feel less motivated to do more. The same thing goes for when a child does exemplary work and they get similar approval as someone who didn't—they become skeptical of the feedback. What kids need is specific feedback about areas where they are doing well and areas where they can improve. They need what psychologist Carol Dweck calls a growth mindset that praises hard work and encourages them to develop their abilities, rather than a fixed mindset that tells them they are intrinsically talented and smart and therefore don't have to try.2 When both children and adults are given positive feedback on their efforts rather than outcomes, they will delay immediate gratification more often than when they are given negative feedback.3 Video games offer this kind of feedback; parents need to start offering it, too.
Many high-achievers, like former Secretary of Defense Robert M. Gates, specifically reference how this kind of encouragement combined with accountability shaped their character:
My parents told me repeatedly when I was a boy that there were no limits to what I might achieve if I worked hard, but they also routinely cautioned me never to think I was superior to anyone else . . . On those relatively infrequent occasions when I was disciplined, I'm confident I deserved it, though I felt deeply persecuted at the time. But their expectations and discipline taught me about consequences and taking responsibility for my actions. My parents shaped my character and therefore my life. I realized on the way to the Senate that day [being confirmed as the Secretary of Defense] that the human qualities they had imbued within me in those early years had brought me to this moment . . .4
It is critical that young people not only discover their passions but learn how to make their passions work for them, after they have graduated from school.
What about Getting a J.O.B.?
If your son is in high school, chat with him about the job market. Encourage him to have a part-time job or volunteer in his community, to learn to be a bit more responsible and understand the rules and obligations of business. Talk to him about that job, what is good and bad about it. Obviously you want him to pursue his dreams, but you also want him to be aware of what opportunities will be available once he graduates so he doesn't enter a weak job market with no prospects and a huge student loan. Many parents aren't helping their kids develop realistic expectations or prepare for what awaits them beyond college. The world is changing; the general advice used to be to get a well-rounded liberal arts education in preparation for graduate school, but that advice is no longer relevant because the competition is high and the pay is dropping.
Encourage both your sons and daughters to look at vocational schools and associate degree programs if they are not interested in going the science, technology, engineering, or math route. Over one-quarter of people with post-secondary licenses or certificates (credentials short of an associate's degree) make more money than the average person with a bachelor's degree.5 Regardless of what direction they go, young people have to be tech savvy, and writing and communication skills are critical for success. Learning basic social interaction skills means others will want to be around them, too. Ask if they have friends who are girls as well as boys, and encourage both; open your home to them.
At the same time, encourage your son to take on babysitting or coaching roles while he is a teen so that he may learn how to directly nurture and mentor others. Some sports—such as soccer—allow younger teens to earn a fair amount of money in the summertime and on weekends by refereeing the games of even younger players.
Getting Out of Your Comfort Zone and Tackling Taboo Topics
Teach your son about sex. Whether or not you're okay with your son engaging in sexual behavior now, s
urely you want him to have a healthy and shame-free sexual relationship with someone at some point in his adult life. Preparing him for that starts with supporting healthy, shame-free, and realistic attitudes about sex when he is young.
Most people agree that sex is an important part of long-term relationships.6 Along the way, though, many couples will struggle with a sexual issue, and it can distance partners from each other. Teaching young people to fear sex or not giving them any information at all does little to help their future relationships thrive. From the Harvard Grant study, Vaillant found that:
overt fear of sex was a far more powerful predictor of poor mental health than sexual dissatisfaction in marriage was. After all, marital sexual adjustment depends heavily upon the partner, but fear of sex is closely linked with a personal mistrust of the universe. The men who experienced lifelong poor marriages were six times as likely as men with excellent marriages, and twice as likely as men who divorced, to give evidence on questionnaires of being fearful or uncomfortable about sexual relations.7
Make yourself available for questions, be a good listener, don't back down on what you believe, admit when you don't know, and show unconditional love. Explain peer pressure, consent and boundaries, birth control, safer sex and STIs, the differences between porn and reality, or bring him to a trusted person who he might feel more comfortable discussing the challenges and risks of intimacy with (counselor, health educator, therapist, pastor, etc.). Most young men respond positively when they learn the science behind the dangers of porn; you might also consider directing him to www.YourBrainOnPorn.com or www.FightTheNewDrug.org so he can learn from their resources.
If there is a sexual act that “everyone is doing,” that doesn't mean that he has to do it. If someone is trying to coerce or manipulate him into doing something, or something doesn't feel right, tell him how to get out of that situation safely. However, it is equally important to go on to explain the positive sides of boundaries too. Emphasize the role of communication and help him start to understand that sex is about pleasure and connecting with his (eventual) partner.
If you are separated from your partner, be sure that both of you can spend quality time with your son. As much as you may not like the other parent of your child, do not lose sight of who they are to your child, and do your best not to speak badly about them in front of your kids. Live close enough to each other that your children don't have to sacrifice friendships or activities in order to spend time with the other parent.
The majority of moms believe that absent or uninvolved dads can easily be replaced by themselves or another man,8 and that attitude is alarming. The evidence is clear that stable marriages lead to happy, healthy, and motivated kids, which leads to stronger communities, more opportunities, and greater equality. We'd like to reiterate how much kids benefit from involved dads:
Physical health. Compared with children in intact, married families, children in cohabiting households (one parent and their girlfriend or boyfriend) are more likely to have a physical health condition9 and are three times more likely to suffer physical, sexual, or emotional abuse.10 Those in unhappy marriages have depressed immune systems and their children have elevated stress hormones.11
Mental health. Children raised by single moms are more likely to be on ADHD medication12 and are more likely to need professional treatment for emotional or behavioral problems.13 As adults, children who grew up with married parents are less likely to have mental health problems (especially true for daughters).14
Poverty. Children of married parents are far less likely to grow up in poverty15 and have higher rates of upward mobility than children of single parents; by one estimate, the income of families with children would be 44 percent higher if the US were still at 1980 levels of married parenthood.16
Teen pregnancy and crime. Daughters of single mothers are more likely to engage in early sexual behavior and become teen moms,17 which, in turn, makes them more likely to rely on welfare and their children less likely to grow up with their fathers. The majority of inmates grew up without their fathers.18
Drugs and alcohol. Children of single parents have significantly higher rates of drug use.19 Teens who have less than three family dinners a week are four times more likely to use tobacco, more than twice as likely to use alcohol, two-and-a-half times more likely to use marijuana, and nearly four times likelier to engage in future drug use.20
School. Children of married parents have fewer learning disabilities;21 score higher in reading,22 verbal and problem-solving skills,23 most academic measures,24 and the majority of social competence measures.25
Future income. The Harvard Grant Study found that men that had warm childhoods—those who had close relationships with their parents (who were married) and at least one sibling—make 50 percent more money than their peers who grew up with separated parents or in hostile households.26
Right now there is a disconnect between how much we value a father's involvement and how we much value a father's income. Just 8 percent of men and women believe children are better off if their father stays at home while the mother works,27 yet 93 percent of mothers and 91 percent of fathers agreed there is a father-absence crisis.28 Most mothers believe they can achieve better work-family balance to support their children if fathers provided more support at home;29 this imbalanced equation asks men to provide both more money and more time to the family.
Another approach would be to allow men a larger share of the parenting department while women take a larger share of the earnings department, providing a more sustainable work-family balance for both. Case-by-case solutions are more complex than can be communicated in this book but the overall message is to find the balance in the relationship that allows the greatest contribution to the process of parenting and income from each partner rather than defaulting to a single type of partner dynamic.
For young men, understanding the importance of staying in school and going to college is something that builds upon the way that fathers love. Unlike mothers, who love their child no matter what, fathers are the ones who most often set and more importantly enforce boundaries for their children, instilling a sense of self-discipline, and showing them the importance of delaying gratification and sticking with a task and seeing it through to completion. Children need both kinds of nurturing, which only comes from having two parents.
On an individual level, we need to become better at love. What the positive side of the trends listed earlier hinge on, what keeps a positive intergenerational cycle going, is loving relationships. Truly, the most important thing a man can do is love his wife and vice-versa; the most successful and healthy relationships are built on mutual caretaking.30
If the level of communication in your marriage needs a boost, check out John Gray's classic book, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. It is hands-down one of the best and simplest advice books that will offer a starting point for improving the way you communicate with your partner. It's an appropriate book for older teenagers to read, too. Other resource books we recommend are John Gottman's What Makes Love Last? and Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, along with Shefali Tsabary's The Conscious Parent.
Dads Making Fatherhood a Priority
Fathers must make it a priority to be a part of their son's life. It is never too late to do so. If you have been a delinquent dad, working for success, traveling too much or being into your own thing, just press pause. Take time out from the old and familiar to tune in to your son. Be willing to express regret for not being there earlier, and share a commitment to rectify that lack, to work at being a more diligent dad, a friend but also a source of both incentives and boundaries. Ask him about how such a new relationship can start out; seek advice, don't just give it.
Too many people look back on their life in their old age and feel empty despite their material success because they realize they have sacrificed too much for it—friends and family, or even fun. They did not take the time to be there for their wives, daughters, or sons, and now th
ey feel guilty. Sons need greater involvement from dads even more than daughters do because they will not get it from as many other sources as girls have available, such as friend networks and more expressive moms.
It is essential that dads, and uncles and grandpas, too, give top priority to mentoring the young men of this generation. They will value it if done honestly and openly in a constructive manner. You have to get past the awkwardness. Find a quiet, safe space to have a simple discussion about what is going on his life and in yours. You should know what his ambitions are—or are not. What is he concerned about, what are his fears? What does he feel are his strengths and what areas need finer tuning? Just make clear that he can talk to you anytime about anything, especially stuff that usually goes unsaid, such as sex or regrets or his uncertain future.
Time Management Activity
Another practical suggestion for all parents is to ask your son to track how he spends his time for a week (don't include the porn for now or ask him to keep track privately). Here are key activities to include:
Sleeping
Time at school/work
Doing homework
Doing chores
Playing sports
Hanging out with friends.
Being outdoors in natural environments
Watching TV
Texting, tweeting, emailing: sum of all electronic activities
Playing video games
Summarizing these behaviors is the place for starting a conversation about time management and creating a balanced time orientation for the best physical, mental, and social success for him now as well as in his future. Give him an incentive for doing so, such as serving his favorite dinner, during which you can discuss the results. We expect both parents and kids will be surprised by what the data show: a huge number of hours devoted to gaming and Internet use. You can highlight any of this time spent with someone else in direct contact during the gaming or viewing to identify the extent of time in solitary confinement.
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