He nodded. He looked to Izzy and said, "Why don't you take Fran and Sara to check the cattle today. I can clean up here. Take lunch with you." Izzy got the picture of what he was asking.
Francesca gave him a smug look, raising an eyebrow like he couldn’t clean the kitchen by himself.
Andrew squinted his eyes with a twinkle of mischief. "Yes, darlin’, I can clean a kitchen."
Izzy snorted in amused disbelief and nodded. "Sounds good. I wanted to work with the girls anyhow." She nodded to Katrina, telling her she would be praying. Her eyes held such compassion and understanding.
Katrina softly sang while she waited for Andrew to get Dr. Charles. Katrina wanted to tell Andrew to get Mabel, but she knew that he wouldn't have liked that. She needed to talk to him about the girls and their problems. She needed more help. She was about to lose it and she knew it. When she would be able to talk to him she didn’t know. Maybe she could wake up in the middle of the night and talk. That thought made her more tired. She prayed out loud for her daughter.
Andrew and Charles walked in. Charles looked around to see a pretty clean and organized kitchen. He didn’t react to seeing Katrina holding her daughter. Even the screaming didn't seem to bother him. He got down on Katrina's level, watching Carlissa closely. He didn't touch her. He stood and took the mug of coffee Andrew handed him. He put both hands around it, feeling the warmth.
He spoke so Andrew could hear him over the screaming, looking at Katrina so she could read his lips well. "Medically, I can do nothing. I could give her something to sleep so she will stop the screaming, but that will not help the next time. I only use it when they haven't slept in days. It doesn't correct the problem—just ignores it."
"Why is she doing this?" Andrew asked.
Charles shrugged. "Hard to say. I believe it occurs when she can't let out what happened in her past. See, her body knows what she went through, but her mind can’t remember. Either she was too young or her mind won’t let her remember. Mabel believes she is in a flashback or just can't handle what is around her at the time." He sounded so relaxed.
"When will it stop?" Katrina asked, begging him to tell her it would end soon.
He shook his head. "I can't answer that. One of my sons screamed for over twelve hours, though he stayed on his bed. However, he didn't try to hurt himself." He saw the shock on their faces and added, "That was an awful time for my son. He has gotten much better. Actually, my asylum boys are doing better than the boys I got off the street in Denver. Why? I don't know."
"What heals them? What makes it stop?" Andrew wanted a fix. He wanted to help them.
"Time. Being there and supporting them." He paused. "I can't do much more, but I can see if Mabel can come over or one of my daughters. As a family, we also work out a system if parents need each other. We are always there when a family member or friend needs help."
"Yes!" Katrina said desperately.
"No!" Andrew said sharply.
Katrina had never felt such a wave of anger at him. She could even call it hate. How could he deny her a lifeline like Mabel?
Charles nodded. "I try my best as a father, but it is my wife that softens them first."
"I'll walk you out," Andrew said lightly.
Katrina met his eyes. They had always talked with each other through their eyes. She let her anger show. His face showed guilt and then hardened. He gave her a look that said, I am doing what is best for all of us. It also showed something more before he walked out the door. Katrina wasn’t sure what it was. Sorrow? Grief?
All Katrina knew was when Izzy got back, Andrew and she would pack supper and go on an overnight trip and talk. She wanted to find out what was wrong with the man she married. This had to stop.
She rested her chin on her screaming daughter's head. Katrina was glad that Carlissa stopped shaking her head. She let Carlissa’s soft red hair dry her tears.
STEPPING OUTSIDE, ANDREW could breathe, though he could still hear the screaming. He was embarrassed that Dr. Charles had seen his daughter like this. It helped that Dr. Charles’ children did it, but not by much. "I don't understand why she is doin’ this."
Charles nodded. "I ask myself that all the time. We may never know." He acted like Ben in his wise confident ways. "Have you seen a child do this before?" he asked.
Andrew froze in time. His mind went back to the first time Jesse tried to hurt himself with a knife right after he came to Silkwood for the first time. He could still smell Jesse’s blood as he held him down, could see the rage in Jesse’s eyes. Jesse hadn’t been hard to hold but he had been so angry. It hadn’t been long after that Andrew had to deal with him. Ellen and Ben didn’t want the others to know, so only Maverick and Matt knew. After Jesse became a believer the screaming fits had stopped. Even when Ben died, the terrors didn’t come back.
Andrew didn't want to answer Charles. He just wanted Charles to back off, mind his own business, and leave them alone.
He knew it might be childish fear, but the man he called father had shot him. He didn't want to let himself get close enough to get hurt. Worse, he didn't want Katrina or the girls to be hurt again. He could hear Ellen's words, "Don't hold onto your bitterness. Love others and let them love you, my son. One day will come when people will want to help for real. Let them in your heart."
He ignored her voice.
Charles put a hand on his shoulder. "Are you all right, son?"
Andrew nodded. They both knew he wasn't. "Everythin’ will be fine. Thank you for the help today."
Charles got the message. "Just so you know, I am around whenever you need it." He patted Andrew on the shoulder like his pa, Ben, used to. "I'll see you around."
Andrew nodded and watched him leave, knowing he should probably give the man a chance, but Andrew’s heart was so broken and angry at what Owen did to them. He couldn't make himself do it. He could talk to Sawyer about it. Sawyer would probably understand, but he decided against it. Sawyer was newly married and busy with his new newspaper job.
Suddenly he wished Maverick or Matt were there with him. The kidnapper and murderer, who had sought them for years, had almost killed Maverick with Owen not caring a wit. Maverick would understand. And Matt would set him straight spiritually, like he always had in the past. Matt wouldn’t say much, he would sit and listen.
Heading back into the house, the sound of his daughter screaming returned. He didn't mind facing her, but he didn't want to face his angry wife.
He should have told Katrina what he was thinking. He had always been open in the past, but now it seemed hard. Maybe he was afraid she wouldn't understand. Katrina had forgiven Owen and moved on, but he wasn't there yet. Ellen had prayed that he would forgive Owen and let God use Andrew to the fullest.
His face went hot. He didn't know if he could do that. The man was dead and Maverick couldn't believe Owen had betrayed them. He walked back into the kitchen. He sang old hymns over the screaming, as he showed Francesca he could clean a kitchen, thanks to Ellen who taught him. He did this for the next two hours until she finally stopped.
Then Carlissa sat down at the table and ate like nothing was wrong. She ate with her fingers like she did when she was stressed. It shocked Katrina at the difference in the child.
TWO DAYS LATER, KATRINA stirred the fire one more time. Taking much needed time with Andrew away from the noise and business of life, Andre took her off the mountain. She could the beans and smoked beef as it warmed up in the kettle. She put the biscuits on the rocks to warm them up.
While swimming in one of the hot springs, Katrina had kept it light and didn't talk about what was between them. The heat felt wonderful against her back. She looked at him over the fire as he sat against his saddle, his hair still wet, sending a long dark curl down his forehead. She had married such a handsome man.
He had a grim look. "Just get it over with and spit it out, Kat."
"I want to know what is goin’ on with you." She shook her head. "Why won't you let anyone in?"
"I let you in and family," he muttered.
"That's not what I mean and you know it. Do you not like the Alexanders?"
"They are fine, I just don't think we should dump this all on them.”
She folded her arms and put her legs out, watching him. "Then why did we say we want to start Liberty Ranch with Cole? It was so we could help families and help people understand what is going on behind closed doors. Is that not what you wanted?"
"No, it is, but that is it. We help others, but we don't have to accept help from others."
She looked at him like he had lost his mind. "Then what is the point? We won't be a help to anyone if we are too tired and worn out! If you haven't noticed, I am at my wit's end and I don't know where else to turn." She stood up, pacing. "I need help. I have to can and dry the vegetables, make more candles and knit winter clothes. I will also begin teaching school since none of the girls can go. If I could just teach the girls one thing, that would be nice. They listen to nothing. I need help!"
He stood up. "You have Izzy."
She glared at him. "Izzy ain't a parent. She has helped me out in so many ways, but this is not what she wants to do. She and Cole left the children to their parents for a reason." She knew what he would say. "And I can't go to Gloria. She might understand it, but it is too much in her new marriage. I won't do that to her." She turned around. She didn't know how to deal with him.
"I'll help you," he pleaded with her.
She turned back to him, glaring. That is not what she wanted to hear. "I know that. But Sara won't let you near her. Carlissa just doesn't care, and Francesca wants you too much. I am worried about Fran the most. I need to bond with her more. When Izzy gets married, Francesca will have a hard time with it. I can't bond with her well when the girls come between everything we do." She explained, "Mabel and her daughters get together and teach the children school since most ain't allowed in the school. They take one or two children and teach them to do basic things. Mabel or one of them could watch the girls so I could get alone time with Fran. Mabel said it works since it is one-on-one time with each of them. I think she wanted to do it more often with the others when Julia gets here." She threw her hands up. "I am done. I don't remember how Ellen and Missy got us to obey. How did they make enough food to last the winter? Make enough clothes."
Andrew shrugged. "We lived in Alabama. Everything in the winter was easier,” he muttered. “We can always buy from town, if we run out."
She frowned. She had never bought from a town to survive—ever. They had always grown what they ate. She shook her head. "We are not dependin’ on the store for food. I will can it all myself before we do that." Depending on a store for food was way too close to how it had been during the war. The stores had nothing. Which meant many went hungry. The Starrys didn’t because they grew and canned enough.
"Now who won't depend on others?" he asked sarcastically.
She walked up to him. "That's it, ain't it? You don't want another person to get close enough to hurt you like Owen and leave you like Ellen." She could tell by his face, she was right. "So you won't trust Juan Jose when he gets here with Mav?"
He got closer, raising his voice. "I don't want another person to have that much control over me again. Juan Jose is family."
"Owen was family." He had never yelled at her. How had they come this far? "He raised us. So what, you ain't going to let anyone close because of one man?"
"You don't know what it's like," he yelled as he turned away.
She got in his face. "You think I don't know what it is like. I had that man walk me down the aisle when it should have been Ben doing it. I trusted that man with my life. I still cry myself to sleep for a father who hurt us. I know what it is like trustin’ someone who has that kind of control over you. I feel it all the time when I look at pictures of Owen. We can't erase him from them. It was difficult to forgive him. I wanted to hate him. I hated him. But it was only hurting me. Ellen said all those years of bitterness hurts the person who is bitter."
Andrew's face went hard as he looked at nothing. "I can't let it go."
Katrina let a tear fall for the man she loved, but she just didn't know how to help him. Ellen was right. Owen’s betrayal would be harder to deal with than anything any of them had faced before. It would have to be up to each of them. She touched his clean-shaven cheek. "Ellen was right, that bitterness will destroy you, love."
Chapter 22
The door hung open, letting a breeze enter the parlor as Julia sat on the sofa. She hadn't drawn in some time. With all the busyness of life, she was tired in the evening. She drew the outline of the horse. Feeling the emotion in the horse as it ran, she brought it to life on paper. Horses were her favorite animal to draw. She loved the movements and emotions behind the drawing.
Cole came to sit by her. His arms circled her waist. He snuggled against her neck. She knew he was in the mood to cuddle, but she wanted to draw some more and maybe talk. "How is my rose?" he muttered.
She put the drawing aside. Cole took that as a sign and moved her to his lap. She leaned against his shoulder to where she could see his face. "Love, we need to talk."
Cole turned serious. "Yes."
Julia brought up what the children needed and wanted. Cole had ideas and solutions to the issues. Julia began to feel hopeful, but she failed to mention David’s anger and disrespect. He seemed fine with Cole, but what if Cole didn't believe her, or worse, didn't support her?
Cole seemed to know her look and touched her face. “Hey, Rose, what is that worried face for?"
"I am afraid," Julia finally admitted. "I am afraid that I am failing the kids. They need more than I can give." She didn't want to admit that there were days she just wanted to stay in her room and paint. She loved them, but some days it was so hard. She wanted to just paint and forget about life. She felt guilty about feeling this way. Ellen never felt this way.
Cole shook his head. He made her sit up, with his hand on her cheek. "Rose, you don't see how wonderful and carin’ you really are. You doubt yourself." He kissed her nose. "Why don't you see yourself the way I see you? You are a wonderful mother. The little boys seem to be the best. I think some of that is because they weren't abused."
Julia almost flinched. He thought she was doing a wonderful job mothering the boys. David hated her. She felt the walls coming up around her heart. She couldn't speak. It was too hard fighting David every day.
Cole's voice became soft. "Your value is far above rubies." He kissed her eye. "You are kind." He kissed her cheek. "Loving." At every word, he kissed her. "Patient. My love. My help meet. My beloved. Your children will call you blessed. You love far more than others."
Julia closed her eyes, feeling his lips on her. She knew he was supposed to be comforting and supporting her. But at every word she felt the pressure to perform. He expected so much from her. She couldn't measure up. David hated her and Johnathan still asked for mama often. The girls still hurt in so many ways. She couldn't measure up to his expectations. As he kissed her, he spoke softly. She kept silent, feeling trapped in another secret she had to keep. She put her arms around his neck and felt his curly hair in her fingers. How she loved him. She would just forget her many problems and let Cole's hand run through her hair. "I love you, Cole." Meeting his lips, she kissed him back with all the passion that filled her. She was crazy in love with this man. No matter the problems they may face in the future, he would always be by her side.
KATRINA LOVED PEACEFUL sunny afternoons like this, where family and friends would gather and talk after church services, before the drive home. This time there was no Sunday picnic, but still some ate in the churchyard before heading home.
Diana walked up to her. "Would you like to eat with us? We always eat before heading home."
Katrina looked around and saw Izzy talking with Mabel. Andrew was out of town for a job and would be back the day after. "That sounds fine. I am sure Annie and Gloria will want to stay for lunch as well."
&
nbsp; "How are they settling in?"
"Very well."
After settling in for lunch, Katrina looked around, seeing some other church families also staying for lunch. She saw Annie and Gloria laughing with some ladies. She smiled peacefully, knowing they had never felt accepted by people either. She hoped they could keep friends with these people. She thought it would all go away and they would just be a family again, with nobody else. She felt alone and still, like she didn't fit in. She was half deaf and would always be.
Watching where the girls were, she saw Carlissa smiling. She didn't see the girls smile often, but Carlissa was with some other girls her age. Sara looked out of place, so she stayed by Izzy. The girls all loved Izzy so much and would miss her when she moved away.
Francesca was talking with Alice. Her eyes were light, even if she still looked hard often. Alice was probably used to the mood swings. God had really blessed them with people who understood. It had helped more than if she still had Ellen in her life.
"How is it going at home?" Mabel asked.
"Well enough, I reckon," Katrina answered. She wasn't being honest with Mabel about her marriage and how the girls were bringing her down. She held back. Had Ellen talked about her marriage with anyone or was it too private? She was afraid to be a bad wife, and she knew she was a terrible mother. At least she could try being a good wife.
Andrew had left with the brothers to see Jesse’s place. He had given her a long passionate kiss before he left and told her he loved her. She knew it was true. She never doubted his love, but she felt her needs were being misunderstood.
Mabel put a hand over hers. "It's all right, I understand." Her eyes said she did.
Katrina's eyes went moist. She looked away. She didn't know how to handle all this and she was so tired. Tired of Andrew ignoring her. Tired of fighting with the girls, and so tired of crying every morning because she was a failure as a mother and wife. She looked to see Francesca standing by a tree talking with a boy from town. He didn't go to church. She was smiling and moving her body in a flirtatious way. Katrina frowned, ready to go over there and set her straight. She did not want to fight with her all the way home.
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