Discover Your Inner Power
A man's character is discernible in the mental or moral attitude in which, when it came upon him, he felt himself most deeply and intensely active and alive. At such moments there is a voice inside which speaks and says: “This is the real me!”
—William James, nineteenth-century American psychologist8
In her book The Artist's Way, writer and filmmaker Julia Cameron recommends an exercise called the “morning pages,” where you write three pages of whatever comes to mind first thing in the morning. When writing in the pages, there's no wrong way—the only requirement is that you do it every day, and do your best not to censor yourself. The morning pages will help you be less judgmental of yourself. It doesn't matter if you don't feel like writing or don't have anything to say, after a while you will come in contact with an unexpected inner power: your true self. You will become more honest with yourself, discovering not only who you are but also who you want to become. And with this knowledge you become motivated to go from where you are to where you want to be. It doesn't sound logical, but it works. Providing a space to contemplate sharpens the mind. And it's not just for creative types. If you dislike keeping a journal, try Penzu (https://penzu.com), a site that lets you store your thoughts online.9
At the very least, keep a small notebook or use the notes app in your mobile phone where you can jot down memorable phrases and quotes. Known in the seventeenth century as “common-places,” notebooks like these were seen as a vital means to nurture and inspire a capable mind as well as keep track of intellectual development.10 It will force you to slow down, even just for a moment, to reflect on a thought and incorporate it into your own ideas and aspirations.
If you do such mindful exercises regularly, you will also develop wisdom, and be able to discern the difference between short-term happiness and long-term meaning. From psychologist and Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl's book, Man's Search for Meaning, we can deduce that happiness is essentially about “me” and meaning is about “we.” Happiness can be found in the here-and-now while meaning is found in the past and in the future. Happy people enjoy receiving while people leading meaningful lives get satisfaction from giving to others. As much as happiness can be pursued, enduring happiness is actually derived from meaningful endeavors that allow you to discover your strengths and weaknesses, establish goals that can be achieved in the future, and experience situations where you can bond and grow with others.
Make Some Female Friends
Become friends with at least one young woman and make it clear that you just want to be friends—nothing more, nothing less. A lot of women never totally relax in their friendships with men because there is always the worry that one will develop more intense feelings for the other, and then it will become awkward, dealing a potentially fatal blow to the friendship. But if you put those fears to rest right from the get-go, it's much easier to really get to know someone and establish trust. You can even talk about how you'll handle the situation if one of you does develop a romantic interest. You can say something like, “Our friendship means a lot to me and I want to make sure we stay friends. If one of us develops romantic feelings for the other, let's talk about it right away.” By doing this, you set the standard for honest, open communication. And it's much less awkward to say that at the beginning of a relationship than risk losing a friend later down the road due to miscommunication. Find women with whom you have one or two activities or interests in common. If you don't know where to find these women, try using online clubs and forums or MeetUp groups.
A note to shy men: just like mastering a video game takes a reasonable time commitment, with guided practice, even the most shy male can be trained to be “socially fit.” If socializing is a challenge for you, start off slow. You want to make social goals for yourself and gradually work your way up to them; it could be as simple as smiling at the person checking you out at the supermarket, and then making some brief conversation. Don't get attached to the outcome of a social situation. Socializing means another person with their own thoughts and emotions is involved and the best we can all do is allow ourselves to be present and engaged in conversation. See www.shyness.com or visit the Shyness Research Institute (https://www.ius.edu/shyness) for more useful advice.
Avoid Princesses; Don't Call Women “Sluts”
It is our intention to help you build and grow yourself, understanding the systems that influence your life so that you can be captain of your own ship. Instead of becoming emotionally stunted yourself and feeling your only options are “princesses,” you should have the opportunity to cultivate the human qualities that allow you to influence human relationships for the better. In other words, we seek to show you how to better yourself so that you have options if and when choosing a partner, rather than recusing yourself from society as a whole by being totally absorbed in virtual worlds. The intent is that when quality men choose to avoid princesses, women notice them turning away, and this action can in fact influence the attitudes of those women. Part of the reason why princesses continue to come about is because they are tolerated, but if desirable men continue to walk away, women will be forced to adjust, just like men have done to get their desired mate.
On that note, one point of contention that drives women away from men, as friends and especially as romantic partners, is when men call women “sluts.” It doesn't matter how many partners a woman has had, women don't want to be with associated with men who judge women based on their sexuality.
Assuming you are a heterosexual male, slut-shaming women isn't going to help you get the kind of sexual or romantic relationship that you really desire. Sexual shame is a huge barrier for a lot of women. Men's sexuality can be as intimidating as it is appealing. If you can communicate to a woman that she is safe with you and in the future you will treat her with the same respect and courtesy you show her today, it would make an enormous difference with her exploring her desire for you. When a male is indecisive romantically it ruins the chances of a woman really letting go with him. The most satisfying sexual relationships take place in an atmosphere where both people feel safe to express themselves and realize their turn-ons—and their turn-offs.
A lot of women would love to make the first move or take more initiative, but hold back because they don't know what kind of reaction they are going to get. One way to communicate your interest in a woman taking more initiative is to say something like “I love it when the woman makes the first move” when the conversation turns flirtatious. When you're in a relationship, tell her how much you like it when she surprises you, gets creative, or takes the initiative.
If you're getting mixed messages, talk to her. Explain your observations and how it makes you feel. If it's not something you can work through together, move on to someone who you are more compatible with. No one is perfect and the woman you're interested in may not know exactly what her needs and wants are, but she should have a sense of what she wants and be willing to examine how her expectations or fantasies may differ from reality. A woman who is content with herself will not consider you a chauvinist for voicing what you want or your intentions. She will be strong enough to say “no,” but also strong enough to say “yes,” and you'll be able to be yourself without over-analyzing your actions.
Get a Mentor, Be a Mentor
You will get some of the best advice about life and relationships from older men who have been in your position. Not only will they be able to advise you on personal decisions, but they will also be able to help you make intelligent life and career choices. Those who have never had a mentor often underestimate the value of having one. Places where men and boys can gather together are more necessary than ever before. Older men should become mentors to younger men in their family, school, or workplace. As mentioned earlier, dads have got to do it. Make mentoring part of who you are. Below are recommended organizations that support this kind of environment:
Boy Scouts, www.scouting.org
ManKind Project, htt
p://ManKindProject.org.
Big Brothers Big Sisters, www.bbbs.org.
Boys to Men Mentoring Network, http://boystomen.org.
Esquire Magazine's Mentoring Initiative, http://mentoring.esquire.com.
Also look for local coach and sports-based programs like Chicago's Becoming a Man (B.A.M.), www.youth-guidance.org.
Vote
Catering to voters helps politicians get reelected. As we mentioned earlier, between 1975 and 1980, women became the majority of undergraduate students. Since 1980, the proportion of female voters has also outnumbered the proportion of male voters; in the US, women have cast between 4 and 7 million more votes than men in recent presidential elections.11 It follows that if men want policy makers to pay more attention to men's issues such as workplace safety and paternity rights, they need to become more politically active, and, at the very least, voting. If men don't do this simple thing, we are going to see a lot more policies that leave them out.
There are a multitude of options for men that will put them in a better place, both as individuals and as a group. But they must act, just as generations before them have done. If men want to create more balanced lives, they must reengage in exploring new social dynamics and realities (not just digital ones).
TWENTY
What Women Can Do
The current plight of boys and young men is, in fact, a women's issue. Those boys are our sons; they are the people with whom our daughters will build a future. If our boys are in trouble, so are we all.
—Christina Hoff Sommers1
Sisters, Mothers, and Friends
There is a need for hardened men, we will always need rough men to “stand the walls”—to protect and keep watch—and tend the land, but we need to teach them from a young age how to be affectionate in order for them to be connected emotionally in relationships. This means embracing and encouraging the strength and hardness that are commonly associated with being a man, as well as developing the depth of character and emotional insights that lend themselves to a viable interpersonal dynamic in a relationship later on.
Ultimately, women cannot teach men how to be men any more than men can teach women how to be women, but they can encourage them how to develop in appropriate directions. Around eight to twelve years old—or just before puberty—boys start craving a strong male role model, if they don't already have one. Mothers showing approval and support for this process will enable a better connection throughout a man's life between the seemingly dichotic existence of male and female. Doing this can also garner more credibility for the mother with the man over his lifetime as she is seen as a positive part of this process rather than a detractor. A young man would benefit greatly from the women in his life respecting the time that he has with his father or mentor and encouraging him to discover manhood through age-appropriate activities with other young men.
Sisters, especially those close in age, are also crucial to the way a young man understands what women want in general as well as what they desire in a man. How a young man interacts with his sister and her friends can have a significant impact on his regard for women and the relationships he holds with them, both platonic and romantic. By lending their perspectives to their brothers in a direct but compassionate way, sisters can improve the level of communication and cooperation their brothers will have with women later on. It is also important for brothers and sisters, regardless of their age gap, to find fun things to do collectively and around those activities to help develop an ease of communicating their feelings and values. It can be the wellspring for both men and women to feeling comfortable relating to the opposite sex throughout their lives.
Gaming and Porn “Widows”
To sum up the suggestions we heard from men, it is important for both men and women to discuss their feelings on how too much gaming or porn is affecting each person's life and the relationship. Be honest, patient, and strong. If you are headed down the path to becoming a gaming or porn widow, bring to your partner's attention a clear set of options and consequences of what will happen if his behavior doesn't change, and follow through on those words. It is okay to make suggestions to him, but don't assume you know why he is gaming or using porn so much. If either of you need to see a counselor or therapist, or better yet, couple's counseling, don't wait till the relationship is beyond repair or you have already decided in your mind that you are “over it.” Whatever you do, don't offer to play video games or watch porn with him. In some relationships, it's perfectly all right if couples decide to play video games or watch porn together, but if your partner is doing either to excess, you're just enabling them. At the end of the day, you need to move on if your partner would rather live in a virtual world.
The Effects of No-Strings-Attached (NSA) Sex
Whatever currency women are accepting is the currency men will carry.
—young man from our survey
Complaining about why there appears to be a shortage of decent men and tossing around the chauvinist label isn't going to get most women the kind of relationship that they want. When it comes to romantic commitments, women would benefit from approaching dating as if they are investing in the stock market: look for a man who is interesting, capable, and appears to command a level of attention from other women (potential investors). As a relationship “investor”—of your time, energy, and emotions—you must learn how to identify the real deal when the majority of males you encounter either have “swagger” (a good marketing strategy), don't make the time or space for a relationship, are indecisive, or may be a good fit on some levels but are missing drive and emotional availability.
The substance (a solid business plan) that you want to look for in a man is whether or not he will use his skills to build a well-rounded, healthy, and enduring relationship with meaning and mutual growth for both partners. The questions to ask and consider are: Does this man have true interpersonal skills, such as the ability to listen, empathize, communicate, and work as a team to resolve issues? Does he have the wherewithal and desire to be in a relationship that is satisfying for both of you in the long term? You have to assess early on whether he is more of a giver than a taker. Is he full of gimmicks instead of possessing a well-balanced approach with the capability and inclination to be in a genuine relationship? These are important self-constructs that a man needs to bring to a relationship so that it will be sustainable over time.
These relationship skills cannot be forced or faked for very long, so you need to pay close attention if you'd like to improve your selection choices. Years of women falling for the guy with the marketing strategy, not the man with real substance, have resulted in the significantly diminished dating pool with which women are now dealing. This choice in type of partner is relevant regardless of how long you want the relationship to last. Having flings and casual acquaintances can be a fun getaway from the weight of life sometimes, but after a while, the effect is that Mr. Right becomes more elusive.
When you're out at the bar or club, and you are engaging in conversation with men, be aware that other men are watching, and they will replicate whatever strategy is being used by the man you're talking to if you appear to be responding positively to it. One of the most common shortcomings that men watch women fall prey to is when a guy can talk his way in, rather than prove his way to something. Men who can talk a good game rarely have to walk the walk, which is all the more reason for more males to learn and apply pickup artist techniques and find women with a more open approach to sex. The benefits of this to men are multiplied: they get to practice their technique with a higher success rate, have more sex with desirable women, and most males don't have to worry about the “messy” relationship entanglements that could follow.
When men see that quality women don't generally expect them to invest as much energy, time, or commitment in return for sex and relationships as they formerly thought they would, they will adjust their behavior accordingly—downward. Speaking strictly in an economical sense, there is no reason for any person
to invest more energy in acquiring something they already have the ability to possess. Just like someone wouldn't pay seven dollars for something that they know they can get for five dollars, a male won't put in 70 percent effort when 50 percent will get him exactly what he desires. Nobody would. This is a basic human condition proven every day by consumers, stock traders, and business negotiators: they are looking for the best value (mate) for their money (effort). If, instead of requiring the 70 percent effort normally needed to initiate (and potentially maintain) a relationship with a quality woman, it only takes a man 50 percent effort, that's the amount of work he'll put in. Every time. This benefits men in the short term but the consequence is that they are seldom forced or challenged to develop their more enduring relational skills.
Recently, there have been some articles published with unusual bits of advice. A young woman proposed one, which sums up the main points of several. She suggested “promiscuity is another way of saying ‘practice makes perfect.’”2 Who would agree with such a formula? Any male who wanted to benefit from a bit of free sex would agree with that formula. However, any man who cares about the future of relational constructs will tell you that is the worst approach possible for long-term relationships and the women who want them. If a male knows he can get access to sex indefinitely without committing anything for it, then why would he commit to something . . . ever? Seventy percent versus 50 percent . . .
Our contention is not with the approach but with the message it sends to young men; if this same process can be undertaken with a different message then we say go for it. Just realize that males, by and large, are paying attention to women's messages, which in general is: “I will actively sleep with men until one of you takes me off the market.” This removes the potential moral issues that males may have with that approach. Your message, because you are a female, to males is that there will be a steady supply of desirable women who are actively sleeping with them. As long as a man knows he has access to new partners and hasn't already established a deeper relationship with a woman, it is in his best interests not to. And he knows this. Furthermore, it only perpetuates the access to random, no-strings-attached sex because desirable women are not being taken “off the market” into long-term relationships.
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